OM's wife contacted me

[sadcalifornian]

I know you are sitting on the fence whether to R or not. However, if you get to the point where you feel likely to try R, then at least demand polygraph on your W. It gives you assurance that you have all the truth and it eases your mind in that regard. Also, it teaches your W that she cannot start up a double life in the future thinking she can take it to the grave and nobody will know.

 

It sounds like she is one of those women who can separate sex and emotional connection like many men. If so, the chances are high that she has done this before.

[drifter777]

Ultraman: The way you constantly refer to Sandra makes me question everything you bother to type on this forum. I simply don't believe your story. I think you are a troll and should get a life and stop posting here where many people are suffering.

[Bryanp]

This is priceless. She admits to bringing her lover to your home while you were gone and screwing him in unprotected sex in the sitting room but he commentr.....at least she didn't climax. I have a question for you:

1. Why would you believe anything she says?

2. Why would she not believe that this would have to be a deal breaker to you?

My guess is that she knows that you are a forgiving person and that even if she got caught she knew that you would eventually forgive her. I guarantee you if she knew that you would have immediately divorced her if she was cheating then she never would have taken a chance on doing it.

 

I really have to remember her line of yes I screwed him in our house but I didn't climax......What a classic line....Absolutely mindblowing.

[findingnemo]

Ultra man,

 

Your W uses sex as a weapon. She seems to think she is Cleopatra or something and that you find her irresistible. Why else would she try to make out with you in the middle of a major discussion about her A?

 

Bryanp is right. She knows that she can get to you because you are gentle and forgiving. IOW, she takes your forgiveness for granted. All she thinks she needs to do is give you some good ol' loving and all will be fine. Why is that? How many times has she got what she wanted from you by giving you good sex? Well, she has proved to be too generous with sex. Since she thinks it's an effective weapon, she's likely to use it in the future on her boss, your boss, your rich friends and any other male from whom she wants something.

 

This Sandra lady is intriguing. Not only is she beautiful but both your W and her H are scared of her. I hope she gets a D ASAP. For you, Sandra is off limits. Any closeness to her at this point will lead to intimacy. You share a little too much in terms of pain and betrayal. Like that movie with Harrison Ford where his W dies in a plane crash with her MOM and while searching for answers ends up with MOM's W. They end up together out of grief, betrayal and the inability to express thier anger at their dead partners. Unfortunately or fortunately for you both, your spouses are still in the land of the living. Stay away from Sandra.

[Mr_Confused]

Sandra is trouble. She's taking her husband infidelity way too much in stride, she's offering your back rubs, and you think she is sexy.

 

Sandra = compounding your issues.

 

I don't know why one of the previous posters thinks you are a troll.....

[Bugz Bunny]

I'm a forgiving person but the only thing that I can't forgive is cheating/Infidelity...and when I found out that my exWW cheated I filed for D the next day and I never looked back...

 

Divorce is my advice to you because you are in a better position then I when this happened to me because you dont have children with this woman and believe me there are a lot of beautiful women, you just need to find yourself a new one...

 

Good Luck

[sadcalifornian]

Sandra is trouble. She's taking her husband infidelity way too much in stride, she's offering your back rubs, and you think she is sexy.

 

Sandra = compounding your issues.

 

I agree with this post.

[stillafool]

 

I don't know why one of the previous posters thinks you are a troll.....

 

Because of other cuckolds like Nickster and Vanhandle.

[Ariadne]

Well Ultraman,

 

You seem to be handling this pretty well and are not in pieces.

 

Congrats for that and hope things become more clear in the future as for the course to take.

 

Seems like you are considering going back with her and putting this event behind.

 

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[EnigmaNY]

Hello everyone.. New to site.. UM, I can relate to what your saying and where you are as to "too D or not to D".. My W gave me all the excuses in the world, what I did not do and why it's my fault. I suspected mine was cheating and I sent flowers to office with no card and she did exactly what I thought, she called the service trying to find out, who sent her the flowers. She called me next and described the flowers as "something", asking if I sent anything to office, I responded "No". She calls me at work later telling me that her friend does not appreciate me sending her flowers on her job.

