Is he in a comfort zone or slowly losing interest?

[Hivona]

I hope someone can help me feel a little more at ease.

 

I'm long winded so I'm going to do some major editing! I am 29 & I was married young at 17, (no kids involved) till 27. I am an insecure person by nature from an unstable childhood. My ex & I were attached at the hip. So my main relationship experience was with a guy that did nearly everything with me & was super affectionate, (when he wasn't being somewhat abusive..). Also I have noticed around the 3 month mark I get insecure & also the guys for whatever reason decide to move on.....

 

I am not the type of girl to send a million texts, or phone calls, I dont check in, I dont give them the 3rd degree or play 20 questions, and I dont ask over and over "do you miss me". I am good with giving guys space.

 

My current beau is 42, never been married & no kids. We have been seeing each other for 4 months now. It is long distance, which I have never done before. He has a car & it is about 2-2.5 hours when he drives to me. I do not have a car so it is about 4 hours mass transit for me to go to him. He is a police officer but he works in training academy so his schedule is more stable than your average patrol officer. I am still going to college part time & I have a full time job. We work opposite schedules & do not have same days off. Also my 2 days off from work I spend all day at my school. So it is not easy for us to get together.

 

For the first 2 months he pursued me so much! It felt great, his actions (not just words) showed so much interest in me. within the 1st month he said he was ready & wants a serious relationship & wanted to try with me. yay!

 

Then after about 2 months he got busy with work & he also goes to periodic competitive gun matches. So we only had 2 weekends together in september. But he still called frequently. However, I told him with a little notice I could get time off from work, a few days here & there. But I would need to plan it! He said he's not the planning type. I asked, well what if i just took days off & you were available? He said cool, that would be good. He seems to prefer last minute spontaneity.

 

Anyway, September we didn't get together often but he still called & texted at least every day to every other day. Then October comes & he doesn't call or text quite as much. My insecure self is wondering, is this a lack of interest?? I miss him a lot because the newness of the relationship hasnt worn off for me. Then half way thru october he finds out his mother has pancreatic cancer!

 

Now let me say that when we are together in person he is great! I feel good with him, he is affectionate, he takes care of me. I can definitely tell that on some level he likes me! I'm happy when we are together. But I can tell he is getting more comfortable. Little things like he takes phone calls when I am around (not when we are busy or anything like that) he will burp a few times, simple things.

 

lately I have been feeling REALLY REALLY frustrated because I miss him & I want more! I'm not sure if I will get to see him at all for november. I am starting to feel like he takes me for granted. Or maybe I am no longer a high priority for him? it kind of seems like since he has bagged me he has gotten complacent. Last weekend he was supposed to spend sunday night with me. But he worked 22 hours of overtime & he ended up sleeping sunday away. So he didnt come down. He spent monday & tuesday with his parents who live out of town. Of course I can understand that. Then he came back to work for 2-3 days & then down to north carolina for a shooting competition. Now I know he needs his man time & maybe the competition is a mental break from his work, his mother's health, maybe even pressures of a (barely there) girlfriend. But where do I fit in????

 

Since October I have been "mirroring" him. And he still calls every few days, still texts (not like he used to but its there, he hasn't disappeared), but he has been filling his weekends with everything that isn't me...

 

Is this a case of him not being quite as interested in me as he initially thought he was? or is this just a phase because he truly has been busy? He said he wont have any more shooting till next may & his job should quiet down a bit. But I wonder, will he actually make time for me??? hmm

 

Or is it my insecurities getting in the way???? I know long distance isnt ideal, & it isnt forever but is this how it is? I want more time with him, how can we grow as a couple? I also think our communication needs are different. I think he is ok only getting in touch with me every few days where I want to hear his voice every day! So over the course of 4 months have we found ourselves at different places with our needs & desires? I thought people make time for things that are important to them.

 

Hes such a cool guy, he turns me on in many ways. I like him so much & I think, even though its early, I see potential for a future... but I am starting to wonder if he is serious about me or am I being my insecure self? I am trying to just go with the flow but I want more & I dont know if he doesnt, or just isnt able to give more.... I am getting upset & starting to resent him but I know he can't read my mind! I have to tell him something about how I feel but I am so bottled up now I am afraid I will come off like I am blaming him. And I am afraid he will decide in light of his mother's health that he just can't fit me in..

