sinking fast....please read ... all comments welcome...

[JustBreathe]

i've got 2 boys living at home (9 and 13), one in the military, been married 22 years this year, and my life is crap. i cannot do this anymore. i am so destroyed, so hurt, so mutilated. i cannot trust him anymore and yet i still love him. i must be sick, i know it.

 

3 years ago, after being caught in mid-affair with a co-worker, he confesses to having been with prostitutes for all but the first 4 years of our marriage. to say i have been anihilated is putting it mildly. we had sex 3-4 times a week most weeks. he would COUNT the days that went by when we didn't have sex. he was demanding that way. I did not let myself go. presently, i weigh 10 pounds more than i did the day i was married. i take care of myself, work out. he has said he has always enjoyed sex with me and that the sex wtih others was due to his own emotional issues. i have been to counselors, therapists, 12-step meetings (5 months once a week so far), am taking anti-depressants and still i cannot cope. he seems to put no effort into this relationship at all, and yet still says he loves me and wants our marriage to work. he claims he has done all he can to show me he loves me and that if i'm not happy then there's nothing else he can do. whatever. he went to a therapist for 2 years and was on anti-depressants for about 1 year. that's it!

 

he sits comatose in front of the tube night after night, and for all intents and purposes looks depressed and unhappy. he is more distant than ever. i have tried leaving him alone, trying to get him to talk to me, trying to just ignore it all and get on with my life, but nothing seems to work for very long. we seperated for 5 weeks in January. I am sorry i let him come back home. i thought he was going to try, but as usual, i have been the only one trying to get this f*ed up relationship to work.

 

why do i keep trying? why can't i just read the writing on the wall and be done with this emotionally abusive, nowhere relationship? I look at my boys and i want the best for them. i want them to have a full-time dad. but the fact is, he isn't even much of a father as he is too involved with his mental circles to notice anything that goes on around him. still, they seem happier since he's been back home and it is going to kill me to have to tell them he is moving out again. yet i fear that is the only recourse as i can no longer live like this.

 

i was raised poor, had alcoholic father and a co-dependent mom (they're still married 50 years later, still fight all the time). i have never had anything, anyone. i wanted so much to have SOMETHING good in my life. i tried to be a good wife to him. we both came from nothing. i thought i'd be married forever. i will never understand how it all turned out this way. how i allowed myself to settle for so little for so long.

 

god i do not want to grow bitter. i do not want to be angry. i just want to feel peaceful. i just want to feel loved. i want my family i want my boys to be happy. why does everything have to be so screwed up?

 

why do i still love this man? he gives me nothing but pain. how do i let go? how do i just turn it all off and move on with my life? i feel i've tried everything.

 

i don't want a divorce!!! i never wanted to be a divorced woman!! I wanted so much to be married, have a family. i wanted something good and honest.

 

i am so afraid. so worried all the time.

[VivianLee]

I'm so sorry! I feel so badly for you!!

 

First of all, I think alot of the reason you've stayed and put up with this (and I imagine alot of other things) is the fact that you are the adult child of an alcoholic. There are tons of books written about this, do a search and you should be able to find some advice and book titles to read. Be sure to look into that.

 

You're husband displays destructive behavior that is something you can relate to from your past. You don't know anything but chaos even though you seek peace.....

 

It's never to late to change and never wrong to leave when all efforts have been exhausted....he could give you a disease if he ever goes back to prostitutes....you deserve better in every catagory.

 

You sons may seem happy but they also can sense what's going on....this is not a happy home and it's not good for them to live in this environment. They are watching their Daddy emotionally detached himself from you and that is teaching them the wrong way to treat women...

 

Do you have any friends or attend church anywhere? You need a support group!

 

God Bless you in what you decide to do. I hope you will be happy and peaceful soon!!

[JustBreathe]

thank you so much for responding and for the kind words of sympathy. yes, i know that alot of my problems stem from being an adult child of an alcoholic. i have been attending al-anon meetings once a week for 5 months and have learned alot. maybe that' s why it's getting harder to stay in this marriage.

 

i don't go to church as that was something forced on me as a kid.. imagine... my father was a deacon in the church but would drink himself into a stupor every day but the Sabbath, was verbally abusive to his kids and wife, sometimes physically abusive. the hypocrisy turned me off religion and i always said i would not force religion on my children. but perhaps now is the time to revisit this idea and see if i can draw some comfort from it.

