Unhappy in relationship but dont understand why, possible EA

[stevieg]

I am a married man of 11 years and I am getting increasingly unhappy and I need to get advice. My unhappiness is not constant, it comes and goes. I can, on occasion, feel tearful when alone with my thoughts. I am ridden with guilt as I should be happy with my domestic life. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone. Or the one person I could do and do sometimes, may be making things worse.

 

I believe my unhappiness is relationship related. The last 2 years have been difficult on our marriage, the usual stress of money, children, domestic boredom has understandably affected my wife to a point where she has become ill. I have reacted poorly sometimes and arguments and emotional detachment have been allowed to find their way into our lives. Recently, this situation has been improving and I am trying to improve my end of the relationship as well… but yet I feel even more lost

 

The problem may recently be exacerbated by someone else. Our marital issues were happening before this situation arose so I believe that this is a symptom, not a cause. I have a long term female friend at work and recently we have begun to work together very closely. We make a fantastic team and we have reached a point in our friendship where we seem to instinctively know what the other is thinking. We spend some time socially together and a bond is forming that is getting hard to get out of my head. I have become to eagerly anticipate time with her and feel let down when she is doing something else which doesn’t involve me which is ridiculous, it isn’t even my place to be jealous. I am also starting to obsess about her contacting me which is distracting. We talk about personal matters and I know she has confided in me things that she hasn’t with anyone else but whilst we certainly have a special relationship, I am convinced she does not feel the same way as I do and is treating me just as a very good friend – she herself is in a happy and stable long term relationship. I would describe my feelings to her as stronger than fondness, there is a need for her in my life right now. Love, maybe.

 

The issue is not that my feelings are unrequited even though it hurts, but more the fact I have them in the first place. How can this have happened? I never intended to look anywhere else for love. I have a wife who needs me (and I believe loves me, if not in love with me), children who love me and yet when someone is kind and affectionate towards me I fall for them. The feeling of guilt towards my wife and my family (and my friend, she would be devastated if she knew) is overwhelming, as is the feeling of self loathing – I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I feel like a fraud and I don’t know what to do.

 

I want to get back to a situation where I am happy with my family life and can maintain my friendship and working relationship with my friend. If anyone has any similar experience or can offer some advice, I would appreciate it.

Edited November 25, 2011 by stevieg

[Afishwithabike]

Read this thread first (Is my coworker flirting, and why). You can read my posts there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293137/

 

I got the following from a different website on infidelity. It's very interesting reading. You see that what may seem so unusual for you follows a very typical pattern.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Anatomy of Adultery

15 Steps of Unfaithfulness

 

How does adultery "happen?" People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.

 

The following "15 steps" which analyze how adultery "happens" are based on scores of interviews, counseling, and correspondence with church folk who fell into unfaithfulness. Our question: "How did this happen... what were the tiny steps which led to this mess?" While the order varied from case to case, the following is the general progression which surfaced in most incidents. This is not some sort of theoretical list. These are the actual steps taken by scores of church people who wound up committing adultery and regretting it later. Some of these people sobbed deeply as they shared, hoping that their own pain and failure might save other marriages. This information comes to you at great expense.

 

This chapter doesn't have any preaching or analysis... that is left to you. Here we offer you cold word-for-word quotes. You and your Sunday School class can draw out the lessons. How did these lives get ruined? How does it start?

 

 

1. Sharing Common Interests.

"We just had so much in common, it was uncanny."

 

"She and I both enjoyed music, and we were attracted to each other."

 

"He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with."

 

"We both loved horses, and started riding together."

 

"We both shared a burden for the church and especially children's work."

 

"She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!"

 

 

2. Mentally comparing with my mate.

"My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible."

 

"She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time."

 

"She was so understanding and would listen to me and my hurts -- my wife was always so busy and rushed that we didn't have the time to talk.

 

"My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentile, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me."

 

 

3. Meeting emotional needs.

"He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for."

 

"She was there when I needed her."

 

"My ego was so starved for affirmation that I would have taken it from anyone -- I guess that's what started the whole thing."

 

"No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become."

 

"My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good."