 

We had a later fight and I got to txt messages to see that thread on flowers, telling the person that she will remove them from her desk, the following day. I think the guy works @ her job. A job I encouraged her to quit after she started due to the stress that followed.

 

She filed a bogus Order of Protection, which worked initially. I received a letter from an attny stating she wants a split, I got an attny after leaving the house and filed papers.. Tried to serve her (giving her what she wanted), she refused the complaint. We called her attny and she never retained her for divorce, she paid her to write the intent letter..

 

Before a 4 way at attny's, our paths crossed and was miffed that I filed papers with the courts. Stating that her letter to me was just an "Intent letter". WTF does intent mean, I ask her? Anyway, she said she wanted to try reconcile. We spoke on regular basis, then that tailed off. We agreed to IC, which I currently am in, but she never does the same.

 

Anyway, I could go on, but I am on the fence on what I will do. But I'm about to fall off..

 

I feel sorry for W and others. Their sense of pride, won't allow them to confess that they were wrong. Defiant behavior after it out, makes it worse for MM to forgive and move on.

[sadcalifornian]

Hello everyone.. New to site.. UM, I can relate to what your saying and where you are as to "too D or not to D".. My W gave me all the excuses in the world, what I did not do and why it's my fault. I suspected mine was cheating and I sent flowers to office with no card and she did exactly what I thought, she called the service trying to find out, who sent her the flowers. She called me next and described the flowers as "something", asking if I sent anything to office, I responded "No". She calls me at work later telling me that her friend does not appreciate me sending her flowers on her job.

 

We had a later fight and I got to txt messages to see that thread on flowers, telling the person that she will remove them from her desk, the following day. I think the guy works @ her job. A job I encouraged her to quit after she started due to the stress that followed.

 

She filed a bogus Order of Protection, which worked initially. I received a letter from an attny stating she wants a split, I got an attny after leaving the house and filed papers.. Tried to serve her (giving her what she wanted), she refused the complaint. We called her attny and she never retained her for divorce, she paid her to write the intent letter..

 

Before a 4 way at attny's, our paths crossed and was miffed that I filed papers with the courts. Stating that her letter to me was just an "Intent letter". WTF does intent mean, I ask her? Anyway, she said she wanted to try reconcile. We spoke on regular basis, then that tailed off. We agreed to IC, which I currently am in, but she never does the same.

 

Anyway, I could go on, but I am on the fence on what I will do. But I'm about to fall off..

 

I feel sorry for W and others. Their sense of pride, won't allow them to confess that they were wrong. Defiant behavior after it out, makes it worse for MM to forgive and move on.

 

I would like to advise you on your situation, but that would be a t/j. Why don't you start your own thread?

[Richard Friedman]

Sandra is trouble. She's taking her husband infidelity way too much in stride, she's offering your back rubs, and you think she is sexy.

 

Sandra = compounding your issues.

 

I don't know why one of the previous posters thinks you are a troll.....

 

Why shouldn't he see her? Why shouldn't he have sex with her? The OM emasculated him by boning his wife in his own home(maybe in the bedroom). What better way to get some self esteem back? Typical woman's advice..

[Afishwithabike]

Why shouldn't he have sex with her? The OM emasculated him by boning his wife in his own home(maybe in the bedroom). What better way to get some self esteem back? Typical woman's advice..

 

Well it may make a difference from a legal standpoint. Say you're not in a no-fault divorce state, in such states having sex with the wayward spouse after they've admitted to an affair can be seen as a sign of forgiveness and it hampers the ability of the betrayed spouse to later bring up the adultery in court or use it against them. For example, in states which may require a separation before a divorce, having "marital relations" might reset the clock to a new point at which the legal separation begins.

[findingnemo]

Why shouldn't he see her? Why shouldn't he have sex with her? The OM emasculated him by boning his wife in his own home(maybe in the bedroom). What better way to get some self esteem back? Typical woman's advice..