 

The other thing is that it never seems to be a good time to talk. I dont know when I will see him face to face. and I want to call him when he can focus on me. I am busy at work most mornings, when he is off, then he is busy at work at night when I am off. Or he is traveling to see his parents or something else comes up...

 

Does my "boyfriend" take us seriously? Is he so comfortable in the relationship already that he doesn't feel the need for effort? How do I proceed?

 

Also I should say I am extra frustrated today because it is Thanksgiving & he called me briefly last night, had to cut the call short (he was at work) & said he would call me tomorrow morning (on thanksgiving). Now I have learned that sometimes his "ill call you" is just filler & sometimes he actually means it and follows through. So I dont usually wait for my phone to ring. BUT since it was a holiday I thought he would actually call me! And so I kind of kept an ear out for my phone. But nothing.... I eventually turned my phone off around 630pm because I was sick of looking at it! (he did tell me back in August that just because he doesnt always call its not a reflection on how he feels about me)... but at of 10:57pm eastern time, no call, no text.

 

What does all this mean?

[ladyravenloft]

I would honestly sit him down and ask him directly. He could honestly be distracted by the things you mentioned but.......it does sound a bit like he's not taking an active interest as he should.

[Leegh]

Do you know anything about his past relationships? Has he had any long-term relationships or lived with a woman before? It is a little unusual that a man 42 years old has never been married; possibly he has commitment problems. I would say that either he has commitment problems, or that he is just getting comfortable with you in the relationship, (or maybe a combination of both).

[Hivona]

Thank you guys for actually taking the time to read that post! I am long winded & tend to put in TONS of info!

 

I dont know much about his past relationships other than he did say that he was close to marrying a woman once. But I dont know when that was, how old he was, what ended it. I dont know if he has ever lived with a woman. He did state something like she drank too much & there were a few other things that he just didn't think he could live forever with.

 

He has said a few things that make me think his last serious relationship was about 2.5 years ago. Again, I dont know if this was the girl he almost married, I dont know how long that relationship was.

 

I'm not the type to ask much about past relationships, because of my insecurity. I just am not that interested!

 

the thought that maybe this is how he is in relationships, and that maybe this is why he hasn't been married yet has definitely popped into my mind! hmmm

 

I suppose I need to talk to him about it. but I dont know when I will see him again, and I am loosing my nerve! I almost want to email him lol

 

He was definitely showing all of the actions of being interested in me for July & August. And then after that for Sept even though we couldnt get together but twice for the month, he called often & told me he missed me often. Now, he still calls or texts every 1-3 days but the romance is gone. I did ask him one time about 2 weeks ago on the phone if he missed me. He said he does, & I said you dont say it anymore & I miss hearing it. He said I'm sorry, I just have other things on my mind.

 

Just wednesday night he texted me & said he could stay over with me Friday night & then he would head down to his parents for the holiday weekend. He was working late & I have to get up very early for work so I said if he can get out of work earlier ok & then when I told him how early I had to get up for work he said, before I could, its ok Ill just go straight to my parents after work. I said ok, taht is probably best, I need to sleep! maybe another time when I can see your face in day light! Then he had to cut his call short because of work stuff. He said he would call me tomorrow (Thanksgiving).

 

Now I know that the phone works 2 ways, & i have no problem calling him, & he has always gotten back to me. However I also learned that half the time when he says that he will call me it is just filler, or a line to end the conversation. BUT since it was a holiday I thought he might actually follow through & call. But he didnt! not even a text. It was one of the few times I was really waiting for his call, listening for my phone & even a few ex boyfriends sent me happy thanksgiving texts but nothing from him.. Today, day after the holiday, nothing. Part of me wants to ignore him, part of me wants to just be friendly & send a have a nice weekend with you fam text and leave it at that. I dont know!

