sunflower11 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Ok I have decided to start this because sometimes I have so many thoughts that I want to let out. Right now m heart is beating so fast..I just woke up and I was dreaming about you. Dreaming about finding you and having you in my arms again My therapist told me yesterday I am afraid of letting go and...that maybe part of it has to do with how my parents' marriage is going down the drain and how I am trying SO HARD for my relationship to work even though..there isn't a relationship anymore, there hasn't been one in 2 months. There is a voice inside of me that tells me" He loved you once, he was nice, caring and made you feel special. He has a good heart, don't give up. The person you love is somewhere inside of him and maybe you just have to wait a little more, maybe the next call you make he will pick up" And this kills me. If I saw one of my friends going through this I would slap her for putting herself trough this constant rejection. I would tell her " Why do you want to be with someone who clearly doesn't want you. Can't you SEE he doesn't want you? He hasn't called or textd or anything in two months despite how much you have begged and cried. He hung up on you 2 days ago! It doesn't get clearer than that..." And yet..I see the dots..and I don't understand them. Like my brain is not connection because my heart is screaming with so much pain and wanting him back. Some days I am just full of regret..maybe if I hadn't called so much, maybe if I hadn't gotten angry, maybe I should have been more understand, maybe 1 text a day should have been enough..why did I get angry and that wasn't enough?! Right now..I just feel the pain in my chest because I woke up and the reality hit me. You don't want me back. And sometimes it is hard to remind myself that. Sometimes it is hard to go against what you heart wants... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 I stayed in bed thinking a little more into what was said yesterday with my therapist and maybe how its connected to my ex. I have two sisters who always seem to be jumping around from guy to guy and when they have someone they fall for the guy deeply. Kind of like me...except my mom says I am more serious with my relationships because they actually last longer than a couple of months. But this was interesting cause my mom told me my aunts always mention to her..why are all your 3 daughters always falling in love? and why do they love too much? What is loving too much? My oldest sister actually has a book called Women Who Love Too Much...funny. I look around and see my parents' marriage in pieces, aunts and uncles from both sides divorced and the only two that are still married are unhappy. Maybe this is why I am so afraid of marriage because someone my brain has already said..love doesn't last, love doesn't last....and maybe this is why I always have a hard time when a relationship ends, because I am trying so hard to make it work instead of just accepting that sometimes things don't work out? Which is conflicting and contradicting how I believe thing's are not meant to last, and still I am trying to make them last.. I want to be able to just let go and be at peace and yet, its something that I am struggling a lot with. I haven't gotten to that acceptance stage. Sometimes it's like I am a mix of a couple stages...denial...anger...depression? Sighh Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Share Posted November 26, 2011 Feeling good right now..even.happy. I did things for myself today..went out for a walk, dentist, spent time with my sister. It's funny how I have been talking to friends and people who I haven't talked to in AGES and everyone seems to be so..nice Only my closest friends know about my ex and though, I'm sure they get tired and frustrated with me, they keep being there everytime. It's wonderful to have so many people in your life who love you and love the person you are...and who appreciate everything you do. Everyone agrees that hes an ******* and I don't deserve to be treated this way..everyone but me I guess..sometimes. I feel blessed I have wonderful friends and for everyone here at LS who has given me advice. But I hate that this is a rollercoaster and at any given moment I will break again and cry...oh well...I have to feel the pain and grieve..and accept and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 I have high and low moments everyday. The lows don't seem to last as long and although I still cry, it almost makes me feel better to let it out. I believe I am accepting things now and maybe that is why it hurts a lot, letting go and not trying to fight it anymore. Been painting a lot...my therapist suggest I paint my feelings, I'm an art major after all..just haven't felt inspired since the break up, but it felt pretty good... I also enrolled in yoga and zumba classes, and I have two job interviews lined up for next week. Life moves on and I don't want to get left behind stuck on hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 I am so tired of you being in my head all the time. Please just leave? I hate waking up and thinking about you... I want you out of my heart, my head, my soul, my whole freaking system. Just flush yourself OUT! