How I got over her so quickly

[betterdeal]

Susan J Elliot is just a person, her book is just her expressing how she's dealt with the world. She has no universal truth to reveal. She's just like the rest of us. If her book inspires you and you agree with some or even all of it, good for you, but it is no more The Truth than the Koran or the Bible are. The 60 day period she mentions is completely arbitrary, determined by observing a tiny subset of humanity.

 

I can give you plenty of examples of people who have swung from tree to tree and don't take a break between lovers who are now happy, settled and stable, contrary to Elliot's assertions. What concerns me, Mack05, is that you and others sound upset by someone who doesn't fit in with your new view of the world, as though their statements are a heresy. What has really changed in your way of dealing with the world? Have you really moved on from trying to warp reality to fit your constructs as you were previously or have you merely replaced the constructs with new ones? A new world order, but fundamentally same sh*t, different toilet?

 

Von, best of luck and thanks for sharing with us an insight into a part your process, your journey in life. If life is about enjoyment, you appear to have found a way to achieve that, which is what most people who come to this site are looking for, right?

[Mack05]

What concerns me, Mack05, is that you and others sound upset by someone who doesn't fit in with your new view of the world, as though their statements are a heresy. What has really changed in your way of dealing with the world? Have you really moved on from trying to warp reality to fit your constructs as you were previously or have you merely replaced the constructs with new ones? A new world order, but fundamentally same sh*t, different toilet?

Brilliant...I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about..

 

Anyway..

 

Better deal I dont agree with the OP (or you for that matter) on this issue, and I firmly believe he is kidding himself. It's up to others to agree or disagree, afterall it is a forum. I feel I have made my point well, you don't agree. I have no problem with that. LS users can read both sides and determine who they feel is right on the issue. Some agree with Von and as you have seen some don't.

 

His life may turn out perfect and his way of dealing with things may prove correct for him. That doesn't mean it is right for everybody and I understand this. I am just giving an alternative view. Whether people agree or disagree it is up to them. If things work out great for him, good luck to the lad. If it doesn't, he can look at this thread (which is a very good one) and maybe take a different approach. Only time will tell.

Edited November 25, 2011 by Mack05

[twinkles]

Mack..

 

You see a kid with no dad around as a red flag. Really?

 

I was with a man who had sole custody of his child. There is certainly enough room in my heart for a motherless child.

 

Maybe the men had issues and left her, maybe he was a drunk or an addict maybe he beat her. Maybe she did right by leaving the man.

 

You don't judge someone because of their past. It is what you can add to their future.. if they are willing to accept it.

 

I think you are projecting with Von. You come across as a mean, bitter, angry person. Not a judgement..an observation.

 

Of course your shrink will tell you it takes a long to grieve..they need to keep you as a patient.

 

I still like Von's view. I find it uplifting and most people here would rather be lifted than be continually dragged through the mud of misery.

[JohnP82]

Yeah, I'm not into judging this guy if he says that he is over his ex so soon then good for him. People move at different paces. I loved my ex and I'm not completely over her yet. She didn't love me and is already with with her "friend" from when we were together.

[Mack05]

Mack..

 

You see a kid with no dad around as a red flag. Really?

 

I was with a man who had sole custody of his child. There is certainly enough room in my heart for a motherless child.

 

Maybe the men had issues and left her, maybe he was a drunk or an addict maybe he beat her. Maybe she did right by leaving the man.

 

You don't judge someone because of their past. It is what you can add to their future.. if they are willing to accept it.

 

I think you are projecting with Von. You come across as a mean, bitter, angry person. Not a judgement..an observation.

 

Of course your shrink will tell you it takes a long to grieve..they need to keep you as a patient.

 

I still like Von's view. I find it uplifting and most people here would rather be lifted than be continually dragged through the mud of misery.

 

I am not mean, bitter or angry and I am certainly not projecting. I have an opinion, its up to you to agree with it or in this case disagree with it. I wont stoop as low as you and insult you back. That is not what this forum is about. I am sure there are amazing single mothers/fathers out there and I dont want to go down that route, as we are going off topic.

