How I got over her so quickly

[Von]

First off happy thanksgiving!

 

Ok. So this is really for the guys here but a good read for all. Its about 3 weeks out from my breakup and Im pretty much over her. Thankfully its not just me telling myself this as everyone else has noticed too. This is how I made it happen:

 

For starters, long before I met my ex I had taken the time to really work on myself, my confidence and self esteem, my humor and personality, and mostly I matured alot. Im about to turn 35 (though I think I look 25 haha). The biggest thing that happened before my ex is I came to love myself. I love who I am. I think im a great person. This pre work I did really helped. Not to mention Id been through so many breakups That I have an understanding of the process.*

 

At the time of the breakup, I didnt beg, plead, get angry, fly off the handle, i was sad and tried to get clear answers but there was none. It was all over in one 37 minute phone call (lol!). I left an email with my thoughts and feelings, let her know that I was moving on and respected her decision. Been in NC since.

 

Next thing I did was grieve, get advice, and started praying for Gods help for me to heal. It helped immensly. I knew that my pride and confidence took a big blow, so I started building myself back up, through being with friends, flirting, using affirmations, and staying in NC.*

 

The best advice I got, which I took and made in my own words, was that "real men dont get phased by breakups". What would a highly confident, high self esteem guy do when getting dumped. He would wish her well and cut her loose. Im single now and can get ready for the next better girl. She WILL come into my life. I can do better than someone that would leave me to go back to their ex. She doesnt deserve me, I deserve better than that.

 

Think of your self esteem level as a pitcher of water. The more affirmations you do, the more good things you do for yourself and others, the more that pitcher gets filled. And that way less gets spilled when something bad happens. If you got it knocked over and emptied, well its time to start filling it back up. You will feel so much better about yourself as you go.

 

Heres some tips:

 

1. Always communicate to a woman like a "real man" would. Women like strong men, so talk and act like one

2. So before you do anything, check yourself to make sure it doesnt seem needy or submissive. Those are total attraction killers

3. Be supportive of your partner, but support yourself first.*

4. Dont put people on a higher pedestal than your own

5. Dont act like a wuss if they leave you. They want to leave? See ya!

6. Always be yourself, from beginning to end. Dont ever change who you are for someone else. If they dont like who you really are, they can kick rocks

7. Get out and have fun. Having fun heels the heart

8. Flirt, get attention, tease, play, etc. it helps you realize your still attractive, even though your not ready for another relationship

9. Keep your mind filled with happy thoughts, try not to think about your ex

10. NC. Never has a better thing come than following no contact. It is immensely helpful in healing. Its not for them, its for YOU

 

I hope that helps some people. I have done my best to follow all 10 points and its worked great. I wish I had known all this years and years ago, but thats ok because now Im gunna be ready for a really good relationship. I pray for you all who are suffering. It WILL get better, trust me! I feel great an people notice.

[twinkles]

Good advice except for #6 sometimes you have to make compromises to make your partner happy. That doesn't mean that you have to give up who you are just that if you truly love someone you have to be able to give them what they need to be happy and in return they will give back to you. It can't be just about you. The other person must be considered. Get what I mean?

[ChelseaLS]

Good advice.... for guys or girls. I think too often when people break up, someone flys off the handle. I made sure with this breakup that I was cool and calm.. yes I cried, but never begged or got angry. Told him to I wanted him to be happy, that I wish he could be happy with me but that I repsected his decision and that I wouldn't wait for him.

 

Good advice.

[lolita jade]

This is great advice and ties up with my 'moving on tips' thread.

 

I wish I knew all this before breaking up, instead of making a fool out of myself with all that needy/ begging stuff. Still at least I have learnt now and am starting to look forward to my new life

 

Its been two months since finding out about the OW and I think I am recovering very quickly due to the fact that I was married for 25 years.

 

All thanks to my friends, family, being determined and this site

[Mack05]

The post has some good points about self esteem/self confidence etc but if you really loved her it would take you longer then 3 weeks to move on, no matter how much you love yourself.

[lolita jade]

I think the point is to accept the relationship is over rather than stopping loving them.

 

You can love them for the rest of your life and no doubt a big or little part of you always will unless they did something so awful you end up hating them.

[Mack05]

I think the point is to accept the relationship is over rather than stopping loving them.

 

You can love them for the rest of your life and no doubt a big or little part of you always will unless they did something so awful you end up hating them.

 

I get the post Lolita but I am very sceptical..If the original poster was as confident as he seems, he wouldn't have fallen for a girl like this in the first place -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t305236/. Men with strong self esteem and confidence don't fall for girls like this. There is a saying, water finds its own level. Just my opinion. I think the OP is kidding himself. You can accept a relationship is over, but if you truly love them it takes longer then 3 weeks to be so optimistic, no matter how strong you are..

