NC was fine til I had to REALLY face it

[kareena]

Some of you might have read my previous posts,for those who didn't here's a quick background. MM and I had been together for a year,I felt too attached to him but ended up not buying his stories and starting realizing that he will never be with me.

 

After posting here,many wonderful people offered me some great advice so I took it.I called him and ended things but although I was pretty sure of my decision his reaction really bothered me..it was something along the lines of:" I just want to make it clear to you that I did not use you in anyway,you walked into this relationship willingly and if being away from me is what makes you happy then I will never bother you again".So after that what I did was pack my stuff and leave town.

 

I haven't been working lately anyway so I thought I might as well go and stay with my parents for a while.It was really nice to be back home and it made NC easier,Surely I was quite depressed and everyone noticed but after the first week I was feeling much better,I even started painting again and geared my anger and sadness towards productive things.Of course I kept on checking my cell phone and email obsessively and I would get so angry that he's not even trying!!But eventually I just kinda made peace with it..I was hurt,I was angry,I was bitter,but I was OK.

 

I stayed with my parents for over a month,then naturally it was time to get back to my life.I said goodbye to my family thinking "wow this is great I'm doing really well!!" and the minute I got to my place and unlocked the door this storm of feelings blew up in my face.Everything in my house reminds me of him,I just started crying I missed him so much and I felt so angry,I can't even be comfortable in my own house!! I felt like he was still there.It only took a few days of feeling this way for me to break my own rules and contact him.His reaction was that he needs time to think about whether he can trust me again or not because he feels that I'm not "committed" to this relationship!!I feel like all the progress I did went down the drain,it was all fake! I was fooling myself,I am depressed and I don't know what to do.I feel so stupid for ever putting myself in that situation,and now I'm stupid enough to do it again! He is BAD for me I know it,I realize it,I see it but I just don't know how to be away.

[sayitasitis]

Kareena, I'm sorry you feel this way. It hurts and I know how it is like to be back to where it all began when you thought you were doing so well.

 

Do you want him back if he comes back and says he believes you'll be committed? Is that what you think you would want?

 

It's the belief that time will help that I know will get me there. I hope you reach there too.

[qqqttt]

It's the belief that time will help that I know will get me there. I hope you reach there too.

 

I definitely agree with this. You will always have those weak moments where you think it's a lost cause. I find that right before bed and waking up from dreams about him are the worst.

 

It really does help to be positive. You need to wholeheartedly believe that it will work out. This helps you both be happier and it will 95% of the time resist contacting him.

 

There will be a point where you may have to let him go, but this point will be completely up to you. I have a friend who had to wait five horrible months of no contact mixed with hot and cold behavior. Sometimes "letting go" actually helps you get to your goal of getting him back.

 

People say dating other people helps the situation, but in your situation where he doesn't believe you're commited and that he doesn't trust you, I would defintely say not to date. That's not to say you can't go meet new friends, male and female. This actually really helps confidence.

 

It will also further lessen your depression. When you're out with friends, you tend to either talk to them about the relationship (which mostly helps) or have lots of fun (takes your mind off of it).

 

Sorry that this is so long. I hope I helped at least a little bit!

[alexandria35]

Kareena, the problem is that there is no way around the pain. I don't think you really want to be in an affair or to be the OW, I think you just want to escape the hurt and pain you are in right now.

 

Ending a relationship hurts! sometimes it hurts really bad and for longer than we expect. What helps most people get through that pain is the belief that there is a better life out there. I read your previous posts and it seemed that you didn't like being in an affair, you wanted him to leave his wife and be with you. He went from making it sound like it was going to happen very soon to saying that it was going to take at least another year or two. This knowledge was painful for you but maybe not as painful as the breakup. What you have to ask yourself is, do want the endless daily pain of being in a hidden secret relationship that may go on for who knows how many years or do you want to bite the bullet and face the greater pain of ending the relationship, which will hurt more right now, but will eventually make the pain stop altogether?

 

You were at peace with your decision to end while you were away with your family and I think you believed that you were going to be able to bypass the hurt of ending and now that the hurt has come you mistakenly believe that you made the wrong decision. Emotional pain really isn't all that different from physical pain when you think about it. Sometimes people have to go through very painful operations and procedures to put an end to ongoing problems. Imagine someone with a bad knee that causes them pain and limits their quality of life. The doctor tells them they need knee replacement surgery which is very painful and takes a while to recover from. Initially the surgery and recovery is probably much worse than the pain the patient was living with before but they go through that pain because ultimately they know this is the only way to reach their goal of having NO pain. Break ups hurt! there is no way around that but it's the only way out of a painful relationship.