 

I like uplifting posts, I just believe the OP is kidding himself. That doesn't mean I am projecting, or it makes me a bad person..

[twinkles]

When you use the words "won't stoop as low" you are insulting me. You are calling me low.

 

I don't ride high on a horse Mack these two feet are placed firmly on the ground.

 

Sometimes people see things in you that you fail to see in yourself. Like I said no judgement and certainly no insult intended just an observation.

 

Life doesn't read like a book.

[betterdeal]

Brilliant...I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about..

 

Anyway..

 

Better deal I dont agree with the OP (or you for that matter) on this issue, and I firmly believe he is kidding himself. It's up to others to agree or disagree, afterall it is a forum. I feel I have made my point well, you don't agree. I have no problem with that. LS users can read both sides and determine who they feel is right on the issue. Some agree with Von and as you have seen some don't.

 

His life may turn out perfect and his way of dealing with things may prove correct for him. That doesn't mean it is right for everybody and I understand this. I am just giving an alternative view. Whether people agree or disagree it is up to them. If things work out great for him, good luck to the lad. If it doesn't, he can look at this thread (which is a very good one) and maybe take a different approach. Only time will tell.

 

I know how public discussions work, thanks. Others can agree, disagree, have mixed feelings, come to previously unmentioned conclusions, form no opinion at all - do what they like, really. Your post comes across as quite binary - people can either agree (1) or disagree (0); his life may turn out perfect (1) or imperfect (0) which, in the overused vernacular, is black and white thinking, right?

[Mack05]

Oopps post on wrong thread...

 

I wish I wasnt back posting here, other than helpful advice, but now its my turn again.

 

I met my girl about two years ago. That relationship never got started, as she said that at that time she wasnt ready for one. Fast forward to early this year and we met up again and started dating. When we met again, she was pregnant with another mans baby. I talked to her alot about this, since that is a huge red flag, and our attraction for each other and our talks alleviated my concerns of her running back to the father. Basically she had dumped him before she knew she was pregnant, and she said she had no feelings for him whatsoever. I never had any inclination that she would go back to him, even up to the breakup. Anyways, I stood by her during the pregnancy, was there for the birth, helped pick the baby name, we never fought once, I was good to her and her daughters, we were just great together and it was fun, pretty much a perfect relationship from start to end.

 

During this time we never really had any "discussions" of concerns. But I thought she wasnt going to have the father in the picture at all, yet she decided to let him see the baby a week after birth. When I raised concerns about this is when she told me that I was the greatest man she ever had, she fell in love with me when I held the baby (I loved the baby instantly btw), he was of no concern, and that I was the man she wanted to marry. I had already been feeling in love with her but this cemented it for us. So everything was great up to this week.

 

An old friend started coming back around, who she had dated in the past, but she swore was just a friend. I raised concerns about him since he had been trying to get with her when we first started talking, but she said it was just friends, he has a girlfriend, and I shouldnt be jealous. I didnt think I was "acting jealous" but was just questioning his motives, and just didnt want anything coming between us. She said it was all innocent and so I trusted her and everything was cool. It was a really normal conversation.

 

Later on, she told me out of the blue she was going to be going back to a job she had years ago. It is a night schedule. Instead of immediately being supportive of what she decided to do, I question her about it, and when we would have time to see each other, and the babies, and her school. I didnt think it would be a big deal to talk to her about these things, its normal in a long term relationship to voice your opinion and find compromises, but she said she's never had to have any "talks" in any of her past relationships. SO she wasnt too happy with me about our talks but everything still seeemed fine. The next day I told her that I wanted her to know we had those talks because I truely love her and think she is special and the woman I want to spend my life with. Well she started to say her feelings had kinda changed. SHe said she is not used to having talks. So naturally I started freaking out inside. But I kept my cool. I let her know she should think about us and see how she feels and if we should continue. I ended up texting her and telling her that I didnt want us to breakup or anything, just want to work out any issues.

