OM's wife contacted me

[Ultraman]

Hello, I am new here and was told that i might be able to get some advice from others.

 

Need it bad..

 

I am 32 and my wife is 33. I had absolutely no idea what was going on until 2 Saturdays ago when a woman came to my place out of the blue. She tells me that she knows whats going on and is disgusted with me about allowing my wife of 4 years to sleep around as we apparently have an " open marriage ".

needless to say i tell her that I think shes a nut job until shes shows me photos of what looks like my wife and her husband walking into MY HOUSE when I was out of town for 12 days last month. She hired an investigator. ( On a lighter and kinda funny note, my wife has no idea that MY HOUSE is under ownership of my Father's estate and legally not even mine-OR HERS, just had my attorney confirm yesterday.....wonder who Dad's gonna kick out? )

I must confess that I have never felt this awful in my entire life.

 

Sandra ( OM wife ), is so distraught and keeps apologizing too me about showing me proof but I think I'm in denial. I feel about the same when my mother passed away 6 years ago and cant figure any of this crap out.

 

I have been in contact with Sandra for a few days now and she seems to be handling this better than myself.

 

I have not confronted my wife yet because of work ( I own a business that has me working an insane amount of hours ) , but I wouldn't even know where to start. The OM still has no idea that we know nor does my wife.

For the last little while my wife keeps asking me whats up and why im so distant lately? Been sleeping downstairs in my office at my desk and having a hard time even looking at her.

I am a very independent person in general and self confident but never in my life have I experienced anything like this before. I literally feel like my heart is broken. Just sad and my co workers are starting to see this and ask whats going on.

As of today i have taken a leave of absence until the end of the month and need to know how to go about this. Sandra seems to be comforting me with some of this ( We have met each other for coffee twice to talk amongst ourselves ...nothing sexual or anything just talking and trying to make sense of it all.) We both decided to confront our spouses at the same time but I am going out of my mind and finally broke down to my older sister who just tells me to end it with the wife and move on.

 

I now know what the betrayed spouse feeling is like and it is HELL!!!

 

We do not have children but were gonna start trying in the new year.

What have I done to make her stray? I kinda wish she would have talked too me if there was a problem but we tell each other we love each other all the time and according to her she's the " Luckiest woman on earth" .

 

I am completely gone inside and looking in the mirror is getting harder everyday..

 

I just wanna Die

[TigerCub]

Hey Ultraman,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I haven't really been in your situation so I wont be able to offer you advice that's as good as those that have been there.

 

But...from the way I see it, you are in a good position right now.

 

The house is your dad's its neither of yours so its not like she can get a share of it in a divorce (I hope)...

 

You don't have children, so if you decide to divorce her, that makes things a lot less complicated

 

And...

you already have proof of her infidelity so you're not just going on a hunsh and being gaslighted and wondering if you're going nuts - you actually have the facts!!

 

so, take a few days and decide what you want:

 

Do you want to leave her? Yes/ No

if No - Can you learn to trust her again?

- Are you sure she wants to be with you and not there for comfort?

- Would you really risk having children with her after all this?

- You will HAVE to get the reason of why she did this in the first place and figure out if its something that's likely to repeat itself. You will likely need couple's therapy and a lot of work (individually and as a couple)

 

If Yes - then confront her, put an end to the M and stand your ground.

 

Personally, I think your sister has the right idea. But we're not all the same and only YOU are in this situation right now, and only you know what's best for you and if you think you can get past all this and either rebuild the M, or divorce and move on.

Edited November 24, 2011 by TigerCub

[Madman81]

So sorry to hear what you're going through, Ultra. That's horrible.

 

Firstly, I understand your confusion/incredulity over the coexistence of (a) her cheating, and (b) her claims of being the "luckiest woman on earth". When my now-XW came clean and confessed to having cheated repeatedly, having been unhappy for most of the marriage, and wanting out, I was similarly shocked. Not that we hadn't had some challenging times, but I always believed we were fundamentally solid. Upstairs in my dresser, I had a collection of cards she'd given me on birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, anniversaries, etc., telling me how much she loved me, how we were soulmates, how lucky she was, etc. All bullshyt, as it turned out.

