OM's wife contacted me

[2long]

UM:

 

If she has even the faintest hope of winning you back, she needs 2 have NO CONTACT with the OM for ANY REASON. Every time she has contact, you should assume that the affair is still going on (it is) and start the clock over.

 

Be VERY CAREFUL. If she were 2 get pregnant now, by anybody, she could plausibly say that the baby is yours, until it's born at least. You should not have sex with your WW while she's still wayward.

 

What's up with these "visits" of hers? Who's calling the shots, anyway? This isn't like dating. You wouldn't date someone who'd done what she did 2 you, would you? So why are you letting her come 2 your house so often? I don't think this is good for you at all.

 

-ol' 2long

[Steen719]

Ended up talking about the other guy.

I did find out from a mutual friend of ours that they have talked in person and I did ask her, she said she had a few times but nothing physical between them. Hard to believe but no way to know. she said he has been to her new place helping her move, how nice of him and even nicer of her to ask him????????

Oh no...danger sign!

 

She also needs to come back tomorrow evening to talk about something " very important " with me?

I really, really hope this is not about her having kids or that she is already pregnant. 2Long nailed it. This is NOT a good idea for her to get pregnant now.

 

I think, based on my experiences with XH, that sex is an attempt to manipulate you. You do not say no, so you show her that you still have those feelings. I made the mistake of doing this before I left on my trip for a month to help my s-i-l (brother had died and she needed some help). While I was gone, he continued his interest in his OW and added many other young women, strippers, in-general slut type women on his facebook. I thought the sex we had was lovemaking; I was wrong. He was trying his best to claim me, manipulate me and he asked every day all day long until I finally explained it would never ever happen again.

 

Do your best not to succumb. If you continue this, it muddies the water and you will not be thinking with a clear head...so to speak:rolleyes:

[Lexygirl]

I did talk to her about a divorce and she really needs me to think about it, says I am " throwing our life, marriage and, memories away". That kind of hurts coming from her considering. ..

 

Are you kidding me ? ... SHE is the one who is "throwing our life, marriage and memories away" ...

 

Wow, everything she is doing now SCREAMS manipulation !!

Thing is, I'm afraid you don't see that.

 

IF she wants to repair the damage that SHE caused, SHE is going to have to be the one to work damn hard to move in the right direction here.

 

Also, please, please, do NOT drink alcohol when you know she is coming over. I know you feel like it may numb some of the pain but honestly all it's doing is clouding your judgement.

If you need to have a drink, do it after she leaves.

 

Good luck to you. Take care.

[jnj express]

She still sees, and uses her lover---and she thinks she is into R, the mge.

 

Come on Ultra---she is just manipulating you---she used her wiles into having sex with you, she cooks for you, and she comes over every night to talk

 

Either you are going to R., or you arn't, but right now, she is dictating, and you are just rolling over----WHERE IS THE ACCOUNTABILITY

 

Where is the NC.

 

If she REALLY wanted to R., there would be NC, even if she is seperated.

 

Right now you are part of a 3some---and why would you believe her when she says there is nothing going on with her lover

 

She looked you right in the eyes every night for how many months, and told you everything was fine----SHE KNOWS HOW TO LIE, DECIEVE, MANIPULATE, AND CONNIVE---and she is doing it to you, and you are accepting it.

 

When you see her tomorrow, or the next day, and you will---ask her how come she chose her lover over her H., on thanksgiving.

 

You can R., but there MUST be Harshness, and accountability, otherwise she will just cheat again, knowing she can win you back as she is doing now!!!!!!!

[robf1971]

she used her wiles into having sex with you, she cooks for you, and she comes over every night to talk

 

It's called Tagging, Google it!!

[nofool4u]

Oh, BTW, Ultraman, Johnny Sokko's Flying Robot can kick your butt!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I did talk to her about a divorce and she really needs me to think about it, says I am " throwing our life, marriage and, memories away". That kind of hurts coming from her considering. I still have a hard time even seeing her but I really do love and miss her. I understand that a separation is not the best way to fix this marriage BUT my therapist thinks this is good for me for the time being. She will wait for me if she truly loves me amongst other things so I'm told? Others tell me different but the thought of her staying with me is extremely discomforting. That's why I am not to proud of myself for what happened Saturday...

