OM's wife contacted me

[stillafool]

OP, why are you afraid of your wife? She is the one who cheated on you and that is probably why she is cutting her trip short. She may have a clue. Do it! Jump on her like a spider monkey (not physically) but don't be afraid and show her you will not tolerate this behavior.

[robf1971]

The best way for the OP to handle this is to say nothing just pack his wife's stuff up in boxes, stick a couple of the incriminating pictures on them, so she understands he knows. Then just totally ignore her, all further communiccation through lawyers. Just let the OP thank his lucky stars they don't have kids.

[Ultraman]

Hi everyone, Very quick update, not complete

 

 

My wife arrived earlier today, before my big expected at the top of the stairs I always get, I stopped her dead in her tracks and asked her why she came back.

 

She said she was worried because I have not been myself the last couple of weeks and I did not answer any of her texts.....I told her because i thought she wasn't being straight forward with me and she replied " and what do you think I've been up to?" She pretty much gave me the WTF look and went to our room.

 

Funny thing happened, she asked what happened to our bed???

I had two gentlemen from a moving company come buy this morning to remove it from my home and " Burn it"...Haha, she looked very confused!

( Have new mattress being delivered monday evening that my sister and I purchased from sears online catalog )

 

I am having friends over tonight to party hard and the wife is a little taken back by my different attitude toward her. Strange thing is, I did not react like I thought? I did not come out exactly with what I NEED to say to her but I am pretty sure she has an idea of what is supposed to happen.

 

Someone had posted earlier that Sandra and I should confront them together and I relayed that message to her. SHE'S ALL FOR IT.

 

So she is going to invite her loving husband to " One of her clients parties".

The moment he knows the house for which the party is to be held, He will obviously have to oblige her confess in the car.

 

My sis and her are planning all of this, im just drinking and trying to have some type of fun. I will be holding a small amount of anger inside as to not fold like a cheap suit and buckle at the knees when we confront them.

 

Sandra says she is looking forward to it but I am not as prepared! I am avoiding 1 on 1 time with my wife until everyone is here and maybe the music will deafen the yells and bickering?

 

Wish me luck, will post later on tonight and most likely drunk

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Wow.... Have no idea what your plan is or how unconventional it is, but I wish you the best of luck.

[Bryanp]

Beautiful...absolutely beautiful. Good luck tonight.

[whichwayisup]

That was me who suggested you and Sandra confront them together.. Though I was partially kidding.

 

Careful how much you drink. People do nutty things when drunk and due to the tension level that is going to happen once things are out in the open.. Think you know what I'm getting at.

 

Not sure if its' cool to have a house full of people and do this infront of others.

[stopdropandroll]

Sounds like it'll end up being a drama fest with a touch of max danger from having all those overheated emotions flying around.

 

In any case good luck!

[Darth Vader]

That was me who suggested you and Sandra confront them together.. Though I was partially kidding.

 

Careful how much you drink. People do nutty things when drunk and due to the tension level that is going to happen once things are out in the open.. Think you know what I'm getting at.

 

Not sure if its' cool to have a house full of people and do this infront of others.

 

 

He shouldn't be drinking at this time, he may do something he wouldn't normally do. He does need to do this in front of a whole lot of people! So far though, PRICELESS!

[sadcalifornian]

There is a good chance that they have agreed to deny any wrongdoing with some kind of plausible scenario. This is probably why she is so OK with confrontation with Sandra.

 

If your confrontation does not lead to any believable confession, ask her if she is willing to take polygraph to prove her innocence.

[sadcalifornian]

double post

Edited November 27, 2011 by sadcalifornian

[SidLyon]

There is a good chance that they have agreed to deny any wrongdoing with some kind of plausible scenario. This is probably why she is so OK with confrontation with Sandra.

 

If your confrontation does not lead to any believable confession, ask her if she is willing to take polygraph to prove her innocence.

 

When the OP said:

 

"Someone had posted earlier that Sandra and I should confront them together and I relayed that message to her. SHE'S ALL FOR IT."

 

I think it was Sandra (the other BW) that was all for the confrontation, not the WW.

 

Has it happened yet?

[KathyM]

These public confrontations are not a good plan IMO. The APs will probably just make some excuse about being business acquaintences, etc. I think there's a greater chance of things getting out of hand when it is such a public "intervention". Oh, well. I hope he has rock solid proof that an affair took place that he can present at this confrontation.

[Darth Vader]

These public confrontations are not a good plan IMO. The APs will probably just make some excuse about being business acquaintences, etc. I think there's a greater chance of things getting out of hand when it is such a public "intervention". Oh, well. I hope he has rock solid proof that an affair took place that he can present at this confrontation.