 

I don't believe Von is as strong as he is making himself out to be or he never really loved this girl. Its one or the other.

Edited November 24, 2011 by Mack05

[wilsonx]

I agree, this is him lying to himself and not accepting his true feelings of the loss. When you don't accept your true feelings and suppress them, you begin to foster resentment. That resentment will grow and grow and grown until you finally acknowledge it and be true to yourself and your feelings instead of hiding behind them. Thats why a lot of people have SOOO Much rage at their ex's or themselves after a breakup. They have been suppressing their feelings for so long

Edited November 24, 2011 by wilsonx

[M2155]

I think it's possible to get over quickly if your relationship was dying before it ended if you know what I mean (I don't know the OP's story) or was at a crossroads stage. But true, even then yes the crash is harder than the fall.

 

At 3 weeks I was still devouring the "get your ex back" books so that probably is too quick for anyone who loved to truly feel and live the OP. But I guess if it's your goal to follow this mindest then that would be a good start to healing quicker then dwellers.

 

I eventually got tired of being down and I had so many people telling me things like the OPs post that I started to believe the future might be better for me than the past and that was my motivation. But now I am trying to work on just appreciating now. I think I'm good as long as we don't cross paths because I'm not indifferent yet.

[lolita jade]

I do agree 3 weeks is too soon to be over you ex. It depends how easily you are ready to accept it. I was like M2155 at that point. At that stage I was up one day down the next. This carried on right through until I exhausted myself with trying and getting nowhere. This is the point I accepted it. When I was exhausted. My aching heart has finally gone now I have accepted it but it doesnt mean I am over my ex. I still love him.

 

The OP tips are very good though and any tips are good at helping us recover from a broken heart.

 

Contacting my ex every so often did help me actually as he was hurting me so much it exhausted me. It has given me the strength to do no contact and move on.

[Von]

I get the post Lolita but I am very sceptical..If the original poster was as confident as he seems, he wouldn't have fallen for a girl like this in the first place -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t305236/. Men with strong self esteem and confidence don't fall for girls like this. There is a saying, water finds its own level. Just my opinion. I think the OP is kidding himself. You can accept a relationship is over, but if you truly love them it takes longer then 3 weeks to be so optimistic, no matter how strong you are..

 

I don't believe Von is as strong as he is making himself out to be or he never really loved this girl. Its one or the other.

 

Your hilarious. Of course I loved her, still do. You really dont know me well enough to assume im not strong enough. Most of the people who get all crazy about their ex had extreme emotions in the relationship. Our relationship was very good and even keeled. There was never any fighting or major problems. This was because I was a rebound.

 

Everyone heals at a different speed. You dont assume because im happy and good again that I didnt love her or regret the breakup. Im simply posting how it was for me, which is gunna be different for you.

 

And my choice in dating her was because of attraction, not my confidence and self-esteem level. That attraction is also what made me ignore the red flags in the beginning. Make sense?

[Von]

I agree, this is him lying to himself and not accepting his true feelings of the loss. When you don't accept your true feelings and suppress them, you begin to foster resentment. That resentment will grow and grow and grown until you finally acknowledge it and be true to yourself and your feelings instead of hiding behind them. Thats why a lot of people have SOOO Much rage at their ex's or themselves after a breakup. They have been suppressing their feelings for so long

 

Cmon wilson you preach what Im saying all day long. I kniw what your implying, that im in the denial stage. I simply passed it up because I knew I didnt deserve to get dumped. I didnt really cause much to make her leave. If I had id probably still be grieving. You of all people should be happy for me. The guy I talked to that helped flip the switch inside me is a mans man, and what he said made too much sense. And so I let my negative breakup emotions go.

[Von]

I think it's possible to get over quickly if your relationship was dying before it ended if you know what I mean (I don't know the OP's story) or was at a crossroads stage. But true, even then yes the crash is harder than the fall.

 

At 3 weeks I was still devouring the "get your ex back" books so that probably is too quick for anyone who loved to truly feel and live the OP. But I guess if it's your goal to follow this mindest then that would be a good start to healing quicker then dwellers.

 

I eventually got tired of being down and I had so many people telling me things like the OPs post that I started to believe the future might be better for me than the past and that was my motivation. But now I am trying to work on just appreciating now. I think I'm good as long as we don't cross paths because I'm not indifferent yet.

 

Ah see, thats the thing I devoured those books two years ago. So this time i knew what to expect. Alot of people on here I think grieve longer because their ex is feeding them string along breadcrumbs. I have had zero communication which has helped NC work for me.

