From 'ED,porn,and lies'...to CHEATING!

[locamia]

I had just posted on here about an ongoing problem with my husbands porn problem and lying. If you want the back story its here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307208/

 

Well as of last night these things are the least of my problems. Apparently he's been lying to me for 8 years. He told me last night that HE CHEATED ON ME!! ..TWICE! I am still in shock. My entire world has been turned upside down. I dont know what to do or what to think right now. He is sleeping at his parents right now until I figure out what to do.

 

Basically this came out because we are supposed to be going away this weekend for our 10th anniversary so I wanted to get everything out in the open before the trip so we could move on. I texted him yesterday that it was time to own up to all the lies and clear his conscience so that I could trust what he says from now on and we can move past it. Keep in mind at this point I am still thinking he is going to fess up to all the lies he told me about porn use. Then he unloaded a BOMBSHELL on me.

 

The conversation went on for 5 hours so the only reason he told me everything was because I kept asking questions and digging deeper and the story just kept getting bigger. It went from 'I went to a strip club 3 times' to...'I've been to a strip club 8 times, bought a lapdance once and during it was offered 'extras' but turned her down'. But then she told him that if he didnt want a BJ he was still allowed to touch himself so he proceeded to masturbate while she was on his lap playing with herself!! This apparently happened about 4 years ago..which would be right after I gave birth to twins. Obviously not only did I not know anything about this, he's always told me he's never been to a strip club before and doesnt even like them because they're dirty. (Yeah..because of scumbags like you in the back room with the whores!)

 

Then he tells me that 8 years ago, after the birth of our son, he worked with a girl for years who he had made out with prior to ever even meeting me. Because of this they always had a flirting/sexual comments thing going on. Then at the point this had happened he was giving her rides home after work and one night she said 'lets just f**k and get it over with.' He said no but asked to see her tits and crotch and then told her to prove that she knows how to deep throat. She did. He got a blow job. Supposedly never kissed her and never touched her and after this happened he still had to work with her and it was awkward but he made one of his employees give her rides home every night from then on and nothing else happened.

 

I have so many questions right now but I guess the most obvious one would be: what the f**k do I do now?! Can I ever forgive this? Should I? Will he ever be capable of doing this again? How do I ever trust that? How do I know he is still telling me everything? Basically he told me these are the only 2 situations where he's ever had an opportunity to do anything. I guess he thought this was a good thing when really all it tells me is that he never NOT taken advantage of an opportunity to cheat on me!

 

I know that he he supposedly didnt have sex with anybody and also could have been out doing these things throughout our 12 years together, and also that he could have gotten away with it and continued to lie. I know they all mean something but at this moment they mean absolutely nothing to me. He still cheated. And he said hes had so much guilt all these years about the 1st incident but then how could he manage to get into trouble again a second time. I dont deserve any of this and I dont know what to do. Jesus christ we have 3 kids. Please help me!

[Shiloh 2011]

I had just posted on here about an ongoing problem with my husbands porn problem and lying. If you want the back story its here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307208/

 

Well as of last night these things are the least of my problems. Apparently he's been lying to me for 8 years. He told me last night that HE CHEATED ON ME!! ..TWICE! I am still in shock. My entire world has been turned upside down. I dont know what to do or what to think right now. He is sleeping at his parents right now until I figure out what to do.

 

Basically this came out because we are supposed to be going away this weekend for our 10th anniversary so I wanted to get everything out in the open before the trip so we could move on. I texted him yesterday that it was time to own up to all the lies and clear his conscience so that I could trust what he says from now on and we can move past it. Keep in mind at this point I am still thinking he is going to fess up to all the lies he told me about porn use. Then he unloaded a BOMBSHELL on me.

 

The conversation went on for 5 hours so the only reason he told me everything was because I kept asking questions and digging deeper and the story just kept getting bigger. It went from 'I went to a strip club 3 times' to...'I've been to a strip club 8 times, bought a lapdance once and during it was offered 'extras' but turned her down'. But then she told him that if he didnt want a BJ he was still allowed to touch himself so he proceeded to masturbate while she was on his lap playing with herself!! This apparently happened about 4 years ago..which would be right after I gave birth to twins. Obviously not only did I not know anything about this, he's always told me he's never been to a strip club before and doesnt even like them because they're dirty. (Yeah..because of scumbags like you in the back room with the whores!)