 

AND THEN WITHIN A FEW HOURS SHE CALLED ME AND DUMPED ME. I was totally devastated. I coudnt understand how she could do this to me, seeing as we had such a loving good relationship, and I thought talking about things were so normal. She said she just couldnt work on things, and didnt want to try, and that "this is what she does, she just runs". I tried to reason with her, and would do everything I could to help her through her issues, and I told her how I felt. She just kept saying she runs. She said a bunch of typical break-up lines.. like "Im not good enough for you" "you deserve a better woman" "I dont want anymore babies and you do" "I dont have enough time for us" "I just cant do this anymore". It was so cold hearted and quick and she didnt seem very remorseful other than she kept saying "sorry". Ive read many times that those lines typically mean there is another guy. I asked if there was and she said no.

 

I did send her an email before deleting her from my facebook. That I was sorry for seeming jealous and insecure in our talks, that I wasnt trying to put any pressure or stress on her, anything other than talk about things I felt were important to our relationship. I let her know how I felt about her, and that I wasnt trying to get her back, because I respected her decision but that I wish we could be together. I said I would do my best to move on and continue to be be the good man that I am. I have been in NC since then.

 

It seems to me, that with emotions from giving birth, and the stress she has had, and then me wanting to have "talks", pushed her over the edge and made her lose her love instantly. I also believe that her ex the father has been probably trying to get back with her. I dont believe the guy friend was involved, just the father. She seems to be emotionally immature, and I wish I had seen this before I fell in love and got my heart ripped out.

 

I read the thread by wilsonx on "I am no longer attracted to you". And the "grass is greener syndrome". And it makes sense to me. She said she had a broken messed up childhood. And she runs and doesnt want to have talks.

 

Even though she left me, and she seems to be GIGS, I do love her and do wish we could still be together and I could help her. I'm in NC now because I dont know what else to do

 

Twinkles this is Von's post from 3 weeks ago. It is my opinion that an emotionally healthy man does not get involved with the kind of woman Von describes above (a red flag fest). This does not make me a bad or angry man. It is just my opinion. He is now 'potentially' getting involved with another single mother. Probably (just a guess) a bad childhood too. I guess it's just me and a few others that see a pattern here. I believe there is a pattern, because he is not learning from past mistakes. To me his original post is a bunch of positive cliches which we already know about (or should know about). Love yourself, positive self image, good self esteem. I have no problem with positive posts, but I believe you can't get over someone you love (and their kids) in 3 weeks. Especially given the past behaviour and trends he has shown.

 

As for betterdeal, I have never got where u are coming from. I find some of your posting bizarre. Listen, I will leave this thread as I have made my points. Up to you guys to take what you want from the thread. I hope things work out for Von. That makes me neither bitter or angry..

Edited November 25, 2011 by Mack05

[PelicanPete]

Alright. Tried to resist, but gotta give my 2 cents here.

 

I believe Von is over his ex. He may not be completely over his ex, but he is over the relationship enough to come to the advanced conclusions he reached in his OP. Here are my premises:

 

The OP of this thread was all focused around him. His experience, his feelings, his ideas, and his perceptions. Not once did he focus on insulting or blaming his ex or anything outside of himself. This shows hes passed grieving and anger, and is working on acceptance.

 

He also mentioned, that he did a lot of "soul searching" and self improvement before he started having a relationship with you know who. That tells me that he didn't have to try to climb up from rock bottom like most people when the person they loved sent them off. He was already happy and confident with who he was! Even though it only took me ~3 months to move on from my 4 year relationship, the longest part of moving on was rebuilding my identity to make me love myself again.

 

The other point are the conclusions themselves he came to. A person still grieving from the loss of their ex wouldn't be able to come up with those tips and the analogy about affirmations.I also agree with the idea of "real men dont get phased by breakups" to an extent. You can knit pick about the details like "what is a real man" or "if they don't get phased by losing a person they love, they probably didn't love them", but the general idea of the phrase is that if you already love yourself, are happy with who you are, and happy with your life, the break up isn't going to hurt you as much. It isn't going to be the end of the world, and you aren't going to crumble into a million pieces, because the relationship you had wasn't the definition of who you were. I know I made that mistake with my relationship, but she was my first love. I'm young, I learned my lesson, and I'm never going to let myself become crushed like that ever again.