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Had an interesting day today. Went to see my Dr and my serotonin (is that the name in english??) levels are low so my whole system is out of rhythm. He said the break up doesn't help and it's all the changes that have been going on in my life lately that are affecting my neurotransmitter levels thus making me feel crazier than what I think! It's almost a relief to feel like I am understood a little bit. Of course I have to grieve the relationship and it's normal to feel this sad, but he said the anxiety, the lower back pain, the crying at random moments, headaches and everything is because my hormones aren't doing what they are supposed to. So I got anti-depressants for 2 months to see if my body can get back on a good rhythm!! Also signed up for latin dancing classes this week! It's good to have plans and something to look forward to...) Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Following along, Sunflower. Wishing you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Thank you Cerridwen I seemed to be doing better today but the bad moments just come out of nowhere. I remember things I haven't thought about in ages and that seemed insignificant before. I guess just now I thought about how I'm never going to see you again...and it made my heart ache and I just miss you, not the one you are now, I miss the one you were with me before all this happened. God I miss you... Link to post Share on other sites
Norse Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I feel pain too SF, maybe not your exact pain. I wish you well, I'm glad to see you're making good strides at recovery. Following you . Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Your daily hug... (((sunflower))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 1, 2011 Author Share Posted December 1, 2011 K, I got a massage today and after it was over I cried so much. What is wrong with me??! You were on my mind the whole time. And not just you, I thought about the guy I dated before you. Maybe it is because I feel so lonely, so wanting to be loved and touched and liked and cared for. Maybe because he was more of a man than you were and he genuinely loved me. And maybe I just spend too much time thinking about the good times with you/him and forgetting about the painful memories and the reasons why I'm not with him or with you anymore. My family thinks I am sick cause I am sniffly all the time but really, I just get way too emotional these days with the cold weather. Makes me think of how you would hug me and hold me in your arms at night and your silly red winter hat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 Well today is my 2 weeks of NC Previously, I broke NC 3 times before even making it to day 14! And I am happy to say there is no urge to contact you at all. Nothing I want to say to you (sure I am angry and would love to yell at you and make you understand what a piece of **** you are but that would only be wasting my energy). I feel as if the desire to get over you is stronger everyday so I feel stronger too. However my day is filled with ups and downs. This morning I woke up at 5 am and just thought about you but it didn't really make me sad..it was like thinking of an old movie I haven't seen in a while and replaying the best scenes in my head. It was strange. I know New Years will be hard because I will be leaving you behind in the old year, the only year we ever shared together as our relationship was only 7 months long. But I am excited for the year to come..I think... Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I'm Popehappycat, and I approve this journal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 A friend just shared this with me lol I had to post it http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvdtqcnK9E1qasfhmo1_400.png Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 9, 2011 Author Share Posted December 9, 2011 It's strange how I have been feeling lately. More calm, less worry. Can't say I am happy and everything is going amazing but I def feel better than I have in the past 2 months. It also scares me to realize this because I panic feeling that I am starting to let go...2.5 months ago I felt like my world had ended and there was nothing to look forward to and nothing I wanted more than you. There was no happiness and no joy in anything. I was a wreck. I remember the darkest days...waking up in the morning and feeling the pain, wanting to scream, to call you...to know if you still cared. I would go through the day and feel like a zombie. Every step, every move hurt because it took all the strength I had just to get through one day. I would breakdown and cry at work in the bathroom 3-4 times a day and put a fake smile on my face. I would torment myself at night wondering what I had done wrong, what I could have done better, how could you leave me like that? It was like hell inside my head..I could not escape you. I tried to convince myself that you did love me, that this was temporary and you would come back to me. I felt like nobody understood my pain. The smallest things would trigger memories of you...a silver car, red roses, the beach, Christmas, teddy bears....pizza. The last thing you ever said to me was "I love you" and I had hope that those words would bring you back. Now I find that I am excited about maybe going back to school or start my own little business. I find myself looking ahead more than I am looking back. Again, I know I can be having a good week and maybe next week won't be as merry...but I am glad I get a few good days where I see things with clarity. I am enjoying the good days and I will deal with the bad ones when they come. I have a long way to go..I don't know when I will be able to say I am over you..but I think I can say now that I am getting over you. Slowly...baby steps. Link to post Share on other sites
