Good Sister/Bad Sister?

[Kinder-Horror]

Sorry for this being so long! Ah! If you want the shorter version, just skip half way down to the"main issue." Thanks!!!

I am 6 years older than my sister, Anna. She JUST turned 16 and lives at home with the parents, while I live about 3 hours away. She is quite different than I was in high school.

 

I was fairly social, had a good circle of friends and was involved in activities, but wasn't ms. popular or homecoming queen by any means - in short, high school was kinder to me than it was to a lot of other people. I had plans to go to college (and went and graduated) and in MOST cases, got along rather fine with my mom (considering I was a teenage girl).

 

However, my mother was infinitely harder on me than she was/is on my sister. Despite that I had cheer practice from 4am-7am before school and 2pm-7pm after school, she still made me work on the weekends and drug tested me.

 

My relationship with my mother was not peachy keen. The worst was when I was 17/18 - but we got past it. I think the root of my issue with her was that I was a fairly well behaved child who was constantly treated like I was a bad kid.

 

Cut to 8 years later.

 

My sister Anna has never had a great relationship with my mom. And by that, I mean I can't quite say she hates her... but a small gust of wind may push her over that line - Anna is way less social (which is fine), and doesn't care to speak to my mom (where as I treated my mom like a friend, gossiped about friends and boys and whatnot) - however my mom SHOWERS her with love (as she should), as well as any and everything she asks for and more, not to mention she isn't involved in anything, doesn't work or have any responsibilities.

 

These things are fine to a degree - in fact, I am slightly jealous my mom didn't treat me that way when I was Anna's age... life would have been a bit easier on the mother-daughter relationship front.

 

Here's my main issue:

 

In the past 6 months, these things have happened:

6 months ago: Photo on Anna's facebook posted of what appeared to be her smoking a cigarette (at 15) with a boy. Photo taken down but not before the nanny saw it and took a screen shot, sent it to my mother and myself. I could tell it was her - my mom said "it looks just like her, but she doesn't have those shoes."

 

5 months ago: Anna's best friend was suspended for buying pot

- When I found out (from the nanny) I was really torn between being a good sister and not telling my mom (being the cool sister) or being a good sister and telling my mom so she could pay more attention to it (aka being the loser sister). I went the loser route and told my mom. She talked to Anna's friends mom and found out it was allegedly from a text message and no one caught anyone with pot, therefore no one is doing pot.

 

3 months ago: Anna deletes her facebook (no she didn't block me).

 

1 month ago: Anna comes to stay with me. I am not sure why she chose then, but she was very open about smoking pot... like extremely open. She also explained that once she graduates, she is leaving. No plans to go to college or have any career, her dream is to be a bartender and just live and get baked. I know I should have had a long discussion with her about how she shouldn't be doing what she was doing, but I was scared she would just shut me out again like she has in the past. She even brought paraphernalia with her and talked about other things she has at home.

 

3 weeks ago: Older brother is house sitting and watching Anna while the parents are out of town. He calls me at 10:30pm on a monday night to tell me that Anna is out of control. She stole our parents car (doesn't have a license) and is just gone (probably to smoke... all of which...not good). She came back an hour later and just went to bed.

 

2 weeks ago: Anna turns 16

1 week ago: Anna gets her license

3 days ago: Anna gets a car.

 

I am going home for the weekend to be around family - my question is do I do anything about this, or do I just ignore it? I suppose I am a tattle tale, but it doesn't seem in my nature to not say something, yet I already feel like if I do, my mother is in such a state of denial about Anna that it will just look bad on me and it will go nowhere.

 

If I talk to Anna - I feel like she will just shut me out and then I will never know what is going on with her. I DON'T think she should have a car right now considering her choice of activities. It just gives her more opportunities to get into trouble. And while this may be me being jealous, I do have an issue that my mother isn't putting the same kinds of pressures on her that she did on me considering Anna actually is doing the things my mother was scared I was doing... But is this completely none of my business?

Edited November 24, 2011 by Kinder-Horror

[Ariadne]

But is this completely none of my business?

 

Yes, it's none of your business.

 

You are just jealous, and I'm sure your mother already knows that your sister smokes and is brushing it off.

 

Try and be friends with your sister, she seems pretty cool. Tell her to be careful, don't drink and drive etc. She may need you too if she goes the path she says she will.

 

Congrats on doing well with your college and graduating, you did better than your sister there.

[sLiPpeTh]

Yup, I'd ignore it. Excepting paraphernalia? If you don't want paraphernalia in your place...you have every right to ask an individual remove it or kick them out.

 

In other words, control your own turf. Otherwise, "butt-out."

[NoMagicBullet]

Crappy advice like this is why I quit reading anything at Loveshack. I just happen to be bored enough this evening to read and write this reply.

 

Despite what you have been told previously, what your sister is doing is NOT COOL, and if your are genuinely concerned for her, there is nothing wrong about saying that to your mother.

 

The important part of that is if you are genuinely concerned for your sister. Yes, you resent your mother's permissiveness with her. Heck, that permissiveness probably encouraged Anna in doing whatever the hell she wants. It's not fair to you, but that ship has sailed, and you can't change that.

 

If you want to say anything to your mother, do not bring up the past and how she's treated you and your sister differently. Do not list off a bunch of things Anna's done that you do not know about first-hand. No "the nanny told me" stuff. You can tell your mom that your sister said she smokes pot and even brought her drug paraphernalia to your place and that you are worried about her. If your older brother feels the same, you could both sit down with your mom and explain what you've both personally observed and that this is not a good path Anna is going down. (I find it interesting that the brother calls you about Anna -- did he ever tell your mom?) Don't tell your mom what to do, don't say what you think Anna should be doing, just say that her behavior has you worried that she could get into serious trouble if she keeps going like this. Then leave it at that and let your mother choose what to do about it. You are not obliged to keep secrets for your sister if she is stealing the car and smoking pot, but it's not your job to convince your mother that she needs to parent differently. You can't control either your sister or your mother.

 

If you are willing to risk alienation from Anna, I suggest a tough love approach in your relationship with her -- tell her she is not welcome at your place with her drugs, paraphernalia, whatever. You could tell her you don't want her over as long as she's smoking pot. You could even tell your mother that Anna will not be permitted over at your house unless she consents to the drug testing like you had to do. Sure, Anna may shut you out, but so far she has faced no consequences from anyone for her crappy behavior. You just might be doing her a favor in being the bad guy -- AKA The Parent, since mom isn't stepping up. From the info you've given on Anna and your mom, I think the possibility exists that your mom may side with Anna and also see you as the bad guy, so only choose this course of action if you are committed to sticking to it regardless of the fallout and any potential family rifts. Best of luck, whatever you decide.