Author sunflower11 Posted December 28, 2011 Author Share Posted December 28, 2011 I haven't posted on my journal in almost...two weeks hehe but I find myself here again just to let some thoughts off my chest. First off, Christmas was difficult but I think everyone was making it out to be this big deal and of course I was sad and I shed a few tears and thought about him and wondered if he was thinking of me too. I even wished he would text me Merry Christmas and wondered if he was just too busy with someone else to do that. Well...by the end of the night I was having a good time, enjoying myself and my family. I knew I would be sad but I made the best of it and I can honestly say I had a wonderful Christmas. By the end of the night, I was glad he didn't text because...it doesn't mean he misses me or loves me..it's just a text saying Merry Christmas and nothing else and I believe my night would have been ruined if he had texted me..cause I would be freaking out overanalyzing it and missing him even MORE (We had plans of spending Christmas at his parents house in NY and I wanted to see snow for the first time) The day after Christmas I woke up feeling like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. All the anticipation and anxiety leading up to the actual day only to realize it's just another day of the year! And I spent it with those who truly care about me Today I seem to have snapped cause I see so many threads on here talking about how to get your ex back, how to get revenge from them, how to get over them, if you should contact them or not, what they are thinking and who they are doing....(and of course I point the finger at myself too...heck I have started many threads on this forum asking all of these questions) that just made me think... People are so preoccupied with the ex's life that they are missing entirely their own life! I know it's hard as hell and it has taken me months to get out of the hole but sometimes you just have to let go and things unfold! There comes a point when there is nothing you can do anymore and you gotta leave things to God or destiny or something. There is only so much you can do and if the other person still chooses to walk away..then you should hold the ****ing door open for them. We are so busy thinking about them, dreaming about them and breathing about them that we are letting days, weeks and months go by before we stop looking back and wondering hoping wishing praying that your ex will com back running to you that we forget to look at whats infront of us. I know, easier said than done..I've been there. Maybe it's because I do not believe in second chances and because I feel positive and excited about my life and my future. Sure I get sad still and it hurts when I think of him, but it doesn't stop me anymore. My life and my days don't revolve around him and the pain anymore. I'm not putting my life at a standstill anymore. I have plans to move abroad next year and study and work and experience life! Travel, meet people, be surrounded by a new culture.. That's what life is all about. I care about my ex, I do. I don't feel as if I still hate him but I'm not here wishing him happiness either. I don't wish him happiness or a good life. I don't owe him anything. I think I am reaching that point of indifference now. So by God people, yes it hurts, yes it sucks and you miss them, but life goes on! Why spend your days hoping to get revenge and get back with them or get back at them? Just let it go! If your heart is filled with anger you are giving away space in your heart to them and space in your mind. Life is soooo short. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 Well, it's been a rollercoaster since my last post. New Years passed and I had a great time with my family, I thought about him but I didn't really get sad. I think right after New Years passed I was so pumped and excited to get the year started that it feels like all the excitement left me at once and suddenly I was terrified to have a whole year alone (without him) ahead of me, and not just a year, my whole life. I did have a bit of a meltdown, specially when I traveled this week to Mexico City and the last time I was at that airport was when I left him to move back home and it was soo very hard to deal with those memories, but I'm alive, I did it. I'm moving abroad in a month for a job, half way across the world, and I think I'm beginning to freak out and worry that..somehow, my brain picks up "anxiety" and I start thinking about him..I thought if I was focused on something like packing, getting ready to move, etc my mind wouldn't be so focused on him, but I guess..for the past 4 months he's the one I've felt fear, worry, anxiety and sadness over so my head is just confusing these new feelings with him. Blahhh but I've been better, so much better. I got to visit one of my friends from high school who I haven't seen in 4 years and it was sooo nice to hang out with someone and spend the day in bed watching tv and talking about boys and our future. She got me hooked on Korean dramas which I looove haha and they keep me busy and looking forward to something. So much is going on right now and I know I am moving in about a month. It's scary and exciting and I find myself daydreaming about meeting someone else which I didn't think possible 3 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 I was watching a romantic comedy last night and I must have been really tired or something cause I vaguely remember typing a text saying "I miss you" until I saw it on my drafts folder this evening. Yikes!! I almost, stupidly, broke NC..thank God I deleted his number and I must have been to tired to remember it or else I would have sent that text :S!!! I am moving in a month..I am very excited. It feels as if my life is gettng started. I've been afraid of so many things for too long..When I was with him, I was afraid he would break up with me so I tried to please him in every way I could so he would be happy with me without realizing I wasn't pleasing myself. When I moved back home..I was afraid he would leave me, and he did. And now that I'm moving again...well..it feels like freedom. Bittersweet freedom. I am done with college, I have no job, I have no boyfriend...I am moving to a new country without any expectations and it feels like I have no weight on my shoulders and no burden to carry. Although I do miss at times having someone with me to cuddle, kiss and just hug...I think I am really enjoying my solitude. It is precious after all Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted January 22, 2012 Author Share Posted January 22, 2012 For the past two days or so I've been really wanting to date someone else. I told my best friend "I want a boyfriend"...what is wrong with me? Why can't I just stay single and be happy that way? Maybe it's not that I am not happy..it's just that I miss sharing my life with someone and having that company that I've been just really wanting a new boyfriend. I don't miss my ex nor do I want him back...sometimes I find that I don't even care about him anymore tho at times I still love him very much. Just the idea of a boyfriend, falling in love again...well..that's got me excited..but then again...I don't want to. It's been 4 months since my BU..I'm not ready to get into a new relationship..so why do I want one so badly??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 Well..it's been 4 months since the BU and 2 months of NC. I cannot believe it's been 60 days since the last time I called him and he hung up on me. I broke down in my bathroom crying and shaking and I promsied myself it was the last time I was going to let him reject me and make me feel like crap. Or maybe, it was the last time I as going to let MYSELF get rejected again...he had already rejected me when he broke up with me so continuously contacting him..well that was all me. I was rejecting me and I was hurting ME. So I've stuck to NC and now it has been 2 months. No urge to contact him...yes I still dream about him but once a week...I do think about him everyday but not necessarily miss him either. I think mostly I miss having someone there with me and not him because I don't like the person he turned out to be, so how could I miss him??? I miss who he was in my head and the couple I thought we could be. But none of those is who he really is. Blahh..I can't really say I'm so happy it's been 2 months. Not celebrating either...what's there to celebrate really or feel happy about? Just giving myself a pat in the shoulder because I didn't think I could do it and here I am, getting better everyday. So yea...that's about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunflower11 Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 Little bit of a setback... Last night I couldn't stop myself and I logged into his email (yes I still remember his password and I know I shouldn't have but I just wanted to see how he was doing and if he had someone else). Well...I found a lot of pictures (very XXX rated) and emails from girls..and comments from my ex bragging about how he had sex with some girls a few days ago. It made me very angry last night and I was so dsgusted by what I saw...he is such a pig and I just felt all this hatred towards him. Today, after a month of being ok I just broke down crying cause I cannot believe he is so cold and he could move on just like that. It really fees as if I never existed, he just erased me from his memory so easily I wll never understand how someone can just do that. To think that I ever slept with this person..well it makes me feel disgusted with myself too. I am glad he broke up with me, I am glad I don't have someone like him in my life anymore. At the same time it hurts real bad.... Link to post Share on other sites
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