 

As a woman, I fail to see how a revenge A will bring bring back self esteem that was eroded by a spouse's betrayal. It doesnt matter to me who the WS is, whether H or W. All it does is change the dynamics of the fight and dilute things. Everybody is now guilty of stupid behaviour. Why do you think it's a woman thing? All men think revenge As are good?

[Afishwithabike]

Well it may make a difference from a legal standpoint. Say you're not in a no-fault divorce state, in such states having sex with the wayward spouse after they've admitted to an affair can be seen as a sign of forgiveness and it hampers the ability of the betrayed spouse to later bring up the adultery in court or use it against them. For example, in states which may require a separation before a divorce, having "marital relations" might reset the clock to a new point at which the legal separation begins.

 

Ok, forget my post. I realized that you're referring to Sandra, not the wife.

[Ultraman]

Hi guys, too much on my mind this morning. Bad thoughts and all

 

Had my first therapy appointment yesterday and pretty intimidating to say he least. Was told about the Stages of grief, denial, and acceptance in no particular order. Dr. thinks maybe my train of thought is still pushing in the denial phase due to my lack of sleep, heavier drinking than normal and the fact i do not want to be alone, EVER. I am very grateful that my bro is staying with me because I am not sure I could handle being by myself.

 

I am told my feelings are very normal, I just can't get this out of my head.

I miss my wife terribly and would like to call her back but just seem to get upset when attempting. Have not answered any of her texts or emails, just have no idea what to say.

 

This is a lot more DIFFICULT than I thought it would be. I feel myself becoming very tense and angry as all hell just thinking about them together. Getting bad images in my mind but Dr. says its " absolutely normal to feel this way "

I am guessing the SHOCK of it all is wearing off and the ****ty reality is setting in. WHAT A TERRIBLE FEELING. How could anyone forgive anybody for something like this never mind MC and trying to cope and work through it together? Literally seems impossible!

 

my drinking is not out of control YET, but a little more everyday to help me cope. Seems weak on my end but have never experienced anything like this before.

 

picked up a book at chapters on infidelity and the coping steps to recovery, maybe this can give me some insight on myself and the problem.. who knows?

 

My brother is telling me to go away for a while, maybe Banff with my other bro for a few days. Snow boarding sounds fun but then again getting my ass beat with a baseball bat would be fun compared to what I am feeling.

 

This self pity and uncontrollable gazing are really starting to affect me.

 

I have to get my act together, i have 9 employees who depend on me and although have no new contract talks at all until February, I will need to get my head on straight to go back to work.

 

Am thinking maybe working long hours may help me cope better but not sure if I can handle the stress. just feel ****ty about everything???

 

Anyone out there have ideas on how long this could last?? Dr. says could be " YEARS " if not balanced out within myself. Jesus ****ing Christ!!!

 

 

Oh ya....let me just clear something up for EVERYONE out there....

 

As far as My relationship with Sandra goes, Absolutely NOTHING physical or emotional will happen between us PERIOD...I have NO DESIRE to kiss her, sleep with her, revenge **** her, anything like that. Doesn't take a cardiovascular surgeon to understand everything WRONG with a situation like that...

 

And as far as drifter's inept comment, My bro and I figured your story out immediately.

 

you are obviously a Male who has been betrayed.

 

1 of 2 scenarios are the fact,

 

1 your wife had an affair and left you in the dust, or...

 

2 your wife had an affair and you took her back and have never actually dealt with it even though you Lie to yourself about it. Probability is that you have been looking for a " revenge affair " for a LONG time but just can't find a woman to fill that void you desperately crave and the fact you most likely have next to no friends to turn to is just eating you up inside??

Well SUCK IT UP CHAMP and find other forums to Sulk on because I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS **** and my long term life plan was " Taken" from me.

 

So I will cope with it any way I need too, short term adjustments not easy but look much better than yours.

 

I hope I NEVER BECOME LIKE YOU because it's painfully obvious that YOU have been so resentful and so bitter for so long that any thought of recovery for you is in the toilet and you only have YOURSELF to blame!!!

