Long term posters in this forum

[SoMovinOn]

I mentioned this in another thread, so here it is.

 

I've noticed there are some long term posters in this forum. I understand that for those who are involved in long term A's, but I am curious about those who continue here long after the A is over and done with. I suppose it's not just here, but in other A and infidelity related forums as well.

 

I'll be cautious here and clarify that I am in no way suggesting anyone who wants to be here or feels the need to be here shouldn't be.

 

To further clarify, I ask because it is very different from how *I* am. I don't like to hold on to bad things. I used to, but at some point felt doing so was toxic. I felt doing so hurt me. In some cases, negative feelings like anger, resentment, pain, hurt, etc., felt as though they were consuming me. As a result, I decided I needed to deal with those things in whatever way necessary or possible, then let them go and move on. I decided I'd prefer to focus on the good things ahead of me, whatever they may be. I don't know how it is that I am able to just "Let it go", but, I do.

 

I suppose there should be a question or two here then.

 

Is it that you are unable to let it go, put it behind you? (Why? are there things unresolved?)

 

Is it that you have put it behind you but you feel some responsibilty(?) to share your experience and knowledge with others?

 

Something else?

 

Seriously, there is no agenda here. I am very much just curious. If you haven't noticed yet, I am very much into understanding psychology.

[anne1707]

A thread like this crops up now and then

 

Is it that you are unable to let it go, put it behind you? (Why? are there things unresolved?)

 

Not the case for me. However unfortunately some will insist that this must be the case. I get things thrown at me about how I must not be over the ex-OM or my marriage has not reconciled fully etc. After all that must be the case because I still post here. All a load of **** as far as I am concerned.

 

Is it that you have put it behind you but you feel some responsibilty(?) to share your experience and knowledge with others?

 

This has been a huge part of it for me. There are posters on this site who really helped me in my most difficult times. The problems they may have had when they joined LS had been resolved but they stuck around to help others. I am grateful for the support/grief they gave me and I feel I should (and want to) "pay it forward".

 

I should add that these posters were not just the likes of Owl who take a more diplomatic approach in telling you that you are being a complete **** but also the likes of Dexter who is unfortunately no longer here who gave me a lot of flak but it was all part of the wake-up call I needed.

 

Something else?

 

Yes. I have made friends here (and met one IRL who both my H and I adore). I don't just stick to the Infidelity and OW/OM forum. There is life beyond these 2 forums on LS and it is generally a lot less vitriolic than it can be here.

[SoMovinOn]

Not the case for me. However unfortunately some will insist that this must be the case. I get things thrown at me about how I must not be over the ex-OM or my marriage has not reconciled fully etc. After all that must be the case because I still post here. All a load of **** as far as I am concerned.

 

Processing... thinking out loud a bit maybe...

 

I would guess some of that would be explained by the fact that people generally view everything through glasses tinted by their own knowledge and experiences. In this case, what they are saying is more about how *they* think they would be in your situation, rather than any actual assessment of you personally. It is "projection", which many seem to feel is a bad word, but really, it's the only way people can process information.

 

 

I had considered the "Pay it forward" idea. Not sure why I didn't include it.

 

Considering that, if I might dig a little deeper... Does coming here and reading about these things ever trigger bad feelings about your own experience?

[bentnotbroken]

A thread like this crops up now and then

 

 

 

Not the case for me. However unfortunately some will insist that this must be the case. I get things thrown at me about how I must not be over the ex-OM or my marriage has not reconciled fully etc. After all that must be the case because I still post here. All a load of **** as far as I am concerned.

 

 

 

This has been a huge part of it for me. There are posters on this site who really helped me in my most difficult times. The problems they may have had when they joined LS had been resolved but they stuck around to help others. I am grateful for the support/grief they gave me and I feel I should (and want to) "pay it forward".

 

I should add that these posters were not just the likes of Owl who take a more diplomatic approach in telling you that you are being a complete **** but also the likes of Dexter who is unfortunately no longer here who gave me a lot of flak but it was all part of the wake-up call I needed.

 

 

 

Yes. I have made friends here (and met one IRL who both my H and I adore). I don't just stick to the Infidelity and OW/OM forum. There is life beyond these 2 forums on LS and it is generally a lot less vitriolic than it can be here.

 

 

Ditto everything posted here. I am here because I enjoy certain posters and absolutely love others. I am not stuck, bitter or hanging on. When I feel the urge to post, I post. When I feel the urge to only read, I only read. When I feel the urge to stay away, I stay away.

[anne1707]

Does coming here and reading about these things ever trigger bad feelings about your own experience?

 

At times there may be a situation which I think is more similar to my personal experiences. Naturally I may then remember a particular event or emotion but it does not make me feel bad in the sense of pain or guilt (and my H would not want me to either). It would not be healthy to continue in that mindset where you dwell on the past and do not look to the future.

