I want to get off this rollercoaster

[Riseabove]

Hi fellow LS people! I just need to vent. Got nobody to talk to about it:( Everyone just says "get over it".

 

Maybe I´ll post my story someday but its just to long and complicated for me right now to be able to write it down. Besides, some of the important details are so specific that if anyone I know reads it they will know who I am. Paranoid, yes. I dont care. My ex reads forums like these sometimes, and I just dont want her to know that I am sobbing online about her.

 

My ex-gf broke up with me 4 months ago. We are both in our mid-thirties and we were together for one year. I know its not that long but none of us had ever experienced love like this before, and we had both been in a few serious relationships before. We were head over heels in love and there was no doubt whatsoever that we were spending the rest of our lives together.

 

But, we did not break up because of infidelity or anything that would make us enemies. There were just a lot of unfortunate circumstances that we had no control over, like disease, death, her crazy ex-bf +++.

 

We stayed in contact the first month, mostly her, not much but some phone calls and some sms´s. She called me, told me she missed me, did not want to end our relationship on FB etc. After one month it was getting so confusing to me that I told her I needed to go NC and and that I needed to end our relationship on FB. Stupid FB!

 

Since then I have only sent her one sms a couple of weeks ago just asking if she had found a place to stay and that I hoped everything was well. She answered, but she has not engaged any contact. Hell, why would she. I was the one that wanted NC.

 

Missing her comes and goes in waves. Right now I feel so horrible its almost impossible to describe:( Im fighting the tears and think of her more or less constantly. I have started dreaming that she´s coming back to me and the dreams are so vivid that I actually believe that we are together for a second when I wake up.

 

Some days the realistic part of me understands that the relationship was probably no good in the long run, and that we wanted slightly different things for the future, but most of the time I just miss her like crazy. I really, really, really miss her personality. And because there were no bad blood between us, just sadness because of the break up, it just makes it a thousand times harder. I have never experienced a break up as bad as this.

 

It feels as if my best friend has died. Because its to painful for me to see her, and I know that she will have to find someone new very soon if she is going to be able to have another child. I know for a fact that she is trying to hook up with a guy that she kind of compared me to during our relationship. Sadly I seem to have a sixth sense for these things and I kind of suspected that it would happen sooner or later.

 

I go from angry to sad, back and forth. Today I want to send her an sms, e-mail or call her, but I dont, because everyone says not to. I know that nothing good will come out of it. And, to be honest, I probably don´t want a relationship with her, at least not on the terms she set before she left. I know the feeling of exhaustion, and the feeling of feeling not good enough for her that I felt so strongly in the end.

 

Im just really feeling down today and I hope that this pain will someday go away. Because my life right now is not a very good one. I am actually not sure if I´ll ever be able to stop loving her. To find someone that I will love as much as her. I love her as much today as I did when we were together.

 

I´ve just lost so much self-esteem after the break up that the thought of other women just makes me cringe. I have no problems meeting women, its just that none of them will be her. It would not be fair of me to date anyone right now either.

 

Im also extremely pissed of because of a lot of things. I gave everything I had and it was not enough for her. Sorry for the incoherent rant but Im just very confused right now.

[smudge21]

Mate, your story sounds so familiar, especially in the way you both broke up, stayed friends and it was you who ended it because you needed to. I'm the same. We're still friends and it's me who's enforcing NC. I know full well I could talk to her at anytime, even see her as she'd be more than happy to have me back in her life... but only as a friend (she's engaged right now anyway). So like you, it's not only the pain of being NC, but the fact we have to force NC and force ourselves to stay away from the ones we love the most. I sometimes wish that there had been some hate between us, but there never was. I too miss her friendship aswell as everything else... in fact, I miss just her company the most.

 

Trust me, from someone going through this, do not break NC. No matter how tempting it can be. I've done it. She's done it many times. Each time it's bitter sweet as reality sets in and once again I'm reminded of the girl I want so much but can never have. I only have to see that engagement ring to realize that. The pain that follows is so terrible. Even now, after some issues with a mutual friend last week, I am in bad shape thinking about her and what happened. Going through all those usual "what if" thoughts. Totally pointless - I have no Delorean to go back in time with, and even if I did, with today's gas prices the chances of getting to 88mph would be too costly.

