hard lessons

[rnadom32]

About a 1.5 years ago, I began dating a girl in her mid twenties. I feel it necessary to point out she was in her mid twenties due to what you will read below. Everything seemed great at first, as one would expect. Towards the end of our relationship things went downhill quickly.

 

Lesson one:

 

She told me she loved me three weeks after starting to date. BIG RED FLAG.

She seemed like a genuinely loving person, and in some regards she is and was.

 

Lesson two:

 

She called me upwards 8-9 times a day. ANOTHER RED FLAG. My gut told me something was wrong here. VERY WRONG. I didnt listen. Stupid of me.

 

Lesson three:

She talked trash about her ex boyfriend of 4 years. She stated he was going bald at 23 and had a small penis. Really? How shallow can you get.

 

Lesson four: She has a mental illness. Many times she would call me up crying. Day after day. Most recently, she called me up crying hysterically because she was being physically abused by her mom. On top of that, she has terrible anxiety. She would call me up and beg me not to leave her because of her difficulities. She has a terrible home life.

 

Lesson five: If she begins to make comments like "Oh I wish you were like so and so" GET OUT NOW

 

Lesson six: She cuts you off from your female friends. She told me she wasnt comfortable with me spending time with my friends. I happen to have a ton of female friends. I always invited her to go with me. ALWAYS. she would read all of my texts to them. Fine. I had nothing to hide. But here's the kicker.. see the next lesson.

 

Lesson seven: If she starts hanging out with other guys, going to have drinks, etc and doesnt want you there or doesnt invite you.. GET OUT. Not to say she cheated, in my case, she did not. Our relationship continued many months after this behavior.

 

Lesson nine: She is indifferent about sex. She claimed she doesn't care about sex that her medications would make her not in the mood. Sure. Whatever you say. The relationship ended soon after this.

 

In spite of all this, I stuck with her. Why? I genuinely fell in love. She is smart, funny, and attractive. So I listened every day to her. Gave positive encouragement, told her she was special. I NEVER EVER criticized her. I was loving and supportive. She told me often I was her "rock" and how I was the kindest person she had ever met. She told me she loved me all the time. Slowly I fell in love with her. Love is blind right? You bet. I should have bought a seeing eye dog.

 

I moved into a new place 5 minutes from her so it would be convenient for us to see each other. Guess what?!?! She ended the relationship abruptly one week after I moved.

 

At first I felt relieved. Then I became angry. I feel used. Im a guy though, what the hell!? I miss her a ton. Despite all of her BS drama. So the million dollar question I keep asking is.. Why did I stick by her?

[norajane]

Why did I stick by her?

 

You felt good about yourself while you were with her. That's mostly why people "fall in love" with someone. You liked yourself with her.

 

Do you have a caretaker personality?

[rnadom32]

Thanks for the reply!

 

Yes I do have a caretaker personality. I guess that's something I need to work on. Isnt that something women generally like though?

[norajane]

Isnt that something women generally like though?

Sure it is. In healthy relationships BOTH people take care of each other.

 

But there are guys who identify too strongly with the caretaker role, and those guys will always suffer. Some women will take advantage of that, because they know you will clean up their messes and will accept their bullsh*t endlessly. You might feel good because you think a woman "needs" you, but really, she is using you. And the more you do, the longer you stay and do for her, the less respect she'll have for you and the more she will require you to do and the bitchier or needier she will become to get you to do it.

 

Be careful not to become Captain Save-a-Ho. If you are drawn to needy, bitchy women with messy lives and you think you can save them...you are already in too deep. Those kinds of women will suck the life out of you and spit you out and then blame you for it.

 

You can't fix people. They have to fix themselves. So don't fall into the trap of going out with women who have many emotional issues, are always on anti-depressants, have money problems, family problems, problems up the wazoo. THOSE women are vampires and will use you. And you won't even realize it because you'll feel sad for them: oh, poor thing, she's depressed, or lost her job, or her car needs to be fixed, or she feels insecure, or she is anxious, or she is always jealous so you need to change yourself to please her, or she has kids and her baby daddy is a loser...the list of her needs is never-ending and you will NEVER meet all her demands, but you will kill yourself trying and then will get dumped when she finds a new Captain Save-a-Ho who hasn't seen through her yet.

 

Don't let a pretty face fool you into falling for someone who "needs" help all the time to the detriment of your own mental and emotional health. And for your own sake, do not make the mistake of marrying one or having kids with one. Especially don't have kids with one. And don't trust her with birth control - these kinds of women always seem to have accidental pregnancies and drama. Use condoms.

Edited November 22, 2011 by norajane

[rnadom32]

thanks again for the reply.

 

I guess my mind cant grasp why someone would throw away a person who provided so much love and support. I was and still am literally in shock over this. Im at the lowest ive been in a long time. I just want to pull my teeth out. I walk around all day in a daze. Everything feels empty.