 

 

4. Looking forward to being together.

"I used to dread going to work, but after we started our friendship, I would wake up thinking of how I would see him later that day... it seemed to make getting up easier."

 

"I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work."

 

"I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

 

"I looked forward to choir practice every week because I knew he would be there."

 

"Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday."

 

 

5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.

"When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us."

 

"I would act like I was going to practice with our ensemble, but actually I was practicing a duet with him."

 

"Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down."

 

"Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband."

 

 

6. Flirting and teasing.

"I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape."

 

"Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us."

 

"We would laugh and talk about how it seemed like we were "made for each other" so much. Then we'd tease each other about what kind of husband or wife the other one would have been if we'd married each other."

 

"He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me."

 

 

7. Talking about personal matters.

"We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about."

 

"We'd meet together for coffee before church and just talk together."

 

"I was having problems with my son and she seemed to understand the whole situation so much better than anyone else I talked with. I'd tell her about the most recent blow-up and she would understand so well. We just became really deep friends -- almost soul-mates. That's what's so weird about all this -- we never intended for it to go this far."

 

"I had lost my Dad just before we got to know each other and he had lost his mother a few years earlier. He seemed to understand exactly what I was going through and we would talk for hours about how each of us felt."

 

"I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married."

 

"We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."

 

 

8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.

"He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this."

 

"She was always hanging around our house and was my wife's best friend. Often she would stay late to watch TV, even after my wife went to bed. She would sit beside me on the couch and I was drawn to her like the song says... like a moth to the flame."

 

"He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that."

 

"The first time she touched me was when we were doing registration together. We were sitting beside each other. I'd say something cute or funny and she would giggle, then under the table she'd squeeze the top of my leg with her hand. That was really exciting to me."

 

"Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too."

 

 

9. Special notes or gifts.

"He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet."

 

"I would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible."

 

"He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss."

 

"She started leaving unsigned notes to me in my desk sharing her feelings for me. It scared me at first, because I thought someone would find one. But after a while I found myself looking forward to the next one, even though I knew the risk."

 

 

10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.

"I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone."

 

"I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

 

"The more entangled we got, the more I planned times where he and I could practice together. We started meeting more often."

 

"She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up."

 

 

11. Arranging secret meetings.

"By now we both were so far gone that we started meeting secretly at the mall parking lot. It know now how foolish this was, but I was driven by something other than good sense at that time."

 

"We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot."

 

"I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy seemed to make it more exciting."

 

"She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other."

 

 

12. Deceit and cover ups.

"Once we were meeting secretly I had to invent all kinds of stories about where I'd been to satisfy my wife. By now I had built a towering wall of dishonesty between us."

 

"Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it."

 

"I joined several groups so that I would have an excuse to be away in the evenings."

 

"She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?"

 

"We agreed that if anyone saw us driving around we would both tell the same story: that my car wouldn't start, he stopped to help, an we were going together to get a new fuse to replace the broken one he'd discovered."

 

"By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings."

 

 

13. Kissing and embracing.

"The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years -- like in the movies when someone comes home from the war."

 

"Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time."

 

"It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me."

 

 

14. Petting and high indiscretion.

"At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

 

"It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin."

 

"When my husband and I were dating we struggled with 'how far to go.' Well, here I was again struggling over the same issue. Friendship with this guy didn't seem so wrong. But now were we're going further than I ever intended. But, I felt curiously justified going exactly as far as I had with my husband when had been dating. In a way, I think some of my resentment against my husband's constant pressure on me started coming out. I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. Just that I kind of felt justified."

 

"At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally."

 

 

15. Sexual intercourse.

"Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery."

 

"One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other."

 

"Though we never intended it to go that far, we eventually went all the way and had sex."

 

"One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man."

[stevieg]

Thank-you for your well considered reply. Certainly the feelings of isolation and thinking nobody would understand have reduced reading the quotes below. Some of them describe exactly how I feel.

 

The other post is interesting to me because it demonstrates the pitfalls of denial. I am not in denial, I know what this is and the background is different. My co worker has not flirted with me or acted inappropriatly in any way. Our friendship also predates my marriage and has been entirely appropriate for over 10 years, the recent escalation is the issue and it is a problem with my marriage that is causing it.

