Amazing marriage but she says she can go forever without sex? this is a problem.

[pcherokee]

Ok, So I've been married for a little over a year now, and we've been together for 5 years total (2.5 years were long distance). Our relationship is perfect except for the one typical thing. sex. We barely have sex. If lucky once a month, and up to this point I've always been able to deal with it. The reason for this is that it has always been painful for her with the exception of maybe 3 times in our entire relationship. She is small, and I am too big so it's always very painful for her no matter how much foreplay there is, it doesn't make a difference. She says all the time she just doesn't have much of a sex drive, which I understand. We have used all types of gels and tricks but nothing seems to work for us. I satisfy her by always going down on her but she never returns the favor (for the past 5 years I think) My point is she is satisfied but I'm not. If I mention this to her she would feel very very guilty. She just said the other day for the first time she could go forever without sex because she has a vibrator. haha. (I always did appreciated her honesty), but that one stung.

 

So the problem is I've only recently started getting the urge to sleep with other women only to experience a good sex life again. There is one women at work that wants me to come over to her place for a "massage" and I can't believe I've almost considered it. I don't ever want to be that guy. I can't even live with the guilt. I just want a normal sex life where both of us enjoy it, but at this point I don't think it's ever going to work for us and I need a good F for a change!

 

How do I bring this up to her gently, any suggestions?

[StoneCold]

Ok, So I've been married for a little over a year now, and we've been together for 5 years total (2.5 years were long distance). Our relationship is perfect except for the one typical thing. sex. We barely have sex. If lucky once a month, and up to this point I've always been able to deal with it. The reason for this is that it has always been painful for her with the exception of maybe 3 times in our entire relationship. She is small, and I am too big so it's always very painful for her no matter how much foreplay there is, it doesn't make a difference. She says all the time she just doesn't have much of a sex drive, which I understand. We have used all types of gels and tricks but nothing seems to work for us. I satisfy her by always going down on her but she never returns the favor (for the past 5 years I think) My point is she is satisfied but I'm not. If I mention this to her she would feel very very guilty. She just said the other day for the first time she could go forever without sex because she has a vibrator. haha. (I always did appreciated her honesty), but that one stung.

 

So the problem is I've only recently started getting the urge to sleep with other women only to experience a good sex life again. There is one women at work that wants me to come over to her place for a "massage" and I can't believe I've almost considered it. I don't ever want to be that guy. I can't even live with the guilt. I just want a normal sex life where both of us enjoy it, but at this point I don't think it's ever going to work for us and I need a good F for a change!

 

How do I bring this up to her gently, any suggestions?

 

Ok lets come to some obvious truths here.... your marriage may be great in all other aspects but the fact that you're here posting about being "sexless" means that something important is missing...further, you are flirting with the diea of F'ing another woman.....your marriage aint perfect...its in trouble

 

1) She may be small and you may be a mandingo but the amazing thing about the human body is the ability to adapt and "change". I've not heard of a health pussy that cant take a dick...big or not. It may be uncomfortable at first but over time she will become accustomed to it and sex will be pleasurable...but this takes effort and a genuine want....sex once a month wont cut it....she'll never adjust at that frequency

 

2) She said she can go without sex right? Take it from me... I heard that line before....its as a "precurser" to whats to come...kinda like a "heads up". It only gets worse if left un treated...the sex will disappear

 

3) The fact that you even remotely considered sleeping with another woman means half the battle is lost already...to make matters....more interesting you got a woman inviting you over to her joint for massages...... you are high risk bro (if there was insurance for infidelity....you'd be uninsurable)......"sexless marriage", wife prefers her vibrator to you, you're unsatisfied, you thought about sleeping around, and theres a woman tssing out the "welcome mat" for you. Bomb is wired...... all you need to do (or not do) is push the detonator. its touch and go for you....this other woman catch you on an "off" day and it may be go time...