[betterdeal]

Great post and thanks for sharing! It really is simple. If you had a car accident and broke some limbs, some people would be over the shock and onto the practical healing side of things in a week. Others would be scared of cars for years. It's no different with relationships. And saying that you're neither ready for a relationship nor tied to the last one is a key part of why I like your post - you are not behove to being in a relationship: you exist outside of relationships. That is what getting over a relationship break up aims for: not being defined by past, present or future relationships, but by who you are.

 

I'm glad to see someone sharing such. Good for you!

[lolita jade]

ah ha, everyone. There is your answer to your assuming Von is in denial etc.

 

He went through what we are going through 2 years ago and swatted up on it.

 

I think if I went through a break up after knowing what I know now, I would be writing the same as Von,

 

Like all experiences in life, we learn

[headsashed]

i disagree to an extent,ive been through many break ups and hurt enormously as have many other people but nothing ever changed,i hurt as much now as i did my other ex's,did i learn things from previous break ups? yes ofcourse i did but that never stopped me hurting. We hurt because we love that person,no matter what we do we still hurt, yes everyone is different and gets over break ups faster than others but 3 weeks seems a little short for me,im 10 weeks into mine and ive done just about everything i possibly could,and am i over her? no,far from it. The only way to get over someone is to get on with your life,simple as that,theres no tricks or anything,just do it. In 32 years ive had many BU's and ive done things differently each time as ive learnt things,but not once has it took me 3 weeks to get over someone,my opinion is he is in denial,maybe im wrong and he is over her,but as i said,its my opinion.

[Von]

Have you progressivly improved yourself over the course of your dating life? I know I have. Why is it I must dwell on the past and be in sorrow for you to believe me? I feel bad for you guys because i know ive been there, but this time I took the highest road I could. I would love to have my ex come back but look at what happened. She left me. She doesnt want me anymore. She went back to her ex. Why should I dwell on something out of my control? Screw that I moved on. I dont have it in me to suffer anymore. I have the knowledge now to be able to let go with courage and that will help me in my next relationship.

 

Im here to help you though. Im here to inspire you to get better. Im filling up my self-esteem pitcher. I want you to do the same

[twinkles]

I'm completely on Von's side. He's not in denial.

 

You don't stop loving the person you just love yourself more. You come to the point in life that when a relationship comes to an end it comes to an end. You don't question yourself about what you did wrong, what could I have done better. You know in your mind that you did everything right it was just the wrong person. You don't give up on love because you are optimistic for the future.This comes from experience and confidence in yourself.

 

Here is how I overcame my breakup. My boyfriend left me three or so weeks ago. Two days after he left I got a bad sink clog deep in the drain pipes. I used drano, liquid plumber, baking soda and vinegar a snake. I just kept telling myself you can do this you can do this. I told myself when you get this drain unclogged you will stop crying, stop thinking about him you will embrace your freedom. I worked and worked on that drain early in the morning and when I came home from work. Yesterday I finally got all that junk out of the pipes and today I feel like a new person. It took me 23 days to get this done. I gave myself a time limit to grieve and it's over now. Yesterday all I wanted was that drain to unclog because I just didn't want to feel like this anymore. I told myself when the water runs clean through the pipes all those bad feelings would run along with it.

Your mind is much more powerful than you think. Change your perception.

[fetish1980]

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

 

Not to attack the o/p or disrespect his perception anyway, but i agree with mack05 and several others that 3 weeks is not ample time enough to really be over an ex lover. If you are, you really didn't love her to begin with.

 

Grief works in some funny ways. One day it seems like you're the happiest you could ever be, almost to the point that you think you've forgotten about or better accepted that your ex is gone. Then another day, your feelings are in a trough, things just not as happy as they should seem. Sometimes a memory or a place might trigger those feelings. Even if you see your relationship dying before hand, it still doesn't make it any less painful.

 

If you're telling me that you've gone through all those emotions inside 21 days, i have to say that you need to wait a little bit longer. Maybe it hasn't hit you yet. I had a friend who passed away and the mother kept so busy during the first few weeks that she hadn't even stopped to cry yet. She let out her first cry 3 weeks later, after the funeral and all.

 

It's good to think yourself happy but allowing yourself ample time to grieve is also a necessary part of the process. I've been broken up for 9 months from my ex fiance and while i'm in a much better place now, i really can't say i'm completely over her. But i can say i have learned to love myself more and realize my own self worth. I have my good days and bad days.

 

fetish

Edited November 25, 2011 by fetish1980

[betterdeal]

If you are, you really didn't love her to begin with.