 

Acceptance is the hardest part of a break up as no matter what we do to make ourselves better, no matter what others tell us, or indeed no matter what we read on these great forums, actually accepting that the one we loved is no longer with us and never will be, is the hardest thing in the world. No one can help you with that as it's something you have to deal with on your own and in your own time. I have seen my ex since January but we have spoken and texted since I said goodbye in March. All that time and still some days I can be fine, others (like right now) I feel like just giving up. I'm not a suicidal person, never will be, but I can truly understand how these feelings of desperation could easily cause someone to think that's an easy option. Hell, it is an easy option as it does remove all feelings I suppose. The trouble is one little fact that I keep reminding myself of:

 

About 8 years ago I loved someone equally as love my ex now. This girl was everything to me and I wanted her more than anything. It ended before it's time (similar to my current, hence why I feel so cheated) and we tried the friends thing, but it didn't work. I went through hell with her, even to the point of losing friends and the chance with another girl who looking back, would've been great. Yep, I pretty much screwed my life up for a good year over this one person, thinking that I'd never love ever again... Yet, here I am, many years later. This beautiful intelligent witty girl comes into my life and we hit it off. Yeah, okay, I'm suffering because it didn't work out, but to take the positive out of all this: I did find love again. That's why I know I will find it again with someone new, but only when I'm ready. Same for you too.

 

I know the thought of someone else is scary as you're still so attached to your ex, but once you heal, things will seem clearer. For me, the thought of my current ex meaning nothing to me, just a memory, well, that scares me. I don't want that to happen; I still have these stupid hopes that she'll come back. I can't force out those feelings so all I do is try to get by them. I know only time will heal me, time and no contact of course.

 

Stay focused and keep posting on here. Giving advice to others is helpful too - seems to work for me. Odd how I can be so screwed up yet feel okay to help others... weird.

 

Just remember, you're not alone and things do always get better. It's just life; you have to have the bad times to appreciate the good.

[Riseabove]

Thanks for taking your time to respond smudge21:) English is my second language so I type slow and with a lot of mistakes. Bear with me. Just in case you misunderstood; She broke up with me, but I told her that our contact had to end. It was just hard for me to read if that was how you interpreted what I wrote:)

 

I´m sorry you are going through the same thing. It seems to be a little longer since you broke up though, so maybe the chances of healing is closer in your future for you then. Although, mathematics probably have little to do with this;)

 

We know it will go away someday, its just so damn hard to be patient. I also wish sometimes that she cheated on me or did anything like that because then it would be no problem.

 

I thought I found love before, and like you, I was pleasantly surprised when I met my ex-gf. Never thought in a million years that I would meet someone like her. The thing for me is that after meeting her I realised there was a difference in "love" and "love". I realised I had loved before, but never loved anyone like her and she felt like my last stop in life. So, somewhere in the back of my head I know its possible, its just going to be damn hard.

 

I actually believe I would feel better if she just found someone new. Sure, it will be a blow in the face when it happens, but I think it will be easier to realize that it was not meant to be us and move on. Right now, I still hope for that microscopic chance of a reconciliation, even though I stupidly enough dont know if I really want to reconcile.

 

Luckily Im not suicidal either, but my life has never had less importance than right now. Im at an age where several things change. Friends marry, get children, its just different to be fresh single at 36 than it was when i was 25. Friends dont have as much time as before, and when I do meet them I dont want to spend all the time complaining. So I keep quiet. Im kinda hoping to "fake it till you make it".

 

Maybe it helps to give advice. Maybe I could do that, but somehow it does not feel right as long as I´m not able to follow it myself. I may be harsh on myself because I know I dont do a lot of mistakes. Like, I have never begged, I dont peek at her fb etc. But I just cant seem to feel happy. Im doing NC, I work out, I eat healthy, I get some sleep, but it just dont help much. As a minor f***** annoying detail I have a stressrelated tinnitus that gets a lot of nutrition nowadays because of the break-up. Its so bad at times that its easier for me to be alone. I really want to be social and go out meeting people but its to painful most days.