 

Then he tells me that 8 years ago, after the birth of our son, he worked with a girl for years who he had made out with prior to ever even meeting me. Because of this they always had a flirting/sexual comments thing going on. Then at the point this had happened he was giving her rides home after work and one night she said 'lets just f**k and get it over with.' He said no but asked to see her tits and crotch and then told her to prove that she knows how to deep throat. She did. He got a blow job. Supposedly never kissed her and never touched her and after this happened he still had to work with her and it was awkward but he made one of his employees give her rides home every night from then on and nothing else happened.

 

I have so many questions right now but I guess the most obvious one would be: what the f**k do I do now?! Can I ever forgive this? Should I? Will he ever be capable of doing this again? How do I ever trust that? How do I know he is still telling me everything? Basically he told me these are the only 2 situations where he's ever had an opportunity to do anything. I guess he thought this was a good thing when really all it tells me is that he never NOT taken advantage of an opportunity to cheat on me!

 

I know that he he supposedly didnt have sex with anybody and also could have been out doing these things throughout our 12 years together, and also that he could have gotten away with it and continued to lie. I know they all mean something but at this moment they mean absolutely nothing to me. He still cheated. And he said hes had so much guilt all these years about the 1st incident but then how could he manage to get into trouble again a second time. I dont deserve any of this and I dont know what to do. Jesus christ we have 3 kids. Please help me!

 

I am sorry this happened to you. But to anyone who read your first post, it was obvious you were touching the tip of an iceberg. Or garbage heap.

 

I've never been in a situation like yours, but my advice would be to slow down and try to think and act rationally.

 

First, how do you know that he's told you everything? It's tough for me to believe the 'she gave me BJ, but that was it' line. And the 'lap dance while masturbating but that's it' line. Cheaters/liars often eke out the truth one devastating detail at a time. Be prepared to hear about more...

 

Second, think to yourself: what do I want? Do you want to stay married to someone who's done this? What are the pros and cons of staying and leaving? What do you want for your family?

 

Third, get professional counselling ASAP. You have a lot of healing to do. Your kids need you.

 

So so sorry. Good luck.

[locamia]

I am sorry this happened to you. But to anyone who read your first post, it was obvious you were touching the tip of an iceberg. Or garbage heap.

 

I've never been in a situation like yours, but my advice would be to slow down and try to think and act rationally.

 

First, how do you know that he's told you everything? It's tough for me to believe the 'she gave me BJ, but that was it' line. And the 'lap dance while masturbating but that's it' line. Cheaters/liars often eke out the truth one devastating detail at a time. Be prepared to hear about more...

 

Second, think to yourself: what do I want? Do you want to stay married to someone who's done this? What are the pros and cons of staying and leaving? What do you want for your family?

 

Third, get professional counselling ASAP. You have a lot of healing to do. Your kids need you.

 

So so sorry. Good luck.

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I havent figured out yet if there were any signs that I missed but I really didnt see this coming. I feel like a complete as* saying this now but I really thought we had a great marriage. I did keep at him throughout the first week this came out because I felt like how can I make any decisions without all the facts. And more came out. He has continued to tell me he didnt sleep with anybody but there were meaningless hookups eventually leading to blow jobs with a girl he worked with between 12 and 9 years ago. And also more incidents of oral sex at strip clubs about 4 or 5 years ago. And then supposedly it stopped. At what point do I stop digging?? We are trying to move forward for now and even started therapy 2 weeks ago. Just still in shock and dont know what to think.

[SoMovinOn]

...I really thought we had a great marriage.

 

I can imagine how you're feeling right now. I know how hard it is to deal with something like this. One thing I would like you to think about a bit ... you asked him for the truth, and he gave it to you. I know that doesn't make anything better or really change anything, just saying - when you ask something like that, you need to be prepared for pretty much anything (especially since you knew there were things you didn't know).

 

 

...I really thought we had a great marriage.

 

Keep in mind, all the good things you had, were still good. Yes... he screwed up, major. ... you two will get through this. It will be tough, but you'll get there.

[Spark1111]

Your H is a classic sex addict. There are professionals now trained in this field who can really, really help him and you if you want it.

 

Please check out SA and try to find a qualified counselor to help him and to help you. Please try to understand it. It will help you to understand the nature of the addiction. Even though it is so devastating for a partner to discover it, it has little to do with his love or feelings for you. Like all addicts, it has to do with his own private demons and maybe, FOO issues and brain chemicals.