 

And who are you to judge what feelings someone has or had? What magical powers do you have to be able to deduce this fact that you state?

[Berlington Bob]

It's been 3 weeks for me too. I think a big thing that helped me and that seemed to help Von is that I called her the other day and just got some stuff off my chest. That break of NC really helped me. I have been getting better and better since I did that. When Von wrote his letter saying what he needed to say NC came naturally and he didnt have the feeling like he needed to say stuff.

 

Also I totally agree that having something like this happen to you prior helps immensely. I had a gf leave me for someone else before so I know 3 huge things that make it much easier this time:

 

1. I WILL get over it with time as much as I sometimes don't believe it.

2. I WILL find someone better.

3. This doesn't mean I am any less of a man or unattractive.

 

One thing that I find helps me mvoe on is that if I find I am telling someone something good about the ex like a story or a good quality she had I always end the story with "Too bad she turned out to be a whore"... It's kind of a humorus way to remind myself that the times we had were great but in the end she just wasn't marriage material.

 

Also, I think it helps me to remember how many times I thought about breaking up with her throughout the years and how I never really trusted her 100%. It helps when you get dumped if you were having at least a minor case of G.I.G.S. yourself...

Edited November 25, 2011 by Berlington Bob

[leoc1973]

hmm. Well when my ex dumped me I didn't care one bit! I was actually a little relieved. Funny the 3 week mark keeps coming up cause thats when it hit me! I went from ahh freedom to omg she's really gone! Then 4 months of just feeling like dying all the time I met a new girl that I really liked. I got to the point where I was actually looking foreward to seeing the new girl. Then my ex came around and I screwed things up with the new girl, its like my ex used some kind of ninja jedi mind trick on me. I went right back to missing her and feeling bad. Today I think I am finally getting to the indifferent point. Thanksgiving and instead of hoping to hear from her I was completely opposite I was hoping the phone didn't ring I was hoping I didn't get a text cause I didn't wanna deal with her if she started crying and missed me or whatever and it is almost like I am dreading her coming back to me now cause I wouldn't even know what to say. I am pretty horney so I might say yes but end up regretting it. lmao But yeah 3 weeks is too short either you had a really short relationship with this girl or it hasn't hit you yet.

[Von]

I value all your opinions. I hear what your saying. But just have some faith in what im saying is true. The relationship was only 6 months long. I think its normal given that amount of time to heal this quickly, KNoWiNG what ive learned from the past. Knowing how to use NC and what to do in this situation. And ON TOP of that, i have alot of confidence and self esteem that only took a temporary blow, and I love myself. Please give me some credit. Im doing really good.

 

Many of you are going through this for the first time. But what if you go through it again? Dont you think this knowledge is gunna help you in the future? It did for me so why cant it for you?

 

Anyways, I reconnected with a girl tonight from before my ex that we never got started. And you know what? I told her what happened with me and the ex. She was the one who said I seem ready to give us a proper try this time. I told Her its because im in a good place now and I do love who I am. I hung out with her and her son and we played dancing games on their wii and laughed and had fun. And before i left she walked me to my truck and we held each other and kissed and it felt right. It doesnt feel like a rebound or an illusion. She is stable, in every way, she is my age, and she has no baby daddy drama. She has a good job and her own house and I cant think of any negatives or red flags to prevent something happening. I learned a huge lesson from my ex, and that is that I know now how to have a happy healthy relationship and I can bring that knowledge forward with her. And if it doesnt work out? Well then it wasnt meant to be and I can let go even easier. And ill be back here posting about it so someone else can relate. Just wish me luck and listen to what ive said because its the truth.

[lolita jade]

I wish you luck Von!!

 

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

 

It has taken bee two months to accept after a 25 year marriage. I guess that is quick too but it is all about finding a way to cope/ get over it. There comes a point when you have to stop dwelling. Going on this site too much will focus all your energy on you ex. We all need to concentrate on ourselves and get out there and live the rest of our very short lives.

 

I have come to the point where I like to chat to people who are at the same point in my break up on here to keep me uplifted and help me move on.

 

[Mack05]

I value all your opinions. I hear what your saying. But just have some faith in what im saying is true. The relationship was only 6 months long. I think its normal given that amount of time to heal this quickly, KNoWiNG what ive learned from the past. Knowing how to use NC and what to do in this situation. And ON TOP of that, i have alot of confidence and self esteem that only took a temporary blow, and I love myself. Please give me some credit. Im doing really good.

 

Many of you are going through this for the first time. But what if you go through it again? Dont you think this knowledge is gunna help you in the future? It did for me so why cant it for you?

