How I got over her so quickly

[betterdeal]

Thanks, Pete. I'll not apologise for using a wider vocabulary than some, nor for loving words and my own voice. It is precisely this lack of ego-strength (aka self-esteem) in not loving our own voice or having the words to express ourselves that got a lot of people who post here a lot into a long, deep depression after a fairly run of the mill life event such as splitting up with a lover.

 

If you're one of those people, your life will be better if you do the work to change it such that you do like the sound of your own voice and you do consider and use words to suit, to express yourself. The OP appears not to be one, and is happy. So changing himself now would seem unnecessary.

 

And I think this is what the OP was offering to people: this stuff works! Feel good about your life, and the next break up will not hurt half as much as the last, and by virtue of that knowledge, you're less likely to have a break up at all. Note, he had a relatively clean break. Say goodbyes (or f*ck you, whichever is right for the moment), grieve the loss, move on. No dicking around trying to reconcile whilst still unhappy, hurt or fearful. How many of us can, in hindsight, see that making a clean break of it earlier would have saved us a lot of the trauma? Most, I'd suspect.

[Von]

Wow. I came back to check on how the discussion was going and Im really impressed. I respect all of your opinions. But pelican pete hit the nail on the head, I dont think I could have articulated my thoughts so well.

 

Yes, my past knowledge and work really prepared me for the ending outcome. It was extremely helpfull to know what to do during and after a breakup. Im mature enough to feel and know my own emotions, and Im telling you guys that my happyness comes from within. I dont need someone else there to be happy. I just want to share it with the right person. I hope my ex can someday get over her issues and be truely happy, because at this time I dont think she is. But i am. Maybe thats why it wasnt that hard to let go of that past relationship. Because we were not on the same level INSiDE.

 

As far as how love works for me, I can love someone and have room for others. I love my mom, myself, my ex, my friends, kids Ive had in my life, so theres plenty of room for more. I dont have to limit myself to only loving one person at a time, for me personally, that would be very limiting.

 

I do love my ex and wish the best for her. But thats not going to stop me from finding love again for another woman. On top of what i already mentioned about the new girl, her son is 15, and the father was never really there. It was a one night stand all those years ago. The father is married and has new kids, and only came back into his life a few years ago as more of a friend. So this is not a "capt save a hoe" type deal. Im dont need to save her from anything, she is perfectly healthy on her own. i think this one will work out. Esecially since we both agreed to take it slow. Had another great night with her tonight and I got the seal of approval from one of her girlfriends. Fair enough :-)

 

Some of you may doubt what I originally said, but I dont. Feel Free to take it with however much grains of salt you want

[iPhone]

So you got over a girl in 3 weeks and have jumped into a new ones arms? What are you taking slow again?

 

 

In any case, I back psychology, and psychology doesn't back you, Von.

 

If you EVER loved her, you wouldn't be over her in 3 weeks. Believe me, I surely love myself to the point I once questioned the possibility of narcissism, and I surely didn't get over ANY real relationship in ANYWHERE close to 3 weeks.

 

I'm not one for teams, but I'd side with what Fluorescent said above. Anyone who thinks they got over someone they loved in 3 weeks is blinder than any bat flying into a wall somewhere on this planet right now.

 

That "capt save a hoe" comment had some relevance; not because this new girl is a hoe, but because you are INDEED the captain... of an impending ship wreck.

Edited November 26, 2011 by iPhone

[geegirl]

2. "Betterdeal is the guy that tries to sound smart with his fancy play on words. Likes to hear himself."

 

Betterdeal loves finding and using new words to describe his thoughts. You can dish out the ad hominems, but does that really mean what he's saying is invalid?

 

It's my personal observation and characterization of Betterdeal as to how he delivers and presents on LS, in general. I was agreeing with Fluorescent's shared view. My statement had nothing to do with whether his opinions are valid or not. Two separate issues.

Edited November 26, 2011 by geegirl

[wilsonx]

For those of you that need further proof of this train wreck, join date Sep 2009, 2 year relationship. Hmmm I'm questioning, there's a pattern here. Hey look same pattern quickly rebounding right into another captain save a hoe relationship kids and all.