 

Good on you for telling your sister. Eventually you'll have to confront your wife with your knowledge, and you can bet your ass that she'll (a) deny, (b) minimize, © try to deflect by accusing you of spying on her or invading her privacy, or some combination of the above. When she learns that you've told your sister, she'll be full of righteous indignation -- "how could you tell members of your family", etc.

 

DON'T BE SWAYED BY ANY OF THIS. You've just learned the devastating truth about the person you thought you could count on above everybody else. You understandably feel like your world is falling apart right now. You had every right to seek advice, comfort and guidance from people who love you and care about you.

 

I don't know what your inclination is with respect to ending the marriage or trying to rebuilt it (I happen to agree with your sister), but fundamentally that's your decision.

 

Some specific advice:

 

1. See a lawyer, ASAP. Find out what your rights are where you live, and what you should do to protect your own interests. Right now, your wife doesn't know that you know, so time is on your side. Use it wisely.

 

2. Talk to a counsellor. It's good to have your sister in the know, but it's also good to have somebody uninvolved to talk to.

 

3. Whatever you do, obviously DON'T take any steps towards having children. Doing that will tie you to her forever, legally and in other ways.

 

Good luck mang... hang in there.

[whichwayisup]

Get copies of what Sandra has as proof and file it (Hide it) somewhere safe.

 

Not sure when you plan on talking to your wife, but do it soon..

 

This isn't your fault. Your wife chose this! If she was unhappy in the marriage then she should have spoken to you. If she was unhappy overall, inside and hiding it, she chose to keep it to herself too. Cheating is the selfish way to handle it! Stop blaming yourself.

 

4 years of marriage.. The question is, do you feel your wife is worthy of a chance?

 

Counselling can help you through this process. Don't go at this alone.

[whichwayisup]

As for Sandra, she's hurting too. She's known about the A longer than you and had more time to face this.. You just found out. It's great you two can talk, but be very careful about how much you let her comfort you. You're vunerable and if she (not saying she will, but never say never) wants to get back at her H, she could try to have a revenge affair with you to make her spouse suffer pain..Out of spite.

[Bryanp]

Why in the world have you not confronted your wife? If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be walking around in circles waiting to confront you? It is good that you have contacted an attorney to understand your options. You need to now get checked for STD's.

 

You have proof. Be strong. You need to protect your assets at once. By not confronting her you simply are allowing her to continue the affair. She brought her lover to your home and probably into your bed. This is the ultimate in betrayal. This shows she has absolutely no respect for you or your home or marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[bentnotbroken]

Why in the world have you not confronted your wife? If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be walking around in circles waiting to confront you? It is good that you have contacted an attorney to understand your options. You need to now get checked for STD's.

 

You have proof. Be strong. You need to protect your assets at once. By not confronting her you simply are allowing her to continue the affair. She brought her lover to your home and probably into your bed. This is the ultimate in betrayal. This shows she has absolutely no respect for you or your home or marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

 

I don't know what his reasons are, but just for the record, there are some of us who did walk around for few months with proof waiting to confront. It was to our advantage to do so. Just a thought.

[Steen719]

[quote=Ultraman;3744019

 

I am completely gone inside and looking in the mirror is getting harder everyday..

 

I just wanna Die

 

Look....you did not cheat, she did. SHE should have trouble looking in the mirror, not you. SHE did this; SHE made the decision to cheat for what ever reasons she had instead of talking to you. YOU must take responsibility for your share of the marital problems, but you should NEVER take the blame for HER cheating. You look right in the mirror and tell yourself that you will feel better and that you did not deserve this type of betrayal. Make a plan, talk to your lawyer, talk to your sister, talk to a counselor and be proactive. Do not be her victim. I know this seems impossible, but you will feel better. Really, you will. Start moving towards a resolution by making your plan after you talk to who you need to.

 

Some of how you decide to proceed...leave her, try counseling, stay, whatever, might become clearer after you find out where she is with her relationship with the OM. At this point, you really don't know what she is thinking, so that is another element to consider.

 

Only you know when the right time is to confront her and whether it is helpful to wait. I guess there can be good reasons to wait. I would go mad waiting, but maybe you won't.