She asked if she could stay the night with me, just us.

 

Whatever you choose to do... realize that getting back with her... it's going to take you like 5 years to get over this crap.... IF you get over it.

 

If you move on... you WILL find someone else, and you will heal in 6 months.

 

Your choice... but if you get back together with her without taking at least 2 months to date... you are an idiot.

 

Needless to say, still talked and talked. She tells me she misses me a lot and can't really sleep much. She has lost weight but I didn't say. She still goes to her club for running and exercise with a couple friends but says she's " confused " Heard that word 700 times this month..**** me...

 

I just hear wind....

 

At this point the last thing she should be is "confused"... she either wants you or doesn't. Accept nothing less.

 

Ended up talking about the other guy.

I did find out from a mutual friend of ours that they have talked in person and I did ask her, she said she had a few times but nothing physical between them. Hard to believe but no way to know. she said he has been to her new place helping her move, how nice of him and even nicer of her to ask him????????

 

She told you before they had no contact....

 

Asked her why the guy was trying to talk to me? Apparently he needs to ask me about my relationship with soon to be ex? What relationship?

Wife says she needs to know as well. I really should of made up some story about us but told her that nothing was going on, and that is the truth. I will admit the whole revenge **** thing sounds better everyday but it's just not in me.

 

This might be a complete lie.... or not. She might be just afraid your moving on with someone.

 

Bottom line... you can't believe what she says and you can't trust her motives.

 

 

I thought this would have made me look at her differently but It really didn't. I know she had fun but she was different too. Very weird. Passed out right on the couch. Next morning was interesting. I really didn't feel good at all about what I had done. She was up before me making breakfast and brought me coffee and sat with me. It was almost like old times but I know I am still hurt because I thought about her and the affair as soon as my eyes opened. Terrible feeling!!!!!!!

 

Ok... angry sex is really good. But God don't let her back in just because you need a nut sometimes.

 

You miss her... I get that. The problem is... do you really miss her, or just having someone there?

 

We ate and then she left. She seems like everything is back to normal somewhat? Is this normal in itself?

She also needs to come back tomorrow evening to talk about something " very important " with me?

Lucky me, post later if anything important..

 

She strikes me as extremely manipulative. Fool you once... Fool you twice.

 

Bottom line... don't take her words or actions at face value. Don't go around thinking she has some golden pu$$y and there is no woman better.

 

Do you really, really believe this woman is the best you can do? The best you can hope for in a wife?

[2sunny]

Allowing her to continue visiting in your home sends the message that you still have hope she will change.

 

But her evidence shows she isn't even sorry - just sad she got caught.

 

She's still cheating - still seeing her OM = yet you give her the impression all is ok by continuing to talk to her, have her over and even have sex with her non-sorry a$$.

 

You are now sending her mixed signals!

 

Either you are in - and willingly allow her to cheat on you - or you're done and you cut the ties and ANY communication.

 

If you stay with this cheater - know what you are choosing.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, she's blaming you if you two divorce. Nice. Where is your anger? It's one thing to feel pain, but you're not PISSED OFF. Because of this, she's manipulating you, she knows you still love her and will take her back. The thing is, she isn't showing remorse, she isn't owning her part in this, and she is STILL having an affair with the OM. That's far from over. Sure, maybe they aren't physical right now but they are talking daily and keeping things on the down low for a while. Until she suffers real consquences and loses you completely, like going NC and allow her to see what life will be like without you in it, this game she's playing with you will go on for a long time. She has no intention of changing her ways.. Why? Because you can't stand up to her and get pissed off, no more Mr. Nice guy and being pleasent to her, making it comfortable and easy..

 

Look, I know you love her but right now the woman in front of you is NOT the woman you said vows to! She is selfish and playing you like a fiddle. Not malciously, but selfishly so she can get what she wants.

 

She uses her tears as she knows it'll get to you and you'll cave, back off.

[eamherst14051]

Hate to be cynical but something does not sound right with this thread. Doesn't our 'hero' go out of his way to seem pathetic? Just seems that way to me.

