MM firm in wanting to end things - I'm upset

[sayitasitis]

Some background. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t305275/

 

Since the last time I was on that thread, I've met the guy and it didn't work out because I couldn't go through with a "relationship" with him. Even then, I'm really upset. In short, now he wants nothing to do with me.

 

I'm going to get a lot of criticism for this but a part of me thought of going through with being the OW. Maybe if he had given me more time and "worked" on it with me, I would have come to accept his circumstances. I know I'm not making sense now and should probably thank him for wanting nothing to do with me instead of stringing me along. But I feel the loss of a friendship and connection.

 

Why can an MM be so firm in his decision wanting to end everything?

 

I feel so helpless in that there's nothing I can do to change his mind. Okay, I know I really sound like a crazy now.

 

Shouldn't he be the one chasing APs? I feel like such a loser wanting to be with an MM. Anyone else felt that way before? How do you cope and forget about xMM?

[alexandria35]

What does this mean?

 

I've met the guy and it didn't work out because I couldn't go through with a "relationship"

 

It sounds like you are saying that you met with him, wouldn't have sex and now he's done with you.

 

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know about this jerk? I read your other thread about how he is seperated but staying with his wife for the kids (such a lie) and everybody told you not to get involved with him because he wasn't a good prospect. Now with your meeting he couldn't have made his intentions any clearer, he wants sex and that's it, and still you want to chase him?

 

You ask how he can be so firm in wanting to end things. Because you didn't put out, he considered the meeting a big waste of his time and probably figures he's got better things to do than spend his time sweet talking someone who isn't going to give him exactly what he wants, which is cheap no strings attached extramarital sex. That has been his goal all along which didn't pan out with you so he's probably moved on to whoever wants to be next. He's probably been carrying on with several women online this whole time.

 

Don't you feel like you've got better things to do than pine over this loser whom you mostly only knew from online conversations and cybersex? Why don't you try to meet someone single in real life and try some real sex?

[sayitasitis]

What does this mean?

 

I've met the guy and it didn't work out because I couldn't go through with a "relationship"

 

It sounds like you are saying that you met with him, wouldn't have sex and now he's done with you.

 

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know about this jerk? I read your other thread about how he is seperated but staying with his wife for the kids (such a lie) and everybody told you not to get involved with him because he wasn't a good prospect. Now with your meeting he couldn't have made his intentions any clearer, he wants sex and that's it, and still you want to chase him?

 

You ask how he can be so firm in wanting to end things. Because you didn't put out, he considered the meeting a big waste of his time and probably figures he's got better things to do than spend his time sweet talking someone who isn't going to give him exactly what he wants, which is cheap no strings attached extramarital sex. That has been his goal all along which didn't pan out with you so he's probably moved on to whoever wants to be next. He's probably been carrying on with several women online this whole time.

 

Don't you feel like you've got better things to do than pine over this loser whom you mostly only knew from online conversations and cybersex? Why don't you try to meet someone single in real life and try some real sex?

 

I told him I'm too scared to get involved. I should clarify that he only wants to be distant friends with me, whatever that means. We still talk a little now and then.

 

What I meant by him not wanting anything to do with me is that he doesn't want to try to be with me anymore. He was persistent before.

 

GOOD FOR YOU for not falling for it all. He was grooming you for a role as the OW and when it didn't work out for him, he "nexted" you. He's not going to spend more time trying to get you to accept that role when there are others he can work on that are more likely to give him what he wants.

 

Your instincts on the other thread were right. And even though you still met him, your inner voice still told you no and you respected that. It is very fortunate that you did because now you can see exactly what he was after. He wasn't even wanting an emotionally involved A, he was after free on the side sex. You're worth way more than that.

 

Call me silly but I guess if he had "liked" me enough, he would have spent more time trying to get me to accept that role.

 

Nonetheless, I'm sad at the demise of this, no matter how good the outcome may seem to everyone else.

 

Like I said, it's the connection and chemistry. At the moment, it's just difficult to believe that I'll find someone else that provides that.

[sayitasitis]

Questions. I guess I'm too inexperienced with such circumstances and probably dumb to some.

 

Some of my friends think I should actually thank him for not stringing me along or lie that he would settle things with his wife so I would accept being the OW for now. And I read quite a bit on LS that many MM pursue OW and wouldn't let OW go even if OW wants to. So he's a "good" person?

 

Anyone here objectively knows of MM that stays in a marriage for the sake of their kids? I know many of you say it's a lie (and I'm not trying to make excuses for him) and I'm not saying it's not a red flag but there must be genuine cases, no?

[norajane]

Why can an MM be so firm in his decision wanting to end everything?

He probably has a bunch of women he's been emailing and chatting with online. He may even already have others he is having sex with. That's why he doesn't care to see you anymore if you won't have sex with him.

 

This is not a comment reflecting anything about you since I don't know you: In his mind, the most special thing about you was that he thought you were willing to have sex with him while knowing he's married. When you turned him down, you became completely useless to him.

[sayitasitis]

He probably has a bunch of women he's been emailing and chatting with online. He may even already have others he is having sex with. That's why he doesn't care to see you anymore if you won't have sex with him.

 

This is not a comment reflecting anything about you since I don't know you: In his mind, the most special thing about you was that he thought you were willing to have sex with him while knowing he's married. When you turned him down, you became completely useless to him.

 

I guess thinking this way will help me get over it faster.

 

It's just so difficult to think straight right now!