 

However I also feel that it is good to be reminded that none of us are infallible and that all relationships will have their rough patches. It is how you deal with the bad times that really matters in a marriage.

[SoMovinOn]

Reading and responding to the first response here made me think about why *I* come here. I thought maybe I should answer that.

 

Right off the top of my head... I'm not sure. That raised the question of why I mostly come here to the OW/OM section and rarely read (and even more rarely post) in the infidelity section. Again, I'm not sure.

 

More thinking out loud I suppose...

 

I am OK with my A. I think it is sufficiently unique that I am unsure if sharing my experiences would be of much benefit to all but a very few others. I know in many cases I discuss things as a means of working through my own thoughts and feelings, especially when I am conflicted.

 

I know my experiences as a BS would likely help others, especially in the area of how to catch someone or confirm suspicions, but I suppose I most often see where others have already provided the same answers I would.

 

To answer my own question about whether reading here ever brings up bad feelings about my own experience, I would say, yes, on rare occasion it brings up a bit of a GRRRRRR! in me, but not anything significant or lasting. As I am still in the process of changing my STBXW into and exW, and she is still here, for me, it's good to sometimes be reminded of why I want her gone.

[SoMovinOn]

However I also feel that it is good to be reminded that none of us are infallible and that all relationships will have their rough patches. It is how you deal with the bad times that really matters in a marriage.

 

Not only in marriage, in all of life really. Let me see if I can find that quote...

 

“The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges.”

~ Martin Luther King Jr. ~

 

Anyone can do well when things are good, life is easy, it's in how we handle the bad times that really show our true character.

[Afishwithabike]

You know this time of year is when A Christmas Carol ("Scrooge") by Charles Dickens is shown on TV. When I read the posts of former Other Women/Other Men especially the repentant ones, I'm reminded of the character of Jacob Marley from the story. Like Marley, these former OW/OM are using their experience to warn others not to follow in the same footsteps. What OW/OM did isn't admirable but I think it's commendable they're willing to be reminded of their pasts in order to help those who need it to get through infidelity.

[East7]

.

 

Is it that you have put it behind you but you feel some responsibilty(?) to share your experience and knowledge with others?

.

 

Yes, absolutely.

 

But also because I feel member of "LS community" with some old posters here that I enjoy reading.

[silktricks]

Both Anne and Bent already posted my reasons as well, but in addition to the "paying forward" and the just plain enjoying some posters, I also have used it as a distraction from fairly serious health issues.

 

In answer to your question regarding "flasbacks"... no, not for a long time. It was a problem for awhile, but now that whole mess just seems like it happened to 2 different people than who we are now.

[seren]

Both Anne and Bent already posted my reasons as well, but in addition to the "paying forward" and the just plain enjoying some posters, I also have used it as a distraction from fairly serious health issues.

 

In answer to your question regarding "flasbacks"... no, not for a long time. It was a problem for awhile, but now that whole mess just seems like it happened to 2 different people than who we are now.

 

Exactly these reasons.

I first found LS by typing in coping after an A into Google, also found a number of other sites which either didn't reflect how I felt or answered what I needed to know. I stayed, not so much for support, but just to not feel so alone and to realise that what I was feeling was 'normal' for someone who felt hurt, cheated, lost etc etc. What struck me at the time, was that reading on the OW/OM forum a lot of the posters were feeling, lost hurt, betrayed because the MP had stayed in their marriage. I didn't confide in people IRL, being online gave me anonimity and an outlet, a distraction from my own problems, while also reading how to work through reconciliation.

 

As time went along I became interested in some of the regular posters situations, hoped that they found peace, irrespective of their role in the A. I found some of the opinions hard to understand, especially from those still involved in A's who appeared to discount the BS as a person and openly spoke about not caring, I still don't understand the knowingly taking part in hurting another, but don't dwell on it.

 

I stay and try to provide support to the individual and not the A role, I don't find the constant hypothetical debates useful for supporting people and so try to support those who are struggling or looking for answers. Being on LS doesn't trigger anything for me, 4 years plus from D Day I am where I want to be, as Silktricks said, it seems like another life to me now, but I remember what it was to hurt and be seeking answers, so I post on threads I feel I can contribute to.

 

It is often the same old story played out over and over again, which is sad.

[Anna101]

I figured as someone whose affair 'worked' out as 'best' they can for the OW, I might have some advice to offer.

 

The hard part is when the affair ends and the relationship begins.

[findingnemo]

I think I've been here a year now. If that's not long-term, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

 

I also discovered this site via Google. I'm not in an A in a real sense but having feelings for someone who is M and who I'll never have is tough. I found solace here and everyday I think I let go more and more. I will stay because there are so many people here that are in pain and need good advice.