 

i just never wanted to be divorced. i did love my husband, knew he was distant and flawed, but i loved him anyway. i tried so very hard and it is so hard to admit my efforts were all in vain. marriage is supposed to be forever. that's what i was taught. that's what i believed. you stay together through thick and thin. no matter what.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by JustBreathe

thank you so much for responding and for the kind words of sympathy. yes, i know that alot of my problems stem from being an adult child of an alcoholic. i have been attending al-anon meetings once a week for 5 months and have learned alot. maybe that' s why it's getting harder to stay in this marriage.

 

i don't go to church as that was something forced on me as a kid.. imagine... my father was a deacon in the church but would drink himself into a stupor every day but the Sabbath, was verbally abusive to his kids and wife, sometimes physically abusive. the hypocrisy turned me off religion and i always said i would not force religion on my children. but perhaps now is the time to revisit this idea and see if i can draw some comfort from it.

 

i just never wanted to be divorced. i did love my husband, knew he was distant and flawed, but i loved him anyway. i tried so very hard and it is so hard to admit my efforts were all in vain. marriage is supposed to be forever. that's what i was taught. that's what i believed. you stay together through thick and thin. no matter what.

 

The al-anon meetings are a wonderful step! Good for you for doing that already!!

 

I understand the church situation. My Daddy was a minister, he wasn't a hypocrite but I felt like I was "churched to death"!! ....it took me 5 yrs before I attended after I was married....now my husband is "of all things" a minister, sadly there have been times we have been hypocrites and I'm sure this is going to be the downfall of my precious daughter...

Having said that...really do consider revisiting church and religion....I honestly feel that between the a faith in God and the unwavering support of a church family....I've handled way more than a human being is supposed to and stay sane!!

 

I know staying married means so much to you but look at your parent's? Is that the way you want to find yourself 30 yrs from now? You can't help it that your husband ruined your marriage starting 4 yrs into it. You're marriage was only real and true for 4 yrs.......you can resurrect what seems to have been dying or dead.

It's nothing to do with you, you have tried and sound like a wonderful wife and mother (that a good decent man would adore and love to have!)...your husband has the problem and has ruined things.....So if it comes to divorce....the only one to blame is your husband......some people just can't be made to be happy. Stop trying....go and see that you and your boys are happy!!

 

I'll be praying and best of luck!!

[RackEmUp]

why do i keep trying? why can't i just read the writing on the wall and be done with this emotionally abusive, nowhere relationship?

Don't beat yourself up. Instead, give yourself some big pats and hugs for having the courage, tenacity and commitment for all the years that you have stayed in there and kept trying. You're NOT sick - it just feels that way when you are in a sick marriage.

 

Is your relationship really ALL BAD? Don't get me wrong - I understand all the pain you have described. You are very eloquent. But is there NOTHING good about it? Any little crumb, and little spark of goodness? Try to find that spark, and at least you will know why you have held on for so long.

 

If you don't want divorce, then I suggest you do whatever you can to make your marriage better. Amazingly, this is something you can do WITHOUT your husband's participation. Please see http://www.divorcebusting.com and http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Both give you specific steps to take that will increase the love and happiness you feel. And if you spend 6 months really doing these programs and you don't get noticeable results, I think you will feel more comfortable with the decision to end it. But divorce may NOT be inevitable. If you want to stay married, check out those web sites and try their advice. BTW, your husband sounds as if he is still depressed. Depression wreaks HAVOC in marriages and often causes the other spouse to become clinically depressed as well. I would start slipping Prozac into his beer if I were you. Only half joking...get him back on his meds. At worst, it will help him handle the divorce more easily.

 

I wanted so much to be married, have a family. i wanted something good and honest.

Even if you divorce, you will have a family. And chances are you will marry again, and you will have learned how to choose more wisely and how to manage your relationship with your husband so it STAYS good. And even if your husband is not good and honest, you can be

 

I sympathize with you so deeply, that I just want to share my condolences with you, and also my praise for your strength. The problems you have described are SO painful, but you are surviving and you are working on them. God bless you for that, and may He give you all the strength you need, and comfort you.

[JustBreathe]

thank you so much rackemup for your post. you guys are so terrific. it is so nice not to hear judgmental stuff. when i try to talk about this to my mother or my friends i wind up feeling like an idiot for having been in this mess for so long!

 

my mom says marriage is forever, blah blah blah, .. but no. i do not want to wind up like her married to a man that still abuses her. my friends say he's a cheater and what the heck am i even tolerating his presence for anymore, throw him out blah blah blah. but no.. it isn't that simple when you have school age children and have 22 years invested in your marriage.