 

Ahhh, that made me feel better ( a little )

 

As for everybody else, thanks for listening and please respond with your personal answers of length of time it took you to forget or at least forgive your spouse reconciled or not...

[reboot]

As for everybody else, thanks for listening and please respond with your personal answers of length of time it took you to forget or at least forgive your spouse reconciled or not...

 

You aren't going to want to hear this, but ~ 5 years.

[2sunny]

The drinking could get concerning...it did for me.

 

I wanted to cover up my feelings so much that I got to a place where I couldn't stop the drinking.

 

I felt I had been a perfect wife.

We were still having amazing sex everyday - sometimes 2 or 3 times a day

We had it all.

I kept an expensive house spotless and was a fantastic chef.

Our kids were great, friends and family galore.

 

Yet he felt entitled. He showed no remorse - only sorry he got caught. 23 years - over!

 

I wasn't willing to live with his narcissism, his sense of hurting me to make himself happy.

 

Then - I escaped. I escaped in the drinking for 2 years. It's a dark, ugly place to go. Anxiety and depression was normal. I isolated, became more resentful and then angry at myself for making it so bad in the end.

 

Then- near death - I made a decision to change, to recover. That included facing my fears of my shattered dreams and building a new and improved life.

 

It's been almost 4 years now - and everything has gotten amazing!

 

You can get past this. But the depression only gets bigger if you drink.

 

Do things for yourself that are positive! It's a must!

 

Keep posting. And keep being honest with yourself - it's critical at this juncture!

 

She let you down, shattered dreams, you CAN build new dreams! Get busy living!

 

Never settle!

[stopdropandroll]

I tried the throwing myself into work thing but I couldn't focus and just ended up frustrating myself even more. I was seriously depressed and the best thing for me at the time was to be around friends and family and just being able to vent. I'd go for drives and blast my music and scream at my wife (she wasn't there just pretended she was) which helped to get rid of some of the anger. That whole process lasted about a month. Physical activites definitely help! Running, working out, sports, anything physical. Hang in there as it does get better. Stay off the bottle though as the fastest way to recovery is by facing your feelings and processing them. Drinking will just slow that down.

[2long]

UM:

 

Based on your story thus far, and how well you do appear 2 be coping in the "logical" department, plus your 4-yr childless marriage...

 

I bet you'll recover yourself quicker than most BHs do. I would predict that you could be back on your feet, at least able 2 function at work and socially, in a matter of many months, rather than years.

 

It might take years for you 2 recover such that you're ready 2 have a healthy committed relationship again, but even there I don't think it will take you that long. It already sounds like you've got your waterfowl coaxial by not wanting another relationship while you get yourself back on your feet. This is good, not only for your own self-esteem, but your integrity and values as well - you wouldn't want 2 use someone as a means of getting back at your STBXW for her affair, as what kind of relationship would that be?

 

There have been people here who've been in similar sitches and recovered from them. There have also been a few who've had revenge affairs with the OP's BS and had it blow up in their faces. Wish I could remember the guy from a couple years back who did just this and wound up creating a huge mess for everyone. You sound far from that s2pid, though, so I'm not concerned.

 

Be well,

-ol' 2long

[jstobo]

UltraMan: I have my story posted here from February on. You can glance through the different things I have gone through. D day was late October of 2010 and she moved out in March of 2011. I actually consider March more of my starting point.

 

If I could do one thing over, it would be how I handled October thru March. I wish with all my heart I kicked her to the curb as you have done. However, I have absolutely no guilt as you shouldn't either. I wish I had more dignity, but I gain more and more as each day passes. I have two kids, so we have weekly contact. I'm forced to put on a smiley, I don't give a s*** about what you're doing face about 3 times a week.

 

To answer your question, I am nearly 9 months removed from my STBX. Things are way better today than they were 9 months ago. But it is still a battle. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about them together. I have noticed those thoughts have gone from shock and total despair, to anger and now it's more resentment. Each stage is easier to handle and I get back to normal faster.