 

As for his previous post that was linked, it was 3 weeks ago. Hindsight is always 20/20, we all make mistakes, etc.. Someone who is emotionally healthy isn't always going to make the "right" choice, all that matters is that he made the choice that was right to him. I don't know him, I'm not going to pretend to know him, so I'm not one to judge his decisions.

 

So anyway, Von, well done. Hope you come across a better girl in the future that'll knock your socks off.

[wilsonx]

You know I said to myself after von responded to my post you are full of crap von, no possible way. Then I said to myself bet you there's a rebound there. Sure enough there is an emotional crutch.

 

You found somebody that supplements your emotional need not compliments it. This is not confidence, this is codependence. The proof in this is you told this new girl your story. If you were confident, you would have let it go and never brought it up to her. You're allowed to do what ever you want, but font come on this forum post good information and say you're over it in 3 weeks. I've had way more relationships then you man and they all hurt the same and for the same amount of time

Edited November 25, 2011 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

It's easy to say you're oversome body when you're under someone else. Ask Mike588 and the other people that were rebounded on. Ask him what happened after that

Edited November 25, 2011 by wilsonx

[wilsonx]

Very good post flourescent...you hit the nail on the head of a real man.

 

Welcome to loveshack

[geegirl]

"real men dont get phased by breakups"

 

A real man is one with emotional depth, awareness and sensitivity. A man who does not get phased by breakups is not a real man. He is essentially an empty shell or someone who finds "emotional crutches" because he is too afraid to deal with his emotions.

Edited November 25, 2011 by geegirl

[betterdeal]

A real man is one with emotional depth, awareness and sensitivity. A man who does not get phased by breakups is not a real man. He is essentially an empty shell or someone who finds "emotional crutches" because he is too afraid to deal with his emotions.

 

Is he therefore an imaginary man?

 

There are millions upon millions of people who get over their breakups quickly. They don't come here because, well, they don't need to seek solace or advice to fix something that isn't broken.

[geegirl]

Is he therefore an imaginary man?

 

I'm noting the validity of a statement based on what a "real man" means to me.

 

Yes, there are people who get over their breakups quickly. But it's a matter of how they do it. Wilson said it best. Getting under someone to get over someone. In my opinion, that's just an emotional crutch. Hardly a healthy way of getting over someone. It's just a masking. Those disagreeing with Von, are just stating the obvious. He doesn't have to eat it with a biscuit and digest it, if he doesn't want to. He can just choose to ignore the opinions of others, on a public forum, that don't coincide with his feelings or thoughts.

Edited November 25, 2011 by geegirl

[lolita jade]

This has turned into a debate that has gone off on a tangent.

 

All Von was trying to do was give everyones tips on how to get over your break up,

 

Why are people slating him. We don't know him from Adam!

[betterdeal]

I do wonder why you and Mack feel the need to spell out how discussions work.

 

The term "real men" is a loaded one. I know the OP introduced it, and I think it's rubbish. Real men have a Y chromosome.

 

As for getting back on a horse as best remedy for falling off one getting under someone to get over someone, there's a presumption in your belief that this latest lover has to be until death us do part to be considered successful. It doesn't. It can be fun for a while and scratch an itch, and that's it. If he doesn't get upset if / when it ends, what's the problem? If his life is rich enough for him and his ego strong, the end of a job / friendship / romance may be a shame for a short while, but not something that cripples him. Again, where's the problem?

[wilsonx]

This has turned into a debate that has gone off on a tangent.

 

All Von was trying to do was give everyones tips on how to get over your break up,

 

Why are people slating him. We don't know him from Adam!

 

His tips were good, we called him out on his own self and the false hope that you can recover from a long term breakup in 3 weeks

[geegirl]

I do wonder why you and Mack feel the need to spell out how discussions work.

 

The term "real men" is a loaded one. I know the OP introduced it, and I think it's rubbish. Real men have a Y chromosome.