 

Theres no gentle way to put it..... tell her you arent happy (sexually) and if things dont change there may be dire consequences; that is suffient enough warning.... At that point shes been warned..... she either changes and things get better for you....or she ignores you and when the **** hits the fan (however that may be) shes in no position to cry you a river

Edited November 25, 2011 by StoneCold

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but your wife would rather use a vibrator then have sex with you. Time to look at the real issues.

 

1. LDR - Do you really know this woman?

2. You're too big - Well maybe there is a place for you in the porn industry? Don't we ll dream of being too big????? See a damn Dr. together and discuss the issue.

3. She'd rather use a vibrator - Well you obviously need to read some books on sex and step up your game.

 

But if you think you have a great marriage, all the power to you and remind yourself that sex isn't that important and no worries, your wife has a vibrator.

[The Blue Knight]

It's already been said by others but there are some major issues at play here.

 

First off, a woman who prefers a vibrator to her husband has some problems. You can't get the emotional connection from a vibrator that you do from human flesh.

 

Unless you are an awful lover, there shouldn't be any reason she can't set the vibrator aside and spend that time with you instead.

 

Secondly, "I don't really need sex" is code for "don't really count on too much sex in this relationship." That's just a nice way of her saying it to you.

 

Later as the marriage gains mileage she may not even try to let you down gently. She's may just tell you "not interested, get lost." Read some of the stories on this site if you don't believe that.

 

This marriage is far too young to have problems like this. I'd tell her that your needs are not being fulfilled. If she's willing to seriously work at it great. If not, consider the marriage on ice and begin a new game plan.

[musemaj11]

You got married and now you are paying for your foolishness.

[findingnemo]

You have a biiiiggggg problem and it's not your privates. Your W is either lying to you now or has lied to you from the beginning. It is not normal for people to get married without alerting others to their asexual status if they are in love.

 

I also think she married you for a non-romantic reason. A LDR that turned into M? Yeah. You get to discover all the hidden facts a bit too late. So what to do?

 

Tell her that it's perfectly ok for her to sleep with her vibrator as long as it's perfectly ok for you to sleep with whatever you want. If having sex with her is not a big deal for you, have an open M in which she may only be unfaithful with a vibe. I can almost guarantee you that she'll fail. She'll either start sleeping with you or with someone else. She is no where near asexual. All she's doing is setting things up so that she can enjoy the perks of M and not have to keep pretending she loves you.

 

By the way, she is not small. She's been engineered to have a baby. Do you know how big babies can be?

[pcherokee]

Apparently, you're not getting anywhere close to where her vibrator gets her. You can have 2 or 3 hours of foreplay all you want, but if it's mediocre at best, it STILL isn't going to prepare her for intercourse - whether you're 'big' as you claim or not.

 

To make things clear. She is the one that says I'm big, I seriously do not believe this, I would say I'm normal. But she is tight as hell and it's actually quite painful for her every time. There were a few times it was not painful which was when we were doing it multiple times in a few days.

 

But as foreplay goes, aparantly I suck ass, well at least for her.

 

She may also be de-sensitized from her vibrator to the point where nothing you do is going to get her excited becauase it's no longer enough stimulation.

 

Tell her to knock it off with the vibrator. Seriously, she needs to put the thing on ice for awhile.

 

Yes, I agree. She wants sex for HER orgasm or when she feels guilty that we haven't done it in a while. I've known her for 6 years and she's only BJ me 3 times??? yes I know. awful. She's a selfish lover.

[pcherokee]

If the long distance part was at the beginning of the relationship that means you really only knew her for 1.5 years and then got married. Long distance (as in internet relationship, perhaps?) really doesn't "count." It's a little bit different if you'd already established a real relationship but then one of you had to move away for a while for school/work.

 

Do you actually genuinely believe that while she was in a 2.5 long distance "relationship" with you, she wasn't talking to/consorting with/dating/txting/having sex with/ other guys? To say nothing of the past 2.5 years....