[findingnemo]

Our "hero" hasn't done anything of the sort. He is not pathetic.

 

UM, she did try to use the sex to control you. Believe it when I tell you it's normal to have sex with someone you think you hate in these types of situations. So don't beat yourself up too much.

 

My view is that your W is bullshyting you. She isn't remorseful at all and for some reason thinks all she has to do is be sweet and you'll crumble. That must have been the dynamic before. She must be very beautiful, huh?

 

People don't change easily. She won't change - acting sexy and using sex as a weapon is her MO. If you R, she'll have further proof that her MO works. She'll keep repeating it throughout your M. Ask yourself if she has changed in anyway.

[Ultraman]

Afternoon, what to say?

 

Have not seen my wife since Tuesday night nor have I answered any calls or texts. Still don't want to be alone. Brothers gonna stay for the holidays with me.

 

Sandy came by last night to chat with us, says she is still talking to her dickhead husband and apparently he really wants to work things out with her.

That's for them and them alone. he " swear" to her that my wife and him are not being intimate together but only they would know for sure. says he is sleeping at his brothers place for the time being.

 

She also said my wife approached her to ask what was going on with her and myself as far as relations go but just told her to **** off and leave before she called the police.

 

I ended up packing our wedding albums in a box ( minus 1 photo ) and sent them with father in law to give to her or throw out, his choice.

House does feel empty without her but I should be able to manage. Been working again from home a few hours a day and feels ok for the most part.

 

Father in law has been helping her out financially and told me to stop giving her cash, stand up guy he is. Him and I played crib the other day and had a few drinks. He seems to be a little upset about this **** as well. Told me he is disappointed in her decisions and is embarrassed about it all. Made me feel like **** that he is feeling bad but that's life i suppose. Just glad he is still talking too me.

 

I have been told that my wife has also talked to an attorney in regards to a divorce and settlement. I am interested to know what she was told and interestingly enough, my father knows her as well. Maybe I will see what dad can find out if he's able too.

 

Just gotta say i have read a couple three threads on this web site as of late and cannot believe how much this **** actually happens EVERYWHERE.

some truly brain dead spouses out there on BOTH sides or the affair factor..

 

I still feel stupid about banging her the other night and don't know what the hell I was thinking. cut back on the drinking since then and am running alot more when feeling pissed off or upset in general. Helps a little. I have lost 16 lbs. already but in good way for the most part. Appetite is better lately as well plus haven't woken up in the middle of the night in the last 3 days.

 

As far as the reconciliation factors go, bending more and more everyday on the divorce side. Cant tell if she is sorry or remorseful but not seeing her that much. She is still calling me and has filled up the message logs on both my cells and our land line. Give it a couple more days then maybe see what she has to say to me.

 

First Christmas as a single guy in years and I know I will have too see her on Christmas Eve at her parents party. Already to her old man I would come by for a bit. Going to be awkward I think...

 

well thats all i guess, thanks for listening.......

 

 

And as far as someone calling me a " hero " ???

 

I have put 4 holes in my closet door with my fist and tore my bedroom door right off the hinges and threw it down the stairs only to chip a piece of my new and very expensive hardwood floors when I was drinking and pissed right off at the world.......................Some ' Hero ' .........................

 

 

Later....

[2sunny]

You have every right to feel angry. Placing it on "things" - nothing wrong with that! Healthy actually. Take a few coffee mugs (preferably hers) out back and break them!

 

You're doing great. I'd opt not to go Xmas eve tho... Emotions can get in the way of solid decisions during the holidays.

[2.50 a gallon]

Ultraman

 

My first Christmas was the toughest, even though I had six months to prepare for it.

 

It would have been our first anniversary. From our first Christmas together she had started a tradition of decorating the tree in this very naughty outfit. Which had me wondering if she was putting on a similar performance for someone else

 

I thought I was doing well, (I was dating, had lots of new friends, some of them female to bake cookies with) until I got a Christmas card from her with a photo of Betty Page on the cover. And on the inside her new address and invite to come over.

 

I almost caved. I spent the next week having to fight myself from not calling her.

 

Luckily about 3 days before Christmas we finished a large job at work, and at the Christmas lunch was given a large bonus and told the shop was closing until after New Years. That night I took a night flight back home to be with my family.