 

 

Oh, he does!

[stillafool]

Frankly, I would be surprised if it "happens". Most betrayed men who's wife is having an affair come here and talk a big game then nothing happens. Why these men are afraid to confront their cheating wives, when they have more than enough proof, is beyond me. Why would he be afraid? He should be choppin at the bit to confront her.

[Ultraman]

Well how do i even go about explaining this?

 

What a night, long night. at least i got 3 hours of sleep on par with the rest of the last couple weeks.

 

Anyway, IT HAPPENED. By the way, I stopped drinking about an hour before she got home so I wasn't really intoxicated at all but I wish i had been!

 

Sandra and her husband had it out in the car, then she herself came into my place after her man took off. I asked her for some one on one time with my wife as she was fine with that..My sister took her upstairs and she had a good time i guess? Me not so much...

 

Not going to get into every single detail in one thread post but the moral of her story was that this affair of hers was not supposed to be permanent.

She has no desire to let me go and leave me for him? She doesn't seem to know why she even started it in the first place?

 

She did break down crying and was all over me with hugs and actually TRIED to kiss me. Broke my god damn heart to see her like that but I could not even get myself to respond and just kept pushing her back.

 

I do NOT even know this woman who I married??? I cannot understand why she did this.

 

A few of her "reasons" were, I had been working alot of hours and not alot of time between us? I only started the extra hours in September until first week of December. ( OH YA, this affair was not 3 months or so long, they were sleeping together in MAY.......MAY )This does not compute with me at all.

She also said that she thought I was having an affair on her with a woman in my downtown office who was there as a subcontract administrator for 10 weeks??? WTF, I asked her what proof she had of this and she said none. It was only a thought? That actually pissed me off she would even think that due to the fact it was last year and I was working out of my home office alot more than downtown when she was home with me, which she remembered, and the only times I was with this woman was with the city planners group in our conference office with a dozen or so other people!

ALL 6 TIMES....Jesus Christ all mighty

 

I asked her if she was ever going to tell me and she said NEVER. There affair was going to stop in the new year ( LUCKY ME ) when we were going to start to try for children, which she really wants.

 

I asked her why I wasn't good enough overall?

She says " You are more than good enough" but she wanted something "exciting and mysterious"

 

I DO NOT KNOW WHO THIS WOMAN IS?

 

She never said ANYTHING to me about problems we were having.

 

We talk everyday together, she says im a " BEAST in BED" so I know that wasn't it? I make her laugh, we used to walk every Sunday for 90 minutes together along the river and chat, we snuggled 3 nights a week alone to there god awful girly movies that have always made me "ill" but I never complained! family dinners, and alot of other CRAP just for her. BUT I guess I still wasn't good enough???

 

I feel worse about everything now, she says he meant nothing to her emotionally that it was only "Sex" but I saw this guy in my front yard and he looks weak to me. I am 6 foot 2, 223 lbs and in great shape. ( I have been living in a gym 10 hrs a week since I was a teen and still play Hockey once a week with our grunge team for fun and exercise ) This OM is 8 years older than me, He is rather good looking though but maybe 170 lbs or so. Sandra said he did not want to face me man to man. Probably better that way I guess.

 

My wife never wanted me to find this out because she is " in love" with me.

She wants to call a marriage councilor on Monday for us. WTF.

 

I told her I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday for myself but have no desire for MC of any kind right now. Hope I am doing the right thing?

 

I asked her to pack a few things and she started crying again. I told her I was in a very odd and confusing place in my mind, Im just being honest here, and that she needs to leave me alone for awhile.

 

She actually asked ME if I WAS GOING TO MOVE OUT? HA HA HA

 

My sister and myself own 3 condo complexes and just finished renovations on 1. I said she could stay there for a week while I am figuring things out, Free of charge ofcourse.

She only works part time and does not have alot of money to spend, anymore anyway!

On Saturday I closed our joint bank account and cancelled all of our credit cards. Paid all 4 off end of last month, Figure that one out???

 

I gave her a grand cash so she can eat and drive to work, Yes I am still paying for her new Accord. I claim it anyway.

 

So at least I am not being an evil, bitter husband although my brother thinks I'm being "Too Nice"

 

For some reason I feel worse than ever. A part of me wishes I had never found out at all BUT I am GLAD I did. I Have a choice now I guess.

 

Having children is off the table now BUT man I really wanted some with her...God damn it

 

Thank god for my family and friends and even sandra. She is coming over tonight for supper with us to tell me what happened on her side.