 

As for getting back on a horse as best remedy for falling off one getting under someone to get over someone, there's a presumption in your belief that this latest lover has to be until death us do part to be considered successful. It doesn't. It can be fun for a while and scratch an itch, and that's it. If he doesn't get upset if / when it ends, what's the problem? If his life is rich enough for him and his ego strong, the end of a job / friendship / romance may be a shame for a short while, but not something that cripples him. Again, where's the problem?

 

No one is spelling out how discussions work. You seem to want to debate the opinions of other posters to the OP or if it's just an opinion. It's up to the OP to decide how he needs to decipher posts directed at him. Not you.

Edited November 25, 2011 by geegirl

[betterdeal]

No one is spelling out how discussions work. You seem to want to debate the opinions of other posters to the OP or if it's just an opinion. It's up to the OP to decide how he needs to decipher posts directed at him. Not you.

 

It's an open forum and people, including yourself, interject all the time. Don't pretend you don't respond to posts not addressed to you.

[geegirl]

It's an open forum and people, including yourself, interject all the time. Don't pretend you don't respond to posts not addressed to you.

 

It is an open forum to discuss opinions. You don't have to tell me how "discussions work." I post to disagree or express. But I state it as a personal opinion. I don't debate it (as is what it's now turned out to be). You do.

 

I won't engage with you anymore. What seemed to be a personal opinion on what "real men" are, that I wanted to share has turned into a "discussion" with you that I don't care to have anymore.

Edited November 26, 2011 by geegirl

[geegirl]

You come across so obnoxious and condescending Betterdeal. As if we are unwelcome guests here in your home or something. Another thing a 'real man' doesn't do is use a girl with a kid to "scratch an itch". Maybe you are right betterdeal and the majority of us are wrong. I know your type. Always have to have an 'alternative' viewpoint, always have to go away from the grain, the need be seperated from the crowd. You are probably one of these people that doesn't believe in evolution. No matter how much the evidence points to the contraordinary. There are people that love the sound of their own voice. You come across as a person; who believes in his own hype WAY too much. Who 'tries' to come across as highly educated, behind some 'fancy dan' use of the English language. Who tries badly (from what I have read of your posts) to psychoanalyse people he has never even met. Let me tell you something, just because better deal says its right, doesn't make it so..All you are my friend is kissy lips and fancy trainers..

 

Only hours ago I said to another poster, "Betterdeal is the guy that tries to sound smart with his fancy play on words. Likes to hear himself." You articulated my feelings perfectly. I thought I was the only one that saw through that.

Edited November 26, 2011 by geegirl

[PelicanPete]

Those who knit picked tend to miss the big picture right in front of their face. This thread is the perfect example.

 

 

1. OP: "I'm over my ex, I'm walking the walk and talking the talk." Posters: "No you aren't, you've only been out of the relationship for 3 weeks"

 

It doesn't matter how long it has been, as long as you aren't pining over your ex anymore. As it was mentioned earlier, would any of you really start judging his feelings if he hadn't said how long ago his break up was? No, probably not. Why? Because he is demonstrating that he has moved on with his thoughts and actions. What more do you want?

 

2. "Betterdeal is the guy that tries to sound smart with his fancy play on words. Likes to hear himself."

 

Betterdeal loves finding and using new words to describe his thoughts. You can dish out the ad hominems, but does that really mean what he's saying is invalid? Of course not. No one tackled his actual argument:

 

there's a presumption in your belief that this latest lover has to be until death us do part to be considered successful. It doesn't. It can be fun for a while and scratch an itch, and that's it. If he doesn't get upset if / when it ends, what's the problem? If his life is rich enough for him and his ego strong, the end of a job / friendship / romance may be a shame for a short while, but not something that cripples him. Again, where's the problem?

 

The reason why is that there is no problem. It's more of a problem for Loveshack rather than him. He's already happy and has found someone else. He already did all the time consuming soul searching and confidence boosting before that relationship. The only problem here is people trying to make everyone fit every individual into the same mold. As for BD's vocabulary, that's your problem not his. Sorry if his wordplay makes you feel insecure.

 

And finally, for those who quoted only a fragment of my OP and missed completely what I said.

 

3.