 

But it feels a little bit better now, just writing here, and spilling my guts. Strange thing.

[bbronco]

"Get over him" and "Move on" are the same resonating comments my friends make as well. They all deserve thank you cards for dealing with my depressed moping state for so many months...and still going! LS welcomes you though!

 

Smudge21 is spot on...such motivating advice but so hard to follow :/ It's hard when the thought of someone else cuddling with you or holding you that isn't your ex turns you completely off, and it's hard when you're out with friends and completely disinterested in giving anyone new the time of day. It's almost like we're preserving ourselves in this self-inflicted suffering state, holding the torch on our own, and staying committed with our hopes and interests with only this one person...and they don't appreciate any of it.

 

None of us want to be on this roller coaster ride but I know for me, I keep thinking that as long as he knows the hurt is still fresh, that my feelings are as strong as ever he'll stop being so resistant and welcome the relationship again. Instead, I get mixed messages and confusion.

 

It's almost like until the ex completely cuts you off clean with an adamant statement of "It'll never work for us"...the half assed messages of missing you and wanting you without actually reciprocating anything keeps you in a tortured state of hope.

 

I pretty much tell myself now, if he hasn't bothered to reach out then why should I cave? I need to be just as strong-willed!

[Riseabove]

bbronco:

 

Regarding breadcrumbs from ex´s I have given this a lot of thought when in NC with my ex. I have been reading LS posts since august and there seems to be a lot of resentment towards the ex-gf´s because of breadcrumbs and the disapointment they produce. So I started thinking of how I treated my ex-ex-gf that I broke up with. I truly cared for her but we were not right for each other, at least I thought so. Because of that I felt I owed her apologies. So I sent her sms´s asking if she was ok after the BU, I met her and apologised for breaking her heart. Even invited her for dinner. It did not cross my mind that I probably hurt her more by doing those things.

 

If I knew then what I know today I would have left her alone. I did it for selfish reasons, I just did not realize then. So even if I sometimes get pissed because my ex never contacts me I probably should be thankful that she stays away.

 

Even if I dont agree, and even can get angry, with some of the reasons my latest ex gave me for breaking up with me, I actually don´t believe she said any of those things to hurt me. It was just her feelings, and I can not tell her not to have them. That is why it would have been easier if it was a horrible break-up including infidelity or other serious issues.

 

Sadly, I think the only thing you can do is wait, if you want reconciliation. Or t least try to move on in the meantime. If it happens it happens.

[bbronco]

RiseAbove, I think you're the guy version of me in our breakups

 

I broke up with my ex and thereafter dished out the apologies, check-ups, discussions over dinner...except I think I'm left hurting after all my outreach. The only difference is although you reflected later on how much hurt you were causing, my ex knows that's he's hurting me and ultimately I think it overwhelms him (even though he's the cause and resolution to it) and he opts for avoidance.

 

Nasty breakups always seem like the best option. I know with my ex ex, I hated him after the break-up and it was so easy to let go then. We're actually good friends now and can reflect and laugh about how much of a jerk he was. But when it's tearful and due to bad timing or just a stressful time in life that hurts the relationship...it's impossible to shake the feeling of how much you still love them. That over trivial things that built up, and when you felt like breaking up was the best thing to do at that moment...you realize you'd rather have pushed through it instead of letting the person go to have them do it on their own.

[Riseabove]

I just have to laugh a little because I actually thought for a millisecond a few days ago that I should apologise to her for apologising. But how stupid would not that be;) The thruth is just that I care deeply for her.

 

Luckily I am friends with that ex now. Im actually friends with most of my ex´es now. But its not like I meet them all the time. But I have no trouble seeing them once in a while. I hope it gets like that some time with my latest ex. but in my experience it usually takes quite a few years.