 

I think I need to work on getting a level of intimacy back into my marriage rather than walking away from the friendship. Do you think that I should come clean about everything with my wife (noting she is not in a great place right now) or should I just let my actions do the talking and try and increase emotional attachment in our marriage?

 

Thanks again for the help.

[frozensprouts]

my husband had an emotional ( and then physical ) affair with a lady he works with, and it almost ended our marriage.

 

It started out innocently enough, with an email on facebook from her saying she had a problem and wanted to meet with hm to talk about it- he showed me the email and i thought it was inappropriate...he didn't, and it started from there. Soon he was spending huge amounts of time chatting with her online, having coffee breaks with her, etc., and it just took off.

 

i have read emails, etc. sent between the two of them ( he gave them to me) and it is interesting to note the gradual progression from him being happy in our marriage to unhappy to me being horrible. This seems to happen a lot in this type of situation, maybe it's because the married person feels guilty for their feelings and they ( without realizing it) begin to see more and more problems with their spouse an marriage. They build up a fantasy around the "other man/woman" about how much better things could be with them, and begin comparing he two.

 

This may sound crazy, but you say you have known this other lady for a long time and, up until now, things were purely platonic on both your parts, and you are sure they still are n her side. Have you told her how you feel and that it may be inappropriate for the two of you to be spending so much time together?

[stevieg]

Hi

 

Thanks for sharing your experience... I am particularly grateful for a female perspective.

 

I am 100% certain that my friend is not soliciting these feelings from me. She is a completely genuine person and has no intent on me. Telling her how I feel I think would be a really bad move. I am pretty sure that the way to sort this is to regain the emotional attachment that I crave currently from her with my wife again, then I would expect my feelings toward my friend to subside?

[Afishwithabike]

I wouldn't tell the other woman your feelings. It's your problem, not hers. What you do need to do is not spend any more time with her than necessary to do your job. I would tell your spouse what you're feeling. She needs to know what you're thinking. It affects her too. It should motivate her to clean up things on her side of the street so to speak as you clean up things on your side of the street.

 

Just how much time do you spend time do you and your wife spend together each day/ in a week uninterrupted by kids or other people?

 

Some marriage counselors say you need to spend 15 hours a week with your spouse if the marriage is otherwise good. If the marriage is rocky, they recommend 20 hours. Now that seems like a lot, doesn't it? I know I thought so. However, fifteen hours isn't a lot really. You can easily spend an hour each day, possibly in the evening, just the two of you. And if you add a few hours on Saturday and Sunday, you come to that total easily. If you have young kids, you could send them to bed earlier. If you have older kids then maybe you can get a babysitter for them. The point is to spend time together without the interruption of other family members. When one is detached from one's spouse, the idea of spending one whole hour focusing on each other is unappealing. That alone should tell you why you need to spend more time together.

 

You don't have to go on some big date with your wife. The point is to just spend time talking and being with each other. So turn off the TV, put away the chores for later. Focus on each others. What can you do? Walking, going for a drive, making dinner together, sex, doing some recreational activity together...

 

Think about what you did when you dated her. When we first fall in love with someone we go to great lengths to find ways to spend time with that other person. You found ways to snatch time together here and there in your day. Thirty minute lunch here, a long phone call, canceling other things so that you could see her...you get my point. We stop trying to spend time with our spouses when we get married. We're in the same room with them but emotionally a world apart. Then we end up like two roommates and pretty soon someone, a neighbor, a good friend, someone from a recreational activity, a co-worker, starts looking more appealing.

Edited November 25, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[stevieg]

Thanks, again. I am glad you agree that telling my friend is not advisable... no good can come from that. I feel much better already, just writing this stuff down seems to have organised my thoughts. I know what I need to do, I hope I can make it happen.

[Floridaman]

Read this thread first (Is my coworker flirting, and why). You can read my posts there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293137/

 

I got the following from a different website on infidelity. It's very interesting reading. You see that what may seem so unusual for you follows a very typical pattern.