 

Von you can do whatever you want to do. You're showing a pattern man. I can call you out on your bull**** because you lie to yourself the same way my dad has been lying to himself for the past 20 years. The problem here is you are unable to look outside the box and look in the mirror.

 

There's a reason every single dating and break up book says wait a year after a long term relalationship before dating again. It's o give you time to process your feelings. Everybody knows it but pelican and betterdeal go against not only common sense but proven logic .

Edited November 26, 2011 by wilsonx

[oldshirt]

I have just read the first post and a few of the follow up posts so forgive me if this has all been hashed out already.

 

I think this is an excellant post and I was I had known and done all of those things back in my youth when I had been dumped (or even as the dumper also)

 

I also do not think Von is being unrealistic or kidding himself. All he has said is that he is dealing with the breakup in a healthy and self-preserving fashion.

 

He has not denied that he was hurt or that he took an impact, just simply that he was healing effectively.

 

Moving on with your life and dealing with a break effectively does not mean that you did not love the other person or that you were not hurt deeply by the relationship ending.

 

It means that you are not letting it CONTINUE to cause ADDITIONAL pain and destruction or cause you to lose faith in yourself or allow yourself to wallow in despair or to cause you to do things that will humiliate yourself.

[Mack05]

For those of you that need further proof of this train wreck, join date Sep 2009, 2 year relationship. Hmmm I'm questioning, there's a pattern here. Hey look same pattern quickly rebounding right into another captain save a hoe relationship kids and all.

 

Von you can do whatever you want to do. You're showing a pattern man. I can call you out on your bull**** because you lie to yourself the same way my dad has been lying to himself for the past 20 years. The problem here is you are unable to look outside the box and look in the mirror.

 

There's a reason every single dating and break up book says wait a year after a long term relalationship before dating again. It's o give you time to process your feelings. Everybody knows it but pelican and betterdeal go against not only common sense but proven logic .

 

I don't always agree with Wilson, but he is one of the posters I respect most on LS. Especially now since Geegirl says there is no way she will marry me . Read the below threads created by Von. The strong confident man he wants/protrays himself to be, is an act in my opinion to hide a myriad of insecurities and self doubt within himself. Its easier to fool oneself, then to face and confront inner demons. I could attach alot more threads, but you should get my drift.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203650/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260954/ (look at the difference of attitude in 11 months. Look how easily 'the real man' was set back)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283558/ (this thread was in June THIS YEAR. Read the replies...Seriously what kind of strong healthy man would even REMOTELY consider getting involved with a woman like this?)..This thread is as much evidence as I can give you to back up our arguments..You couldn't figure out the plainly obvious. Right now if you were self aware, a big bright RED flag would be appearing just in front of your face.

 

Von just cause there is no father on the scene with the new girl, doesn't make the situation or the type of relationship any different. You can't tell sh! t after two dates. Can you not see the pattern!!???I am sorry if I am harsh but this is my honest opinion. I see some of myself in Von. Codepedent nice guy with a good heart. I also see some of the same flaws, so I feel I can relate/comment on Von's situation. I couldn't care less if Betterdeal agrees/disagrees or analyses the f&uk out of me. I have no respect for the guy, so his opinion of me means absolutely nothing.

 

The main reason I don't post here anymore is because like Von I was talking the talk and like Von I wasn't walking the walk. So what do I mean by that. Preaching about self esteem, the correct way of dealing with a break up, loving yourself, positive self image. I posted the same type of threads since May on LS (do a search for me Von). Within my own life, I was trying to convince myself I was a strong secure man and was doing a good job of it. Thats what the experts say you need to do. I didn't feel I was in denial. Not even in the slightest. I believed in everything that I was posting on this website. Afterall, I had done 4 hard months of Therapy, gym work, read many self help books. Did all the things 'the experts' recommended. I felt I was giving advice and preaching the lessons I had learnt. I believed I was back to my best. My therapist wasn't as confident, but then again she was probably after more money or so I told myself.