 

What is the status of things right now with the MM? Sounds like now you are waiting for him to decide if he is going to "let you" be his OW or not. See that's the problem with going back. Now you feel grateful to be back to the status quo, which just a couple of months ago you knew wasn't good enough for you. Going back, especially in the midst of the pain of breaking up, makes you weaker because it makes you more willing to accept what should be unacceptable. And because getting back together relieves the hurt of the break up, it gives you the mistaken belief that you need this person to be happy, which of course isn't true, it's just a trick your mind plays on you when you want to avoid pain.

[SBC]

Welcome to Stage 2. I remember it well.

 

You think, OK, I am over it, everything will be fine from here on out. But, I the human brain only takes in what it can handle and process without overheating.

 

So, you dealt with the rawest pain by leaving and going around other people. This is good.

 

Now your brain is ready to deal with more pain --the pain of facing this alone. But you will get through it.

 

You burnt yourself again by calling him, but that is OK. In fact, it is probably a good thing. Re-confirmation.

 

Make some changes around the place to smudge his memory. Change the pain, or move some furniture. Keep busy. Listen to some music.

 

Whatever you do, keep moving forward.

 

YOU ROCK!

[goldengirl86]

Did he seriously question your commitment and whether he can trust you! BY the sounds of it he wants the power back, dont give it too him! your way to good for him and you deserve better, but yeah does not help to hear that i know!

good luck

[kareena]

 

Do you want him back if he comes back and says he believes you'll be committed? Is that what you think you would want?

.

 

The thing is I don't know! I'm so confused,I know that I shouldn't be with him but I'm finding it so hard to be without him!!

[kareena]

 

What is the status of things right now with the MM? Sounds like now you are waiting for him to decide if he is going to "let you" be his OW or not..

 

Thank you for you'r reply, this is pretty much the situation..pretty pathetic I know! I really wish I never met him this whole thing is driving me crazy!!

[kareena]

Did he seriously question your commitment and whether he can trust you! BY the sounds of it he wants the power back, dont give it too him! your way to good for him and you deserve better, but yeah does not help to hear that i know!

good luck

 

His justification for what he said was that he needs to know that I'm 100% on board if he is to consider making "life changing" decisions in the future.You are right goldengirl,he does want the power back..I didn't think of it that way.Thank you

[kareena]

 

Make some changes around the place to smudge his memory. Change the pain, or move some furniture. Keep busy. Listen to some music.

 

 

Do you think this would really help? I will give it a shot Thank you.

[kareena]

 

Sorry that this is so long. I hope I helped at least a little bit!

 

It's not long at all..and yes I found you'r reply very helpful Thank you.

[kareena]

I would like to thank you all for taking the time to reply,you're amazing.. <3

[SunsetRed]

His justification for what he said was that he needs to know that I'm 100% on board if he is to consider making "life changing" decisions in the future.You are right goldengirl,he does want the power back..I didn't think of it that way.Thank you

 

 

Wow, I've said it before and I'll say it again...these MM's really ARE all alike. The exact same BS comes out of every last one of them.

 

My xMM said that to me too..."I need to know if you're 100% on board before I alter my entire life just because of you" What an oxymoron..a man in a marriage challenging a struggling single woman about her level of commitment.

 

He was always questioning my level of commitment to HIM, when he was the one who couldnt acknowledge me in public.

 

My xMM had also stated that he needed to be the #1 priority in my life. He should come before my career, my continuing ed classes, my hobbies. I was to arrange my hectic work schedule around HIM. I would also have to realize that I was a priority AFTER he cared for his kids and "their mother."

 

How can I make someone a priority when all I am to them is an afterthought and a secret pleasure they keep hidden?

 

It never would have worked no matter what I did and I'm thankful for the years of life experience I have that helped me preserve my livlihood and dignity.

 

I still hurt like hell, otherwise I wouldnt still be on this board. But I am slowly putting this behind me and am moving on.

 

Good luck to you as well. Tell yourself and your MM that you will never ever be 100% on board with him until he has divorce papers. Even then, he has to earn the right for you to be 100% on board and that means not acting like a d$%khead.

[kareena]

Let's make one thing perfectly clear - this little weasel doesn't need YOU "on board" in order to man up and leave a marriage he CLAIMS is bad (I'd love to hear the wife's version of their marriage - somehow, I'm willing to bet the farm it doesn't match his). What kind of a little sissy has to have some woman on the side acting as his safety net before he'll make a life decision? What a snake.

 

Next time Kareena, aim for a MAN and not a lying little sissy boy.