 

The day after Christmas, it was like somebody had turned the light switch off in my brain and once again, I was able to think rationaly and maintain no contact

[whichwayisup]

Ultra, wise idea to cut down on the drinking.

 

For the anger that's building up in you? Seriously bro, join a gym and work it off that way. Good way of keeping yourself in shape and letting out steam, channeling that anger and bad feelings into a punching bag.

 

Since she's been speaking to a lawyer, time for you to consider doing the same thing. Protect yourself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have put 4 holes in my closet door with my fist and tore my bedroom door right off the hinges and threw it down the stairs only to chip a piece of my new and very expensive hardwood floors when I was drinking and pissed right off at the world.......................Some ' Hero ' .........................

Later....

 

Proof to me that your going to be all right in the end.

 

The guys that blame themselves for everything are the ones I worry about. The doormats.

 

You Sir... are no doormat. Keep Truckin!

[Steen719]

I don't think I would go to the Christmas party at the in-laws. It sounds like the her father would understand and it sounds like a recipe for anger or sadness or both.

 

Just IMHO, any kind of contact she has with the MM, whether they are being intimate or not, is inappropriate if she truly wants you back. Why does she need to be in touch with him? What possible reason?

 

You are very lucky to have family near and with you. Wish you the best. I don't think I would wish this on my worst enemy.

[Ultraman]

Ultraman

 

My first Christmas was the toughest, even though I had six months to prepare for it.

 

It would have been our first anniversary. From our first Christmas together she had started a tradition of decorating the tree in this very naughty outfit. Which had me wondering if she was putting on a similar performance for someone else

 

I thought I was doing well, (I was dating, had lots of new friends, some of them female to bake cookies with) until I got a Christmas card from her with a photo of Betty Page on the cover. And on the inside her new address and invite to come over.

 

I almost caved. I spent the next week having to fight myself from not calling her.

 

Luckily about 3 days before Christmas we finished a large job at work, and at the Christmas lunch was given a large bonus and told the shop was closing until after New Years. That night I took a night flight back home to be with my family.

 

The day after Christmas, it was like somebody had turned the light switch off in my brain and once again, I was able to think rationaly and maintain no contact

 

 

Hey guys, 2.50, what switch were you referring to and I take it you guys never got back together...?

 

A typical Monday morning and a week before Christmas.... was shopping on Saturday for gifts and realized a third of the stuff I was buying was for my wife? Kinda hit me in the check out line and I just left the cart there and walked out of the store. Will go shopping sometime tonight instead.

 

Talk about bull**** drama in my life... On Saturday was downtown at the mall at I saw my wife there outside the parkade doors with sandra's husband. They were yelling at each other, could not quite hear what about but made sure i was not seen. I did stand there behind a pillar and just watched them. looked like they were married for 20 plus years and my wife was just screaming at him, making quite a seen actually. people were staring at them. Left after a minute or so. ****ing pissed me off!!!

 

Called sandra later and told her what I saw and she was dumfounded as well. Told her not to say anything to her husband. I knew my wife was coming by that evening to drop off the spare house key and some discs that she packed by accident. The childish part of me wanted to test her about something?

 

My wife came by last night, actually knocked this time. did not just walk right in. we talked for a while about bull**** and Christmas. Her dad told her I was invited to their house Christmas eve and she is glad I am going.

 

I asked her in no uncertain terms if she had seen the other guy lately? She actually admitted it too me that she had in fact seen him and they had a pretty bad argument! About ME??? She says he is pretty much calling or emailing her everyday about anything and everything and is trying to get back together with her. Sandra said the same thing too me. I am seriously considering beating the **** out of this fool for a Christmas gift to myself.

 

My wife had all her emails printed out and phone records from her old phone and her new one to show me???? Did NOT ask her for these. still have not looked at them. I also got flowers delivered to my house Saturday early afternoon. Figured my wife kissing ass or something but she knows i don't even like flowers. She asked me who gave them too me??? I thought it was her??? I have NO idea who gave them to me. Bro and Sis say not them either??? Think my wife is lying about it but oh well... Can't stop thinking about who got them for me. No name just a card saying " thinking of you this Season " ???