 

I took the approach of being alone for a while. I have my kids 50% of the time, so they fulfill the time your brother is filling yours. But I actually spent entire weekends in my house alone watching football and movies. For me, I needed time to just grieve. I didn't want to be depressed around other people. I did the same at work, which wasn't good, but my employees understood what I was dealing with. I never drank much and I have probably drank less since the separation. I found drinking made me weaker and that's when I didn't things I regretted the next day.

 

I date, but so far that hasn't been rewarding, but I keep swinging. I understand what you're saying about Sandra. I can't sleep with someone just to sleep with them. I have to be attracted to them and emotionally connected. I believe you when you say there isn't anything there physically.

 

I recently started working out again and I do notice how much better I feel when I do that. My separation has crippled me financially which is another stress to deal with. It sounds as though you don't have that to worry about, so be grateful about that.

 

So nearly 9 months in, I am doing better, but I still have a ways to go. My marriage was 11 years and we have two kids. I think you are going to be doing A LOT BETTER sooner than 9 months.

 

Keep it up.

[Trimmer]

There have been people here who've been in similar sitches and recovered from them. There have also been a few who've had revenge affairs with the OP's BS and had it blow up in their faces. Wish I could remember the guy from a couple years back who did just this and wound up creating a huge mess for everyone. You sound far from that s2pid, though, so I'm not concerned.

 

I think you may be referring to "Lorenzo", in this thread. Ultimately, he ended up together with his WW's OM's wife, but it was a hellish path, including the OM contacting Lorenzo's parents, who said they would never accept Lorenzo's relationship with OM's wife, etc... About 6 months after starting the thread, he posted that he and the OM's wife were still together, although her divorce was still "dragging along" while the OM tried to obstruct their being together. Eighteen months further down the road, he posted this update, that she (the OM's wife) had finally completed her divorce, and he was sounding settled in (although his wording left some ambiguity about whether they had actually married or not...) Haven't heard from him since.

[EnigmaNY]

UM,

 

The therapy will help.. So much so, you look forward to each session. I also own a side biz and as the orders mounted, I did not feel like going into the shop or touching anything. My anger is lingering, but it takes time. Unfortunately, you will have more days of anxiety, anger and disbelief, including revisiting what you could have possibly done to bring this about. At the end of the day, don't blame yourself.

Having your family helps, but I chose not to express to much because, if W comes to her senses and genuinely wants to work at it, your family will have to accept your decision if you choose to try again. She may not want to try, because your family now hates her.

I think if she goes to therapy for herself, quickly, anything can happen.. If she doesn't try, be prepared for the other direction. It sucks. Keep your head up..

[2long]

I think you may be referring to "Lorenzo"

 

Yep, that's the one! A fine mess, at best!

 

-ol' 2long

[Ultraman]

Hello again, sorry for no posts all week. staying busy, preoccupied with some work, legal and, family related issues.

 

Was reading personal posts from EnigmaNY and jstobo and just gotta say Sorry guys. pretty ****ty what you guys are going through and thanks for sharing. Did notice when reading other posts on this web site that it seems to be the same people posting responses on multiple forums. Some good and some bad responses even a few hypocritical ones at that not to mention some very bitter ones as to which I can relate somewhat.

 

Seems that the bitter ones may have not completely gotten over past hurt and that scares me. Certainly do not want to end up like that.

 

It seems that I may have a better chance, short and long term of recovering from this compared to others. Lets hope so.

 

My brother and I actually read the entire post about the Lorenzo revenge affair ordeal and the whole thing sounded crazy to us. But in the end it seems that they did last together and will live happy with each other. Don't see a problem with that because they found new love in each other from a terrible ordeal that they shared so good for them I suppose.

