It's me...again

[Dreamer]

(re-cap) relationship of 5.5 years...guy took off with ex to vegas...stupid me to ever believe a word spoken out of his mouth! anyway, everything was laid out on the table two weeks ago. every time something looked better, he always left me for it. then when it wasn't any better, he'd come back. the vegas thing...he was trying to impress her, but it didn't work. see, before i knew any of this, we were talking about working things out. now i know why: it was not working out with his ex. he had also said that if he came back again, he would probably end up doing it again. he was very damn honest, but i needed it. now i know who he really is...and we both dislike each other very much. i dislike him because he used someone who loved him unconditionally and took her for granted. he dislikes me because i was naive and dumb, and because i knew that access code to his pager. he was upset that i kept my knowledge of the access code. after he found out...the question of how much i knew came up. i didn't know too much obviously, but it was enough for him to hate me. anyway, it's over now. it hurts because i realized the person that lives today, is not the one i fell in love with. he has been gone for a long time. everyone keeps telling me that it's gonna hurt for awhile...well i'm tired of it...i wish the memories would go away. anyway, it's late. see ya all later!

[Tony T]

Everything you described in this post, and your previous ones I recall, paint a picture of a ridiculously pathetic relationship that really didn't need to exist. You were right in terminating it. It had few if any elements of a healthy, loving situation.

 

It will take a little bit for you to heal from the hurt but not long. It will take longer for you to get over the time you spent deceiving your own self about all this and not taking action sooner. But forgive yourself. You've learned valuable lessons.

 

Please don't ever be a part of a relationship where you have to have the access code to your guy's pager in order to engage in an ongoing intelligence-gathering mission because he is not trustworthy. Don't even go there.

[Jenna]

Never feel stupid for believing in someone- trusting them-and loving them. For you are not the stupid one- the one that hurt and deceived you is.

 

Next time- if you find that you are being taken for granted, lied to, used, being made a fool of- end it then. We aren't going to find our perfect person on the first try- or even the second or the 12th! (Unless you are blessed with luck)- How ever corny it may sound- this saying is true- "You have to kiss a lot of toads-before you find your prince."

 

No matter how much we want people to change- we have to accept that it is virtually impossible to alter someone's "core being"- and by insisting on it- they just learn to be better at deceiving you. You can change behavior- but you can't change the person. Even child molesters can be taught to control their impulse to abuse- but the "core being" is still an abuser. I know that is a serious analogy- but I hope you get the meaning behind it.

 

Don't be angry with yourself- you are learning as you go just like the rest of us are. My husband has asked me before if I ever felt stupid during the year after my divorce from my first husband. This was my first love- and I probably won't ever love anyone like that again- and I wanted to believe that he loved me too. After we divorced-for a whole year- he was in and out of my life- one day he wanted his family back- and the next he would have nothing to do with me- and I let it go on because I thought he would change. He never did- and I finally realized that no matter how much I loved him - my love couldn't make him change to be the husband that I needed. I ended it and got on with my life -finding another man who "is" what I need. But to answer my husbands question- I gave a firm "no"- I never felt stupid for loving that man- I never felt embarrassed for letting him come back just to watch him leave again- I don't regret believing that he could love me- because I learned so many things from my time with him. And in looking back- I know that I opened every door so that he could have his family back- I did everything I could possibly do. So today (9 years later)- it isn't "me" that feels regret and stupidity- but guess who does?

 

I hope there is some part of my post that you can apply to your own delima to help you be strong and confident.

 

Good Luck, Jenna

Everything you described in this post, and your previous ones I recall, paint a picture of a ridiculously pathetic relationship that really didn't need to exist. You were right in terminating it. It had few if any elements of a healthy, loving situation. It will take a little bit for you to heal from the hurt but not long. It will take longer for you to get over the time you spent deceiving your own self about all this and not taking action sooner. But forgive yourself. You've learned valuable lessons. Please don't ever be a part of a relationship where you have to have the access code to your guy's pager in order to engage in an ongoing intelligence-gathering mission because he is not trustworthy. Don't even go there.