 

Also I found this little paragraph from another relationship website written by a guy, seems to have very good advice from a man's perspective

 

"So he’s being all sweet and really getting you to like him… and then he shifts. Well at this point, the guy realizes that you really like him, he has you, and he doesn’t have to try anymore. At this point, things are probably starting to get comfortable- you make plans regularly, you’re in contact more frequently, and a relationship seems just around the corner."

 

This paragraph is HOW I FEEL!! (except that we are long distance and the regular plans are not in sight!)

[Leegh]

I've had similar dating experiences, where the guy comes on really, really strong initially, (such as calling four or five times a night), then after a couple of months, their phone calls really taper off. There had been times when I would pick up the receiver of my phone (land line phone) to make sure it was still working. It was. These types of situations are especially heart breaking, because this type of guy is intensely interested in the beginning, (where the woman is usually unsure in the beginning). Possibly if you give him the impression that you are unsure of your feelings for him; in other words, play hard to get, and let him feel uncomforable as to your whereabouts and wonder about what you are doing when he calls (leave your answering machine on).

[Hivona]

I have been told by one of my coworkers many times (about a few different guys) that I make myself too available. And maybe for once she is on the right track. I am not a very social person. I have a few friends but they are hard to get together with because they have children or live in different states! But I am wondering if maybe I have sort of lost a little sight of MY life. Possibly I need to try to be a little more social with my friends, put in more effort in my school work, I definitely need to exercise more, you know, live my life & if he comes around he does, and if he doesn't then I know where I stand.

 

I kind of thought that the long distance would be a built in buffer against this sort of thing!

 

He does keep calling & texting pretty consistently, but the urgency of actually seeing me and spending time with me is definitely not there like it was.

 

And he did call me today. I sent him a text last night, just a friendly playful one but he didn't get it till later in the night. So when he called me today, he sounded a little down. He is with his parents, aunt & uncle for the weekend, his mother had her second dose of chemo. When I asked if he was ok he said he was just tired, and I left it at that.

 

So I am going to make a concerted effort to busy myself with me-time. Maybe this will pull him towards me some. I read an interesting article about how often we attract people we are not interested in, but the people we are interested in are more difficult to snare. something about the more relaxed, nonchalant attitude towards the undesired guys attracts them, but when we want someone we get more needy, tense.. something like that. Possibly a kernel of truth there too!

[ScienceGal]

A couple of things in your post really struck a chord with me, one of them bring the "mirroring" comment. I've done it and I've used that exact term to describe such behavior. One word of advice: DON'T. Do not change your wants and desires, ever. I know it's the "safe" choice because it avoids confrontation and consequences, but that's only temporary comfort. That behavior will burn you in the end and leave you feeling foolish for having done it.

 

The other thing was the 3 month mark. That's where I am at, and I just posted about it. The anxiety and stress at this point has happened before to me, and I am sure to plenty of other men and women. For me, it's the point where I see that I am really opening myself up emotionally. I'm passing the point of being able to "get out" with no hurt feelings. And let's face it, that's scary! From this point on, there has to be a lot of trust, security and respect.

 

It doesn't sound like your needs are being met. The long distance is a problem. When do you foresee this changing? Will you move, will he? What type of future do you really think you can have with this man?

 

My advice is to make a list of the type of life you want and how a relationship plays into that. Identify what you must have, and what you absolutely cannot have (deal-breakers). Then look at your current situation and compare. Is this in your best interest long-term?

 

Good luck!

[Eddie Edirol]

Hivona, he is a guy thats like me. Now, assuming that he isnt losing interest, it sounds like he is taking you for granted. As long as he knows youre there waiting for him, he doesnt need to hear from you every day. He's content with seeing you once in a while. A 2.5 drive is a little much when theres other activities involved.

 

But Ill also pose this, the women that I didnt need to talk to every day, its because they werent that interesting to talk to on the phone. They vented, they had nothing to say, it became a chore. They didnt peak my interest in conversation on the phone enough to make me want to hear from them every night. The phone conversations were usually boring. I preferred their company more in person than over the phone. That could be the reason the flirty texts have tapered off.