 

No. She was not cheating during the long distance. I'm positive. Besides, she likes her vibrator enough. This is what I think part of the problem is.

 

You must be some kind of desperate chump with little experience with women who latched onto this one because you believed you had no alternatives.

 

I've passed up the alternatives because they were ONLY sexual attraction. I never considered them to be long term relationships.

 

 

 

Correction, she barely has sex with you. What makes you think she's been faithful at any time during your relationship?

 

We had very good communication during the long distance, and I could tell if she started looking around. She isn't the type of person that would sleep around, especially in a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

She's a liar. She just doesn't want to have sex with you. Most likely because she married you for security/money/status or other non-romantic, non-sexual objectives. Women like sex, with the right man. You're not the right man. This also means she doesn't love you.

 

Question, assuming you've ever had sex with other women--have they ever complained because you were so big, to the point where they didn't want to have sex with you at all?

 

You've got a point here. I've never had complaints about being too big with previous women because the others were never wound up so tight.

 

 

 

 

O.K. she's definitely lying to you, and I can prove it just based on what you've said she's told you, because she gave you two different answers. They don't really contradict each other, but when a person feels they need to give two or more different explanations what they are doing is throwing stuff at you in hopes that you will latch on to one of the answers and be "satisfied" by it. That's a liar's tactic.

 

I never noticed this until now. Apparently I'm a bad liar. But this does not prove that she is cheating on me. She just doesn't like the sex, she prefers the vibrator.

 

 

She's sexually selfish as proven by letting you satisfy her and not returning it, ever. Refusing to give you pleasure has nothing to do with her being too small or having a low sex drive, it just means she's selfish, which is completely consistent with her cheating on you.

 

She hasn't refused, but she doesn't like doing it. She figures that the act of having sex is enough pleasure for me. I say it is but I want to keep going. She says no it hurts enough already.

 

Again. I don't see how her not wanting to have sex with me as much as I want is proof that she is cheating on me. In her mind, she has sex with me to keep me happy.

 

 

She might pretend to feel bad about it as a manipulation tactic, but she wouldn't actually feel any guilt, since she hasn't up till now.

 

I seriously do not think this is it. She feels guilty about EVERYTHING, what makes me think she doesn't about not having sex? She's talked with her friends about it, even my brothers wife who is a doctor, and told ME about talking to them about it.

 

 

 

 

Yes she basically deliberately emasculated you, you are the butt of the joke. Her joke. The joke's on you. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

 

I appreciate this. That's exactly how it was for me. This was the red flag.

 

 

 

I would just tell her "look I am sick of this no sex bullsh*t

.

 

Yes I agree. Thanks for the reply. I don't agree with everything but there are some real good things in here.

 

 

 

When she complains "oh but Johnny your schwantz is So-o-o-o BIGGGGGG...." smack her in the ass, make her turn around, tie her to the bedposts, and then tell her: "Too big? I'll show you too big. It's going in your @ss this time, you'll never complain about too big again!"

 

This one for example.

[pcherokee]

but your wife would rather use a vibrator then have sex with you. Time to look at the real issues.

 

1. LDR - Do you really know this woman?

2. You're too big - Well maybe there is a place for you in the porn industry? Don't we ll dream of being too big????? See a damn Dr. together and discuss the issue.

3. She'd rather use a vibrator - Well you obviously need to read some books on sex and step up your game.

.

 

3. Any recommendations?

[pcherokee]

Tell her that it's perfectly ok for her to sleep with her vibrator as long as it's perfectly ok for you to sleep with whatever you want.

 

A few years ago I never thought it was a problem for her to sleep with her vibrator whenever she wants and for me to rub one out every so often. I realize now this was a mistake now that she relies too much on her vibrator. She only has sex with me for her to get off. I was always suspicious of this but now I know it's true. I say **** that ****.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

3. Any recommendations?

 

and dvds too. Get one's from a woman's point of view. Tell her to watch it with you and ask her which parts turn her on.