 

I get flashbacks sometimes when I read the OW/OM forum and the M and Life Partnerships forum. Does it bother me to remember my horrid M? No.

[twinsmom]

It's pretty easy to explain why I still come here. As a former OW, it keeps me grounded. Over the years, when I've been tempted to contact my former MM, all I've had to do is come here and read all of the sad stories of the current OW's, and I'm immediately shocked back to reality. I know that I don't ever want to be in that place again. At times I've been harsh with them, wanting them so badly to see the reality that it took me so long to see. I'm especially thankful to those posters who sincerely try and help without being judgmental, such as Whichwayisup and OWL. I've never seen them being judgmental, but simply realistic and caring. At the same time, I don't begrudge those OW who are now happy in their relationships. I am happy for Whiteflower and Sillygirl. Although it didn't work out for me, I am happy for those for whom it did, and they have both provided much valuable information at the same time. It's possible to want to warn other OW of the fruitlessness of most extramarital affairs, while still being happy for those for whom it has provided happiness. I don't see everything in black and white, and I firmly believe that is isn't.

 

That is why I'm still here.

[SunsetRed]

I'm still here because I havent sorted everything out yet..i thought I had, but I havent.

 

I'm getting ready to begin month number 3 of NC (my second round of NC) and I get on here to remind myself of why I dont want to waste anymore of my life being degraded.

 

I've put 100% effort into keeping busy and moving on. Sometimes the busyness gets to be an addiction as I use it to numb myself. I eventually need a break from the busyness and thats when missing MM creeps in.

 

Lord knows I've put myself out there and dated..or at least have gone out on dates. Whats out there in the over 40 and still single crowd makes ache with missing MM.

 

So, I'm hanging in there. LS keeps me strong with my second round of NC. I'm planning some big career and hopefully travel changes in 2012.

 

I will survive this. I've survived every break up I've ever had and have come out 1000 times better off because of it. I just wish that I could find the love of my life and be strong because of that, instead of having to become stronger because of loss and rejection.

[SoMovinOn]

I will survive this. I've survived every break up I've ever had and have come out 1000 times better off because of it. I just wish that I could find the love of my life and be strong because of that, instead of having to become stronger because of loss and rejection.

 

(((Sunset)))

 

I think, before finding the love of your life (not just you, anyone), you need to be whole with yourself, happy alone. I don't like the concept of someone "completing" you - I think people need to be complete on their own, and compliment each other in a relationship.

 

You will survive this. You will come out better. 3 months is not that long. While everyone is different and there is not set time frame, generally, getting over something major gets easier around 6 months, and takes a couple of years to really put behind you.

 

It's definitely nice to have somewhere like this to come for support, especially when you're having a particularly difficult moment.

[kareena]

I'm still involved in the A in a way,I know your question was directed to people who still post here after its all over but I felt like sharing.

 

For me personally,this forum is my "happy place",it is a place where I feel safe and accepted.It is a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings no matter how dark or sad they may be without hurting my pride and without being judged.reading other peoples' stories helps me learn and I feel a connection with that person,connecting with people is something I lack in my life I have always felt like no one really got me,finding it here fills the void.

 

I am a very compassionate and very sensitive person by nature,feeling that someone out there cares even if its a random stranger behind a pc really helps when I'm feeling down and I hope to do the same for other people. I don't think I will ever stop posting here,no matter what happens with me and MM. Posting here helps me cope,and I hope to be able to give back by helping other people.

[Brokenlady]

 

Is it that you are unable to let it go, put it behind you? (Why? are there things unresolved?)

 

It may never really be "over" - I'm still dealing with the aftermath. The xW has backed off a little bit, but still tries to throw a wrench in our relationship whenever a conveinient opportunity arises. And the kids had had a hard time adjusting, especially his daughter, who has made is crystal clear that she wishes I would die a colorful death and take my kids with me.

 

Is it that you have put it behind you but you feel some responsibilty(?) to share your experience and knowledge with others?

 

that's part of it. When I came here I got bashed into submission and was told a lot of things that just simply weren't true. I took posters at face value and didn't realize that there were people here with a definitive agenda. Some newer posters may have similar experiences, and if I can help in anyway so that my experience is not repeated, then I've done what I set out to do.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Brokenlady

[MissBee]

Is it that you have put it behind you but you feel some responsibilty(?) to share your experience and knowledge with others?

 

 

Not sure who counts as a longtime poster...

 

But the reason I post is for that reason, I also like forums in general and discussions and it helps me to reflect on where I have been, who I am now and where I'm going.