 

it is nice to hear things that don't make me feel confused or like a fool and REMIND me that i am not stupid. i have nothing to fear. i will be okay. and that there IS a God and i should place this mess in His hands and let Him light my path.

 

we are never alone, are we. whenever things get too rough, i forget how delightfully freeing it is to simply admit I am powerless to control or change anyone in my life except myself and simply put it in the Lord's hands and let Him handle it.

 

thanks for the reminder and your prayers. i am glad i came here today.

[mywife'smanalways]

Please let me start by saying, how sorry I am to hear of your situation and how much I wish I could push a button and change it for you......

 

I would like to commend you for your perseverence thus far. I believe it is a testament to your desire to be a woman of honor. As to your husband, his behavior is reprehensible. I also believe that he has a serious sexual addiction that, whether you reamin married to him or not, must be dealt with in some way. And you are absolutely right about the harmful effects that this may have on your sons. It would be a terrible thing indeed for them to come to adulthood beliving that this is the right way for husbands to treat their wives.

 

You DO have the right to expect a good marriage and family life. We all need and desire this. And please- do not confuse "religion" with a true relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Your father did not demonstrate any of the qualities of an honorable Christian husband and father. Please do not judge God by the acts of flawed, imperfect people. I met my wife in church, and she has truly been a gift and blessing from Him.

 

I will pray for you, and I wish you nothing but the best. Please keep your friends here posted.

[JustBreathe]

thanks for your message and your prayers. i need those prayers badly today. include in your prayers that i find a man like you. who values his wife and identifies himself as "her man forever." i would give all that i had in this world to feel that my husband loved me this much. if it is not in God's plan for me that i meet a man who can love me, then pray with me that i will at least find peace by myself.

 

today i am feeling worse than ever. the cycle escalated and i blew up at him night before last. i told him how i felt - cut out of his life, lonely - but i also said some really hurtful things. it was wrong of me, i know it. i handled everything wrong. he became very angry and still is, even though i have apologized over and over for losing it. now, this morning, he is talking on the phone to my sister-in-law who we do not even know. she and his brother are seperating and i hear him co-miserating with her on the phone "I know how you feel. I'm going through the same thing. Do you have my phone number? if you need to.. well..." i cannot tell you how much it hurt to hear him being so kind, having so much empathy for another woman when he appears to have no regard for my feelings whatsoever. i am crushed.

 

i told him i had overheard him talking to her. i told him if he treated me with half the kindness, showed me half the empathy and concern for my feelings, we might have a chance at being happy together. he said i had no business listening in on his phone conversations but that he had said and done nothing wrong. i burst into tears and i swear i cried so hard my chest hurt. i couldn't stop. it was horrible.

 

he seemed to feel guilty after that, told me to stop crying but i couldn't. he tried to talk to me but i was too upset. he said he would try to stop acting like such a jerk and that he had messed up and what he had said to her was pure garbage. i told him he couldn't help it. he needed help to stop doing it and wasn't getting it and it wasn't anything he could control alone. then i pulled out my journal and read to him where i had described the cycle of abuse we go through. he said my description was correct and asked me how to stop it. i told him i didn't know. that if i knew that i would be doing whatever it took to stop it.

 

i fear it will always be this way. he will never change. i will always be the person he reflects all his bad feelings on and these other women he reaches out to are women who understand him.

 

i have decided he is an utter fool and i am a bigger one for putting up with all of this. if he thinks he can find another woman who could put up with his mess, i invite him to do so. i am a shell. empty. i have nothing left to give him.

 

i am going to ask him to leave. this time for good. all i need is some money and my taxes are due to come in soon. we are so strapped with bills, that i have to wait until then. but i have made up my mind. i have to get away from him. he is an emotional abuser.

 

but oh Lord, it hurts so very much. i feel i could die from the pain of it. when i think of my boys being without a dad and me being without a him, i get so afraid. i don't think i'm strong enough.

 

anyway, thanks for "listening." i do not know how i will get through this. i will put it in God's hands. there must be a reason this is happening to me.

 

is there a scripture you could point me to? i remember having to memorize those in church school. beats me why i can't recall a single one of them now when i need it most.

[FolderWife]

I am right there in your shoes...sort of.

 

I don't have any kids with my husband. My husband is emotionally abusive in the WORST possible ways. To my knowledge, he's never cheated on me.

 

I know what it's like to visit your friends, and see how their husbands are so thoughtful...like putting gas in their cars. I know what it's like to watch your friends have conversations with their husbands. I know what it's like to watch your friends laugh with their husbands.

