Pulling through

[adlibbing]

C and I used to work together. From the very beginning, I knew he was married, and was devoted to his young child.

 

We had a great connection and could talk about anything for ages. There was a lot of teasing between us, bordering on flirting, but we never crossed the line to anything remotely inappropriate. It was clear that he valued our friendship very much, and it would have been perfect -- if I had not developed feelings for him.

 

I did not know when exactly it started, but I knew two things. One, I will not act upon it and two, C must never know.

 

My best chance was a subtle retreat. We were still friendly, but I often steered conversations to work-related topics. Jokes were kept short, on the pretext of being busy. I made excuses and stopped hanging out with him alone. I could tell he sensed something was up, but his guess was way off: he asked me, often in a gossipy stage-whisper and with a cheeky grin, if there was anyone he should know about in my romantic life.

 

This went on for a couple of months, with all my bravado. Then C told me he received a job offer abroad, and was leaving in a few weeks. My emotions went haywire.

 

Of course I was excited and pleased for him, it was an excellent career move for a brilliant and deserving man. On a more selfish note, with him no longer sitting facing me directly every day, I would have a much better chance getting over him. But what was I to do with this void he left in me?

 

On his last day, I did not want to get all sappy. I wished him happiness, and meant it. Affectionate as always, he hugged and kissed me on the cheek, oblivious to the effect he had on me. I walked away and never saw him again.

 

That was 6 months ago. We did not trade personal email addresses. I did not ask for his new phone number, and has since changed mine. I was intent on quitting him cold turkey, and no contact was the best solution. We live in different countries now, I figured I was "safe". Predictably I missed him terribly at first, but it got easier gradually.

 

A few weeks back, he sent me an email to my work account, saying hi and checking how I was getting along. My heart fluttered then quickly dropped. Who was I kidding? I am not over him at all.

 

I wrote back, a brief, polite and distant note. The kind of mail you won't feel obliged to write back to. Yet he sent another mail, chatty and funny, asking more questions. With each (agonizing) aloof reply I sent, he seemed more intent on cajoling me into longer conversations. I persisted, and after a while there was thinly veiled growing frustration from him.

 

It has been nearly a week since he last wrote to me. He has probably given up and thinks I have blanked him out. Well, I have, in a manner of speaking, but it's not the same thing. I feel very bad that he may be hurt and confused by this. He's an amazing, kind, and generous friend, and he deserves better. I am just sorry that in an effort to protect myself, I need to cut him off.

 

I am back to square one in Operation Forget C. Most of the time I just want to curl up in foetal position and take deep breaths. I will be ok. Why does it have to be so hard?

[norajane]

It's probably hard(er) because it doesn't sound like you have anything else going on in your life, romance-wise. Getting excited about someone else can make this seem like a distant memory in no time. Get out there and enjoy your life and meet some people!

 

It's really easy to fall into the trap of romanticizing a person - fitting him into a fantasy you create in your head about how wonderful it would be if you were together. And we have trouble letting go of those fantasies because, like every fantasy, it is perfect because we create it in a vacuum without reality intruding.

 

And it's really easy to fall for people who make you feel good about yourself. That's usually what we fall in love with, or develop infatuations for - the way we feel about ourselves when we are around a certain person. But that lies within us. We can feel like that about ourselves without the person, too.

 

You've done all the right things to avoid stepping into something that would be far, far worse than what you are feeling now. Good for you - be grateful that your head is still holding onto what is best for you and acting on that.

 

Feel very good about yourself for respecting yourself.