 

It was only recently when I started having relationship problems with a woman that I love, that I realised my old insecurities and self doubt were still there. Don't get my wrong, I have made enormous strides in my personal recovery. In the main, I love who I am. I know who I am. The thing is I was a mess in March this year. Reached my personal rock bottom. To think I could be a different person in 8 months was very naive and hopeful. Anything to avoid therapy again. I have decided to go back and stay in Therapy until a professional feels I am 110% secure within who I am. If I did not take that course of action, I would go back sliding down the mountain for sure. Just a matter of when.

 

The main difference between myself and Von is that one of us, is self aware and realises there are still personal issues that need to be resolved. The other is still fooling himself, trying to convince himself and others that he is someone that he is not (well not yet anyway). Von is like the frog in boiling water. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it will hop back out immediately. But of you leave the frog in cold water and leave the water heat gradually it will end up being cooked unware of the impending danger.

 

I would like to continue to try help people on this site, but while I still have some insecurities I feel like a hypocrite. I hope one day to be back posting alot, but I will only come back posting regulary when I know I am 110% happy within myself. I have no idea when that will be, but if I am back here after 6 months, I am probably as much in denial as Von is right now. To be honest Von this was not an easy post for me to type, but it will be worth it if one day something I/we said gets through to you. Twinkles made an 'observation' that I am bitter and angry. Nothing could be further from the truth. Von is a good guy, you can see that from a mile off. I want the guy to succeed longterm and I want the guy to be happy.

 

I would strongly consider therapy if I were you Von. I think it will help you piece all these things together. I have no doubt you truly believe that you are a strong confident man. What you have to realise is that your actions are not matching your words. If you came here and posted this thread after 6 months/a year and wrote down a list of positive actions you did to achieve on the road to becoming a strong man, then I would have been leading universal praise for you. Instead you preach one thing and then do the opposite by heading straight into a rebound relationship. Strong confident men do not blindly, go head on into a rebound relationship. Strong confident men do not get involved with the kind of unhealthy women, like your ex. In January you are an insecure mess. In November you are the strongest man on Loveshack. Just like you can't get over a true loving relationship in 3 weeks, you cannot (in my opinion) make that kind of total transformation to your personality in 11 months. Just read your threads that you have started on LS. You will quickly lose count of the amount of discrepancies in them. Go go from one extreme to the other and back again. Oldshirt/Pelician/Betterdeal/Lotita/Twinkles they are focusing on your words. Flourescent is spot on. We are focusing on your actions, which clearly do not match what you are preaching. The differening opinions make it a great thread.

 

If you want to have a shot of making this new relationship work, take the time to go through therapy and work on yourself. If she waits then she have a keeper, if not you will be in a position to form a healthy nuturing relationship going forward with a girl as emotionally healthy as you will be. I wish you and all LS users all the best. Like Arnie once said. "I'll be back". Best of luck Von.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Mack05

[wilsonx]

I'll admit too that my fatal flaw in my last relationship is not listening to that little voice inside of me, I'm not by any means perfect, I learn from my mistakes. There's a difference between moving on and rebounding.

 

A movie example outside the box thinking team 1 vs team 2 is the new JJ Abraham's Stat Trek movie. Team 1 is Spock team 2 is Jim Kirk. We are tryin to show you that you are emotionally comprised. Even the older more experienced Spock admits he's emotionally compromised to Kirk. You won't look in the mirror and take time to yourself and see this, see the words and sentences you are using. You are focused on one path and that's another person while we are trying to show you that your choice is going to lead you to your doom. This movie is on netflix if you haven't seen it.

 

There's nothing wrong with having insecurities, its part of being human. You have the caretaker personality. You are a good guy and we are trying to show you how to be good to yourself. Caretakers mistake the need to be needed for the need to be loved, your posts your patterns show this. We are showing you that your logic is skewed because you are emotionally compromised

 

Take time to yourself . Experience and accept the pain and hurt. You grow from this. Learn how to focus on yourself alone. You have obviously done this a couple times already and it hasn't worked out. Have the courage to try something new

Edited November 26, 2011 by wilsonx

[twinkles]

Ya you guys just keep telling Von that he's a messed up emotional wreck.

 

Almost like a parent telling you that you are stupid nothing all your life, you eventually start believing it.