 

He says that although things are really bad between them he would have never even thought of leaving her because of the kids,that's why he want's to make sure that i'm "IN" (whatever that means!) because otherwise he wouldn't

[jj33]

His reaction was that he needs time to think about whether he can trust me again or not because he feels that I'm not "committed" to this relationship!!

 

You are not committed to the relationship? OMG There are no words.

 

I know you love this man but he is a manipulative POS.

 

He is trying to punish you for even thinking of wanting more for yourself than being the OW.

 

He is grooming you for the idea that you are oh so lucky (lucky lucky you:sick:) to share his time while he is married to another woman and fits you in as and when his schedule allows.

 

Lucky that he is willing to break his sacred vows of marriage for you.

 

Honey wake up and smell the coffee.

 

He has this ALL wrong.

 

he is luckier than a euromillions lottery winner that you ever gave him, a married man, the time of day.

 

Lucky that after going home with his parents you came back and missed him for even a nanosecond.

 

Lucky that you broke your own code (a very important issue that makes the pain worse because going against our own values always comes back to bite us) and called him

 

So what do we conclude from this?

 

If he was worthy in any way shape or form of your attentions he would hav thanked God that you contacted him and told you how much he missed you.

 

But be thankful that he didnt because it shows you what kind of a passive agressive manipulative person he is.

 

Be prepared. he will be in touch. he will weigh the situation like the God that he thinks he is and when an appropriate amount of time has passed he will let you know that you lucky lucky girl he may just allow you to see him again.

 

Dont fall for the bait. He has already shown you who he is and what his game is. He thinks he is the prize. What a pitifully confused man he is.

 

Hang in there. It does get easier but its much harder when you keep in touch with him. You have to get through the pain and let the embers die. In my experience every time I speak to him it set me back, regardless of how much time had passed. I may always have feelings for him in some part of my twisted brain, but I am far happier when I bury them and am not in contact with him.

[SunsetRed]

I had read the book How To Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce during the part of my relationship when I actually beleived the divorce was a possibility.

 

In the book the author describes how a woman dating a separated, not divorced man should NEVER be 100% on board anyway. It's wise to assume that the relationship may not work out and to hold part of yourself back.

 

Why sacrifice your heart, soul and everything you have for a man that doenst have the balls to make a firm decision about which way he wants to go.

[missjones]

They really do all sound the same! my XMM has more or less said the same thing to me in the past..that he needs my 'support' and to know that I'm onboard if he's going to do it (walk away from his wife and child)..

 

Because I'm still not over him, there is still about 5% of brain that agrees with what he is saying and if what we were going to have was a true 'partnership' then maybe I should have supported him and not displayed my annoyance and disappointment towards him for not following through on what he kept saying he was going to do..

 

But then I think - well I gave him over a year of my live, making it very clear that I was willing to give him anything and everything. I now think that if he wants to be with me - then he'll have to come back - crawling - with his divorce papers in hand to prove to me that he is 'committed'.

 

Keep strong Kareena. Don't give him the power.

[jnj express]

Hey K.---I am curious---why would you REALLY, think he is gonna leave his wife for you????

 

You are not looking at his reality!!!!!---His reality, is that he will get murdered financially, his kids may end up hating him, and if he did end up with you---he basically, due to support payments, would end up being responsible for 2 households----do you really think he in all REALITY wants to face that

 

Isn't it really easier for him, to just string you along with all his lies,---for in all REALITY, he is nothing but a LIAR

 

He is lying to you, he is lying to his wife, he is lying to his kids---and he does it so easily----and let's say you do end up with him, he already knows how to cheat---what happens when he gets bored with you

 

You don't seem to realize, or maybe you do---you and he are not facing everyday life, you 2 are in disneyland, with no real life responsibilities---this guy, by his actions, proves he can't stay true---what makes you thionk he would stay true to you----

 

Are you REALLY telling me, there is not ONE DECENT, male, out there, that you can date, and end up in a relationship with---

 

Right now, all you have with your scum lover, whether you wanna admit it or not---is MISERY, for isn't misery coming out of you, in every one of your posts.

 

Maybe dating single guys, won't be so great, but at least it won't be the same kind of frustrating misery----It's time for you to wake up, and start to treat YOU, YOURSELF WITH SOME RESPECT!!!!!!!

[kareena]

Thank You all,he has called me asking to see me to talk about everything.I told him that I didn't think it was a very good idea,he got very angry and started saying that I was the one who called him in the first place(true) and that this is exactly why he doesn't trust me anymore.

 

I want to see him but I won't because I know that if I see him I we will end up having sex and although I really want to (because I miss him and love him deeply) I know that it would be very bad for me so I don't want that..I'm very conflicted its like my heart and mind are in a constant battle..oh well,I hope I'm doing the right thing..but I really do miss him like crazy

[SBC]

why don't you just see him, and keep seeing him until you are so fed up with being hurt that you finally walk away, not because you "think" it will be better for you, but because you will know it is.