 

I still have more questions for my wife but maybe tomorrow when i see her again.

 

I will post later this evening with any updates .....Thanks again

[Bryanp]

Wow. Your wife is a real piece of work. Talk about a woman being in damage control. She has always loved you but has been screwing her lover since MAY and planned to continue screwing this guy for at least another month. Yes It really shows how much she loved you.

 

She said she was never going to tell you and planned to stop in January because she wanted to have children with you. The implication was this was affair would continue in the future. She plays the victim card and claims she thought you were having an affair but admits she has no proof. She tells you she loves you and it was only about sex (and so what if she put you at risk for STD's). This is supposed to make you feel better? You need to get tested for STD's by the way. In addition, the fact that she never had any intention to tell you indicates that since she thought she was able to get away with it, then in the future it would have been almost guaranteed to happen again with someone else.

 

Talk about being a selfish player. She enjoys the great lifestyle you provide, talks about having children with you, tells you how much she always loved you but has no problem taking a lover and screwing him since May apparently also in your home......What is wrong with this picture?

 

You seem like a good guy and would not have a problem finding another wife who truly respect you and truly loves you and believes in a committed relationship. This is not your wife. She sounds amazingly immature, spoiled and feels entitled to a great life despite betraying, disrespecting, humiliating and putting you her husband at risk for STD's behind your back. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Time to see a lawyer.

[MusicMan1234]

I'm sorry about this but...

 

Your wife is a cake eater. She couldn't come up with a legitimate reason for having an affair and tried to distract you by appealing to your masculinity. 'You're a beast in bed', give me a break. Even if this may be true, it doesn't hold the same excitment that doing a taboo like infidelity holds.

 

She doesn't feel remorse for her actions, she's just scared to be alone because she's too weak to fend for herself, or just doesn't want to. I wouldn't trust this woman as far as I could throw her, she's a practiced liar. I would question whether this is the only affair she has had.

 

Just out of curiosity, is she a busy person? I think half the reason these people star affairs is due to bordom. I personally believe that if people were busy with hobbies, work et cetera than they would have more important and productive things to think about then getting their rocks off.

[in_absentia]

Screw that bitch. I just read through this entire thread and I'm so sorry for what she's putting you through! She doesn't deserve you, and once the dust settles you will see that clearly. Be careful she doesn't end up sleeping at your condo for longer than a week. Maybe she'll struggle financially, but she doesn't get to live off of your money anymore now that she's screwed you over, lied to your face, put your health at risk and downright disrespected you.

 

Value yourself, trust in what you are worth, don't give this woman anything more than the divorce papers she deserves.

[sadcalifornian]

You are making it way too easy on her. She stating she was going to stop PA in Januaray to get pregnant with you does not mean she intended to stop the A. It just means that she plan to stall it till getting pregnant, but after that, she would continue sleeping with OM again, likely even during her pregnancy !!!

 

You may think I am over speculating, but I assure I am not. This kind of relationship does not end just because WW gets pregnant. You are lucky that OMW found out before things get much much worse. This is a despicable woman you have as your W, and she really needs to get D and mature, or face some serious serious consequences to get her acts together.

 

- Make her write NC letter to OM.

- Make her apologize to OMW either in person or over the phone.

- Make her write down a timeline detailing all the events related to A chronologically including even sexual nature.

- Make her take polygraph.

- Attend MC together.

** You can also consider making her sign post nuptial agreement.

 

 

There is saying, "Once a cheater always a cheater". Although I don't believe this holds true in all cases, there is some strong truth to this. After all, we are all creatures of habit and whatever is broken inside her that led her to having A is likely to tempt her to have another A down the line. Because of this reason, you must make her face some serious consequences, which will force her to make significant enough changes in her way of thinking. It will also link enough pain and scare as its fallout to the memory of "good time" with OM that she will be less likely tempted to bite the bait when the next opportunity comes knocking on her door.

 

You do jot need to be vindictive, but you must take some harsh actions so you won't have to worry about this crap ever again in your M.

[whichwayisup]

Leave Sandra out of this now, you don't need to be around her, she has her OWN husband to deal with.

 

Talk to a lawyer, get prepared. Thank God you didn't have children with her and I'm glad to hear that's off the table.

 

Do counselling. Put yourself first.

 

Your wife spun a bunch of lies and she's caught up in them. This affair had no reason to end, she's only sorry she got busted. She wanted an A and to stay married. Your wife's reaction shows no remorse, blame to you, turning the table on you. She's no where NEAR ready to let go of this guy and focus on fixing herself and proving to you she's worthy of another chance. Even her saying you should move out just shows where her selfish head is.

