Wife just told me she has trust issues with men...is reason for 7 years of fighting?

[blackcat2012]

I'm confused about something and am hoping to get some advice from outside of my situation.

 

My wife and I have been together for 7 years, and married for the last 3. The first four years of the relationship was good. Some issues as all couples have, but things have started to decay over the last 3 years (since we've been married).

 

The issues that she has with me are that I don't 'treat her right' and don't 'give her what she needs.' I do have a communication issue with her but I think it's from all the fighting over the last few years. This is my issue tho and I am working on changing it. Communication that ranges from how I feel (she says she can never 'read' me) to making plans without telling her (plans, as of recent, being that my parents watch the kids while I work overtime). She also says that I don't take charge enough and make decisions.

 

Issues in the past she has had with me is that I went for two years in Michigan without a full time job. I worked very part time at a job (while she worked full time) but it was enough to pay the rent for the house. Her pay obviously covered other bills. I did get the odd sidejob here and there.

 

In June of 2010 she decided to move out and get her own place. The lack of job (income) and the communications issue was what the main reasons were. We were also fighting a lot and it wasn't good for our son. At that time I decided that it best not to stay in Michigan and to look for work in my hometown in Arizona. During this process we found out she was pregnant. She wanted another child and this had caused stress in the relationship also. While in Arizona I stayed with my parents to work (which I did find steady work) and save money to move my wife and son out. She bought her lease out, moved to AZ, and we stayed at my parents for 2 months while we saved and looked for a place.

 

Her and my mom didn't get along. There were yelling matches and stress all the time. Being pregnant might have escalated this, but all-in-all it still happened. She is upset with me because she felt I never stood up for her. I can see how she can feel like this but I also feel that a lot of the times she went looking for or created an argument. All in all, I could have done better.

 

So now fast forward 9 months. We have a beautiful baby boy, a great 6 year old, but things are still the same between her and I. In fact, I thnk they are worse. She resents me for having her move out here away from her family. She doesn't like where we live and she really doesn't like what she is doing for a career.

 

She works now part time and stays home with the baby. She is taking a couple classes at the college working toward switching into the medical field.

 

I work full time, some overtime, and also a part time job 3 nights a week. I'm trying to save a little money so if things fall apart I'll have something and not feel stranded like when she moved out last year.

 

We argue all the time. Even over stupid stuff. I get very defensive around her becuase I am just waiting for the next critisizm, insult, etc.. This is where my communication issue comes into play. She says when I do talk to her my face doesn't show anything. I tell her I'm sad we are like this, but apparently my face doesn't show it (so, to her, I don't mean it).

 

Last night I think I had light bulb moment. We weret trying to talk about our future and what we should do. The stops me and makes a statement that really didn't fully hit me until this morning. She told me that she hates being married. She hates the assuptions that are put on her for being a 'wife.' She also says that it makes her ill to be subserviant to any man. That even doing a man's laundry makes her stomach churn. She admits to having trust issues with men and doesn't know if she will ever get over them (her dad was a cruel bastard).

 

I take this to be that she doesn't like men. That men (in general) are beneith her and will never be in her eyes as equal. I look over all the fights and arguements and wonder if it was really an issue I had or if it was because I was a man. It's a funny thing because she woudl constantly tell me I'm not a man and I was not a good role model for our sons. I am really mad right now because I look back at all the emotional strain and wonder if the underlying reason for our arguing was the 'man' issue. Yes, I've done stupid stuff (no violence or infedelity or anything of the sort) and deserved for her to be upset with me, but this opens my eyes to a whole new issue.

 

We are going to marriage couseling. This will be our second attempt as she felt the first attempt was with someone who agreed too much with me. This time she says that if I want to the relationship saved than I need to make the arrangements and change that she wants. She says that she needs to see effort on my part. I asked her about what effort she's going to put in and she says not to worry about what she's doing as I need to concentrate on me.

 

I've tried to be as fair as I can when posting this because I want your honest opinion on the situation. Is this worth saving or will I always be the 'man'.

 

Today I am going to get my own laundry baskets.

[TigerCub]

I find this interesting

"I take this to be that she doesn't like men. That men (in general) are beneith her and will never be in her eyes as equal. I look over all the fights and arguements and wonder if it was really an issue I had or if it was because I was a man. It's a funny thing because she woudl constantly tell me I'm not a man and I was not a good role model for our sons. I am really mad right now because I look back at all the emotional strain and wonder if the underlying reason for our arguing was the 'man' issue. Yes, I've done stupid stuff (no violence or infedelity or anything of the sort) and deserved for her to be upset with me, but this opens my eyes to a whole new issue."

 

She pretty much said that she hates feeling subservient to a man - but you actually took from what she said that she thinks men are beneath her.

 

You did mention that she had a cruel father.

 

My guess would lean more towards that she probably grew up in an environment where "the man" had all the power and the women were catering to him, were subservient to him, were most likely abused by him.

 

I could be wrong, but that's my guess.

 

And so, I wouldn't think that she thinks men are beneath her, but more that because she grew up in an environment where she had to bow down to a man, now as an adult she resents that and most likely takes it too far in her "Anything that caters to 'the man' makes me subservient"

 

Again...I'm totally guessing here.

 

As for that being the reason for your problems with her - well I wasn't there for any of your fights, but from what you wrote, it looks like you had your fair share of contributing to the mess.

 

It could be an issue that's underlying or at least in the background, but its not the only cause of your problems.

 

I think its good that you're both giving therapy a try, hopefully that will help you two figure out better ways to resolve your issues and help her to not turn every little comment or chore, or problem into a 'bowing down to the man' kind of issue.

[blackcat2012]

Who pulled for marriage ?

