Emotionally abused?

[NicoleM]

First of let me go back to when we met......

 

We met at a restaurant and hit it off immediately. He was the sweetest guy in the world and did sweet things. The first couple of months were perfect and I was in love:bunny: Soon things changed..........

 

He would act weird.... One minute he would be telling me how much he loved me the next he would suddenly disappear for no apparent reason and not contact me for days and I was confused what happened? He would contact me again and say baby I missed you so much! One day he went crazy because I didn't answer my phone and kept calling me over and over again and finally he called me at my mom's house demanding to know where I was and why didn't I answer my phone. I said I am at my mom's house I will be leaving shortly and he said good I have a surprise for you that cannot wait! I got home and he came over with a dress for me and I thought it was the sweetest thing he could of ever done. I even forgave him for going crazy because I didn't answer my phone. This went on and on the not calling the calling vanishing the I love yous the vanishing again.

 

Now my boyfriend vanished again due to my confronting him about his addiction to porn and his constant flirting and I said it is getting out of hand and he said he was going to go find himself and leave him alone. My question is this... Am I in a emotionally abusive relationship?? He doesn't say mean things to me he doesn't make remarks to me he just keeps disappearing in and out of my life and then coming back saying how much he loves me.

[betterdeal]

You could describe it as an emotionally abusive relationship, but how does that improve your life?

 

I feel that the term "abusive" is somewhat overused and seeing as it covers everything from child molestation to what you're experiencing, it can be inflammatory to label this yo-yo behaviour of this guy as abuse. It also puts you into a victim role, which makes you weak by implication.

 

That said, if we put the labels to one side, you've identified things that annoy you about him, and told him, which is great. However, I'm a bit concerned by what you said about the dress and how you melted on receipt of that gift. It's nice to give gifts, but as someone once said, when a man gives flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

 

He sounds like a bit of a Muppet as the girls in my social group used to call the boys who were sweet, kind, funny, unreliable, and clueless. That, to me, is a more empowering way to look at it: seeing him as being a bit of a Muppet is less damning for you and him, which gives more scope for having fun and for change.

 

Don't spend too much time trying to fix him. He has his journey to take, and changing the porn and flirting things will take time and practice, just like any other major character growth. Perhaps too much time and effort for you to stay invested in the project. In which case, you can step out of it and find someone who's more evolved as a person and thus closer to where you are in life.

 

Muppet or abuser, whichever label you give it, it's bloody annoying when someone has ants in the pants and just won't sit still, isn't it?