 

Wife stayed pretty late with me and of course tried to put the moves on me but I declined. Whole hate **** thing leaving a bad taste in mouth. A part of me is a little worried about some things in regards to sandra's husband. My wife seems to be on edge about how he is acting. A part of me says to go beat his ass but I think it would be for her! She knows I will do it if needed but don't want to come off as " Knight in shining armor ". I don't have a princess anymore and the only thing being shined is my '67 fast back in the garage.. May seem petty and selfish but thats kinda my way of thinking as of late.....

 

Did say too her to call the cops and report him and if they do nothing, then tell me and I will do something... I am thinking I should face him regardless because he has been too my house again but wasn't home. My Brother told me and tried to call me but was busy or something. This ****er is really stating to get on my nerves.

 

I will say this....Someone posted on here that when i feel emotional or vulnerable or just plain horny for my wife...Just think of them ****ing in my bed and I will think differently about it. IT ACTUALLY WORKS. I tried it and wow was I instantly pissed at her...easy way to break sexual tension between us.. Won't tell her though.

 

I also instructed my attorney to secure the majority of my monies. I have most of my funds in Costa Rica and Panama banks, for years now and wanted reassurance about finance protection. Less weight on my shoulders. Every betrayed spouse should do this by the way................

 

I guess that's it.....i will post again before Christmas...Take care all......

[2.50 a gallon]

Ultraman

 

No I neverdid reconcile with my Ex. It was my choice

 

What I was trying to say, is that, she wanted to reconcile, I did not, and even though we had been separated for six months and I thought that I was detached, I began to weaken when the holidays came around.

 

The day after Christmas I was back to normal

[2long]

UM

 

You might want 2 let her know that, if she really wants 2 be able 2 convince you that she's sincere about recovery, then she'll need 2 be able 2 proove that she is having no contact with OM for any reason! You, of course, don't have 2 want 2 rebuild.

 

ol' 2long

[Steen719]

 

Called sandra later and told her what I saw and she was dumfounded as well. Told her not to say anything to her husband. I knew my wife was coming by that evening to drop off the spare house key and some discs that she packed by accident. The childish part of me wanted to test her about something?

 

Didn't she say he was trying to get back with her? Staying with his brother, but trying to make an effort to reconcile with her?

 

My wife came by last night, actually knocked this time. did not just walk right in. we talked for a while about bull**** and Christmas. Her dad told her I was invited to their house Christmas eve and she is glad I am going.

 

I asked her in no uncertain terms if she had seen the other guy lately? She actually admitted it too me that she had in fact seen him and they had a pretty bad argument! About ME??? She says he is pretty much calling or emailing her everyday about anything and everything and is trying to get back together with her. Sandra said the same thing too me. I am seriously considering beating the **** out of this fool for a Christmas gift to myself.

 

Does this mean he is doing the same thing to Sandra, also? So, he is trying to get back with his wife and your wife at the same time and if your wife says yes, he will not keep trying with Sandra or vice versa?

 

My wife had all her emails printed out and phone records from her old phone and her new one to show me???? Did NOT ask her for these. still have not looked at them. I also got flowers delivered to my house Saturday early afternoon. Figured my wife kissing ass or something but she knows i don't even like flowers. She asked me who gave them too me??? I thought it was her??? I have NO idea who gave them to me. Bro and Sis say not them either??? Think my wife is lying about it but oh well... Can't stop thinking about who got them for me. No name just a card saying " thinking of you this Season " ???

 

Maybe Sandra?

 

Wife stayed pretty late with me and of course tried to put the moves on me but I declined. Whole hate **** thing leaving a bad taste in mouth. A part of me is a little worried about some things in regards to sandra's husband. My wife seems to be on edge about how he is acting. A part of me says to go beat his ass but I think it would be for her! She knows I will do it if needed but don't want to come off as " Knight in shining armor ". I don't have a princess anymore and the only thing being shined is my '67 fast back in the garage.. May seem petty and selfish but thats kinda my way of thinking as of late.....