 

Von you keep working on yourself and find ways to help yourself you are on the right track.

[twinkles]

Then build him up don't drag him down.

 

If you really think telling someone they are emotionally F'd really helps then you are delusional.

 

The little fantasy world I live in tells me to encourage people not consistently refer to their flaws.

 

I'm very serious.

[wilsonx]

Then build him up don't drag him down.

 

If you really think telling someone they are emotionally F'd really helps then you are delusional.

 

The little fantasy world I live in tells me to encourage people not consistently refer to their flaws.

 

I'm very serious.

 

You re right you do live in a fantasy world. I said emotionally compromised not f'ed up, if you cant tell the difference between the 2 grab a dictionary.

 

This thread is about you can't get over a breakup in 3 weeks. Its bull****.

 

I never bashed him. In fact I challenge him to do better for himself

[betterdeal]

Are u serious! We are trying help the guy.

 

Ha hasn't asked for help.

[twinkles]

He's not going to hear emotionally compromised he's going to hear F'd up that's my point.

 

Webster can be your friend. I'll let my heart and experience be my guide.

[betterdeal]

I'm sure in life you didn't ask to be a quintessential dickwad either, but for some reason it still happened

 

Such verve, cadence, wit!

[PelicanPete]

I'm sure in life you didn't ask to be a quintessential dickwad either, but for some reason it still happened

 

Oh look.. Betterdeal makes a good point I can't deny. Better attack him personally

 

All I really see from this discussion is this:

 

- "Team 2" argues their point

- "Team 1" counters their argument

- "Team 2" ignores 1's argument, throws down some personal attacks, and restates their argument

 

Notice how through out the entire thread, no one has ever directly argued against what BD and I have said. The only thing was the "real men dont get phased by breakups", which ignored the entire explanation I posted for it.

 

The only new material I see is that you guys are digging up threads of his from two years ago. So what if his threads ranging from several months to two years don't match up perfectly, people change. You can't really argue that it takes x amount of time for a person to change, because it completely depends on the experience, the person themselves, and their presence of free will.

 

I got over my 4 year relationship in 3 months. It was my first relationship. I completely changed in those 3 months. Does that mean I was faking it? I bet you anything you'd see a difference from what I was saying then, compared to what I am saying now. Who knows, maybe I'm still faking it

 

A friend of mine went to prison for a month, and he completely changed from that experience. But according to this thread, a month isn't long enough time to change, therefore he must be faking it.

 

People can completely change from a single moment. Isn't that along the lines of what an epiphany is? A sudden understanding of something which results in change. You can't really say Von is this and that, when all you have to go on is dated LS posts. None of us even come close to knowing him, because this is only one aspect of his life.

 

BD made a great point which Fluorescent hastefully replied to. Did he even ask for help? No! You guys are preaching all this for your benefit, not his. You're trying to "fix" something that doesn't need it. You guys remind me of those door to door acolytes trying to convert people to their religion.

 

The hard part about changing is that some people won't let you. Why are you trying to make him weep and submit when he is happy? Is this really for Vons benefit? How can he change when he doesn't feel he needs to in the first place?

[Jono85]

how bitter must your OWN life be to see someone joyfully post about having gotten over an ex, and sharing it with everyone, to want to bring that person down, and tell them, 'no, you're not over your ex, impossible, you're lying to yourself blah blah blah'??? like what do you get out of that? let the man live, jesus. just b/c you can't get over someone you loved and went through a lot of pain for a long period of time, doesn't mean someone else needs to take that same time.

 

i think there's probably a misconception about the definition of "getting over someone". i think we will ALWAYS miss certain things about exes we once loved, but that doesn't mean you can't move on with your life and be happy and ready to find someone else to make you even happier than your ex did.

 

telling someone they're NOT over an ex is not only pointless, it's pathetic.

[betterdeal]

Pete there is a lot I could say to that but I am clearly wasting my breath.

 

And yet you continue to type. Maladaptive coping exemplified.

[betterdeal]

I could type ALOT more . Maladaptive cool word.

 

One of those high faluting words those thousands of experts use!

