Time for emotional seperation?

[Brian]

Hi. I was wondering, how much time is normal for someone to really get over a previous love? I had been friends with a women for about a year, and had slowly realized that I was in love with her. I let her know this, but she didn't feel like she wanted that kind of relationship, so it never happened. A couple months later I met another woman, started dating her, and we've been in love ever since. The problem is, despite the fact that it has been about two and a half years since the first friend/ungirlfriend told me it would not work out I still fantasize on a somewhat reglar basis about her (sexually and otherwise.) Is this normal?? This is causing me a lot of anguish because I care very much for my current girlfriend, but I can't shake these thoughts about the previous flame. Please help!

[Tony T]

What you are doing is absolutely normal. As the poem goes:

 

The saddest words of tongue or pen,

 

Are those which say what might have been.

 

It is absolutely normal to wonder just how things may have gone. But there is a limit to how much of that you should do to yourself. There is no written rule on how long it may take you to fully get over this, but you could be speculating about it after you retire if you let yourself.

 

Time usually takes care of things like this. Be patient with yourself. In the future, don't waste your time with conjecture on what might have been...because it wasn't!!!

[Jenna]

By not having an actual relationship with the "un-gf"- you had the opportunity to create the perfect fantasy one.

 

You probably imagined wild and passionate sex, romantic walks on the beach, breakfast in bed, cozy nights at the cabin in the hills in front of a fireplace, long drives in the country during autumn, family gatherings at Christmas, anniversary parties, beautiful children, wealth and prosperity, and growing old together. You know- the way it is in the movies.

 

But what if..... you did get together back then...... and

 

you only had sex twice a year , you never took a vacation to the beach, the closest thing to breakfast in bed was popping vitamins before your feet hit the floor, the cabin in the hills was fore closed on, your car always broke down on long drives because she never had the oil changed, your family hated her- so forget about Christmas, she forgot your anniversary every year, your kids were stupid and ugly, she ran your credit into the ground with her weekly shopping sprees, and one of you died prematurely??

 

Sounds silly doesn't it?? Don't laugh too hard- God has a mysterious way of taking care of us sometimes. There is something to be said for "unanswered prayers." I think about that a lot- when I look back at men\boys in my past- and how I begged God to let it work out. Well thank goodness he didn't in most of the cases. Lets see, here's a run down of a few as they are today; dead, working on a road crew & divorced 2 times, living in a trailer park, one has 4 kids from 4 different women-none of whom he has been married to, and ah yes... the drug addict, - (There a few that went all the way too- like the executive at Dell computers and the one who owns his own car dealership.)

 

Don't waste your time in the past- especially when there wasn't one. Get your mind into the "here and now"- be thankful for what you have- and let nature take it's course.

 

Things tend to work out for the good of everyone involved..

 

Jenna

 

What you are doing is absolutely normal. As the poem goes: The saddest words of tongue or pen, Are those which say what might have been.

 

It is absolutely normal to wonder just how things may have gone. But there is a limit to how much of that you should do to yourself. There is no written rule on how long it may take you to fully get over this, but you could be speculating about it after you retire if you let yourself.

 

Time usually takes care of things like this. Be patient with yourself. In the future, don't waste your time with conjecture on what might have been...because it wasn't!!!