How long did the whole engagement to marriage thing last ?

If possible give a timetable of how it felt in the relationship.

How old is she ?

 

 

I asked her to marry me right after we found out she was pregnant with our first. That was in 2005. We got married in 2008. She is 33.

 

In order for the wedding to happen she wantedme to make all the arrangements.

 

Our relationship started to really decline while we lived in Michigan and I was struggling for work. This hit us hard. We moved to Michigan (to be close to her family) right after we were married.

 

He dad is a bastard. Her real dad left her when she was 2 and her mom shacked up with her bastard dad soon after. This guy is a piece of work. I'm not going into what he did, but it was verbal abuse and borderline sexual abuse. She still thinks that there is some stuff she 'blocked out.'

 

She comes from a very fundamental christian base. I say it like that because her church was borderline (in my eyes) radical christian while actions at home were not. Sure they prayed and went through the motions, but did not live according to the rules of the church. (I am anti-religion so this is hard for me tunderstand)

 

Yes, I am a part of this also and I take responsibility. I just need to know how to handle this.

[blackcat2012]

I feel sad that thigs are getting to this point. I go through times where I don't want to have us split and then times where I do want to be split.

 

I am angry at myself for letting myself get to the point of having my marriage like this. I do care for her, I just can't be around her without getting defensive and making her feel on egg shells. I just wait for the next "you're doing this wrong" or "you don't respect me" remark. I hate those and while I get mad on the outside, on the inside I feel like I let her down.

 

I am angry at her dad. Both of them. The one for leaving her and the other for being a bastard to her. I am angry at her mom for not stepping in when she knew about her dad.

 

I feel sad for her because she is a great person. Very personable with a heart of gold. Sweet as anyone I know.

 

I just don't know if this issue is going to be fixable in our marriage. We both are at fault tho, but this is beyond me.

[whichwayisup]

She needs to do some counselling on her own to face her hurts, work through them and let them go so they don't interfer in your marriage. And, you two should try marriage counselling together.. Learn how to really communicate and listen to one another, get a better dynamic going.

 

The love is there, you two have a family, so it's worth fixing. Don't give up.

[Nikki82]

Why do people marry just because they got knocked up (and are probably already having relationship issues)? And then on top of it all, wonder why the marriage isn't working??

[Woggle]

No matter what you do she will always find fault with you. In fact the better you treat her the more resentful she will become. That is how manhaters operate. Any man that comes along that does not fit her stereotype of what a man is will be treated with the most utter disdain.

 

Put your foot down sometimes and she might actually respect you. It is not your job to take the punches for what some other man did.

[anne1707]

No matter what you do she will always find fault with you. In fact the better you treat her the more resentful she will become. That is how manhaters operate. Any man that comes along that does not fit her stereotype of what a man is will be treated with the most utter disdain.

 

Put your foot down sometimes and she might actually respect you. It is not your job to take the punches for what some other man did.

 

Woggle - as someone who has struggled in later life to deal with problems caused by a bad parent, I really had hoped for better from you. If what has been posted is true, the OP's wife was abused as a child - may be even sexually. Do you really want to then dismiss this woman's behaviour in such a trivial way? With such disdain?

 

This woman needs help and support. It may be too late for the marriage but she deserves and needs a chance to heal from her childhood.

[Woggle]

Woggle - as someone who has struggled in later life to deal with problems caused by a bad parent, I really had hoped for better from you. If what has been posted is true, the OP's wife was abused as a child - may be even sexually. Do you really want to then dismiss this woman's behaviour in such a trivial way? With such disdain?

 

This woman needs help and support. It may be too late for the marriage but she deserves and needs a chance to heal from her childhood.

 

I feel empathy for her but that doesn't mean he is obligated to take her abuse. I know from experience from what I have witnessed that a man trying to have a healthy relationship with a woman like this is just an exercise in futility. Even the most innocent things will be seen as some attempt to oppress her. I saw my father go through the same thing with my mother.

 

Misandrists rarely change.

[anne1707]

I feel empathy for her but that doesn't mean he is obligated to take her abuse. I know from experience from what I have witnessed that a man trying to have a healthy relationship with a woman like this is just an exercise in futility. Even the most innocent things will be seen as some attempt to oppress her. I saw my father go through the same thing with my mother.

 

Misandrists rarely change.

 

Well seeing as you have changed so little - or refuse to change - then yes, I can see why you are so negative towards this woman. How come it is acceptable for you to be this way but not for this woman?

[Woggle]

Well seeing as you have changed so little - or refuse to change - then yes, I can see why you are so negative towards this woman. How come it is acceptable for you to be this way but not for this woman?

 

I am not this way. I have said time and time again that I vent on this board in order to keep from doing this to my wife. I am actually very loving towards her while she seems to think that being loving towards a man makes her subservient. I also know that women like her rarely ever change. Do you want him to keep beating his head against the wall for a man who will always look at being a loving wife as slavery?

[anne1707]

I am not this way. I have said time and time again that I vent on this board in order to keep from doing this to my wife. I am actually very loving towards her while she seems to think that being loving towards a man makes her subservient. I also know that women like her rarely ever change. Do you want him to keep beating his head against the wall for a man who will always look at being a loving wife as slavery?

 

 

You may act differently IRL, but you express your true feelings here and everytime you do that, it is a betrayal to your wife who does not know how you really feel about her gender.

 

Anyway this is a total t/j and I am very sorry to the OP

 

OP - your wife needs help and MC is not enough. She needs a professional counsellor who can help her work through all the problems she has developed as a result of her childhood. You also need to recognise your part in the problems you have in your marriage too though. Just as she has made it very difficult for you both, you could have done better too.

 

I think for the sake of your children, the priority should be her counselling with support from you.