I also agree with the idea of "real men dont get phased by breakups" to an extent. You can knit pick about the details like "what is a real man" or "if they don't get phased by losing a person they love, they probably didn't love them", but the general idea of the phrase is that if you already love yourself, are happy with who you are, and happy with your life, the break up isn't going to hurt you as much. It isn't going to be the end of the world, and you aren't going to crumble into a million pieces, because the relationship you had wasn't the definition of who you were.

 

Holy smokes .

[wilsonx]

3.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PelicanPete

I also agree with the idea of "real men dont get phased by breakups" to an extent. You can knit pick about the details like "what is a real man" or "if they don't get phased by losing a person they love, they probably didn't love them", but the general idea of the phrase is that if you already love yourself, are happy with who you are, and happy with your life, the break up isn't going to hurt you as much. It isn't going to be the end of the world, and you aren't going to crumble into a million pieces, because the relationship you had wasn't the definition of who you were.

 

Holy smokes .

This is almost narcissism. Your holy smokes comment goes on to prove it. I will promise you, you will never succeed in a long term relationship with that mentality.

 

Women want a guy that is vulnerable (means he has emotions but is responsible for dealing with them himself... like fluorescent said... being in tune). They dont want somebody that has a God complex, loving themselves and can walk away from a breakup unscathed. This means you did not connect with them emotionally, and it really was not a real relationship

 

Did you know in their purest form anger and sadness are positive emotions with essential information on how you want to live your life. People think anger and sadness as negative emotions because they make us feel uncomfortable but its is this discomfort that is emotions greatest gift. The discomfort of anger and sadness say something needs to change. To those that are not in tune with their emotions and ignore the so called "negative" emotions, the emotions build up and transform into rage, resentment, depression and resignation and leaving people feeling stuck and hopeless(Does this sound like anybody that has ever posted on these forums? HMMMM). So when you hide these emotions or fake it until you make it, your actually doing yourself a great injustice.

 

Do you even know how to achieve what you posted pelicanpete? How do you love yourself and become happy with your life?

Edited November 26, 2011 by wilsonx

[PelicanPete]

Thinking of yourself first in a relationship isn't narcissism I'm afraid. It's called common sense.

 

What is that main rule about relationships again? It goes something along the lines of "Relationships are meant to enhance your life, not complete it." Von demonstrated that.

 

You can never truly begin to love or understand someone until you love and understand yourself. If you don't even love yourself, how can you except someone else to love you? Loving yourself in fact is a requirement towards a healthy relationship.

 

So from what I get from your post, is that if you're not suppose to love who you are in a relationship? And you're making the spineless judgement that I'm not going to succeed in long term relationships, because I'm somewhat of a narcissist?

 

Just because you love who you are, doesn't mean you can't connect emotionally with people. In fact it only lets you understand them better, because you're able to focus more on satisfying their needs, rather then your own, because you've already met yours. I never said losing a person you love wouldn't hurt, but it wouldn't be as devastating if you made that person a part of your own mental identity.

 

Not to mention, everyone seems to be missing this very important key point that Von stated in his OP:

 

For starters, long before I met my ex I had taken the time to really work on myself, my confidence and self esteem, my humor and personality, and mostly I matured alot. Im about to turn 35 (though I think I look 25 haha). The biggest thing that happened before my ex is I came to love myself. I love who I am. I think im a great person. This pre work I did really helped. Not to mention Id been through so many breakups That I have an understanding of the process.*

 

He's already intune with himself and who he is. If he wasn't he wouldn't bounce back so fast. I've seen people fake it before, and they've never written anything close to this. He's not only already confident and happy with who he is, but he's already got experience with the break up song and dance because he's 35!

 

Work with what people give you first before trying to pull some Simon Baker mentalist crap based off assumption. Not only do you not even know the OP personally, but it's insulting to be judged as a whole by one action.

 

Do you even know how to achieve what you posted pelicanpete? How do you love yourself and become happy with your life? Teach us?

 

It's not an achievement, it's an ongoing process that changes over time. I love who I am because I made myself into a person I love, and I am happy with my life because I made it a life I want to live. That's as broad as I can put it.