 

Best of luck and I'm so sorry. So many, too many, of us know just what it feels like and you are right! It is Hell, but it does get better.

[Ultraman]

Hello again guys and thanks 4 the replies.

 

Just had an interesting conversation with 2 friends of mine, my brother ( flew in yesterday to stay with us and Sandra as well, I invited her and she was very grateful. Nice lady ) .

sandra was saying that this has been going on for about 3 months now, cannot believe it myself. I was totally in the clouds I guess.

 

I have to say that I cannot ever remember feeling this helpless in my life. I have absolutely no control over what my wife is doing. She by the way is " working out of town till Sunday ". Get this, Sandra's Husband is gone for the weekend as well to " see some fishing buddies ". Guess they think were pretty naive about all this. Maybe its just emotions talking, sorry.

My wife keeps texting me but I have not answered any of them, 13 in total.

 

I have questions just for me...

 

1. Should I be convincing her that I have no idea what is going on and play and gather for this game till confrontation?

2. Should I be telling others about this??? My Brother is absolutely livid and my 2 friends think I should pack her stuff right now, i mean tonight and toss it out in the street!

Which i will not by the way but they offered to do it for me...I am so lucky to have the friends I do..

3. I think my pain may be turning into either anger or rage or a combo of both... I do not like this feeling and thank goodness for the people around me..

4. I actually took my wedding ring off this evening for the first time and a strange feeling shot over me, is that normal?

having a few dark thoughts, which is unlike me but my brother thinks a little more drastically than I do..

I am surprised that sandra seems to be the complete opposite of me. She says that as soon as she confronts her hubby, its Over...she a fitness studio owner and trainer so money is not a problem for her. I on the other hand have NO IDEA what the hell I should even say to my wife.

 

Helpless feelings are tearing me 2 ways. I pretty much know my wife will probably try to want to work on things which maybe will make me feel better , However I know that taking her back will completely DISHONOR myself and my family and my 2 bros and 1 sis may not ever forgive me.

 

well anyway I am going back downstairs to have a few more drinks with the folks and chat. hopefully wont break down again, downstairs in my living alone I started literally crying in front of my brother and he just hugged me and held on. I feel so miserable and ashamed at myself for not seeing this before. Sandra's been great about all of this as well and she seems pretty tough and stand up about it. Wish I was there, really really wish.

 

Well thanks for listening again, hope im not boring anyone with this stuff . I had planned on logging everything down in my journal but instead will Log it here on love shack. big sis told me about it and seems to be some smart people on here...

 

Thank again, will post again tomorrow afternoon

Edited November 25, 2011 by Ultraman

[jnj express]

Hey Ultra---going in you know you are dealing with a liar, a manipulator, a conniver, and a master of deceit

 

She has been coming home night after night looking you right in the eyes, and telling you everything was fine, even as you were being treated like a POS, and given the status of sloppy 2nds---she just plain disrespects you, and everything to do with you---OTHERWISE SHE WOULD NOT BE ALLOWING HER SCUM LOVER TO BE INSIDE OF HER!!!!!

 

When you confront-----don't bother to haul out all the evidence, at that point---BOTH OF YOU KNOW SHE IS CHEATING---and by your not answering texts, phone calls, she may be getting the inkling something is up with you----you can continue to freeze her out---it doesn't matter at this point----Anyway---when you confront---YOU DO IT WITH ICY CALM, BE COOL, BE COLLECTED---State what ever it is you wanna say---which should at this point include, (for the most impact) that you are done---you will not BE in a mge., where you are treated like a POS, and with DISRESPECT, and the mge. is over.----AND WALK AWAY, GO FOR A DRIVE, RUN ERRANDS---JUST GET AWAY FROM HER.

 

By leaving, you do not allow her to argue, blameshift, discuss, she gets nothing---BUT WHAT SHE DOES GET, IS HOURS BY HERSELF--TO CONTEMPLATE HER FUTURE

 

What does that future look like---it looks like this---she, depending upon you, just might end up as a single divorced woman, I don't know whether kids are involved, but if so---even tuffer for her, she is gonna work one to two jobs, just to make it financially---then we come to partners---she is already 33---what is really out there to compare with a good, loving, caring H, ---VERY LITTLE----what she faces are guys who will use, and abuse her---crazies, addicts, drunks, guys who wanna live off of women--guys who want sex only---she will find very few men, who qualify as really good relationship material----LET HER THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS---Let her stare at being on her own SQUARE IN THE FACE---I promise you, she is gonna be scared shi*less----

 

She is having her little A., but in all reality---she has no idea what she has gotten herself into---AND IT IS GONNA HIT HER VERY HARD, RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!!!!!!