 

You do oral, and obviously use fingers, that should moisten and loosen her up.

 

Now get rid of her vibrator and tell her we're going to work on this together and see a Dr. (not family) if this is really a true problem.

 

This is like women who claim their BF/Spouse have porn addictions. It is only an addiction when they turn you down or can't perform. That is exactly what's happening to you.

 

Glad you took my post as a sarcastic kick in the head, which it was meant to be.

[Art_Critic]

Painful sex isn't something to scoff at...

Has your wife gone to her Gyno with this issue ?

Many woman can have endometriosis and that can make sex very painful.

I have dated women with this condition...

[pcherokee]

You do oral, and obviously use fingers, that should moisten and loosen her up

 

I've done plenty of oral but it doesn't loosen her up. I know I can't keep that up with these horrible returns.

[pcherokee]

Painful sex isn't something to scoff at...

Has your wife gone to her Gyno with this issue ?

Many woman can have endometriosis and that can make sex very painful.

I have dated women with this condition...

 

Interesting. I don't want this thread to become too gross.....but she does have bowel and constipation issues, and the outside of the uterus stings after penetration.

[make me believe]

I think your wife married you for companionship, social reasons, and financial reasons. She has no interest in having sex with you, and apparently hasn't throughout your entire relationship, but for some reason you married her anyway. You do have to take some of the blame here because you KNEW what you were signing up for when you married her.

 

She is getting what she wants from this marriage, and she's getting it with no expectations from you, which is why she has no interest in meeting your sexual needs. You need to be straight with her and tell her that she is destroying your marriage, and that you have been tempted to go to your coworker's house for a "massage" because you're so neglected at home. Maybe if she realizes that there are actual threats out there she will wake up a bit. Tell her that you did not sign up for a life of celibacy when you married her, and that if she isn't willing to have a sexual relationship with you then you will have that relationship with somebody else. Since sex is so "unimportant," I'm sure she won't have a problem with this, right?

 

I don't know why everybody is fixating on the vibrator, like that is the problem here. A woman who LOVES her husband and WANTS to have a normal sex life with him would never utter the words "I go without sex for the rest of my life because I have my vibrator." Your wife says this because she doesn't want to have sex with you, but the vibrator is NOT the cause of that. You need to be firm with her and tell her that this is unacceptable and you're not going to put up with a sexless marriage anymore. And screw being "gentle" and worrying about making her feel guilty. She SHOULD feel guilty! And she obviously isn't worried about being "gentle" with you when she informs you that she wants nothing to do with you sexually.

[findingnemo]

A few years ago I never thought it was a problem for her to sleep with her vibrator whenever she wants and for me to rub one out every so often. I realize now this was a mistake now that she relies too much on her vibrator. She only has sex with me for her to get off. I was always suspicious of this but now I know it's true. I say **** that ****.

 

Yes, I can tell you that vibrators do desensitize many women. Find it and whatever else she has hidden and take them out of the house to a dumpster. That's one of the first things to do.

[The Blue Knight]

To make things clear. She is the one that says I'm big, I seriously do not believe this, I would say I'm normal. But she is tight as hell and it's actually quite painful for her every time. There were a few times it was not painful which was when we were doing it multiple times in a few days.

 

But as foreplay goes, aparantly I suck ass, well at least for her.

 

Yes, I agree. She wants sex for HER orgasm or when she feels guilty that we haven't done it in a while. I've known her for 6 years and she's only BJ me 3 times??? yes I know. awful. She's a selfish lover.

 

I don't think this is a foreplay issue cherokee. This is a selfishness issue as you just pointed out. You just produced the solution. More sex = less discomfort. Tell her that getting back to the "multiple times a day" worked in the past and that's the way to fix this. Unfortunately, something more is going on here and I don't think she's into you physically or sexually or both.

[pcherokee]

Thank you everyone. All of this was the kick in the head that I needed. I will update this when I get her said feelings about the matter.