 

So right now, it sounds like he doesnt feel the same way you do, and I blame the distance. I suggest if youre going to be this needy, you shouldnt date long distance, and date a guy who is more like you. Or try to change your way of thinking, so that you dont need to hear from someone so often. That way, if you want to see a guy more often during the week, and you get this behavior, then you know to bail out much sooner.

[creighton0123]

He could be losing interest. That is a possibility, however it is unfair of him to make you bend to his desired spontaneity completely without his meeting you half way when it comes to planning ahead.

 

"I hate to plan ahead" is a crock of **** excuse, especially from an adult. It is essentially saying "I am gross and lazy".

 

Tell him that you don't want to impede on his personal time, but that you would like him to meet you half way and plan ahead a little more. Otherwise, you're in the situation where he is not respecting your free time, expecting you to plan a visit or go to see him at a moment's notice.

 

If he doesn't respond to that, it is pretty disrespectful to you.

[Hivona]

So I just encountered another new thing with my guy. As for the comfort zone/interest thing, we talked about it some and he apologized a lot, said he knows he should put in more effort, said he is 90% consumed with his sick mother right now.. but that is not why I am writing this time!

 

sunday I had a really crummy day at work. I started at 8am & it ended at 1130 pm. I never got to eat, only had 1 bottle of water. I was feeling so sick. Nauseous, starving & borderline migraine headache. I tend to get those when I get dehydrated or don't get to eat through out the day. Also once I was done with work I would have a 3 hour commute home! I was almost thinking of sleeping in the office!

 

At 9pm I call my boyfriend back from his missed call. I asked how his mother was doing & she isn't doing well with her cancer & treatments. She will be moving to a cancer center soon. Whenever I ask about her his voice changes. He gets melancholy, quiet, it kind of seems difficult for him to talk about, so I dont pressure or question him much about her. Then I started to tell him about my awful day & how terrible I feel. I asked if he was home from visiting his parents. He said he was. I asked if he could please please come pick me up because I dont have it in me to commute home for 3 hours. He kind of got quiet then stammered a bit & said "i dont know if I can. Im so tired from driving around all weekend with my parents." I said something like, youd really have me travel 3 hours home on trains & a ferry when you can come get me?! he said something like he didnt' plan on this and he was surprised, something like that. He is about 40-50 minutes north of my job.

 

I finish up with my work & I call him back like he asked. I ask again, please come get me.

 

He does come get me. but I get in the car & I said thank you for coming & it feels like i was such a burden to him. I said" youre really mad at me arent you?" he said something" i'm just tired and rousted out of bed." He didn't kiss me, didn't hug me, didnt touch me at all. And we are long distance relationship, hadn't seen each other since right before halloween!!! I fall asleep in his car on the way to his place.

 

we get in bed & he is starting to act more like his normal affectionate self. He pulls me close to him, kisses me, tells me how its been so long, gives me a super bear hug. he apologizes & says something like: i'm sorry for acting annoyed. My head was hurting so bad I couldn't think of anything to say so all I said was" i understand" the next morning was like normal. he was good to me & everything seemed good! and he half jokes and says I owe him big time...

 

But what I am wondering is...... does his reluctance to come get me mean anything?? I can understand how it was inconvenient. I think if the roles were reversed I would have sighed & been a lil grumpy or annoyed but I dont think I would have acted in a way that would have made him feel like he was really putting me out. I have never asked him to do anything like that for me before. I can't believe I had to almost beg! and I felt to bad that night that I didnt have the energy to tell him how he made me feel like I was a burden.

 

Should I tell him now that I am feelign better? hsould I let it go since we ended on a good note, and what is done is done? Was his reaction normal?

[Leegh]

I wouldn't worry about this one time, dealing with aging parents can be exhausting and energy draining, as my dad had a stroke several years ago; but he did make a full recovery. It's probably harder on him since his mom has cancer, as his mom's outcome may not be good. Since he has never married, he may be more attached to his parents, then someone who had been previously married, and had kids. I would see what he does in regards to your relationship in the future. Even with his mom being ill and the long distance factor, I would say that he should initiate getting together with you at least once or twice a month.