 

By making your statement, and leaving for a while, and NOT DISCUSSING anything with her---she is gonna have plenty of time to think----

 

If she is not into the mge., anymore-----then it won't matter---but if she still is into the mge (I won't say loves you, cuz one does not do what she is doing to you, and claim they love ) She can be compartmentalizing all of this, but if she really thinks she is just having a big sexcapade, and she still wants her mge.---she now has to face the fact, that she may have brought her own world down around her ears

 

Do not be mean, when you confront---but do be harsh---there can be no Mr. Nice--guy---there can be no lovey--dovey---she has destroyed your soul, your peace of mind is gone, and your carefree life is over----and she needs to know it.

 

Do not fear your confrontation---at this point you have no mge., you have no wife---you have a cheater---who over the great family traditional holiday of thanksgiving prefers to be with her lover in a hotel ----that should tell you all you need to know---all by itself

 

Good luck and stand tall---the sun will come up manana.

[Mr_Confused]

Sorry about what you are going through.

 

I am an in affair, so wanted to offer some advice from the other side.

 

1. Decide if you are confronting now or not. It seems you have enough evidence already, and you can seemingly add to it this weekend's rendezvous. If,, for reasons I can't understand, you want to wait, you need to act like yourself so you can continue to gather evidence. Personally, I'd confront immediately upon her return. If you are too devastated to handle the conversation use this weekend to put it in writing. I'd try best possible to stay with facts - let her know you know, tell her you will not tolerate it for one second, she is no longer welcome in the marital home, and that you will not even entertain the conversation of maintain a relationship with her until her affair is terminated.

2. Talk to a lawyer. Get clear on what a divorce would look like. You likely live in a no fault state so your wife's affair is irrelevant. Gathering evidence may help you - confirmation of her actions - but probably have absolutely ZERO impact on your divorce (should you chose to go that path).

3. Seek individual counseling. It was tough to find a therapist I felt comfortable with, start looking now. Friends and family comfort is wonderful - you are blessed to have it. Unfortunately, despite their good intentions, they can often offer bad advice in terms of what will help you through something like this. Find a professional - it will be money well spent.

4. Eat, drink, rest. Stay active.

5. Read stories from other betrayed spouses. Take whatever comfort you can from recognizing you are not alone and others navigate through this mess, you can as well.....step by step.

 

There are countless reasons a marriage experiences infidelity - but one almost universal truth is that it continues as long as it is enabled. You must communicate with conviction, and no wavering, that while she is in affair you guys are 100% DONE - reconciliation may not ever be even remotely possible, but it is 100% impossible while she is having ANY form of contact with this OM and you won't even entertain the topic. Every action you take until she terminates any and all forms of communication are actions toward dissolving he marriage because your goal is to get through it.

 

I'm telling you this as a cheater. My wife did none of the above. I felt unloved when my affair started and her indifference about my affair only reinforced our problems..which I clearly compounded..we are roommates and parents co-habitating. You, however, clearly love your wife, you are hurt, and you can't un-love her immediately despite her actions. Refusal to accept any of this is an act of love and what you must do for yourself - in my opinion - immediately. Any other approach will add to the problems and delay the inevitable, and prolong you pain - whether the end is divorce or reconciliation.

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't add much more to the suggestions given here. I do want to add to Steen's comments:

 

Don't assume your wife's behavior is a reflection on you or even the marriage. Our society tells us this, probably because half the population does cheat -- and often cheaters will tell us their actions are a reflection of our shortcomings. (Thankfully my husband never said this to me, but I still assumed it to be the case and put myself in a self-punishing regime for 5 years to try to prevent it from happening again. Still did.)

 

I've now seen infidelity from both angles in my life. It's simply not true.