 

My husband is constantly putting me down. My husband never laughs with me....the closest he's ever come is making a joke about me, and laughing at how witty he is. My husband can't have a conversation with me about anything, without getting angry at me over nothing. For instance, last night we were discussing homeowners insurance, and he said that his friend told him to over insure it by $20,000. I asked why, and he rolled his eyes, and said, "To cover all the stuff that's IN it!" I said, "They take pictures of whats inside, so they know how much to insure." He said, "Ok". Then got mad. I could tell. I started to get up, and his feet were in my way, and he said, "GO!!!"

 

There are no conversations between my husband and I, that don't end with him getting angry at me.

 

I don't know how he could be so stupid as to not see it!!!!

 

Any way, I've been trying to talk myself into leaving for at least a month. I've started keeping a journal of his constant abuse, to use if I ever do get the courage to leave. He won't listen when I try to tell him how unhappy I am. He acts like he couldn't care less.

 

I don't know why you or I are so scared of leaving. I don't want to leave my home! I don't want to have to make it on my own. I don't want my family spouting out "I-told-you-sos" I don't want to be a divorced woman. I don't want to have a failed marriage.

 

My marriage was good for a whole month, then it just fell apart. It got unbearable. It got to the point that I was packing to go, and he started acting like the man that I fell in love with. Our marriage was never so close that we could have a conversation without him getting mad at me, but neither was my Mom and Dad's marriage. I thought that I could live the rest of my life with him...we don't have to be 100% compatible. Then he started calling me horrible names, and saying the meanest, cruelest things to me. Everything but "I don't love you." He won't say he doesn't love me. He doesn't treat me with any love either.

 

I want to leave sometimes. Sometimes, I imagine my life if I stay married to him, and I just want to cry. I am doomed to a life of misery if I stay with him.

 

Yet I STAY!!!! I can't bring myself to give up yet!!! I don't know what's going on in our heads...I guess we just can't let go of the fantasy that the man we love is still in them somewhere

[FolderWife]

P.S. I've thought through our entire marriage, I just thought that we weren't compatible. I thought that if we (or I) worked to have things in common, or to just understand each other once in a while, that we could become happily married. I thought he just didn't understand me, and thought I was putting him down or something.

 

NOPE.

 

He's just ABUSIVE. It took me a year to realize that he's not just misunderstanding me, or that he's just had a bad day....he thrives on hurting me. He says things soley to hurt me. He will call me into a room with this lovey dovey attitude, ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, he calls me stupid. If I try to defend myself, he starts saying cruel things, and calling me horrible names.

 

It wasn't always like this. For the past month, however, he's been a monster! Always before, I couldn't leave because I had hope that we could work it out. I've finally come to realize that "WE" can't do anything, if he wants to stay married, then "HE'S" going to have to get some mental help. If he doesn't get it, however, I don't think we are going to make it.

 

The idea of not being able to make it work scares me and hurts me so bad! I dont' know if I stay because I love him, or because I love being a wife. I believe that once a person has been married, it's for life. If you divorce your lover because of abuse, then you must remain single. If you divorce because of adultery, then you are free to marry someone else.

 

If he would ever cheat on me, I'd have a free ticket out. I love being a wife. I love everything about being a wife....except who I'm married to.

 

My husband had so many redeeming qualities until about a month ago. Now, he's just a monster, and I couldn't care less what happens to him.

 

I have went as far as to think I'd be glad if he died!!! Then I wouldn't be faced with a failed marriage, and I could find someone else who'd treat me right!

 

I can't BELIEVE such thoughts have entered my head, but that's how bad it is. I dont' think I love him at all at this point...I just love being married, I love my home, and I love my life outside of him.

 

YIKES! *running to a councellor*

[JustBreathe]

you are describing what my marriage was like years ago. i have been married 22 years now. i will try to say this as gently as i can because i know how hurt you already are... it does not get better. it gets worse.

 

the first few years were heaven on earth. i loved him so much. then slowly as the years went by, he became more and more irritable, distant, depressed and withdrawn. in the 10th year, i asked hiim for a divorce, i had enough and my baby was 6 years old. it was a good time. i should have done it then! he cried like a baby on his hands and knees, begged for another chance. i told him it had to be different. he swore it would be. and it was.. for about 2 or 3 years...

 

then again... slowly and insidiously... it all came back... the irritability, the secret womanizing (like i couldn't tell what he was doing, i just never wanted to face it!), the angry silences, the sneers, the looks, the walking on eggshells because no matter what i did it was going to incite him to anger. but like you said, in front of other people (especially my girlfriends) he is such a charmer. all jokes and helpfulness and firtatious smiles. UNLESS i got too close to my friends, then he woudl turn mean and ugly so they wouldln't come visit me anymore.