 

As far as my wife goes, I did have a few encounters with her last week. I can say for certain that I don't hate her as much as I thought I would???

not sure if that is normal but maybe still my love for her that keeps me from lashing out or over reacting? She blew up at me Thursday night because her Father found out from her sister about whats been going on. I did NOT tell her but my sister did. they are friends and do hang out together from time to time. Her sister and her husband came over Friday night during a get together to talk to me and says they supports me what ever my decision will be. had lunch with my father in law on Sunday as well and he is apologizing constantly about his daughters behavior. told him I can deal with it and that it was not his place to apologize for her. He's a super great guy and i respect him and my mother in law a lot. they support my decision as well if I choose to file for a divorce. I am lucky about that too as it seems that other posters horror stories show a cold shoulder and ignorance from cheating spouses family and friends. All of this reassures me at least, that I am NOT COMPLETELY at fault for this mess.

 

I had gone to a wedding on Saturday for a couple I know. I have to say did bring back some memories from my wedding day and ya, it was ****ty just standing there through the ceremony but I did it and am happy for them. Groom said later that night he could tell I was a bit of a mess but thanked me and was glad I could be there for them. Made me feel better i guess and actually had a pretty good time for the evening and the after party was good as well. got to see a lot of people that I have not seen in a long time and it was nice to not think about the wife for a while. My date was great as well and made me laugh. She knows what im going through so am fortunate to see that i am NOT ALONE.

 

Played hockey last week, 2 back 2 back games and my wife and a girl friend of hers actually came to watch us. she approached me at the end of the first game and brought me a coffee. The coffee was bitter, lol just kidding...

was nice of her I guess but I guess she can see how I am feeling and it looks like she genuinely feels bad about all of this. It still is hard but I did score 4 goals during second game and i gotta say she was cheering up a storm and I felt pretty good about it. gave her the 3 fingers salute and she laughed. Always did that to her If I scored 3 or more time. still couldn't get that natural hat trick though.

 

After the game both of them came out for pizza and beers with us and it was kinda like old times but not quite if you know what I mean. Her and I were playing VLT's a she was talking about us. Things like she is worried that I will get over her quickly and she says she still loves me and misses me. She misses folding my clothes??? Other things as well. She is seeing a therapist as well and trying to get her head on straight. Asked me I we could see a marriage councilor together but flat out declined.

 

Just to mention, I would NEVER see a MC for any reason, but may consider a marriage coach some time in the future if I chose to try to work this out.

Not feeling that however, and wife knows that. She tells me that she hasn't seem or talked too the other man for a while now and that she wants to see a movie on Tuesday with me. I told her i would but it would be a movie I wanted to see. She agreed ( That's a first for her ) and so It will be like a date. I have to ask, Is this a good idea? Bro says NO but sis says try it. I really do not even know who my wife is anymore so it is like a date with a different woman? Entire thing seems sureal and not sure if even a good idea but maybe will make me see things differently and right now, anything different is good.

 

I am going the approach of total good guy but not Mr. Push over. Have decided to be tough in every aspect but not an *******. I do love her still and think she loves me too but that is not to say we are getting back together. She says she will not be at work for a couple of weeks and that she found a place of her own with girl friend of hers. Asked me to help her move but said NO. told her that my life is about ME now for the next little while and she says she understands. Did not try to argue with me. She also apologized for yelling at me about her father confronting her and says she will call my sister to apologize as well.

 

I will give my wife the benefit of the doubt however do not want to lead her on in any way that this is the start of reconciliation of our relationship.

I do miss her a lot but she is giving me my space. she did ask why I am not asking her a lot about the OM or their affair? WHY the hell would I?

I am keeping my bitterness in check which i guess makes me look good but she says it makes her feel bad like i am supposed to be arguing with her and angry about everything! I think her therapist is telling her this is unusual but what would this do for ME??? I will say that it was not as hard top be around her as it was last week. shock and denial about it all? WHO KNOWS.

 

still taking it day by day, seems like i am living my life a quarter mile at a time and do not see any long term achievements for myself which is natural according to my therapist. The book i am reading seems to shed some light on some things i am feeling but my outlook seems to be different than the " Norm".

 

I am sleeping a little better, like the new bed but feels empty? Just me I suppose. Wife coming by this evening again to grab some things and talk again.

 

Would like to tell her how incomplete I feel without her but do not want to give any false hope to her or myself. Damn, damn, damn

 

Will post later on tonight and thanks again...