ajzoom055 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 My husband doesn't initiate sex hardly ever! I have waited to see if he would ever initiate and it takes months. We have gone several, several months with no activity at all. I have asked him why and he just says...I've just been too busy, too tired, etc., which is an excuse to me. Since there have been times that when we did have sex was after a long, tiring day. I can not help but feel it's me. It makes me feel very insecure and un-loved which leads to other feelings I've never experienced before such as jealousy. He doesn't even snuggle with me, when he goes to bed, he turns the other way and immediately snoring! He insists that he loves me very much but I feel that if you love someone you need to SHOW them as well as tell them. The only gesture of affection he shows me is every day before leaving for work, he will find me to give me a goodbye kiss. I don't want to sound like a maniac, but I want sex more often. It's been two months now. This is not a sudden problem. It has been going on for several years and still driving me nuts...to the point of my imagination running wild as far as what might be going on with him. I have recently shown jealousy and that alone is probably what has prompted this writing. The jealousy is about to drive me out of my mind ...since I've never, ever felt this ugly feeling. It seems to have taken over my life and I hate this feeling. The lack of sex I feel has sparked this horrible jealousy thing and my mind runs. He has given me no reason to doubt him or mistrust him but he works a lot of odd hours and has many contacts with the public, other people (women included) depend on him in a time of crisis....and my imagination gets the best of me. Telephone contacts (his cell) from all sorts of people so there's no way to track any inappropriate behavior. He has had in the past a woman that continued to call him and he finally had to tell her to stop calling him that he could no longer help her. He did that in front of me. I really feel in my heart that I can trust him but the sex issue is really bothering me. What do you think? Am I asking too much? Is my imagination and jealousy stupid?? Seems like I've rambled but it's hard to explain and just need to lose this jealousy and want my husband to want me. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I must ask first of all, how long has this been going on? I understand where you are coming from....it's very confusing when a man acts this way. It seems to break gender traits as we assume a man "can't live without it" or "he wants it all the time"....so you immediately assume, "he's getting it from somewhere else".... He could be (having an affair) but then he might not. I've tried for years to figure out why my husband has never (except when we were dating) had a strong sex drive. He was able to have a strong enough sex drive to have an affair.... I refuse to think it's me and I think you should do that same. He even tells me I'm sexy and attractive but I'm told by others too so it's not that I not "sexually attractive".....my husband was sexually abused so I'm thinking that plays a part. I don't know. I will say if I were you, I would look into the possibility of his having an affair. You can most definitely find out who he talks to via the cell phone. Just call your cell phone company and tell them you want a detailed call log. They will do that. Is he on the computer alot? He could be cyber cheating or masturbating to porn.... If all these aren't the case and that's possible, the guy just may be tired or have a low sex drive.... I understand the jealousy, when you don't feel wanted, every woman that gets his attention seems to be taking something away from you. The best thing to do is snoop (without his knowing because he's going to be hurt if he's not doing anything) and then if you don't find anything, seek counseling!! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I had the exact same problem when my husband masterbated to porn daily. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe it's time to put another elhammero through another elcomputero Link to post Share on other sites
ajzoom055 Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 He doesn't ever get on the computer, he knows nothing about them and doesn't have one at work with internet... No porn in any way that I know of. It's been going on for a couple of years. Link to post Share on other sites
ajzoom055 Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I've also checked the phone log...I have detailed billing...nothing. No evidence of extra curricular activity there. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I thought I had better reply as so noone will think I'm avoiding this topic... I don't mean to sound shallow, but are you overweight? Does he still find you attractive? Is there a way you could go about making it a more exiting experience for him? My wife is just like your husband. It just isn't in her nature to cuddle, have sex on a regular basis or even PDA is a no no to her. She blames it on the way she was raised and I accept that. I just finally decided to set her down and have a talk with her and exlained to her that these are things that I would like to see in our relationship. She responded in a positive manner and things where better for a while. Of course it started slacking off now, so I plan on having that talk with her again. Communication will go a long way if both parties give it half a chance. My suggestion is to make him a nice dinner, if you have kids, let them eat in the living room and spend some time telling your husband exactley how you feel.... Link to post Share on other sites
jtlove49 Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I totally understand you 100%. I have been married for five years and the same thing has happened to me and my husband for about a year now. We had a very healthy sex life until about a year ago. We no longer had sex 4/5 times a week, it was more like 1/2 times every month or two. There were no unknown phone calls, no long hours at work ... not any reason to think that he was having an affair. It started when I was putting on weight ... he said that wasn't any reason, but I thought if that wasn't, then what was? He said that he was tired all the time. I did the same as you - I waited for him to initiate it, but it never happened. This brought a lot of stress on our marriage. We have had several fights because of this and like you said it brings a lot of other feeling such as jealousy. Hang in there!!! My husband and I have been doing better since we have started TALKING about it and not FIGHTING! One night I just sat him down, explained how I felt, and why I felt that way. Honestly, some of it was my fault too. I had gained weight and didn't respect myself like I use to ... I had to spark things up as well. I still don't really know that reason, I guess maybe there wasn't one, maybe there was. Things aren't 100% great but they are getting a lot better. And after talking with other people it's not that uncommon ... sometimes you just have to fire back that spark Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
ajzoom055 Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 I'm not overweight at all...he tends to think sometimes I am too small...! I'm not..I'm just average size I think. I'm 5'3 and weight 110lbs. I have always tried to make myself presentable for him every single day...even though I don't work and don't "have" to get dressed up per say. I had our last child one year ago and lost all that weight and have worked hard on getting back into shape since I was an "older person" lol... having a baby. Not to sound conceided but other men seem to be attracted to me and have made comments to me and my husband. I finally had enough and did the "sit down" visit with him and told him exactly how I felt and he agreed that I was being neglected and agreed that if the situation was turned around, he would be jealous too. He said he wants me but has felt like I was "mad" all the time. I was. I told him that one thing led to the other and it seemed to be a viscious circle because I would get mad...didn't know what else to feel. We both agreed to work on this 100% and spend more time together. He did say that he wanted me to go places with him more and I wouldn't so now I will. Hopefully this will work. I told him that it would take time and patience for me to know that he really loves me because right now I don't know that and it wouldn't happen overnight just because we had this talk. I appreciate all your comments because I was about to lose my sanity thinking something was bad wrong with me. I did attempt to excite things and that didn't seem to work either. I don't know....he seemed to be extremely sincere and promises to show me more attention. Thank you for responding. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 Glad you had such a good talk. I hope you two can get reconnected, and back on track. It sounds like you will, just keep remembering what is important. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 I love good news!!! Communication is key in any marriage!!! Good luck to you!! Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEEZE... Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 Sounds like you are on the right track - get the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura... It will help you get where you need to go! Link to post Share on other sites
Jacksin Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 You certainly have patience ajzoom having put up with this for 2 years. To me it seems like you both had better take some time out of your everyday schedules and go away for a few days to re-discover and totally involve yourselves in one another. Good Luck Jack Link to post Share on other sites
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