 

Telling ourselves that we somehow caused our spouse to cheat gives us an illusion of control at a time when things appear to be terribly out of control. It's untrue, unkind and unhelpful during a time requring much truth, kindness and help.

 

You are only responsible for 50% of your marriage, not your wife's cheating.

 

My very best to you.

[RobD70]

What have I done to make her stray?

Nothing, but dollars to donuts she will try to blame you. They have to blame the BS in order to justify their cheating in their head, even if they have to make up stuff. Whatever she may say, its not your fault she cross the line and started an affair. She had a hundred other options she could have done IF their were issues in the marriage (Talk to you , IC/MC, ask for a separation WITHOUT getting another person involved).

 

It sounds like you are in a position of power in the M, she needs you more that you need her. That means you can afford to put your foot down and she will panic and beg for you to keep her. However she must suffer some negative consequences for what she has done or else she'll do it again or "relapse" back into the current affair.

 

Affairs are addictions and they are not easy to overcome once they start. Making her deal with the consequences will cause a high level of anxiety in her which should suppress the "high" she gets in being in the affair and hopefully to the point where she sees the affair as a horrible mistake and becomes remorseful. The fear of losing you will take the "fun" out of the affair.

 

Basically I'm saying threaten her with a divorce asap, kick her to the curb, and let her sweat for a while. During that time you can decide if you want to go through with the D (it would be in your best interest I think) or try to R. You are going to need a couple of months at least for the shock and emotions to calm down to think clearly.

[In Like Flynn]

Please don't wait till they hook up again confront now!!!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I just wanted to take a moment to emphasize that all of these crazy and conflicting feelings are completely normal. Not knowing what to do is also completely normal. If the other BS had hired a PI then she's had some time to come to grips with this. You had no idea that things weren't peachy, those are very different situations. I'm curious why she though you had an open marriage.

 

You are very lucky to have such a supportive family. Give yourself time and think for yourself, it will take a long while to have clear head about all of this. I believe that you should confront when you're good and ready. Does it matter if they've slept together 10 times or 50? Not really in the grand scheme of things.

 

Its crazy and makes no sense, but the BS often feels shame and embarrassment. It can be debilitating. Hold your head high, keep your cool, and use your head rather than relying on emotions. Its easy to become an emotional ping pong ball, reacting to everything, try to avoid that. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

Its great that the OMs wife is being supportive also, but I wouldn't advise becoming too intrenched in that, her situation and yours aren't necessarily the same, and you don't need to be used as a pawn. Forge the path thats best for you.

 

Sorry for your situation.

[Ultraman]

Hi guys, just woke up to texts from my wife.

 

She is apparently returning home today??

 

says she misses me and is "worried abut me". I feel like throwing up

 

I am scared too see her.

 

have absolutely no idea on how to confront her. my brother will be gone most of the day to get parts for my project car but says he will stay away until I talk to her.

 

sandy called me bout 15 minutes ago, Guess what??? Her Hubby is cutting his trip short to be home for the holidays...What a sweet guy!

 

She says she is telling him today and thinks I should too.

 

I look and feel awful even after my long shower, not hung over at all even though drank enough for an entire year last night...

 

I can feel my self shaking inside and realize that im starting get get angry and upset now that I know more according to what sandy told me.

I don't need details of any kind but not sure if I want to reconcile this marriage.

 

Last night I had decided to try to fix this but now not so sure about it.

 

I do not want to hurt my wife emotionally but I feel that my emptiness may be a sign of weakness and she may try to feed on that.

 

Some people responded with posts that she may try to turn this on me, buddies told me last night that she WILL DEFINITELY try this "Tactic" but I am prepared for it....I HOPE

 

Sister called me and said she is coming here to confront her as well but said not worth it till I have had a chance on my own. I think she is more pissed at her than I am but i am just to broken to be angry.

 

I have decided NOT to be a pushover about this but am scared ****less none the less.

 

I will update after, wish me luck.....

 

Im gonna need it

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, which is all about family and she and the OM are away screwing around. Talk about the ultimate disrespect/betrayal.

 

I'm sorry. I don't know how you have been able to wait 2 weeks and are still waiting to act. You don't have children, it's time to confront and decide what you want from your life. Sleeping in the office is childish and doesn't address the problem.