[sayitasitis]

Anyone has any comments on my questions on #5 post? Not trying to get him back or relive anything. I'm going NC to get over this but I guess I can still be my curious self.

 

Some of my friends think I should actually thank him for not stringing me along or lie that he would settle things with his wife so I would accept being the OW for now. And I read quite a bit on LS that many MM pursue OW and wouldn't let OW go even if OW wants to. So he's a "good" person?

 

Anyone here objectively knows of MM that stays in a marriage for the sake of their kids? I know many of you say it's a lie (and I'm not trying to make excuses for him) and I'm not saying it's not a red flag but there must be genuine cases, no?

[alexandria35]

Anyone has any comments on my questions on #5 post? Not trying to get him back or relive anything. I'm going NC to get over this but I guess I can still be my curious self.

 

Some of my friends think I should actually thank him for not stringing me along or lie that he would settle things with his wife so I would accept being the OW for now. And I read quite a bit on LS that many MM pursue OW and wouldn't let OW go even if OW wants to. So he's a "good" person?

 

Anyone here objectively knows of MM that stays in a marriage for the sake of their kids? I know many of you say it's a lie (and I'm not trying to make excuses for him) and I'm not saying it's not a red flag but there must be genuine cases, no?

 

I think you are trying to put a spin on this that just isn't there. I don't think he let you go because he is a good person. I don't think he actually felt pain at ending the relationship but he did it anyway because he knew it was for your own good. I think he stopped chasing you simply because he wasn't getting what he wanted out of it and now he is looking elsewhere. From reading your posts in this thread and others I get the impression that you would have been willing to be the OW had he just worked harder at talking you into it? Why is this? Is it because it would relieve some of the guilt and responsibility from you had you been able to blame it on him for pushing you into it? Your friends are right. You should be happy that it's over and didn't become something much more painful and difficult.

 

As for people who stay married for the kids, well who cares? They are still married and anyone who gets involved with them is going to be secret hidden affair. Is that what you want?

[sayitasitis]

I think you are trying to put a spin on this that just isn't there. I don't think he let you go because he is a good person. I don't think he actually felt pain at ending the relationship but he did it anyway because he knew it was for your own good. I think he stopped chasing you simply because he wasn't getting what he wanted out of it and now he is looking elsewhere. From reading your posts in this thread and others I get the impression that you would have been willing to be the OW had he just worked harder at talking you into it? Why is this? Is it because it would relieve some of the guilt and responsibility from you had you been able to blame it on him for pushing you into it? Your friends are right. You should be happy that it's over and didn't become something much more painful and difficult.

 

As for people who stay married for the kids, well who cares? They are still married and anyone who gets involved with them is going to be secret hidden affair. Is that what you want?

 

I would have been his OW because he gets me like no other has and it's been one disappointing relationship after another. I just don't seem to be liked by any guy recently the way he seemed to.

 

Did you mean he "did it anyway because he knew it was for HIS own good?"

[snowflakes88]

I would have been his OW because he gets me like no other has and it's been one disappointing relationship after another. I just don't seem to be liked by any guy recently the way he seemed to.

 

Did you mean he "did it anyway because he knew it was for HIS own good?"

 

You only met him in person once. You don't know the real him, and he doesn't know the real you enough to "get you." What you DO know is that he's a sack of **** willing to have sex with other women while living full-time as a husband and father. He wanted to have sex with you, nothing more. Like, that's even LOWER than OW status. He wasn't even willing to develop a faux "relationship" with you on the side before pressing for sex. As soon as you wouldn't sleep with him, he was done. And you miss him? The real question is why your self-esteem is so low that you think a rung BELOW OW is the best you can do.

[sayitasitis]

You only met him in person once. You don't know the real him, and he doesn't know the real you enough to "get you." What you DO know is that he's a sack of **** willing to have sex with other women while living full-time as a husband and father. He wanted to have sex with you, nothing more. Like, that's even LOWER than OW status. He wasn't even willing to develop a faux "relationship" with you on the side before pressing for sex. As soon as you wouldn't sleep with him, he was done. And you miss him? The real question is why your self-esteem is so low that you think a rung BELOW OW is the best you can do.

 

We talked everyday. That's what I meant by him getting me.

 

I don't know why I feel this way this time. It just seems hard to let go though I know I should.

[whichwayisup]

It just seems hard to let go though I know I should.

 

Let this be a test of your own inner strength. I believe you're a hell of alot stronger than you realize!

 

It's OK to feel pain, for it to be hard.. Life IS hard! Work through this, focus on letting go, focus on yourself. Focus on the positives in your life, work, friends, family..

 

You know you should let go, so just do it. Make yourself do it. No good can come by hanging on.

 

Why can an MM be so firm in his decision wanting to end everything?

Because he made a decision and stuck to it because he wanted it to end. He had the right to change his mind.

[sayitasitis]

Let this be a test of your own inner strength. I believe you're a hell of alot stronger than you realize!

 

It's OK to feel pain, for it to be hard.. Life IS hard! Work through this, focus on letting go, focus on yourself. Focus on the positives in your life, work, friends, family..

 

You know you should let go, so just do it. Make yourself do it. No good can come by hanging on.

 

 

Because he made a decision and stuck to it because he wanted it to end. He had the right to change his mind.

 

Thanks. I believe I can get through this. I have to.

 

He had the right to change his mind. The rejection stung though.

 

I'm surrounding myself with friends and family though a lot of times him and this thing still crept into the back of my mind.

 

How long will this take to be completely out of my mind?!