[PelicanPete]

Pete there is a lot I could say to that but I am clearly wasting my breath. As I said despite the fact we have CLEAR evidence and fact to back up our arguments, you are basing your argument on words from a poster, that you have never even met. I mean are you that easily lead that you will just follow blindly, based on someone's words? If I said I am a multi millionaire author, would you automatically believe me cause I said it? That I was a porn star? That I am the outgoing president of Greece? Now I have no proof of this, so would you just believe my words? There is a word for you Pete. Gullible!!

 

They guy is clearly rebounding and you know this, but yourself and betterdeal refuse to even acknowledge this FACT. Why? Because by acknowledging this, you are back tracking so therefore you would rather remain pig headed and stubborn. Pete you don't have an argument..Von says he is 'the man' and you have no doubt about this, despite the evidence we have shown you. Where is your argument? Now if he grieved in the correct way (and there are millions of articles out there on how to do this, by thousands of experts, so we are not the only one's that believe he has not grieved in the right way or dealt with his feelings) posted about what personality change occured during these positive changes, showed us what lessons he has learnt, then maybe you have an argument. All he is done is listed some fancy buzz words (love yourself, self esteem, inner happiness) and tries to convince the world he is fine in 3 weeks and you and Betterdeal have fallen for it hook, line and sinker. Many posters have proved this to be total bullsh! t. Again another FACT you want to ignore. As for new material, this was posted in June! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283558/. Read it Pete. If you think this guy is a strong character, that can get over a woman in 3 weeks then you are as deluded as he is. The problem here is you are both (Betterdeal) set in your ways. You are the world is flat type of people, even after it was proved it was round you are the type to still believe it was flat and not budge from the stance. The truth is Von will post here in less then 2 years that this R has failed and that he now gets what we are saying. Will you and Betterdeal admit then you were both wrong then? No of course you won't. Because this is a weakness in both your personalities.

 

If we apparently have no argument, how can we be wrong?

There is very little "fact" in human emotion. This isn't math.

If I'm one of the people that believe the world is "flat", even though its proven to be round, how does that make me gullible?

 

Once again, you link a post that's almost 6 months old. Really solid and up-to-date evidence . Please refer to my last post.

 

This ignorant and hot-headed response only shows that you guys aren't trying to help Von for his benefit, but you're in it for your own personal gain. Jono seems to have the right idea.

 

And honestly, if I were Von, I wouldn't want "help" from people that say stuff like this.

 

For those of you that need further proof of this train wreck, join date Sep 2009, 2 year relationship.

[betterdeal]

I'm reminded of False Memory Syndrome when people keep stating as fact their opinions of what is going on in a stranger's life and head.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory_syndrome

 

It is entirely possible through the power of suggestion to make someone harbour false memories. It doesn't take a huge leap of the imagination to see how telling someone they are in denial, they can't have got over a break up, their life is a train wreck, there are thousands of experts who prove them wrong, for some people at the brunt of these declarations to start to believe them. It's how brainwashing and indoctrination work. It's against the clinical guidelines for psychologists and psychotherapists to tell people what they feel or remember because it's unethical, can skew the person's beliefs and create those false memories and so lead to personality disorders, false accusations, unnecessary fear, unhappiness, guilt and anger.

 

No therapist or psychiatrist I have worked with (as a client) has ever pushed an agenda such as some here who liberally throw around insults and curses when their opinions are dismissed or rejected. As for calling people whores, dickwards, or train wrecks, such verbal abuse says more to me about the abusive poster than anything else in their posts, and is like Rome's attitude to the heliocentric "heresy" of Galileo - call him names and declare your knowledge to be supreme.

Edited November 26, 2011 by betterdeal

[PelicanPete]

I'm reminded of False Memory Syndrome when people keep stating as fact their opinions of what is going on in a stranger's life and head.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory_syndrome

 

It is entirely possible through the power of suggestion to make someone harbour false memories. It doesn't take a huge leap of the imagination to see how telling someone they are in denial, they can't have got over a break up, their life is a train wreck, there are thousands of experts who prove them wrong, for some people at the brunt of these declarations to start to believe them. It's how brainwashing and indoctrination work. It's against the clinical guidelines for psychologists and psychotherapists to tell people what they feel or remember because it's unethical, can skew the person's beliefs and create those false memories and so lead to personality disorders, false accusations, unnecessary fear, unhappiness, guilt and anger.