 

That's powerful stuff, fish. Thanks for posting that.

Gets people to thinkin'.

[Breezy Trousers]

Read this thread first (Is my coworker flirting, and why). You can read my posts there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293137/

 

I agree with FloridaMan -- all your posts on this thread are great, Fish.

 

I agree with Frozen on the natural progression of affairs:

 

i have read emails, etc. sent between the two of them ( he gave them to me) and it is interesting to note the gradual progression from him being happy in our marriage to unhappy to me being horrible. This seems to happen a lot in this type of situation, maybe it's because the married person feels guilty for their feelings and they ( without realizing it) begin to see more and more problems with their spouse an marriage. They build up a fantasy around the "other man/woman" about how much better things could be with them, and begin comparing he two.

 

I call that process "love fog." Most people on the OW/OM board say they didn't realize how blinded they were by love fog until they are 6 months out of it.

 

Steve, most marriages have to deal with this at one point or another. I never experienced an inappropriate attraction until I had been married 16 or 17 years.

 

Many EA's or PA's are triggered by a life loss (death of someone close, loss of employment, illness, mid-life crisis, or feeling inadequate with your current life to the degree you feel the need to create a "new" identity with someone different). Boredom/complacency is another factor.

 

You write:

 

I want to get back to a situation where I am happy with my family life and can maintain my friendship and working relationship with my friend.

 

Well, you probably can't have both.

 

By thinking about this woman and seeing her, you are creating neural patterning which is very hard to rewire. This "love fog" gets worse with time if "antidotes" aren't applied. Here are the two which worked for me:

 

1. NO CONTACT

IMO, you need to cut off exposure to this woman at work. I realize she is a long time friend, you work closely together and she may not even reciprocate your romantic feelings. Doesn't matter. The problem is that your mind is already in a tailspin. That fact that you are on this forum tells me that. IME, NO CONTACT is non-negotiable in these situations.

 

2. CREATE AVERSION RE AFFAIRS (AND SOURCE OF ATTRACTION)

If you're still struggling with the feelings, consider expressing them here & over at the OM/OW board. While you're there, see firsthand how disastrous affairs are. Most people over there are not glorifying affairs but desperately trying to recover from them. Affairs all tend to look alike in the end, even though everyone thinks * their * affair is unique and special in the beginning.

 

If you keep your distance from the woman, focus on your wife, and try to examine why this is so compelling, the attraction will probably die. It may take a long time for your feelings to catch up with your actions, though. Don't be surprised if it does.

 

Have you and your wife taken time out for each other? Sometimes all marriages really need are sabbaticals, not affairs.

 

You asked:

Do you think that I should come clean about everything with my wife (noting she is not in a great place right now) or should I just let my actions do the talking and try and increase emotional attachment in our marriage?

 

I did come clean early on. I thought my feelings would end once it was out in the open. It didn't work that way .... In view of the fact that nothing happened anyway, I'm not sure how smart that was. I could have just as easily increased efforts with our marriage and not dragged DH into it. As it was, DH was easygoing and insightful ... I'm not sure I would have been a good sport if I was in his shoes ... BTW, most women view EAs as deadlier to a marriage than PA's.

[carhill]

The last 2 years have been difficult on our marriage, the usual stress of money, children, domestic boredom has understandably affected my wife to a point where she has become ill.

 

Ill? How? Is she getting treatment? How's that going?

 

I have reacted poorly sometimes and arguments and emotional detachment have been allowed to find their way into our lives. Recently, this situation has been improving and I am trying to improve my end of the relationship as well… but yet I feel even more lost

 

What about the situation has been improving? Be specific.

 

 

IMO, and I've been there, your relationship with your long-time friend became inappropriate when your feelings for her changed, which colored every aspect of your subsequent interactions. If she's a good friend, a close friend, this is not lost upon her; she feels the change. The change is one elephant in the room that apparently no one will talk about. OK. Add that to the plan. What's next? Your work now is to formulate a step-by-step plan of recovery.

 

Have you or your wife ever had any sort of therapy? Is that a possibility for you/her?