 

i USED to be pretty. i used to be strong. i used to have a spine. i look in the mirror and don't know who i am anymore. i'm on anti-depressants, having trouble focusing at work, don't sleep properly, haven't ate anything today, my hands shake sometimes and i have a marble sized knot in my heck from tension.

 

i have been going to 12 step meetings as i have learned through therapy that alot of my co-dependency comes from being the adult child of an alcoholic abusive father. how funny. i thought being as my husband does not drink, i never connected it in my mind that he is every bit as abusive as a mean drunk. maybe it's my therapy and my 12 step work that is making me unable to cope with my abusive husband any longer. maybe this is what i need. after posting on this board, i am now going to add returning to church again to the list of things i need to help me get out and start feeling human again.

 

i know i'm writing a book here. but it helps, doesn't it, to know you're not alone. what you describe with your husband, that feeling like no matter what you say, what you do, it is wrong. that you can neither turn left nor right because it is wrong. that if you say it's a pretty day, he'll snort and say it's supposed to rain. that if you try to talk to him he will get angry. that if you don't talk to him he will get angry. if you just go on about your business and ignore him, he will pick and prod at you until he gets SOME kind of reaction. so you try to suck it up. don't say too much. amuse yourself elsewhere (for me, it's the garden), tell yourself you don't care and put a smile on your face anyway.. (while your stomach churns and you cry in the shower so the kids won't see), but how long can you take this kind of treatment? a few days? a week? a month? eventually you break and you let it all out like a great angry flood. yet it is you who winds up drowning. but it's not over...

 

THEN you're expected to apologize for "your problems", the list of which he is only to pleased to provide you with, of course he will not accept your apology because you have "hurt him". then he will be especially cruel to get even, but if you complain about his vengeful act (whatever he decides to do), then he will tell you he only did it because of your most recent "fit." if you remain angry, you are the reason the whole thing started anyway and you need to see your therapist.. or you have PMS.. or "look at your family, everyone's divorced or crazy! (like all his relatives maybe?)" etc. etc. he will only forgive you if you put on a smiley face again and accept his vengeful behavior. or if he wears you down to nothing and you are crying and sobbing and he decides to show you mercy and admit some small inadequacy of his. "well i guess i was a little stressed out", always with something attached like.."but if you hadn't... or "if you wouldn't". he is victorious at that point. knows you are weak then. he has won the game no one wanted to play in the first place. still, he will only give you affection when he wants or needs something from you (sex, most often). by then you're so starved for it, you feel so low and so beat down, you will take whatever he offers. after that you are the princess of his world... for awhile... then the whole thing starts all over again....

 

it is insidious. it is horrible. it is a soul sucking nightmare.

 

this is my cycle. this is my marriage. now. tell me about yours? maybe we can at least reassure each other that we are NOT crazy like they tell us. that we are NOT defective. that we are good people and good human beings and we deserve to be treated WELL.

[JustBreathe]

i guess i got over excited about someone actually relating to what i was saying and posted too soon!

 

i read your description and have to say that in some respects your husband is worse than mine and in some respects mine is worse than yours but they are BOTH abusive.

 

so what are we gonna do?

 

i don't see where you mention how long you've been married. if it's just a year. run do not walk to the front door and leave.

 

don't wait as long as i did. we live on dreams, girls like you, and the one i used to be, we live on what we know it COULD be like, not what it is. we love too much and expect too little in return. we live for the small glimpses of the man that lives inside the monster.

 

you say your husband has not cheated and if he had you would have the strength to leave. here i am 22 years later, having ignored all the obvious signs, only to catch him in mid-affair 3 years ago with a lady he worked with. THEN to be told about his "sexual addiction".

 

he was never faithful except for the first 4 years of our marriage. he was unfaithful for 15 years. and i never knew it. never wanted to know it.

 

but did i leave?

[FolderWife]

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!

 

yes, If I hold the grudge, and not let him in because he's been so cruel, and then he comes around wanting to play and laugh, and I do not, I get, "What's wrong with you?" If I DARE tell him, he leaves, while saying "You are such a f*ing b*ch! I HATE talking to you! All you do is whine!!"

 

Said JUST to hurt me. He wasn't in love with me, when he was sitting there talking to me, with that glint in his eyes. If he loved me (and he used to) he would've comforted me, and said things to help me through the pain, and apologized for hurting me. NOPE, it's all my fault!