 

I suggest divorce. What's the point of trying to salvage the marriage when she's still lying and has no intention of totally ending the A with the MM. I believe she is going on the down low before contact is made again with her AP.

[PugInPajamas]

I would not be so good to someone who I discovered had betrayed me, lied to me and had such weak moral character.....and I Damn well wouldn't have kids with them. All I can say is she got busted so she confessed. How many things happened before that you DIDN'T find out about? She is obviously ok with lying.

[Steen719]

Everything she said to you was a lie outside of the part where she was never going to tell you. She never expected you to be in an affair she was just looking to justify her actions.

 

You can stay with her if you want but flat out she banged another guy in your home on your bed all the while planing to have children with you.

 

Make sure you value yourself in all of this

 

My XH cheated twice. The first time was a PA, then 14 years later, an EA (could have been more...not sure). I divorced him. There is a lot more, but I won't go into it here. What I did want to say, other than I am sorry you are going through this...it sucks, I know, is to tell you that this statement bolded above is one of the best pieces of advice I WISHED I had followed years ago. YOU must value yourself above all. My ego and self confidence took such a hit the first time, that honestly, I am not sure how I got what it took to divorce him the 2nd time. I did tell him that he did not value me and I had to value myself...who would, if not me? I stayed after the PA. I had a son who was 7 years old back then. He recently told (separately) my XH (who is trying very hard to get me back) and myself that he did not want us to marry again. He did not think it was fair to me to be in a relationship with someone who would treat me that way. He did tell me later that he was grateful that I stayed the first time, as he thought is was good that he had both of us growing up (I could have cried when I heard those words, as I always wondered if I had done the right thing), but he feels I did the right thing to divorce his dad.

 

Anyway.......I know this was long and about me, but what I wanted to tell you is that, although we have no way of knowing if a person will do this do us when we meet and date them and so we have children and then agonize about our decisions, you actually know what your wife is capable of and her level of deception is telling. It didn't mean anything, but she was going to continue it until the new year?? You can have a family with someone who might actually VALUE you, not someone you have to worry about, wondering if she is unhappy with you or not. I promise you, children are wonderful, but talk about stress! It changes your relationship and you already have a relationship that is on shaky ground.

 

Think about how you would feel if this happened to your sister. What would you think about her remaining in that kind of relationship. VALUE yourself, as aasdf implores you to.

 

Best of luck.

[Darth Vader]

Well how do i even go about explaining this?

 

What a night, long night. at least i got 3 hours of sleep on par with the rest of the last couple weeks.

 

Anyway, IT HAPPENED. By the way, I stopped drinking about an hour before she got home so I wasn't really intoxicated at all but I wish i had been!

 

Sandra and her husband had it out in the car, then she herself came into my place after her man took off. I asked her for some one on one time with my wife as she was fine with that..My sister took her upstairs and she had a good time i guess? Me not so much...

 

Not going to get into every single detail in one thread post but the moral of her story was that this affair of hers was not supposed to be permanent.

She has no desire to let me go and leave me for him? She doesn't seem to know why she even started it in the first place?

 

She did break down crying and was all over me with hugs and actually TRIED to kiss me. Broke my god damn heart to see her like that but I could not even get myself to respond and just kept pushing her back.

 

I do NOT even know this woman who I married??? I cannot understand why she did this.

 

A few of her "reasons" were, I had been working alot of hours and not alot of time between us? I only started the extra hours in September until first week of December. ( OH YA, this affair was not 3 months or so long, they were sleeping together in MAY.......MAY )This does not compute with me at all.

She also said that she thought I was having an affair on her with a woman in my downtown office who was there as a subcontract administrator for 10 weeks??? WTF, I asked her what proof she had of this and she said none. It was only a thought? That actually pissed me off she would even think that due to the fact it was last year and I was working out of my home office alot more than downtown when she was home with me, which she remembered, and the only times I was with this woman was with the city planners group in our conference office with a dozen or so other people!

ALL 6 TIMES....Jesus Christ all mighty

 

I asked her if she was ever going to tell me and she said NEVER. There affair was going to stop in the new year ( LUCKY ME ) when we were going to start to try for children, which she really wants.

 

I asked her why I wasn't good enough overall?

She says " You are more than good enough" but she wanted something "exciting and mysterious"

 

I DO NOT KNOW WHO THIS WOMAN IS?

 

She never said ANYTHING to me about problems we were having.