 

He told you the truth and that is the very first step towards his own personal recovery. He now needs to find a qualified therapist and a support group.

 

And like all addicts, the fact that he lied to you tells me that even he was aware of how out of control it was becoming. Why do addicts lie? Fear. And fear is better than denial. It shows a burgeoning awareness of "I am realizing I have a problem that I am too ashamed to admit to."

 

Whether you decide to stay married to him or not is totally your decision. Take your time to process this before you decide.

 

Please educate yourself.

[Afishwithabike]

I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

I think you're only finding out just some of what he's done. I would bet there's more you don't know.

 

It's classic for a cheater to minimize and trickle truth. It's better the whole truth come out at once like ripping a band-aid off all at once so you get over the pain all at once, but cheaters often hide and minimize the truth until they're cornered or there's evidence they can't deny.z

Your husband has extremely poor boundaries around women. If you're going to stay with him, you'll need to address that in counseling.

Edited December 11, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Shiloh 2011]

Your H is a classic sex addict. There are professionals now trained in this field who can really, really help him and you if you want it.

 

Please check out SA and try to find a qualified counselor to help him and to help you. Please try to understand it. It will help you to understand the nature of the addiction. Even though it is so devastating for a partner to discover it, it has little to do with his love or feelings for you. Like all addicts, it has to do with his own private demons and maybe, FOO issues and brain chemicals.

 

He told you the truth and that is the very first step towards his own personal recovery. He now needs to find a qualified therapist and a support group.

 

And like all addicts, the fact that he lied to you tells me that even he was aware of how out of control it was becoming. Why do addicts lie? Fear. And fear is better than denial. It shows a burgeoning awareness of "I am realizing I have a problem that I am too ashamed to admit to."

 

Whether you decide to stay married to him or not is totally your decision. Take your time to process this before you decide.

 

Please educate yourself.

 

Spark is right. He's an addict and it has nothing to do with you. I'll bet he was this way even before he married you.

 

Glad that you in in counseling. I hope it works. You have some tough decisions to make and a long road ahead of you if you decide to stay in the marriage. You'll not only have to deal with the usual household and child-caring responsibilities, you'll have to deal with his rehab as well. Very tough stuff.

[locamia]

Therapy is going great so far. We are going together and next week he has an appt for himself with a sex therapist also. In talking last night we made an enlightening realization that helps to make sense of one of the main things I've struggled with since the cheating came to light. I've referred to him as a porn addict since this came out. He corrects me by saying he's 'obsessed with nakedness' (this is obvious with the strip club incidents and as far as the girl he worked with, the incidents in the back room at work and in his car all started with him asking to see her tits/crotch). In many conversations he tries to explain how the porn led to the strip clubs, which led to the lapdances, which led to the blow jobs because you cant control yourself. I disagreed and saw it as 2 separate things. To me he was a porn addict AND someone who was not above cheating on his wife.

 

Last night we realized that he is actually a sex addict, and seeing all your replies tonight made me cry. Now I see it ALL as part of the addiction and for some strange reason that is comforting. He has never wanted anyone but me and I believe this somehow. He has never replaced me with any of these things. He lusts after me 24/7. I cant even change my top without him literally stopping what he is doing to look. He even said sometimes he feels like he is obsessed with me. When I would take the kids out for the day he didnt know what to do with himself and usually ended up looking at porn. He has always had an enormous amount of sexual energy but I always thought it was all directed into me. Now I know no woman including myself would ever have been enough for this man. The question is even with the therapy and his new sense of dedication to figuring himself out and his enlightenment, can I live with that..

[locamia]

Sorry for the double post but I had to share this. I wrote this on the 'happy marriage' thread in May 2010. It KILLS me every time I read it. It makes me feel like I dont even know the man I am married to. And I am not one that floats through life or simply coexists in a marriage. Am I completely oblivious?