 

Mind you, this wasn't our marriage a while ago. A while ago, I sat down, and cried, and told him how porn hurt me, and how I tried to get over it, and how I felt horribly controlling, because I couldn't just let him do what he wanted. He held me, and told me he loved me, and told me that he didn't need it any more.

 

Why are they SO AGAINST taking blame for their actions! He blames EVERYTHING on me. I don't have to have him actually admit that "all this hurt was my fault" but if he would just apologize for causing me pain, that would at least be something.

 

If I have a problem, it's all my fault. If he has a problem, it's all my fault. He cusses me, yells at me, breaks my things, and when I come to him telling him that he's a real jerk for treating me like that, I hear, "Well if you hadn't....." If I tell him he owes me an apology, I hear, "I'm sorry, but you should know better than to...."

 

The other day, he asked me when I was going to call someone, and I said, "I'll call them when I feel like it." I didn't say it smart, I just meant that when I got in the mood, I'd call them. He flipped me off. I was so shocked! I said, "What was that for?" he didn't answer. A minute later, he came to my room where I was, and said, "I don't want to look at your f*ing face!" and closed the door.

 

Just because I couldn't tell him when I was going to call someone.

 

Last night, we were laying in bed, and he was playing, hogging the covers, and taking my pillow, and junk like that. I told him he could keep my pillow if he wanted it, so he gave it back. I started talking about something, and he put his arm around me. It felt like he was showing me genuine affection. I started rubbing his forhead...he likes that... The next thing I know, he's trying to put his hand in places I didn't want it. I told him not to do that, and said I was close to my period. He then put my hand on his member.

 

WHAT A JERK! He treats me like poo poo on his shoe, and then when it comes time for him to get off, he wants to pretend like we are madly in love!

 

I don't THINK so. I used to always comply, because I needed the shred of attention from him, but something has changed. I guess I'm to the point that if this goes on much longer, I'm leaving!

[FolderWife]

By the way, the other day, I told him that I was scared that our marriage was going to end. I said, "I don't want to get divorced." and HE JUST SHRUGGED!!!!

 

The next day, I told him the things that I wanted if we divorced. He said, "Is that all? " I said, "Yes." He said, "Good, get them and leave." (he was smiling, and talking in a baby voice, so he was playing I guess) then I said, "See, I don't feel secure in this marriage! You act like you couldn't care less if I left or not." He said, "I just don't worry about it."

 

I told him that it would be nice if he continued to pay for my vehicle (which is in his name) and he said, "Nope, you can pay for it." I said, "Then I won't be able to afford a place to live." He said, "MOve in with mommy" I said, "Then I'd be more miserable than I am here." He said, "Are you miserable here?" I said, "Sometimes." Pretty soon after that, he was yelling that he hated talking to me, because all I do is whine.

 

I went to church, and when I got home, he acted like nothing had happened. I was feeling 300X better, since I'd just left a good service, so I wasn't huffing around like I have been.

 

A week ago, I told him that I wanted him to stop calling me names. He agreed to try. I listed all of the things that I didn't want him to do any more, and he said he'd try.

 

He did call me a b*ch last night though. *sigh* why do I bother. I think I'm just going to live like a roomate for a while, and see how that is. If he continues to be mean to me, I think I'm out.

[JustBreathe]

your husband IS a piece of work, isn't he. what he is doing is called "verbal abuse". it is every bit as hurtful as physical abuse. my husband doesn't call me names. he cheats on me.

 

i've started saving whatever money i can. i do not plan to spend the rest of my life this way. i know it's hard to make that move. i know you have to get strong. but the more longer you stay, the less strong you will feel and the harder it will be to ever leave.

 

he knows i have my own account because i told him in March and boy does he hate it. i told him it was to give me peace of mind and it was rainy day money. i didn't lie. all i've been having is rainy days!

 

the month after i told him suddenly we had all these "emergencies" which required my dipping into it quite a bit - what a coincidence, right? - anyway, i did take out the money and pay the bills, but i told him nothing would make me take money out of that account again. i told him i didn't like him opening my mail anymore. or going in my purse. i told him i need to become more independent so i would see to the maintenance on my car. he hates that too. maybe that's why he's been so especially horrid. i have read that when you start standing up for yourself, the abuser will often get more abusive.

 

anyway. you HAVE to get to work on a plan. what if he decides to put you out one day when he gets angry?

 

also. if you're legally married and leave him and file for divorce, he may not GET the car even if it's in his name. where i live, everything you accumulate while you are together is considered joint property. you can find info on the net about all this stuff.

