Confronting parent soon...

[rgs1400]

I have a very strained relationship with my dad but I think specifics are needed to better define the circumstances. To quickly sum up most of his negative characteristics: delusions of grandeur, first class bullsh*tter, passive aggressive, pathological liar, and generally just "out there" (talks about conspiracies, prophecies, etc. all the time now) There is just never "normal" behavior and nothing is ever simple -- i.e. he can never be punctual, keep a schedule; even something as simple as running out to the store to get milk is a big production. I should note that although are relationship is strained, we don't really fight. Because I am too afraid to confront him and he is very manipulative and passive aggressive, I am forced to either retaliate in a similar manner, ignore the situation completely, or let him manipulate me.

 

When my parents got divorced, many of his legal and financial troubles fell into my mom's lap and it was nearly debilitating. She continued to raise me, house me, support me, and so on; he provided little financial (or other) support, and didn't even provide so much as an explanation or an apology for his actions. He always cries wolf and pretends to be the victim.

 

To maintain my privacy I do not want to offer specific details, but rest assured even the most civilized young adult would have arguably punched his father, taken him to court, and cut off all communication.

 

For years I have not been able to confront my dad about his wrongdoings. Not only do I feel it is a necessary step for my mental health, but I also have to attempt to recover money he owes me and it won't be an easy task. I know that there are lots of psychological issues at play -- (I'm afraid of confrontation, fear of rejection, my dad has some kind of mental "grip" on me) -- and I am in the process of seeking out therapy.

 

He lives in another state in a house he bought with another woman and her children. Part of the reason he moved was to escape the aforementioned legal and financial problems. He will likely be coming into town on or around Thanksgiving and wants to get together with me. Every single time I meet with him I know I need to just confront him -- I owe it to myself and my mother -- but I can never DO it. I am always frightened and back down. Consequently, my mom is always disappointed and tells me that I must do this for myself, but I need to stand up for her too.

 

Here's the thing: I know a holiday is a terrible time to do this, but I rarely ever see him in person and I think the gravity of the situation requires face-to-face contact. I need some feedback/advice/encouragement/etc. because I need to just "man up." Would a therapist say that there will never be a proper time to do something like this, therefore the fact that it is a holiday is irrelevant?

 

Thank you for taking the time out to help me

[Downtown]

we don't really fight. Because I am too afraid to confront him.

RGS, welcome back to the LS forum. I'm sorry you received no response to your excellent post nearly two years ago. The behaviors you describe sound like the classic traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and BPD (Borderline PD). Most folks who have strong traits of one disorder also have strong traits of one or two others also. Only a professional can determie whether those traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that level, they can make your life difficult. Moreover, traits such as bullying, temper tantrums, grandiosity, vindictiveness, selfishness, controlling manipulation, frequent lying, and black-white thinking -- all of which you are describing -- are easy to spot. Significantly, the ever-present "I am a poor victim" mentality that you describe is a hallmark of BPD traits.

I am forced to either retaliate in a similar manner, ignore the situation completely, or let him manipulate me.

As an adult, you are not being forced to do anything. Rather, you are choosing to always be walking on eggshells (not being your true self) to avoid triggering his childish temper tantrums. I therefore suggest you obtain a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is the #1 best-selling book targeted to the family members and partners of BPDers and NPDers. You may also benefit from participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com. That site has so many members that there are 8 separate message boards -- one of which is "Coping with Parents with BPD."

For years I have not been able to confront my dad about his wrongdoings. ... I feel it is a necessary step for my mental health.

I agree and I believe sooner is better than later. You have waited too long as it is. He has been acting like a spoiled child for years and allowed TO GET AWAY WITH IT. Even when adults have strong PD traits, their only hope for learning how to grow up is for their friends and family to hold them fully accountable for their destruction actions. This means they must be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of their own actions. Hence, you are doing him no favor by protecting him from those consequences.

Would a therapist say that there will never be a proper time to do something like this, therefore the fact that it is a holiday is irrelevant?

None of us on the forum can tell you that because we are not therapists. We can only share our personal experiences and offer our opinions. You already know my opinion.

I am in the process of seeking out therapy.

Smart decision. Keep in mind, however, that -- like the members of any profession -- therapists vary greatly in their knowledge and skill sets. It therefore is prudent to obtain a recommendation from a trusted doctor, from online resources, or from calling the psych department at a local hospital or university. Meanwhile, if you would like to read more about what it is like to live with a typical BPDer, you may want to check out my post in Pat's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3736365#post3736365. Take care, RGS.

[rgs1400]

Thank you both for the supportive replies. Downtown, I especially appreciate your in depth feedback.

 

You'll be happy to know that I did in fact confront him yesterday night. It was not an easy task for me, but I finally overcame an obstacle that was making me suffer for a long time. All things considered, I believe it was just the first step in what is sure to be a long journey to recovery (or to cutting off communication if things don't change....). Some things probably went in one ear and out the other for him, but to me that is almost secondary; I'm happy I was able to say a lot of things that had been bottled up for a long time, even if they were hurtful to him in the moment. Like you said, protecting him from consequences and letting him get away with unacceptable behavior would not serve me (or others) well. Lastly, I kept in mind, and will continue to keep in mind, that I am not in the wrong here.