 

May 11, 2010:

"I love so many things about my husband of 9 years I dont even know where to start. He is the most selfless, content, and low-maintenence person I have ever met- NEVER complains, never wants much, never asks for anything and would do anything for his family. His job is killing him physically- he's only 29 but in constant pain, bad knees, etc- but he works his ass off even sucks up all the OT he can get so I can continue to stay home will our 3 young kids- never complains about it. Really if he had to choose 1 thing he wants he would probably say more sex BUT because I dont always want it he never initiates and never asks. Never makes me feel guilty either... He is very determined, always strives for more, and can easily handle any situation that is handed to him- truly a step up to the plate kind of guy. He is confident and good at everything he does but never needs reassurance and never wants praise... He is not afraid to say what he means or of what others think of him. Some dont like this kind of brutal honesty but I envy it. Being fairly insecure myself I am always afraid to say what I mean and very aware of how I look and how I come across. He could care less. No bull****. No games. Theres no guessing with him... He is a total goofball and I love it- keeps me laughing all day which is what I need, I tend to get too caught up in the things that stress me out... He is so strong and so unbelievably gorgeous and sexy! I am so grateful for him every day I honestly believe I never couldve found a better man :D"

[luvstarved]

I also doubt that he is a "sex addict", I think he is just a guy who put his libido in charge when he should not have.

 

Honestly, I think most guys would take a free BJ if they had a "no consequences" guarantee. I don't like to stereotype, but I have known a LOT of guys and by and large, they'd all do someone new if they thought it was risk-free.

 

How you work through this is between you and your husband. Everyone has their own limits. I know and would be a fool to ignore that my husband has sexual thoughts about other women...it bothers me at some level but I have to remember he is a human male, and accept it while not dwelling on it.

 

But for ME there is a big difference between fantasy and reality. I told my husband (of 15 years) before we got married that any actual physical infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me. This was not meant as a threat or control assertion...just a statement of fact that if that was the kind of person he was then A) he should be in a position to be that kind of person and enjoy himself B) I have the right to not want to be with that kind of person. I do not fail to understand how people have the urge for a little strange, I just don't want to be with someone for whom this is so important that they end up following through.

 

It is doubtful that anyone here can diagnose your husband or tell you what the fair tradeoffs in your life should be. That's between the two of you. I personally would smoke up the pavement to leave my husband if his desire for a sexual thrill outweighed his love and respect for me, but I also know that some couples survive this and come out better than ever.

 

I wish you the best in dealing with this.

[Shiloh 2011]

Why don't you guys leave that up to a medical professional to determine?

 

Curious response. How do you know who's a medical professional and who's not on this board?

[BetheButterfly]

Sorry for the double post but I had to share this. I wrote this on the 'happy marriage' thread in May 2010. It KILLS me every time I read it. It makes me feel like I dont even know the man I am married to. And I am not one that floats through life or simply coexists in a marriage. Am I completely oblivious?

 

May 11, 2010:

"I love so many things about my husband of 9 years I dont even know where to start. He is the most selfless, content, and low-maintenence person I have ever met- NEVER complains, never wants much, never asks for anything and would do anything for his family. His job is killing him physically- he's only 29 but in constant pain, bad knees, etc- but he works his ass off even sucks up all the OT he can get so I can continue to stay home will our 3 young kids- never complains about it. Really if he had to choose 1 thing he wants he would probably say more sex BUT because I dont always want it he never initiates and never asks. Never makes me feel guilty either... He is very determined, always strives for more, and can easily handle any situation that is handed to him- truly a step up to the plate kind of guy. He is confident and good at everything he does but never needs reassurance and never wants praise... He is not afraid to say what he means or of what others think of him. Some dont like this kind of brutal honesty but I envy it. Being fairly insecure myself I am always afraid to say what I mean and very aware of how I look and how I come across. He could care less. No bull****. No games. Theres no guessing with him... He is a total goofball and I love it- keeps me laughing all day which is what I need, I tend to get too caught up in the things that stress me out... He is so strong and so unbelievably gorgeous and sexy! I am so grateful for him every day I honestly believe I never couldve found a better man :D"

 

I just got married - 3 months ago, and I am very happy and grateful for the man I married, so I understand why you would write what you did. Also, your husband sounds like a good man.

 

You are right about him being a sex addict. If he chooses to, he can get help. If you are religious, there are religious groups that help people recovering from addictions, including sexual addictions. It would be great if y'all can go together. As for counseling, I don't really see how counseling helps all that much unless it's more than just talking. Studying is vital to changing a habit, so your husband studying how it affects you and his family concerning what he is doing is necessary for his brain to connect consequences to habits.