SelfCentered Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I find myself looking ahead more than I am looking back. Again, I know I can be having a good week and maybe next week won't be as merry...but I am glad I get a few good days where I see things with clarity. I am enjoying the good days and I will deal with the bad ones when they come. I have a long way to go..I don't know when I will be able to say I am over you..but I think I can say now that I am getting over you. Slowly...baby steps. Sorry to butt in, but I just had to say that's a beautifully optimistic- and yet realistic- sentiment that I think all of us coping should tell ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 I don't mind you butting in SelfCentered I hate it when the temporary calm is shattered. I woke up today feeling so angry and maybe it is because lately I have been feeling better and it amazes me how heartless you can be, how you haven't even bothered to look back at the broken pieces you left behind. I'm not exactly hoping for a thunderbolt of clarity where you will realize I was someone amazing and that now I am gone...but I mean, do you really not care at all? I know everyone says I shouldn't care and shouldn't wait for him to come around, and I am not waiting, but am I wrong to say that most dumpees would like for the dumper to realize they have made a mistake in letting you go? Yeap, I'm so angry right now because you don't care. And me being angry is the stupidest thing because I shouldn't care either! So I'm angry with myself for being angry with you because you don't care and I care that you don't care. F*ck you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 Hit a very low point this weekend as I couldn't stop crying yesterday. It all came back to me and it hurt so much Just when you think you are feeling better...it hits you again and again. Blahh at least I am able to acknowledge the pain and know it won't last. I woke up today and forced myself to go out for a jog and enjoy the sunny morning. Still feeling down but I guess it is part of it. It's unrealistic to believe that because I feel "better", I will keep on feeling better and not have down days..and to be honest, it felt good to cry and let it all out again even if I had promised myself I would't shed another tear for someone like him. Knowing that Christmas is in 2 weeks doesn't exactly help either.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Sorry for posting too much...there's just too many emotions this weekend.. Literally I dropped on my bathroom floor and just cried and cried. I wanted to scream and I wanted to be heard. I wanted someone to care about me and to give me a hug. But I am all alone...it's just me. You are gone and you don't care. How could you ever say you loved me?...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Ok so last night in bed, in the middle of yet another crying outburst I stopped to think why it was hurting so much and I truly believe it is because I realized I am letting go and I am moving on. And then it felt good to cry, like I actually WANTED to cry and let it all out and I haven't cried like that in almost 2 months! There is still pain but the pain is different. It is not helplessness and feeling lost. It is not the pain I felt thinking I couldn't live without him and couldn't see a future without him in my life. It is not the pain of feeling like your heart is breaking. The pain I feel is more of my heart protesting that I am moving on. It's the heart letting go of someone you really loved and were so used to. Losing someone hurts. But like I said, the pain is different and that helped me realize that I am moving forward and not taking two steps back. It just hurts because it's over and maybe after 2.5 months my heart is starting to believe that it is really over. And that's why it hurts so much. Again, these are all positive steps in my mind because I am not fighting it anymore and I am not in denial and hoping you will call or text (of course I still do sometimes but I believe it is better for you to stay away). Just feeling the waves of sadness Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Well...I have a sort of a date with someone I met at my last job. I don't have any friends here since I just moved and I'm not very social...but I've been talking to him on facebook and I even told one of my friends today how much I miss having FUN. Going out for some drinks, dancing, whatever! And then this guy asked if I wanted to go out for coffee or dinner and we started talking about how much we both like sushi sooo...yea. I don't want to think of it as a