if this happens

[Thehusband2]

My wife and I have had troubles for the last couple years, BUT recently over the last 3 months things have improved. We hang out together, lots of sex.

 

A few months ago i told her i didnt want going out to bars with a friend that was and is cheating on her H. She understood and doesnt gonto bars or clubs or drinks out with this friend (or atleast hasnt yet). They will be working at a restorant sat nights cooking And hosting each saturday night fro

5-10. I am worried that her friend, who always asks her to go out will ask. It will be saturday night and i am sure sooner or later my wife will send a text and say so and so wants to have a drink cani join her? Of course this night might end up in a bar or whatever and i already explained that i dont feel it is respectful or a place for my wife and ezpecially with this girl.

 

I dont really trust her friend or people she works for.

 

Basically i would join her anytime cause i know she wants to go out, but we have kids and a last minute plan is hard to do. I feel her friend is aware of that which is why she sometimea makes plans out of the blue to be able to just hang with my wife.

 

What should i do if this situation occurs? Wife already knows how i feels about her friend, hanging in bars/clubs and drinking without me. Wife feels that because she is not doing or going to do anything wrong that it should be ok...

 

Of

[jnj express]

Is this cooking or catering thing with her friend---the only work---she can get

 

If she wants to cater, or cook for events---why can't she do it, w/out this toxic friend

 

You are right to worry---as your wife is putting herself in harms way---You get lots of heavy drinking at these type of things, you get lots of rich guys, and you get lots of bad-boys---and they will hit on your wife---so this is a definite concern

 

What is your monetary situation-----the other option, if she wants to cook with this friend---is to cook ahead of time, drop the food off and come home----she is a mother and a wife, and she does belong with her children and her husband on the weekends

 

You need to have communication, and if it has to be forced communication---SO BE IT

[Thehusband2]

Hi JNJ

 

This work is the only thing that has come up so far. She is passionate about cooking but obviously cant afford opening a restaurant. Thiis is a good opportu ity because they cook and host on fridays and saturdays and then the restaurant is theirs on sundays to run any type of menu entertainment etc... It is actually her friend that brought her onboard this time. Pretty cool! I am not worried about the work itself... It is just the oh its sat night lets go and have few drinks. The problem is where the night after those few drinks will end up!! For example... The friwnd went out wednesday night clubbing till 2-3am she invited my wife but she said no thanks!!

 

So this is what i mean, her friend will definitly NOT be going home right away aftr work tonight! She will definetly say hey lets go out!!

 

For sure sooner or later i will get a call/text saying can i go out for a bit with x?

 

My questions:

 

She knows i dont like her hanging out with this friend, how do i say no without making it sound controlling?

 

What if she calls and says we r gonna go for a coffee? And then adter the coffee "last minute" they decide to go to a bar (this girl knows alot of people and can get into places for free all the time." so "during their coffee" she could say so and so is working there... Lets go see them.... So what do i say a out a coffee... If i say, no, come home! .. That is totally controlling which isnt good...

Edited November 25, 2011 by Thehusband2

[jnj express]

You need to sit your wife down, and have a serious discussion about, what is bothering you

 

Do not be afraid, to have the conversation, do not be afraid to say what you think needs to be said

 

You 2 are a married couple, and you are spose to talk to each other

 

If she won't communicate, then force it with some consequences

 

Lay out your fears to her, and see where she is on this----so far she is acting like a wife---so right now talk is what is needed

 

Lay out some boundaries, and see if she will agree to them---such as abso;ute zero tolerance to her going out drinking with this friend after work---things like that----also mske sure , sne knows there will be consequences if she violates the boundaries

[ate_the_paint]

This is a tough situation and I can empathize.

 

Because you are a married couple, you have to have boundaries and make each other more important than anyone else.

 

With that being said, you are right in that you don't want to come off controlling. She has to be allowed to make her own decisions.

 

When she makes those decisions, however, she needs to know the full impact of what she chooses. So, you can't tell her "Don't go out to the bar after work" as that will be controlling and will definitely cause a rift in the relationship.

 

Instead, compliment her on her new catering project, tell her that she is a great cook and you are proud of her. Then tell her that going out clubbing with her friend after work makes you uncomfortable and anxious.

 

If she retorts with "Why? It's just harmless fun" or something along those lines (and there's a good chance she will), then just reiterate that regardless, it makes you uncomfortable. You're not telling her what she can do, you're only telling her how you feel about it.

 

Then, when her friend asks her to go out to the meat market, your wife can make a decision between a night of boozing and dancing with a bunch of horny guys, or making her husband happy and keeping her marriage healthy.

 

If she declines the invite and comes home to you, then you know she values you and her marriage above all else. If she accepts the invite, then you have a reason to be upset (and worried).