 

We talk everyday together, she says im a " BEAST in BED" so I know that wasn't it? I make her laugh, we used to walk every Sunday for 90 minutes together along the river and chat, we snuggled 3 nights a week alone to there god awful girly movies that have always made me "ill" but I never complained! family dinners, and alot of other CRAP just for her. BUT I guess I still wasn't good enough???

 

I feel worse about everything now, she says he meant nothing to her emotionally that it was only "Sex" but I saw this guy in my front yard and he looks weak to me. I am 6 foot 2, 223 lbs and in great shape. ( I have been living in a gym 10 hrs a week since I was a teen and still play Hockey once a week with our grunge team for fun and exercise ) This OM is 8 years older than me, He is rather good looking though but maybe 170 lbs or so. Sandra said he did not want to face me man to man. Probably better that way I guess.

 

My wife never wanted me to find this out because she is " in love" with me.

She wants to call a marriage councilor on Monday for us. WTF.

 

I told her I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday for myself but have no desire for MC of any kind right now. Hope I am doing the right thing?

 

I asked her to pack a few things and she started crying again. I told her I was in a very odd and confusing place in my mind, Im just being honest here, and that she needs to leave me alone for awhile.

 

She actually asked ME if I WAS GOING TO MOVE OUT? HA HA HA

 

My sister and myself own 3 condo complexes and just finished renovations on 1. I said she could stay there for a week while I am figuring things out, Free of charge ofcourse.

She only works part time and does not have alot of money to spend, anymore anyway!

On Saturday I closed our joint bank account and cancelled all of our credit cards. Paid all 4 off end of last month, Figure that one out???

 

I gave her a grand cash so she can eat and drive to work, Yes I am still paying for her new Accord. I claim it anyway.

 

So at least I am not being an evil, bitter husband although my brother thinks I'm being "Too Nice"

 

For some reason I feel worse than ever. A part of me wishes I had never found out at all BUT I am GLAD I did. I Have a choice now I guess.

 

Having children is off the table now BUT man I really wanted some with her...God damn it

 

Thank god for my family and friends and even sandra. She is coming over tonight for supper with us to tell me what happened on her side.

 

I still have more questions for my wife but maybe tomorrow when i see her again.

 

I will post later this evening with any updates .....Thanks again

 

 

Her "reasons" are B U L L S H I T !!!!!! She had reasons to screw this POS in your bed? EWWWWWW! Even her "timing" is off on you working long hours!

 

Something exciting and mysterious? Words of a selfish cake eater! She didn't say anything to you about any problems because she wanted some strange on the side!

 

She said you're a beast in bed? RIIIGHT! Otherwise she wouldn't be sampling the goods from someone else! She said it was all about the sex? Yeah, the thrills of riding someone else in your bed!

 

She had the gall to sit there and ask you if you're moving out?! That'll be the day when HELL freezes over!

 

Thank God you canceled those cards and started to take care of your bank account! One thing though, STOP PAYING FOR HER THINGS! You're still paying for her affair! So stop paying for her affair!

 

My conclusion, drop this cheating whore's ASS NOW! DIVORCE HER ASS!

 

Don't sleep with her EVER AGAIN! Don't have any children with her! Out her to her family!

[Spark1111]

Ultraman....

 

Welcome to LS. I am sorry you are going through this right now. I, too was a BS and know how very painful.....and how very confusing this time can be.

 

You need to focus on you; your health, your soul, your feelings.

 

I am glad you have booked IC.

 

I am glad you have the support of family. That's important. But I think you need to take a step back, breathe, and just focus on getting through the next couple of weeks.

 

No more Sandra. Not too much sister and brother. Just you, your thoughts and your healing.

 

This has become high drama and a ghoulish form of entertainment for all.

 

This needs to be between you and your wife right now, whatever you decide.

 

The only advice I can give you is that you have a right NOT TO DECIDE anything right now.

 

Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time for now.

 

Focus on you and regain some strength and some sanity. No easy task, I know.

 

Focus on what you want and what you need when the dust settles. If you are still unsure, that's okay too.

 

Push away all these "helpful" people and all our "helpful" advice and take as much time as you need to feel what would be right for you and your marriage, whether to try and fix it or to divorce.

 

Be very sure when you decide. No one can make this decision for you. You do not have to decide this day, this week, this month.

 

I wish you peace, as soon as it may come.

[Bryanp]

It is highly symbolic that she felt no guilt about not only betraying you but bringing her lover to your home and screwing him in your bed. It is the ultimate in degrading you and your marriage. She symbolically defecating on you, her wedding vows and your relationship.Only a person who has such a total broken moral compass would do such a thing. She has played you for a total fool. She will be correct if you stay with her.