Forgive the length of this!

[SelfCentered]

Hi all

 

 

Good to see this site is still around. It helped me out a lot three years ago as I was going through a bad breakup.

 

 

 

Unsurprisingly, my return heralds news of another bad breakup!

 

 

Let me give some background:

 

 

Around Easter this year I fell for the younger sister of a good friend of mine. She was 18, I was 23. From the start alarm bells were ringing, but I was so besotted with her that I managed to look past all of that.

 

 

 

The family’s story in an interesting one. To keep it short, my friend lives in my hometown with his mother. The sister lives with her stepmum quite literally in the middle of nowhere. The dad works and lives outside of the country, maybe seeing the kids once a year.

 

 

 

The sister stays with her mum and my friend over Christmas, Easter and the summer. I’d seen her before- when she was a 17 year old girl- and thought nothing of her. This Easter however she returned as an 18 year old, strikingly beautiful petite young lady. I very quickly developed feelings for her and even though she was very shy, we grew close.

 

 

 

When she went back home after Easter, we would talk everyday without fail on Facebook about…well, everything! My friend didn’t know and I honestly didn’t care. She was the first girl for a long time that I had strong feelings for. I knew she would be back in the summer for two months, and the week she returned I made a pass at her on a night out. It worked. We kissed, made out, whatever you want to call it. The days after we pretty much became a couple and I couldn’t believe my luck.

 

 

 

My friend understandably wasn’t happy- but that isn’t the issue here. He objected, didn’t talk to me for about a month, eventually came around and by the end of my relationship with his sister, he was my friend again.

 

 

As for her….

 

 

I should have known better. She was going to leave for university/college this September. I knew from experience the trauma of a long-distance college relationship, yet I told her I wanted to be with her. We agreed to find a way to make it work. But this girl….man, she has some emotional baggage. Fairly messed up family life, grew up in the middle of nowhere, no exposure before to the outside world etc.

 

 

So through September to November I went up to see her every weekend without fail. At first it worked well (this is the short version by the way) we were affectionate, happy, talking.

 

But I eventually saw a change in her that I knew in my heart would eventually come, having being through uni myself. She was growing up in a bit city, surrounded by new and exciting people. She was also financially responsible for herself for the first time in her life, and struggling with her work. A lot for her to deal with. I helped her out- bearing in mind I had my own problems to deal with, with sick family members and stress at work- whenever I could.

 

 

 

However, in early November I noted a change in her demeanour. She kept postponing our weekends together and was increasingly becoming shirty with me online.

 

Now I’ve always been a worrier, and this made me have horrible anxiety attacks at work and at home. Last week was awful for me. One day, I literally collapsed in the shower, shaking with fear of us breaking up 'cause I could see it coming. Makes me feel pathetic just thinking about it.

 

 

Last Saturday, I spoke to her on Skype. I asked her when I could see her next. See I had given her that weekend to “have some space” and this weekend coming I am out the country, so I was like “hey, can’t wait to see you the first weekend of December!”

 

 

 

Her response?

 

 

“We’ll see”.

 

 

I knew what was going on, I’m not wet behind the ears. After a horribly restless night, I travelled up to see her the next day for “the talk”. The usual stuff came out, I could tell she wanted to breakup with me but that she was too inexperienced to make the move. Her plan was to simply not see each other for a few weeks and probably breakup over the phone.

 

 

 

Even though it tore me up, I told her I needed an answer there and then and that I couldn't go away whilst we were in limbo. She couldn’t give me an answer, but to me the silence said it all. We both cried, I got angry, she cried, I hugged her, I cried, then I said goodbye. Who dumped who? Well, I instigated it, but ultimately this was her decision.

 

 

 

 

 

That was this past Sunday. I’ve been a bit of a wreck since then.

 

 

 

But WHY should I be? The relationship was only 5 months!

 

 

 

Yet I have been a lamenting mess, crying, having more anxiety attacks. I guess I always knew that, giving our ages and the distance involved, this was always going to be the way things would end.

 

 

I saw my family doctor on Tuesday. I told her about the anxiety problems I’d had. Even though the relationship was over, I knew the anxiety had occurred before, and I want to make sure I never get that bad again. This doctor was excellent. She spoke to me about my life, my personality, everything. She told me in no uncertain terms that my ex sounded like “a wreck” that I had tried to support at the cost of my own well being.

 

 

 

She also said that I sound like someone with longterm emotional problems- I've always thought so- and that some therapy could be beneficial. I was actually kindahappy to hear this.

 

 

 

She prescribed me with some valium to help over the next few weeks as she thinks the breakup- which should be simple to deal with in normal circumstances- and some other things in my life that have happened this year have exacerbated my long term anxiety and emotional problems.

 

 

I’m surrounded by good friends and family, I’ve dealt with worse breakups before. But these past few days have made me realise just how many deeper emotional problems I have.

 

 

 

All of this ****…And I’m only 23!

 

 

 

Not sure why I posted this. It isn’t a question. I guess I just wanted a forum to vent. Any feedback however would be appreciated.

 

 

 

Thank you,