 

I hope he gets his addiction under control and doesn't allow it to destroy his family. My Dad had a porn addiction problem until my Mom found out and was brokenhearted. My Dad felt so bad for hurting her that he stopped and now encourages other men to stop hurting their wife by looking at other women. People can change, same as smokers can stop smoking and alcoholics can stop drinking alcohol... it takes a person willing to change however, and a person understanding the consequences and why it is better to live without suffering those consequences.

[FredRutherford]

This is quite a story, particularly the backstory link you provided on an earlier, "expired" thread.

"Bumping" this as it's an interesting topic.

 

Those of you who know me may have seen my posts in a very long anti-porn thread.

It's for these reasons I'm trying to discourage guys from watching porn.

Yeah, I know it's gonna happen, as I was once a regular porn viewer, but it's best if guys can quit the habit.

[KathyM]

I do think watching too much porn can be harmful and addictive. It can lead to impotence, desensitization for the real thing, and it misdirects a guy's sexual energy towards porn rather than a healthy sexual relationship with his SO. Too much masturbation associated with porn also can lead to a man needing a lot of direct firm pressure that only masturbation can provide, and cause a man to not be sexually stimulated enough through other means. It can also lead to more interest in sexual situations outside of one's primary relationship if that is where a man's mind is directed to an excessive degree. Porn can do a lot of damage if a man gets too involved with it, or it becomes too important to him. And it has an addictive nature to it. People can become addicted before they realize the problems it is causing them.

[FredRutherford]

This is quite a story, particularly the backstory link you provided on an earlier, "expired" thread.

"Bumping" this as it's an interesting topic.

 

Those of you who know me may have seen my posts in a very long anti-porn thread.

It's for these reasons I'm trying to discourage guys from watching porn.

Yeah, I know it's gonna happen, as I was once a regular porn viewer, but it's best if guys can quit the habit.

As can't edit this into that post, here's the porn thread and when I joined the heated discussion.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/3789504-post185.html

http://tinyurl.com/87k6afq

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/305439-porn-again-i-know-13.html

 

Notice I'm the SOLITARY progressive MALE in that thread urging guys to ditch porn...

 

 

 

***Those links don't seem to work on my browser. Not sure why, but several links to same post included...

Edited February 15, 2012 by FredRutherford

[Gottman Institute]

I think there are a lot of complex issues and problems that can be worked out between the couple. But I agree with an earlier post, it's time to get some outside help and perspective.

[Sparty97]

Your H is a classic sex addict. There are professionals now trained in this field who can really, really help him and you if you want it.

 

Please check out SA and try to find a qualified counselor to help him and to help you. Please try to understand it. It will help you to understand the nature of the addiction. Even though it is so devastating for a partner to discover it, it has little to do with his love or feelings for you. Like all addicts, it has to do with his own private demons and maybe, FOO issues and brain chemicals.

 

He told you the truth and that is the very first step towards his own personal recovery. He now needs to find a qualified therapist and a support group.

 

And like all addicts, the fact that he lied to you tells me that even he was aware of how out of control it was becoming. Why do addicts lie? Fear. And fear is better than denial. It shows a burgeoning awareness of "I am realizing I have a problem that I am too ashamed to admit to."

 

Whether you decide to stay married to him or not is totally your decision. Take your time to process this before you decide.

 

Please educate yourself.

 

 

A few times to a strip club and he's a sex addict? Thank you doctor...I've been drunk a few times in my life, it doesn't make me an alcoholic.

[Sparty97]

Curious response. How do you know who's a medical professional and who's not on this board?

 

First off, a medical professional would not be likely to diagnose a patient never having met them.

[Sparty97]

I do think watching too much porn can be harmful and addictive. It can lead to impotence, desensitization for the real thing, and it misdirects a guy's sexual energy towards porn rather than a healthy sexual relationship with his SO. Too much masturbation associated with porn also can lead to a man needing a lot of direct firm pressure that only masturbation can provide, and cause a man to not be sexually stimulated enough through other means. It can also lead to more interest in sexual situations outside of one's primary relationship if that is where a man's mind is directed to an excessive degree. Porn can do a lot of damage if a man gets too involved with it, or it becomes too important to him. And it has an addictive nature to it. People can become addicted before they realize the problems it is causing them.

 

Isn't it possible that some turn to porn due to a lack of intimacy from the partner in the first place? I watch porn myself sometimes. My wife has no interest in sex and I have a healthy sexual appetite. Rather than pressure her sometimes I turn to porn for release. Honestly sometimes I actually wih my desire would decrease.