 

Now you too need to look in the mirror and understand why this happened. As much as it is not your fault that she cheated, you may be responsible for pushing her that direction. Yes ultimately it was her decision (and in your bed too).

 

You already pretty much have stated that you work too much and probably business has affected your relationship. I'm sure this will be her argument. What about sex, anything there? Has your appearance changed? Are you no longer romantic and excited and doing things for her? Yes this is unfair, but be prepared for how she will react.

 

I wouldn't throw her stuff out, but I'd certainly pack her bags, have them ready in the bedroom and make a reservation at a Hampton Inn or Holiday Inn Express upon her return and let her continue her "vacation".

 

The longer you wait the more it'll eat you up.

 

Also if not today have an appointment with a lawyer Monday morning.

 

Just read your post above..... Be strong and forceful.... And yes you can hurt her emotionally with your actions. She knows she's been caught..... Don't back down, though let her talk. Tell her too that the jig is up for the OM too and they can be together if that is what she wants and that you're sorry she had to cut her weekend short.

 

Best of luck.

Edited November 25, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[KathyM]

I don't know how someone can look their spouse in the eye, tell them they love him, tell him they miss him, and all the while be having sex with someone else. I think, usually, when people resort to affairs, their marriage is on the rocks and there is a tension and emotional separation, but for someone to be professing love for a spouse while having an affair is just unfathomable to me. I would suggest the OP just calmly, quietly, ask his wife to sit down because there is something that needs to be discussed. And then, without dramatics, look her in the eye and tell her "I know all about your affair with so and so. I don't understand how you could betray me like that. Maybe I wasn't a perfect husband, but I didn't deserve this. I think we'll need to discuss plans for separation." Don't have sympathy--don't show sympathy for her. She'll probably start to cry, beg, plead, and apologize, but that is meaningless. Don't fall for that. Show no mercy, what she did to you is beyond reprehensible. Don't let it escalate into a fight, and I wouldn't recommend letting your siblings/friends come to hash it out with her--this is between you and your wife. I'm sorry for your pain. You deserve someone you can trust. I don't see how someone can reconcile when there has been that level of betrayal. I'm sure she'll suggest marital counseling and will be hoping that will appease you. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd tell her "You wanted to be with ____________, so now I'll set you free to do that."

[bentnotbroken]

My only advice for confronting is to just breath. I had in my mind a script of what I would say....it went right out the window. But everything I said, came from my heart and the pain I felt...it was the right thing to say. Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Hi guys, just woke up to texts from my wife.

 

She is apparently returning home today??

 

says she misses me and is "worried abut me".

 

Good. She should be worried. I'm sure 1000 thoughts are running through her head, from I wonder if he knows the truth to I wonder if something has happened, an accident ... She feels guilty/bad and that's why she's coming home.

 

I feel like throwing up

 

I am scared too see her.

 

I'm sure this is a normal reaction to what's going on...

 

have absolutely no idea on how to confront her. my brother will be gone most of the day to get parts for my project car but says he will stay away until I talk to her.

 

Pack afew of her bags and set them by the front door. When she gets home just look her in the eye and tell her point blank, "I know the truth, don't deny it, I have proof. You are having an affair. Here are your choices. 1)Call the OM right now, infront of me and end it. No more contact, emails, talking to him, seeing him. The A is over as of now. OR, if you can't do that, then take your bags and get out.

 

She is going to lie/deny/react on emotion. Be calm, be firm and don't let her manipulate you/gaslight you. Be strong, fake it if you have to! I know you're scared, rightfully so...But, dig down deep and find that anger too. She needs to see the devastation she has caused. See you upset, angry and hurt. This woman has turned your life upside by her SELFISH choice to cheat and betray you. She ruined your faith and trust in her!

 

sandy called me bout 15 minutes ago, Guess what??? Her Hubby is cutting his trip short to be home for the holidays...What a sweet guy!

 

Yes, they both know something is up, so they'll either deny it or come clean, or maybe since the jig is up, they won't deny it. Hmmm, maybe you and Sandy should confront them together! WOuldn't that be interesting.. double whammy.