 

I won't speak for you but I know from personal experience that the cost of divorce was far higher than any hit I would have taken in the employment market if part of the plan were to be transfer/resignation etc. If you want to remain with your wife and build a new M, you have a tough decision to make on that front. I doubt you can disclose and remain employed with your friend and your wife feel positive about that choice.

 

Lastly, you have a long relationship with this friend. There's a lot of non-romantic love under that bridge. With that dynamic, much more so than with an infatuation-type EA, flipping the switch on your feelings of attraction and romantic love will be difficult, which is why I'd suggest professional help.

 

So, as Owl would say, make a plan and then work it. Good luck.

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks, again. I am glad you agree that telling my friend is not advisable... no good can come from that. I feel much better already, just writing this stuff down seems to have organised my thoughts. I know what I need to do, I hope I can make it happen.

 

I may have shared this story about my ex wife some time back on a posting, I honestly don't recall right now. But it's something to consider for your own situation.

 

My ex came to me one day and said she had kind of a weird crush on a guy she worked closely with. It was a guy I knew but not very well.

 

I didn't think much of it. I wasn't the jealous type and my ex could be a bit flighty anyway so I dismissed it.

 

Anyway, she began seeing a counselor about several things: depression, always seeing the glass half empty, and other things she was dealing with. I was supportive and thought if that's what she needed, go for it. I even offered to join her if her counselor felt it was necessary.

 

Anyway, my ex shared the "crush" issue she had for this coworker with the counselor. It was confusing to my ex because she said she loved me and it didn't make sense to her. The counselor gave her absolutely stupid advise to tell this guy she worked with what she was experiencing.

 

When my ex told me about the advise, my response was the same as yours. Why? Nothing good can come from telling him that. What possible objective could it serve?

 

Despite my objections she did share this with him a few days later. This guy was happily married with three kids by the way.

 

My ex told me later that night that she shared this with him and according to her, "he looked at me like I was crazy." Their work relationship was never the same afterward and I'm sure he felt very awkward every time he was around her.

 

But that scenario could have played out badly the other way as well if this guy had buried feelings about my ex that he could finally act on. Or the possibility that he didn't act on them at all, but being a guy, he saw this as a free shot at getting laid as many guys would no doubt jump at given the opportunity.

 

The point is this. I told her nothing good could come from it and nothing did. She damaged that relationship. Moreover I came to realize later in our marriage that she was attaching feelings to other men even though she wasn't always acting on them. Over time, she did begin acting on them with men you'd never picture her with and that pretty much led to the divorce after 15 years together.

 

My point is, don't bring this up to the other woman. Work on your situation at home. Attaching romantic feelings to any woman who comes along and becomes close to you is a concern. Figure out what's going on and get some outside help so that you can manage and work through this.

[Nikki82]

I also say not to tell neither your friend nor your wife. You also need to spend less "quality time" with your friend and more with your wife.

 

How is your wife ill?

 

I agree with the other post about making time for each other. No excuses about the kids or housework. The kids can go to bed early or get a sitter and go out. The housework can wait because, well, housework never ends anyway lol.

 

Is it chilly where you live and do you have a fireplace? Make a good meal or order in and eat in front of the fire and just chat. Get to know one another again. Ask her things and get her talking. Smile. Laugh. Tell her something sweet that you haven't said in a while. Tell her what your favorite feature about her is (her eyes? legs? hair?).

 

Go for walk or drive and look at Christmas lights since they're starting to be put up. Maybe bring a thermos of hot chocolate, egg nog, or whatever.

 

Flirt! If you don't flirt at all these days, of course, start small. Give her a hug and pick her up while hugging. Or tickle her to make her laugh. Anything silly. Most girls really enjoy a guy who makes them laugh. =)

 

Be positive. Be thankful for what you do have (healthy kids? roof over your head? no killers in your neighborhood?)

 

The excitement of a new relationship is always tempting. The fire never stays as fiery as it was in the beginning, but that doesn't mean the fire has to die.

[Nikki82]

Oh!! Also!! MAKE GOALS TOGETHER.