 

Anyways, I reconnected with a girl tonight from before my ex that we never got started. And you know what? I told her what happened with me and the ex. She was the one who said I seem ready to give us a proper try this time. I told Her its because im in a good place now and I do love who I am. I hung out with her and her son and we played dancing games on their wii and laughed and had fun. And before i left she walked me to my truck and we held each other and kissed and it felt right. It doesnt feel like a rebound or an illusion. She is stable, in every way, she is my age, and she has no baby daddy drama. She has a good job and her own house and I cant think of any negatives or red flags to prevent something happening. I learned a huge lesson from my ex, and that is that I know now how to have a happy healthy relationship and I can bring that knowledge forward with her. And if it doesnt work out? Well then it wasnt meant to be and I can let go even easier. And ill be back here posting about it so someone else can relate. Just wish me luck and listen to what ive said because its the truth.

 

So let me get this straight, you have left one girl with kids for another girl with a kid? I think Wilsonx has a statement "Captain save a hoe". Right now that is who you are. To me a woman with a kid with no daddy on the scene (is that right?). To me this is a red flag. Read people like stunned1865 story. I have read so many stories (including your own) where women with kid(s) just up and leave for little reason. When they meet the guy they give the impression 'you' are different, that 'you' are their savior and that 'you' are amazing. Von you need to watch out for these signs. There are normally reasons, valid reasons why the father is not on the scene. I'm sure she will tell you he is the biggest loser ever, but two things to take note of 1) Why was she ever with him in the first place 2) There are 3 sides to every story. Hers, his and the actual truth. I am not aware how well you know her and her kid, but if this is the first time meeting the kid this is another red flag. A responsible mother should only introduce a man to her child, when she knows the relationship is serious and the man is a good role model.

 

The reason you seem to move on so quick in my opinion, is not because you are a super confident strong guy (I dont know you, to say either way). It is because, you don't take your time to reflect and absorb a loss. To grieve in the correct way. Grieving takes time. Dealing with your feelings takes time. Listen, this is just my opinion. Its also the opinion of my therapist and any expert I have read on the subject of relationships. Grieving someone you really love takes time, no matter how much you love yourself..You are just putting your feelings aside and trying to convince yourself that you are 'great'. Feelings are like weeds. If you dont deal with them correctly, they grow out of control. I don't believe you are dealing with your feelings and loss in the correct way. Most people in this thread are on your side and thats great. After all its a forum. I don't mean to offend, just offer a different prespective, a different opinion even if it is unpopular.

 

I see alot of me in you..You seem to have codepedent traits. You want to believe you are a guy with high self esteem, but are you?Your actions suggest otherwise. You are making the exact same mistake again, can you not see it? So if this relationship fails will you just say "I am great and its all her fault"? I did that. Kidded myself for years after every major breakup. I believe that is what you are doing now. Kidding yourself. It's fine to love yourself, but you also need to learn from mistakes and past relationships. If you don't this self esteem you talk about will erode away, without you even noticing. Saying I am great and its her loss,"next!" is not the correct way to move on. Just as crying on your pillow every night for 1 year, is not the correct way to move on. There is a balance (this is what I have read from authors who have sold millions of books and I happen to agree strongly with this). According to Susan J Elliot, author of getting past your breakup the correct amount of time you should grieve a relationship is 60 days. Now of course its different for everyone, but she had a guide in the book on what you need to do for those 60 days. I found it very beneficial.

 

I would bet you any amount of money this relationship has no chance of long term success. If this new relationship doesn't work out, you already know you will be over it/her in 3 weeks or less? Really? I mean in this thread you have said you still love your ex, yet it felt right when kissing the new girl!? That right there makes no sense to me. I don't believe you have learnt any lessons from the previous R and that you are making the exact same mistake. Your last relationship was "happy and healthy" yet she left and you are fine in 3 weeks. This just doesn't add up for me. Right now you are not dealing with your emotions and people that don't deal with their emotions correctly end up in rebound scenario's. You know how many rebounders say "This doesn't feel like a rebound". Of course it doesn't! Rebounders tend to kid themselves. Anything to have to avoid that uncomfortable feeling of being alone and facing their grief/feelings. Von, you just can't see what's happening here. I am going to leave your thread as there is no point in going back and forth with you, as neither of our opinions will change. Even though I hope I am wrong, I truly believe time will prove me right on this.

 

It's about meeting the right woman for you and giving yourself the best chance of success. Not moving from woman to woman saying "I am awesome, her loss" after every breakup (with little reflection) repeating the same mistakes along the way..I really don't think your way of doing things works in the long run, no matter how much you love yourself..Just my opinion

Edited November 25, 2011 by Mack05