XDOR Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 How to start? Could put this thread under "jealously" or something, but it doesn't fit there, and actually I'm not really jealous... My relation with her is wonderful. Everything is good, except, as I told her once, her relation with her children, especially the oldest. It worries me, and I noticed she is too hard at her. She has 4 children, from 2 different marriages. But let's start. From the very first time we had dinner together, 9 months ago, she told me so many things about herself... as if she wanted to make me sure who she was... She told me she was very sick in the past, like if she didn't want anything about life anymore. She also told me that a couple of times she has been close to commiting suicide. In one of those times she had a car accident in which she almost killed somebody else... She also told me that she lost a brother and that she lost a boyfriend, years ago... Later I found out that the boyfriend that she lost was her first real relation, she lost her virginity with him. That happened 20 years ago. What a shame, I though, but I though she had actually overcome it. Oh, one more thing, before she met him, she wanted to be a noun, she though her goal in life was to be with God... Anyway, they were planning to get married, they were very happy. She went to Europe to spend one year there, and left her boyfriend in Mexico. She promised him that she would be faithful to him the whole time, and that when she goes back, they would engage. In Europe, nobody understood her, and they believed that the boyfriend was part of her imagination (she never dated anybody). One day he decided to go to Europe and engage there, in Paris. But destiny was cruel, and he passed away of pneumonia a week before his trip. She was informed by her mother, by phone, and she chose to stay there, in France. She didn't want to face the reality. She was not in the funeral. She never said good bye to him. One time she told me that only 2 years ago she visited his grave for the first time, and ONLY THEN she admitted that he was gone. She said she always believed that he was alive, somewhere. I knew he meant meant a lot. I can even understand how she married her first husband, just to get married with somebody, not for love. The guy apparently is bisexual, he works on a hair boutique, uses long hair, talks like a guy etc., but they had 2 daughters. He used to go out with his friends everynight and come back at 5am, and ended up in a drug clinic (he was adicted to cacaine). That marriage lasted 5 years... Anyway, she is now studying 2 things: Family constelations (even if she is not a psichologyst) and "how to become a medium" (she strongly believes in it). She uses to go to mediums and spiritual people a lot. One time, she says, a medium told her: "Next to you I see a handsom guy, with a huge flower set and a ring", and it was his boyfriend... Also she says "I'm a bad mother, I realize it, but I cannot deal with my children, especially the oldest. I know I'm doing something wrong, but I don't have good feelings for her"... Another time she told me (around 3 months ago) " I finally removed my boyfriend's picture from my wallet"... Wow, I said. It survived 20 years including 2 marriages, all the time in her wallet. Well, last weekend I was invited to a session of family constelations and she was constelled (a treatment in which she sees what has affected her life, what causes her current problems etc.), and it was shocking: It turns out she is still in in love with him. All the time that she says that she doesn't want to continue in this life, it's because she wants to join him in heaven. She continuously rejects her children because they are not his. She can't get to a good relation with a man because she always compares them with his first love... She told the psychologist that only 2 months ago she removed the picture from her wallet. He replied "where it is now?". She said "well, still in my wallet, but facing down"... The psychologist told her to choose a man from the public and lye him down on the floor, to represent her dead boyfriend, and asked her to say "good bye, I break my promise, I'm here, you are there, I'm alive, you are dead, I forgive you for leaving early" etc. etc. etc. She could hardly talk, crying a lot. She is still in love. And her whole life has been a mess because she didn't admit the dead, 20 years ago... And his images in her brain are of the perfect man. She idealized him. Will she ever forget? Can she still go through it? Oh, one more thing, the constellator (who is a hard person) first told her "there is no solution, you have to die". I guess that's to make her react and really make a decision to live, but it was so strong, so cruel, so dramatic... It was shocking for me. What can I expect? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I don't put much credence into the whole family constellation concept, or in mediums. It sounds to me like this woman needs some serious, professional (psychiatric) help to deal with her multitude of problems. Will she ever forget? No Will she be able to overcome the grief/depression/psychological damage? Possibly, but not without the right kind of diagnosis and treatment. IMO It should be a criminal offense for someone purportedly there to help her heal, tell her that there is no solution but her death! What are this person's credentials? Are they licensed in any way? What is the charter of their licensing agency? That just pisses me off and if they are working under the umbrella of a professional therapist they could be fined or charged with criminal intent or something. But maybe the context was such that it was clearly understood that suicide was not a viable option. What can you expect? A lot of hard years full of emotional upheaval and stress more than likely. If she gets the proper help, you can expect some struggles but probably have more hope. Her kids may present some very difficult challenges too, but then any kid can do that! Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Run! This woman's a complete mess. She's not ready for a romantic relationship. She needs a lot more therapy, time to become whole, time to take care of her real priorities. You can't save her -- you'll only end up getting hurt. Even if you end up with her, you'll never really have her. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author XDOR Posted May 26, 2004 Author Share Posted May 26, 2004 "What are this person's credentials? Are they licensed in any way? What is the charter of their licensing agency?" Well, these therapists are serious, they are travelling all around the world with their method. The therapist who did this is a reknown german person (see links below). Anyway, at least my girlfriend is now working to fix her problems. She recognizes that she has something wrong, so there are good indications. Besides, as a person she is excellent. http://www.family-constellations.org/family_questions.htm http://www.bert-hellinger.com/international/english/hellinger_lectures_articles/2001_kyoto_collective_conscious.shtml Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 Well -- sounds like you're willing to risk getting hurt / disappointed. Stick with her then. Encourage her in her healing. Be understanding. What else can you do? With such longstanding and deeply rooted issues, she may never fully recover. It's going to take a lot of therapy for her to return to mental health. But, if you're along for the ride, maybe that will give her someone real to connect with rather than her fantasy man. You might want to suggest couples counseling to complement her individual counseling. That way, the bond between the two of you can be strengthened and tested. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author XDOR Posted May 27, 2004 Author Share Posted May 27, 2004 Guess what? She confessed me yesterday that last Saturday night she burned her boyfriend's photograph. She said it was for her like a funeral. That's a plus for the therapist. And I was going to tell her to give the picture to somebody to keep it so she never sees it again. (No, I wouldn't be a good option for this). I never saw the picture anyway! So now he's gone... Unless the picture "reappears" in her wallet in a couple of months. God, now everything is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
DaiseyEyes Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 This woman has a lot of issues she needs to deal with. It may even be a life-long process. I'm sure it is possible if she really wants to be healthy, but it sounds like it will be a long and difficult journey for her. It will be difficult on you, too. You have to be ready for her to change. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle the emotional strains this situation would produce. If you think it is worth it, then best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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