 

Did say too her to call the cops and report him and if they do nothing, then tell me and I will do something... I am thinking I should face him regardless because he has been too my house again but wasn't home. My Brother told me and tried to call me but was busy or something. This ****er is really stating to get on my nerves.

 

Is he following her or did he know she was going to be there? If he is following her, creepy, and if he knew...she told him.

 

I will say this....Someone posted on here that when i feel emotional or vulnerable or just plain horny for my wife...Just think of them ****ing in my bed and I will think differently about it. IT ACTUALLY WORKS. I tried it and wow was I instantly pissed at her...easy way to break sexual tension between us.. Won't tell her though.

 

I also instructed my attorney to secure the majority of my monies. I have most of my funds in Costa Rica and Panama banks, for years now and wanted reassurance about finance protection. Less weight on my shoulders. Every betrayed spouse should do this by the way................

 

I guess that's it.....i will post again before Christmas...Take care all......

 

I really, really would leave this guy alone. I understand you are angry and it is probably easier to be angry with him than her, but all this will do is possibly land you in jail. I remember there was a fellow on here who followed his feelings to beat the other man up and he went to prison for it. Maybe someone can remember the poster and you can read his posts for some perspective.

 

You are hurt and we all understand that, but he is just one part of this problem and if he is really harassing her, then she needs to file with the police, and YOU do not need to ruin your life by coming to her rescue. I am not trying to be mean, but she isn't exactly honest, so how much of his behavior with her has to do with any encouragement she might be giving him?

 

I may be wrong, but I think his entire reason for wanting to talk to you is to ensure that you are not doing something with his wife.After all, he wants them both.

Bah Humbug this Christmas! It used to be one of the best times of year for me.

[Trimmer]

My wife seems to be on edge about how he is acting. A part of me says to go beat his ass but I think it would be for her! She knows I will do it if needed but don't want to come off as " Knight in shining armor ".

Damn straight, you don't. You think she manipulated you into having sex and all the feelings that went with it to try to benefit herself? Don't you see that here as well? This guy is her problem, a problem that she made; don't take her problems and carry them for her, or you will be enabling her behavior, and reinforcing a submissive position for yourself.

 

Did say too her to call the cops and report him and if they do nothing, then tell me and I will do something... I am thinking I should face him regardless because he has been too my house again but wasn't home.

While I acknowledge that the fantasy of this seems alluring (I once had an impulse to swerve and hit my exW's OM head on once, when I saw him driving by), please reassure us that in your thoughtful moments, you truly understand what a very, very bad idea this would be.... The probability of any positive outcome is pretty low, and the likelihood of some kind of negative blowback, all the way up to you getting arrested, is pretty high. Even if "all goes well" so to speak, and you don't get arrested or injured in return, I bet you would end up - at a minimum - with a hollow victory. And then what will you have - who will you be - when you look in the mirror?

 

This gets back to my point above: yes, he's a douchebag, but let him be her problem. If you take him on as your problem, then all you are doing is voluntarily adding problems to your life. No need to do that.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Trimmer

[whichwayisup]

No name just a card saying " thinking of you this Season " ???

 

Obviously flowers were meant for your wife from the OM. (MM).

 

Your wife is doing okay in the sense of showing you/telling you stuff without you asking but ... She's FAR from making things right here. Tons of work still to do. Stay separated, stay detached. She needs to EARN your trust and faith back and that's goin to take a while. Tell her to STOP putting moves on you, that sex is NOT happening considering that she screwed MM in your martial bed. She might as well (and him) taken a shi.t and peed all over the bedroom.. yuck!

 

Anyway, it is what it is. Take it all day by day and do yourself a favour.. Don't go punching the MM, he isn't worth it. BUT, if she shows up at your house again, CALL 911. Don't lay a finger on him..He's bad news and looking to cause trouble..

[2long]

They boinked in your bed?

 

Get rid of it. With a lot of drama if need be. Burn it on the front lawn if the fire dept will give you a permit.

 

Seriously, next time she comes by 2 pick up her stuff (though it should all be in the garage by now), she should leave wondering what happened 2 that old bed...

 

-ol' 2long

[2sunny]

Your W arguing with her OM shows she is still highly emotionally connected to him.

 

Enough said...