date, more like hanging out with someone and having a good time. Just moving on with my life and getting out there! I am..kind of excited and at the same time it feels strange. It's like taking that other step after a break up..putting yourself out there and going on dates. So weird but I figured what the heck..it's just sushi not a marriage proposal so I'm trying not to overthink and just enjoy going out with someone instead of being home and getting all sad again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 3 weeks NC! a new personal record!! hehe some of you might remember I broke NC 3 times before even reaching the 2 week mark cause I was obsessed with calling/texting/emailing him. I can't really say that I am happy I am at 3 weeks NC but it does make me feel stronger and it makes me believe in myself and know I CAN DO THIS! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 15, 2011 Author Share Posted December 15, 2011 Yesterday was like a hard day but also an important one and a big step towards me feeling better. One of his friends said he would talk to my ex and find out why he ignored me and if he ever even loved me or why did he feel like he needed to break up with me!! I was like "omg yes it would be nice to find out, do you know how many nights i've cried myself to sleep wondering why???" Then later that day I stopped and had to be honest with myself. It doesn't change anything. Whether he felt sad, angry, happy, guilty, hurt, about breaking up with me doesn't change anything because it's still over. Whether he wanted to break my heart or not doesn't change the fact that it is broken. I am not ready to hear what the reasons for the break up are beause it might be a big set back for me and i've been doing so much better! So I told my friend to NOT contact him because it wouldn't matter and I didn't want to hear why he broke up with me and treated me like that. After I told him that I felt like "wow, i really DON'T want to hear what he has to say!" and this was such a HUUUUGE relief...after so many nights wondering and calling him looking for answers and closure, I had an opportuity to find out and i just realized it didnt matter and I can give myself my OWN closure. This feeling was...amazing. Also I had a difficult session with my therapist because yes, he was a jerk and how could he do that to me? but also, i did it to myself. I stuck around with him because of my own issues of not wanting to be lonely and thinking little of myself. I had very low self esteem and he made me feel special. It is true I did love him but I shouldn't have to be wth someone to feel loved and cared for. There was emptiness and a hole before he came along! This was eye-opening as well to realize that the emptiness I feel is not only because HE left...he was just filling it in while he was with me and now that he's gone I am blaming him for everything when I am also to blame here. I had my own share of mistakes. I feel good today! I had this pretty good dream, nothing to do with him AT ALL and I am so glad I have stopped dreaming about him. I feel like I am making so much progress and I feel so much more at peace. I know that before getting into a new relationship in the future I want to be whole again, not just half. And it's almost....exciting to see the road I have ahead to work on myself because it will be workng on ME. And when I am whole and I find someone else, I am excited for how the relationship is going to be with me feeling better about msyelf and not feeling like I NEED someone to be happy. These are all things I am starting to look forward to! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 16, 2011 Author Share Posted December 16, 2011 Well I went out with someone last night for dinner and actually had a really good time. It was nice to hang out with somebody and just talk without thinking "omg im not ready to date!" cause..who said anything about dating anyway ? lol it was just dinner and I took it as me trying new things and taking that next step towards healing which is getting out there again I did think about my ex a couple of times especially when this new guy was telling me how much he liked football and well..that was my ex's fav sport but I didn't think much of it and brushed it off because I didn't want to let the thought of my ex ruin the evening. All in all, it was nice, I had fun and enjoying myself which is the most important thing. Like I said, I'm nowhere near ready to start a relationship with someone else so I doubt I will go out with ths guy again but he was nice, a gentleman so it's good to see there ARE other people out there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted December 18, 2011 Author Share Posted December 18, 2011 I found one of your shirts among my clothes just now...I think my hands started shaking as I was holding it and realizing it was yours. I brought it close to my face and I tried to smell it but your scent is gone. And then I threw it in the trash...right were you belong. I'm sure this is the last of your things because I packed all the presents, cards, letters and stuffed animals away 2 months ago..but somehow I forgot about the shirt. Arghh... Link to post Share on other sites
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