JavaButterfly Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 I live with a married man, its been almost 3 years and still no divorce. Oh yes it got down to the final wire until she decided not to go thru with it, and pretty much told him that no reason to get divorced, the only thing he cant do is get remarried -- right? - he has no more money to pursue it -- went to the lawyers and mediation (which I had helped pay for.. stupid me) Where the hell does that leave me? Am I supposed to be okay living with a man who is still married, helping him get the rent paid, child support , groceries for the kids, not to mention holidays and such... Not like Im really part of the "family" right... He has no money cause he has to give it all to her and the kids (he has 4 children - 3 of them under 18) I feel sometimes like Im being used... Why doesnt he ever stand up to her, why doesnt he file for divorce, is he scared of her, maybe he doesnt want the divorce..I dont know Im just so tired of all of this... I know I know I could just leave... but to where? I have no family, no children, and even my dog died... (sounds like a country song eh) I too had been married at one time-- 18 years, my now ex had an affair got the gal pregnant (I was never able to have kids) I actually knew her.. she was the daughter of the elder at the church we attended -- how ironic..he asked for a divorce I said fine, and never asked for anything... took my car and my dog and started over.... then of course I meet this guy who was separated going thru a divorce, --- and here I am still waiting three years later. I just dont know what to do, If I said I didnt love him I would be a liar, but love doesnt always mean theres not issues and problems.. Ive let him run me dry financially, emotionally -- I just want some sort of solution but Im not sure what the solution is... do I keep waiting, hoping things will change.. do I just take off -- Im just so confused.. and scared,,, scared of being alone.. scared I will never find anyone that will love me.. want to be with me, lets face it Im not getting any younger ... Im sad Im depressed, I feel without hope and maybe just maybe my life is just an illusion and I really am meant to be alone... Thanks for listening and letting me vent .... Java ..... Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 If you want a solid relationship with marriage and this man does not. Staying would mean excepting it as it is. Like you said your not getting any younger so go for what you want before you are to old.Find out where a man stands about his future with you does he want marriage or not I know many men that want marriage. Theirs nothing wrong with wanting commitment and security.I love being married I have been married almost 18 yrs.Talk to your man tell him what you want and where you stand hopefully he will think about it, living with a person is fine for some but total commitment sounds like its what you need. Good luck I hope you get all you hope for. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Why are you paying this man's bills? Apart from the stress of an elusive divorce, you now have to deal with financial ruin? This will make you resentful if it hasn't already. What to do? You need to ask him to move out until he has sorted out his M issues. The man is comfortable and can stay like this for another 3 years because you give him security. Alone out there, he'd have to make up his mind and sort out his sh*t. You can still date but you won't be responsible for his life anymore. Will he love you less? If he does, then you're better off alone and looking for real love. At this point you have to be practical and remove some of the stress factors. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Stop helping him pay for child support!! Groceries are fine, I mean especially if the kids come to your house, that's a given, but to foot the bill on HIS child support? No way. Divorces don't cost that much. He can apply for a D and maybe you live in one of those States, where after a year or more of legal separation, the D is granted. Why would they need a mediator since it seems she has the house, kids and child support already? Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Wow, I don't know what to say. I feel for you. Your situation was almost my situation. My MM was insisting on living together while still remaining married to the wife. I could already see that the divorce would never happen. For some reason, he wasnt willing to stand up to her either. He was giving blood sweat and tears to give her everything he had and did not feel one bit guilty that I would be the one helping him get his car fixed etc. The wife was so demanding about getting every bit of financial benefit from the marriage and he never fought it. Even a lawyer (which he never actually got) would have worked out an agreement where he didnt have to give her that much. He went so far above and beyond what alimony and child support should have been that I believed she was black mailing him. I see why you are feeling hurt and frusterated. It hurt me too and made me feel unimportant and undervalued to be the secret gf who was helping him while the wife was still the one he provided for without question. The living together thing never worked for us. He stayed at my place for a while, but when he wanted to get a bigger place for us to share, I said hell no as I knew I'd end up getting thrown under the bus. The wife ended up wanting total control of her bread and butter and wanted him back. He only had 2 choices..live with me and support her (with me working 60 hours a week to support her too) or live with her and support her. He's now with her. I wish I had some advice for you, but I dont even have advice for myself. There are