 

As long as you are missing him like crazy, you might as well keep seeing him, because even if you are not physically together, he is taking up so much space in your head, you might as well be.

 

I know this sounds nasty and wrong, but it is where I am and it is working for me, maybe it would for you too.

[NoIDidn't]

Awesome post!!!

 

Re-read, Kareena!

 

This guy is going to say whatever he has to say to you to get you back in second place to HIS will. Do all that you can to stay away from him. Its harder to break away the second, third, and so on time.

 

You are not committed to the relationship? OMG There are no words.

 

I know you love this man but he is a manipulative POS.

 

He is trying to punish you for even thinking of wanting more for yourself than being the OW.

 

He is grooming you for the idea that you are oh so lucky (lucky lucky you:sick:) to share his time while he is married to another woman and fits you in as and when his schedule allows.

 

Lucky that he is willing to break his sacred vows of marriage for you.

 

Honey wake up and smell the coffee.

 

He has this ALL wrong.

 

he is luckier than a euromillions lottery winner that you ever gave him, a married man, the time of day.

 

Lucky that after going home with his parents you came back and missed him for even a nanosecond.

 

Lucky that you broke your own code (a very important issue that makes the pain worse because going against our own values always comes back to bite us) and called him

 

So what do we conclude from this?

 

If he was worthy in any way shape or form of your attentions he would hav thanked God that you contacted him and told you how much he missed you.

 

But be thankful that he didnt because it shows you what kind of a passive agressive manipulative person he is.

 

Be prepared. he will be in touch. he will weigh the situation like the God that he thinks he is and when an appropriate amount of time has passed he will let you know that you lucky lucky girl he may just allow you to see him again.

 

Dont fall for the bait. He has already shown you who he is and what his game is. He thinks he is the prize. What a pitifully confused man he is.

 

Hang in there. It does get easier but its much harder when you keep in touch with him. You have to get through the pain and let the embers die. In my experience every time I speak to him it set me back, regardless of how much time had passed. I may always have feelings for him in some part of my twisted brain, but I am far happier when I bury them and am not in contact with him.

[jj33]

Thank You all,he has called me asking to see me to talk about everything.I told him that I didn't think it was a very good idea,he got very angry and started saying that I was the one who called him in the first place(true) and that this is exactly why he doesn't trust me anymore.

 

I want to see him but I won't because I know that if I see him I we will end up having sex and although I really want to (because I miss him and love him deeply) I know that it would be very bad for me so I don't want that..I'm very conflicted its like my heart and mind are in a constant battle..oh well,I hope I'm doing the right thing..but I really do miss him like crazy

 

Kareena it makes sense that he was upset but angry? Ask yourself why that is attractive to you. Is it the drama? Have you convinced yourself that this is passion?

 

Hes questioning YOUR committment to a relationship that he is only committed to on a part time basis and then he is getting angry with you when you weigh his reaction and decide you are better off not seeing him?

 

How did he treat you during the relationship?

 

Was he dismissive of your needs? Always expecting you to understand that he couldnt meet those needs because he was married?

 

Did he get angry with you when you didnt go along with his program?

 

Take this opportunity to really look at the relationship. Sometimes we see things in a better light than they deserve to be seen. When someone is unavailable its easy to look at bad behavior and say well if he was not married, it would be different...

 

That can cause us to overlook fundamental personality traits or patterns of behavior and attribute them to the situation.

 

Some limitations are due to the situatiion, But reacting with anger rather than disappointment or sadness is a personality trait. Do you really want to be with someone who is angry and controlling?

 

Obviously I dont know you and I dont know him but reinforcing this very very bad behavior is not a good idea.

 

If you do love him and you do hope for some sort of future with him, however remote that may be, you need to start setting real boundaries now and rather than reinforcing the idea that he will get his way when he lashes out in anger.

 

Ask yourself, if he was single, would you allow this behavior? And if you would, why would you react well to being treated badly.

 

IMHO he needs to apologize in a real way before you should even consider seeing him.

 

And as i predicted he is back, ready to talk things through with you and explain to you that he is married and it is his way or the highway and that you are lucky lucky lucky that he is willing to give you another chance...

 

I know its difficult and you may decide to see him but the outcome is predictable. People end relationships when they are ready. Many people end up going back before they end it. sometimes the MM get with the program but most times they dont but whether they do or they dont is never dependent on whether the OW took sh*t from them and typically there is an inverse corrolation.