 

No therapist or psychiatrist I have worked with (as a client) has ever pushed an agenda such as some here who liberally throw around insults and curses when their opinions are dismissed or rejected. As for calling people whores, dickwards, or train wrecks, such verbal abuse says more to me about the abusive poster than anything else in their posts, and is like Rome's attitude to the heliocentric "heresy" of Galileo - call him names and declare your knowledge to be supreme.

 

Good observation. So what you're saying is some posters in a sense are directing a form of gaslighting towards the OP, by trying to pressure and manipulate him into a way they think he "should" be thinking/feeling.

 

Certainly the evidence in this thread speaks for itself.

[wilsonx]

Bottom line, this is a rebound . I knew it was when he first posted this thread.

 

Von can do whatever he wants to do to make him feel better. My sole intention on posting on this thread was to prove it was a rebound and falsely misslabeled.

 

Doesn't mean anything else I posted was wrong.

 

This thread would have completely gone in a different direction if he would have posted the title differentl. The information in the original thread is really good information.

 

The clear fact from his own words is he's not over his ex. It's been proven in this thread by several people. There is nothing wrong with not being over an ex. We merely pointed out that he's lying to himself. Now that this thread has derailed, I'm pulling a geegirl and exiting.

 

FYI pp, just because you're right doesn't mean we are not right either. Words to grow on

 

Von good luck to you brother .

[wilsonx]

FYI I have 2 closefriends that married their rebound partners and are still married to this day, but they are also emotionally honest people to themselves and their partners. I have nothin against tebounds

[Jono85]

Proving to him that he is actually not over his ex (that he hasn't dealt with this in the right way) could one day be helpful. As I said previously, if he as strong as he says he is and I have gotten this badly wrong then our comments will be water off a ducks back and he will end up marrying this girl and be forever happy. I hope this happens! I do not believe this will happen though and have provided (IMO) valid reasons as to why. If Von goes onto be a massive success in Love then great for him. If not, then he has really helpful information on this thread. There is nothing 'pathetic' about that..

 

understand that there is no correlation with the outcome of his new relationship, and him being over his ex. in other words, assuming he IS in fact over his ex, it does NOT translate automatically into relationship success in his current relationship. there is no correlation there. these are independent events. brand new separate relationship.

 

i also want to mention that even if someone repeats the SAME mistakes in finding a new potential partner (which u guys are hypothesizing), that also doesn't mean he's not over his previous ex. it just means someone isn't necessarily learning lessons from their mistakes.

 

there are tons of people that completely get over someone, yet go looking for the same things they always do. there is an attraction there. but that doesn't mean they're still not over an ex.

 

as to whether or not he actually is over his ex or not, who cares? none of you know him personally, i just don't see the point in trying to bring him down when he is on a high. being happy, is partially a choice. there are people that are ECSTATIC with a situation other people find depressing and may even feel suicidal. it's all perspective. maybe in fact he IS trying to inflate his self-esteem by making this post, again, who cares. if that makes him feel a little happier at the end of the day, don't bring him down for it. there is no allotted time one must take to get over an ex. i believe ALL of us have the power to be happier MUCH sooner than we all actually find that happiness, but we CHOOSE to dwell, and reflect, and look back, and feel sorry for yourself, etc etc etc. it's not a science. there's no magical day. let him be happy is all i'm saying.

[betterdeal]

Good observation. So what you're saying is some posters in a sense are directing a form of gaslighting towards the OP, by trying to pressure and manipulate him into a way they think he "should" be thinking/feeling.

 

Certainly the evidence in this thread speaks for itself.

 

I don't think there's a conscious effort to trick someone into doubting their own sanity, which is gaslighting. More a case of people having a strong attachment to certain beliefs; feeling threatened by something that challenges those ideas; and responding aggressively to a perceived threat. If your sense of self is threatened by ideas (that oppose yours) it's not very robust because people will throw ideas at you all your life.