still times when I actually wished I'd maxed out my credit cards and supported him supporting her because thats how much I wanted him. I know this isnt a healthy thought, but it is what it is. Despite all the negative aspects of our relationship, there was still a time when our connection was so great that I'd do anything to have that again. I'm divorced and older too and even though I try to have a positive attitude about meeting someone else, the reality of what is out there in the over 40 single crowd makes me want to be the OW forever. Good luck and keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 ((((((((hugs)))))))) Girl, I'm going to suggest you roll. In your post I felt the exhaustion in your words, I felt you being drained because I was there at one time too. Really think about this...what is the payoff in the end for you? There won't be much because based on your post, the very life is being sucked right out of you, and it is not just the words, it's what I "feel" in your post. It kinda scares me to give advice because I was there ...people tried to tell me and I didn't listen and am still suffering from the after effects at times, meaning there are times that I go through mental torment concerning what happened to me...thank God it doesn't define me anymore. What do you want? If this isn't how you see your life, then I would say to position yourself into a place that is more fitting to YOUR vision... Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 I think what stopped me from officially moving in w my xMM was that it would have threatened my own survival to the point where I may not have been able to pull myself up again. I'm 43, I'm too old to move back in with my parents because I screwed up. At 23, one can do this..43 it shouldnt happen. Plus, I live 5 hours away from the closest family member and I have no one to help me if I mess up. MM certainly could never help me, he would always be helping the wife and the nearly grown children. He always said "You have no say in what I do with my money or how much of it I give to my family" Ok, I see that point, but I cant file bankruptcy because of it either. His wife would not contribute a penny for her or their children's livlihood. The "kids" would end up "needing" highschool and college trips to Mexico or some other place. She would tag along on the trip and he'd foot the whole bill saying it was none of my business. Ok..but then when he couldnt put gas or tires onto his own car, it became my business. When we'd end up running my 12 year old Neon into the ground because his wife needed something..it became my business. I still burn when I think of how he had no problem with using beat up car for long trips, but would give the wife money for a rental car so she and the kids could go to Fla. Had I stayed with him, my life would have been about caring for her...forever. I'm responsible for myself, as no one else will be or can be. If I ruin my credit or my car and cant get to work or pay my bills then I have no one to care for me, so I have to keep that from happening. Living with my MM was a threat to my survival, so I just couldnt do it. Even MM pointed out that he would always have a legal obligation to provide for the mother of his kids and that anything he gave to me was something that he was not obligated to give.....so, then I wasnt going to live with him under those circumstances. I'm proud of how I stood up for myself but the really messed up part is that I still want him. I'm working on that messed up part of me...I truly am. At least all I lost was him, which I would have lost no matter how I played the cards. I still have my job, credit, car and home. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 He's pimping you, and the reason he gets away with it is because you're scared to be alone...no will love you...etc. Stop paying for this guy's financial obligations. Link to post Share on other sites
all3sides Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Really think about this...what is the payoff in the end for you? There won't be much because based on your post, the very life is being sucked right out of you, and it is not just the words, it's what I "feel" in your post. What do you want? If this isn't how you see your life, then I would say to position yourself into a place that is more fitting to YOUR vision... That was my reaction. I could literally feel your pain and if this situation continues as you already forsee it, will your pain ever end? And it seems to me that MM isn't too concerned about his status quo changing and you're expected to just take it. Is that really what you want? I hope not but wish the best possible outcome for whatever it is you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
all3sides Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Sorry. Didn't mean the "thumbs down". Posting from my phone and not even sure how it got there. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 I am so happy you found loveshack. It's time for change. You must list your demands and there is no excuse as to why he can't divorce. None. You are talking about him putting his foot down... you put your foot down. The holiday is here and 2012 is around the corner. It's time for you to live the life you want and deserve. Make a list, write down what you want and need. Read it to him and give him a date. If he can't love you more than his wife or your money, he is not the one for you. Get ready to be alone in a sense. But don't worry you wouldn’t be stranded for too long. 3 years is long time to bite your tongue. You practically have none left. You have to grow some balls because he's scared to. You deserve better! Link to post Share on other sites
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