 

I've mentioned it in other threads that the reason I came to LS initially had nothing to do with As, I had been a member before and never ventured to these parts. While I was in an A I didn't really feel like I needed support and I wasn't on any forum discussing it, neither when it ended. It was as I started dealing with and thinking about my life and relationships in general, particularly the issue of unavailable relationships (not specifically the most obvious, that is, the person being with someone else) that somehow I happened upon this section of the board and when I began reading some of the threads and so on...I felt like hmmmm this place is a great place to learn, share and grow further.

Edited November 26, 2011 by MissBee

[SoMovinOn]

Not sure who counts as a longtime poster...

 

Anyone who wants to throw out an answer is welcome, but, what I was wondering is about people who have been here for several years, and are several years beyond their A.

 

So far I am noticing the "Pay it forward" concept seems to be most common. That's pretty cool considering "the media" seems to like to say that people care less about others these days.

[Hazyhead]

I still come here for several reasons. Probably the biggest would be that I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the affair, and reading here is the greatest reminder of the downside. The heartbreak that teems through some posts is hard to read, at times, and it makes me realise how I still carry pain. I also like the pay-it-forward idea. When I see somebody in a similar situation to where I was, I try to help.

Like others, I also come here because I care about the posters I've encountered. I guess it's a bit like hysterical bonding! I don't always post, but I think I'll always be around.

[Spark1111]

I still come here for several reasons. Probably the biggest would be that I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the affair, and reading here is the greatest reminder of the downside. The heartbreak that teems through some posts is hard to read, at times, and it makes me realise how I still carry pain. I also like the pay-it-forward idea. When I see somebody in a similar situation to where I was, I try to help.

Like others, I also come here because I care about the posters I've encountered. I guess it's a bit like hysterical bonding! I don't always post, but I think I'll always be around.

 

Hi HH! Hope all is well with you?

 

I like to pay it forward, help others, and share some of the feelings that can still on occasion, be triggered by the affair.

 

This is the only site that I blog about the affair, its after effects, and our reconciliation. I no longer discuss it in therapy or in life.

 

I do not know anyone IRL that has successfully reconciled after an affair that I am close enough to confide in, with the exception of one dear, dear friend who passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.

 

I miss her terribly as she understood every emotion I experienced and why I was experiencing it.

 

So I turn to support here; from Seren and Owl and Silktricks and Pheonix Rising. I wish there were support groups that met occasionally for those who have successfully reconciled after infidelity, but there is not.

 

While many have successfully reconciled from infidelity, it is not shouted from the rooftops IRL. To do so would be disrespectful to the fWS and a happy relationship is ALL ABOUT mutual respect.

 

There is not even a bad day anymore, just the occasional painful feeling triggered by something outside of our control. Sometimes, I turn to him and we share it. (The best therapy.)

 

Sometimes (out of respect for him) I do not because the affair also brings him to a dark and painful place and I weigh whether the discussion will do me more good than him harm before I embark on it.

 

Yes, I do love him and I know he loves me. Yet reading, learning, and hopefully helping others to see another point of view has continued to be therapeutic for me and for us.

[Hazyhead]

Hi HH! Hope all is well with you?

 

I like to pay it forward, help others, and share some of the feelings that can still on occasion, be triggered by the affair.

 

This is the only site that I blog about the affair, its after effects, and our reconciliation. I no longer discuss it in therapy or in life.

 

I do not know anyone IRL that has successfully reconciled after an affair that I am close enough to confide in, with the exception of one dear, dear friend who passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.

 

I miss her terribly as she understood every emotion I experienced and why I was experiencing it.

 

So I turn to support here; from Seren and Owl and Silktricks and Pheonix Rising. I wish there were support groups that met occasionally for those who have successfully reconciled after infidelity, but there is not.

 

While many have successfully reconciled from infidelity, it is not shouted from the rooftops IRL. To do so would be disrespectful to the fWS and a happy relationship is ALL ABOUT mutual respect.

 

There is not even a bad day anymore, just the occasional painful feeling triggered by something outside of our control. Sometimes, I turn to him and we share it. (The best therapy.)

 

Sometimes (out of respect for him) I do not because the affair also brings him to a dark and painful place and I weigh whether the discussion will do me more good than him harm before I embark on it.

 

Yes, I do love him and I know he loves me. Yet reading, learning, and hopefully helping others to see another point of view has continued to be therapeutic for me and for us.

 

Hi Spark! I'm well, thank you so much for asking. Hope you are too - certainly sounds like it

 

Further to what Spark is saying, I found the support here - from OW/OMs, BSs and all priceless. Reading the experiences and advice from others here has, I feel, helped me grow as a person (very Dr Phil!) and take time to consider situations from all angles. Although no longer in the affair, I will continue to gain from reading here and if I can pass on help to somebody else, then all the better.

 

I know of no other place on the Internet like this.