 

i guess what i am saying is, strap on the guns and get ready for war. i have a feeling we are both in for a bloody battle once we make our move. but can we bleed any more than we already have? aren't we war veterans of a sort already? personally, i've been bled dry.

 

i'm glad i have you to talk to today. it's been so hard being here at work (not that i have done a lick of work today). my eyes are like two red onions, swollen and burning from getting up at 4 a.m. and crying so much.

[FolderWife]

Yep, he's verbally, and emotionally abusive. I wonder if he even realizes it though I try to tell him things he does that hurt me, and he acts like he genuinely thinks he's done nothing wrong. He gets mad if I press the issue, because I'm "whining".

 

I don't know what got into me yesterday...listen to this:

 

He was at his uncles when I got home, so I thought, "Oh, I'll cook him dinner!" Mind you, I was/am fuming angry at him right now, and nothing he can do will make me feel better. I hurridly did the dishes, made the bed, folded the laundry, and had dinner ready just as he walked through the door.

 

I don't know what got into me usually, I'll go on strike when I get mad at him. We actually had a boat load of food from KFC that he'd planned on munching when he got home. He came home in a good mood, but of course pretty soon after the good mood, he said, "I told you we were going to eat the food we had already." I just said, "I know" because I didn't care what he wanted to say...I wanted to cook him a meal. He said, "Why did you waste food?" I said, "I didn't...we can eat leftovers tomorrow." That was all that was said.

 

I'm sick of backing down every time he wants to make a snide remark. I'm tired of doing things I'm not in the mood to do (like folding laundry) because I'm afraid he'll get mad. I am an ADULT. If I want to do something, or don't want to do something, I shouldn't have to be afraid.

 

This is sickening!!!

 

Yesterday, I went to pump gas, and some car had pulled in so far, that they were blocking both pumps. I sat there, gritting my teeth, and saw a little boy, probably 12 years old in the car, and an older boy around 15 in the back seat. They were laughing and talking. Then I saw the driver of the car come out. It was a boy around 15 or 16. He reach through the driver's side window to get some more money, and kind of shoved the 12 year old to get out of his way. The 12 year old boy didn't pay any attention, and continued to laugh and talk to the boy in the back seat.

 

I then saw the 12 year old answer a cell phone. Just then, the 16 year old walked out of the gas station, and the 12 year old held up the phone, and said it was for him. The 16 year old yelled, "Who is it?" the 12 year old shrugged. Then, the 16 year old yelled, "WHY DID YOU ANSWER IT!!!!" and he looked really mad. The 12 year old said, "I thought it was mom!" the 16 year old started yelling, and he had this mean look on his face. He jumped into the car, and grabbed the phone out of the boy's hand, and started talking on it. The 12 year old wasn't smiling any more.

 

I wanted to run over that 16 year old so bad. I wanted to start screaming at him the way he was screaming like an abusive idiot at his brother.

 

See, my husband had a brother that was 2 years younger than him. They hated each other. All they did was fight. There is this story that his cousins tell about my husband throwing a rock, and hitting his brother in the back of the head! I asked my husband why he would do something like that, and he said, "He shouldn't have smarted off to me."

 

My husband thinks he has a right to physically punish someone for smarting off to him. He thinks he has a right to say any mean thing he wants, and no one is allowed to back talk him.

 

But he doesn't see it!!! You want to know WHY I know he doesn't see it.

 

Because I used to be the EXACT SAME WAY!!! I had a little sister. She'd do things, and I'd yell at her, over it. My mom never allowed us to call each other names, so there was no name calling. I was the oldest, and if I got angry at her for something (even if it was a little nothing thing) I'd yell at her, just like this aweful big brother 16 year old did his little brother.

 

My husband was the oldest too. We both were used to talking to our siblings any old way, and getting by with it. I didn't even see how badly I abused my little sister, until I married my husband.

 

My husband was allowed to talk to his brother any old way. He was allowed to physically hurt him. He wasn't raised to know any better.

 

His mom left him and his dad and brother when he was 12. Any mention of his mom by his family brings him to tears!

 

My husband doesn't speak to his dad, brother, or mom. He hates all of them. I still don't know what the falling out with his dad was over....no one knows. He won't tell ANYONE, even me!

 

It is obvious that my husband was abused by his mom when he was a little boy. His little sister is in the states custoday, because her mom beat on her.

 

It's apparent that my husband grew up thinking he can treat people (his brother) any way he likes, and it's ok. He probably doesn't even think it's wrong. He just doesn't see how he hurts me. He thinks if I'm upset by something, then I'm just being a whiny baby.