 

She says she is telling him today and thinks I should too.

 

Yes, no point in prolonging this.

I look and feel awful even after my long shower, not hung over at all even though drank enough for an entire year last night...

 

Of course you feel this way. Your whole life and marriage has changed, thanks to your selfish wife. Sorry that this is happening to you.

 

I can feel my self shaking inside and realize that im starting get get angry and upset now that I know more according to what sandy told me.

I don't need details of any kind but not sure if I want to reconcile this marriage.

You don't have to make any decisions now. Especially since you're upset and angry. The best thing to do is deal with the now, which is facing her, letting her know that you know. Don't let her off scot free! I'm telling you, if she suffers no real consquence and you forgive her right away, the A will continue behind your back. When she thinks it's safe again.. People only change when they have to and are forced to.. And when they suffer consquences.. Her consquence should be life without you for a while.

 

Last night I had decided to try to fix this but now not so sure about it.

DO NOT tell her right away that you plan on fixing things. That, please keep to yourself. Trust me, once that anger truly sets in, you may not want to so quickly. She has to EARN the right to fix things. What if she shows no real remorse and blames YOU for the affair? You gonna sit there and take it? I hope not!!!!!

 

I do not want to hurt my wife emotionally but I feel that my emptiness may be a sign of weakness and she may try to feed on that.

 

She hasn't given you a second thoughts for MONTHS now. Hello, she is selfish and has continually lied and lead a double life behind your back!! Of course she is going to put on the tears and those tears WILL BE the kind to manipulate you. She is only sorry she got caught. Trust me, if she didn't think or have any worry that you found out, she'd still be with the OM for the rest of the weekend and continuing the affair.

 

I know you don't want to hurt her. You don't have to name call or be cruel to her. YOu just have to tell her how much SHE HURT YOU and that you cannot trust her anymore. She broke your wedding vows! Broke your heart. Hearing that hopefully will make her feel bad and get her out of the fog she's in right now. Reality check that she is NOT in control anymore, you are!

 

Some people responded with posts that she may try to turn this on me, buddies told me last night that she WILL DEFINITELY try this "Tactic" but I am prepared for it....I HOPE

 

Sister called me and said she is coming here to confront her as well but said not worth it till I have had a chance on my own. I think she is more pissed at her than I am but i am just to broken to be angry.

 

Keep your sister OUT of this. It's sooo not her place to get involved and confront your wife. YOU have to do this, confront your wife.

 

That anger WILL hit you. Infact, your selfish wifes reaction to this may make you feel that anger.

 

I have decided NOT to be a pushover about this but am scared ****less none the less.

 

I will update after, wish me luck.....

 

Im gonna need it

 

Good. Be strong, be firm, be cool. Not mean or cruel but detached from her. DO NOT let her touch or kiss or hug you. She's lost that priviledge now since she slept with the OM.

 

Hang in there, keep posting.

[jnj express]

If you still are reading---stay very calm---say your piece, and leave---do not get into a discussion, or argument---and do not at this point allow her to say anything-----let her think about the future---like you have had to do for the past days------let her stew in her own juices

 

STAY CALM

[Darth Vader]

If you still are reading---stay very calm---say your piece, and leave---do not get into a discussion, or argument---and do not at this point allow her to say anything-----let her think about the future---like you have had to do for the past days------let her stew in her own juices

 

STAY CALM

 

 

Don't let her blameshift this bull **** onto you, like it was your fault blah blah blah!

[silktricks]

Stay calm, but absolutely do get the confrontation over. The odds are extremely high that she will attempt to blame this on you, as you already know. Don't let her. You were probably not a perfect husband, but no one is perfect. She wasn't a perfect wife either, no doubt - and you didn't have an affair.

 

I liked WWIU's idea of having bags packed for her and greet her with 2 choices.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

State your case, memorize it and walk away. Tell her to pack up and leave. Do NOT ask questions, talk about feelings, ect... Those things will set you up to be gaslighted. Hear none of it. She doesn't get to explain. It's easy as I know about so and so, I'll give you 3 hours to get your stuff and leave.

[Darren Steez]

Exactly the reason she's banging another dude behind your back... YOU WON'T DO ANYTHING..too scared apparently..