If her illness is curable, talk about it and how you'll work together to get past it.

Decide to work out together. It will benefit you both a lot both mentally, emotionally, and physically. It can be a light work out...but do something.

 

Talk about your money issues and come up with a plan on how to better it. Write down your plan!

[DonJuanInc]

Thanks, again. I am glad you agree that telling my friend is not advisable... no good can come from that. I feel much better already, just writing this stuff down seems to have organised my thoughts. I know what I need to do, I hope I can make it happen.

 

Sounds like you're on the right track. Lots of other members have provided great advice as well as excellent links to helpful material.

 

If you're interested, here's an explanation of how we gradually view people differently:

 

There's a great concept called the Reticular Activation System, which is basically a part of the subconscious mind responsible for regulating and monitoring social value. When you're in a relationship with someone who you perceive to have high value, you validate this view by recalling all the positive memories and traits of that person that support your view of them having high value.

 

When you perceive value in another person (and on some level believe it would be easier to obtain the type of value you're after in another person rather than in your current relationship) your brain starts to highlight all the negative memories and traits related to the lack of perceived value in order to achieve the goal of obtaining the value you're after.

 

This principle is at work in all sorts of relationships, and is more commonly acknowledged in business relationships. When a business partner no longer pulls their weight or has outlived their usefulness, it's easy to justify all sorts of reasons for ending the relationship that weren't there when things were going well.

 

That you say you fall for people who show you kindness would suggest you feel a lack of kindness/intimacy in your relationship with your wife. Your feelings of guilt and self-loathing are likely caused by the friction between your subconscious seeking out the path of least resistance to satisfying your sense of lack (by forming emotional bonds with other women) and your conscious awareness of your commitment to your wife and family.

 

Think of your affection as water in a bucket. You only have so much to give out, and any amount you give out to someone other than your wife weakens your relationship. Whenever I feel a lack of intimacy in my relationship, I think about how my affection is being spread out, and if I find it inappropriate, I adjust my relationships accordingly. Less time talking with other women, hanging out with other women etc. as necessary.

 

Either way, you need to make a decision. Indecisiveness is the worst possible move when considering feelings for others.

 

Ask yourself this: Am I willing to sacrifice my relationship with my wife, and to damage my relationship with my family in order to express my feelings for my female friend?

 

If not, then stop thinking about it. Stop wasting your energy on it. Accept that it's a fantasy or a mechanism to escape an unpleasant reality and focus on fixing what you need to fix.

 

Cheers.

Edited November 29, 2011 by DonJuanInc

[stevieg]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by the breadth and quality of replies. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the various points of view and have the following to add.

 

I should have more faith in my friends. At the beginning of this post, I said there was no-one I could talk to; at the weekend I came clean to one of my closest friends, who is also very good friends with my 'distraction' so he has quite a unique perspective and came up with some wisdom and insight that I did not think was possible.

 

First, he was suprised when I told him - he has not witnessed any outwardly inappropriate behaviour between us which tells me it isnt too late to put this right without hurting a lot of innocent people.

 

Second, he told me that far from withdrawing or avoiding my relationship with the other woman (which I have always seen as a non-option; symptom, not cause remember...), I should cherish it for what it is - a close, platonic friendship. He reminded me what a special person she is and how she enriches pretty much everyones life she enters (yes, really) and that if she has chosen me to be such a special friend to her, then that makes me a pretty cool person as well (that felt good!). You don't just walk away from that stuff.

 

The final piece of advice was to remind me, even more than my friend above, how special my wife is and what a hard time we have both had over the last few years and I should be more reasonable in my expectations of marriage going forward - that original magic will always be hard to recapture and hanging onto it too much will probably create more disappointment.

 

So, a my plan is as follows:

 

For my wife - spend more 'own time'. Pay for the babysitters without worrying about it. Talk more. Hug more. If we were meant to be, then it will work.

 

For my friend - no change. I am not buying the avoidance theory; if I left my job and never saw her again and didnt focus on my own marriage first then there is no guarantee it wont happen again with someone else.

 

I know it wont be easy, but it's a plan...

 

Thanks all.