 

I can't possibly understand how he can be so blind sometimes, but I honestly didn't see how badly I treated my sister (and even my mom sometimes) until I started getting verbal abuse from my husband. Even if I leave him, he won't see that it was his fault.

 

He just doesn't see how he hurts me. He needs to have some big bully down talk to him for a year, and then he might get it!

[JustBreathe]

abuse is a cycle, Monday. if we grow up with it, we are used to it. it feels normal to us. it's not your fault you abused your sister, your parents abused you. you abused your sister. people in your family were abusive to each other. you were mimicking behavior that was being taught to you.

 

you can change. you don't have to live with abuse any longer. you can decide you are done with abuse and abusive behaviors and you can work on yourself. the cycle can be broken. it will take time to undo what has been done to you but you can do it. if you fail, get up and try again and keep trying. i urge you to consider 12 step meetings and to get some self-help books on abuse and how to stop being abuse and stop taking someone else's abuse. i read books on co-dependence written by melanie beattie.

 

people like you and me who grow up with emotional and verbal abuse (also physical in my case), marry abusers or become abusers ourselves because that is what feels normal to us. we haven't learned what a real supportive loving relationship is. we think loving someone is taking their abuse OR we think that if someone loves us they should take our abuse. we react to abuse or we are abusers ourselves. we have to learn to detach ourselves and just relax.

 

it helps me to visualize it as "whirlwinds". my H and his chaos is one whirlwind. my alcoholic father and his chaos is another whirlwind. my sister and her chaos is a third whirlwind. all of these people i love. but i can choose whether to get caught up in their whirlwind or not. i can sit in the middle and let them swirl and spin around me without it touching me or i can choose to enter into one of the whirlwinds and get caught up in it. if i don't want to go into the whirlwind and they come after me and drag me in it, i can choose to wrench myself free of them and have nothing to do with them until and unless they respect my boundaries and my decision to live a peaceful life.

 

the choice is yours. you can choose to get caught up in eveyone's cycles or you can choose to sit outside of it and work on your own emotional problems.

 

what you saw with those two boys is probably what goes on in their household all the time. they will grow up and do that to their wives and their kids. all that is learned behavior. if you have kids with your husband and he does not stop abusing you, then your kids will grow up that way also.

 

my eldest had depression issues and had drug issues but has gotten over things since he left home and joined the military. i still worry about him alot, but he seems so happy now. so different than he was at home.

 

my two youngest are faring better because while my husband is still a jerk, he is at least a decent father to them. he was a terrible father to our eldest. still, i see they are sometimes left to their own because he is too wrapped up in his mental circles to give them much of his time. but at least he does not verbally abuse them like he did our eldest. at least he is not so demanding with them like he was with our eldest. he pushed our son to the breaking point. at least he does hug my younger ones and tell them he loves them once in a while. he never did that with our eldest. he takes them shopping for their clothes. i always had to do that before. he doesn't call them names or hit them. he lets them have friends over. he has changed alot in the "dad" department. when my H starts stomping and snorting around, i try to be an example of how to handle a psycho dad. i try not to react. i try to detach and go in my room and read or watch television or go out in my garden. i invite them to watch t.v. with me, or help me in the garden. i show them not with words but with my actions that you don't have to react when a person is angry. my h will sometimes sit on the couch pissed off looking. we just go on about our business.

 

i am attempting to mend my relationship with my eldest and in many ways we understand each other better than ever. i was so wrapped up with my H and his crap i ignored my son's needs. i always went with whatever my H wanted. what a fool. i will always feel bad about it, but i am doing what i can to make up for it now. we talk on the phone for hours. he is stationed in Hawaii. i love him to pieces. he is my soul. i do not malign his father to him, say bad things about his dad to him, but i have apologized to him for not being there for him in ways i should have been. he tells me he understands. he also says he bears no grudge against his father, that he had a good father who was tough on him sometimes. but i wonder about that because he doesn't talk to him much when he calls home. hey, but that' s not my problem. that's my husband's choice to fix his relationship with his son or not. it wasn't my H's fault i neglected my eldest. that was my choice. i bear full responsibilitiy for that and will always regret it.

 

if he treated my other two the way he treated our eldest, i would have no reason at all to even try anymore. as it is, i will probably ask him to leave anyway as i am just plain fatigued by this whole relationship. i need to work on myself without his mental chaos making things difficult.

 

blah blah. what a book i wrote! anyway. i just wanted to say it's a cycle. don't blame yourself. you have to stop living in that cycle, that's all.