ChelseaLS Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Entry#1, Day 49 - Nov. 25 Starting a journal to cope. I need to get it all out. Thought I would start with a letter to my ex, a letter I will never send. B, Well it's been 49 days today. 49 days since you broke up with me. 48 days of beating myself up over what happened. I couldn't understand how you would spend a fortune on me for my birthday only to end it with me 3 weeks later. I couldn't understand why you would break up with me after making all these travel plans. For 48 days I blocked out what really went down, I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to see it... but I always knew. It happened with a previous ex and I didn't want to believe it happened again. Yesterday I had the courage to pull it back up and talk about it with a close friend. It makes sense now. I feel relieved now. B, Mr. "Have I ever given you a reason to doubt me", you cheated on me. The guilt ate at you and you broke up with me. It makes sense now. The things you said when we broke up (out of the blue), but cleverly avoided spilling about the cheating. Perhaps you didn't tell me because I would be hurt, because I told you from the beginning 6 years ago that I had a hard time trusting due to a previous ex cheating on me... and now you are one and the same. You better thank your closest buddies for their hand in this. I know how they work, I have heard their stories. Thank them for giving you that extra push. Thank that awesome ex of 10 + years ago too… thank her for the good time. I thought you were a man, and a grown up. At 34 years old, I assumed you would be. I used to ask what was wrong with me. Now I know there is nothing wrong with me. Sure there is always room for improvement in myself, but you had the hand that killed our relationship. I hope it was worth it... you've said it yourself that you will regret this, that you won't find anyone like me again. It all makes sense why you still haven't told any family or people from back home.. they would go up one side of you and down the other. It makes sense now. The stupid part is I still love you. My girlfriend asked me if I could forgive you, if I would take you back. I have a war going on between my head and my heart. My head says no, my heart is yes. Now I don't believe that people can’t change; forgive you... I could do, but how could I ever trust you? I hope you are hurting. I do. I hope you feel like an idiot and are disgusted with yourself. I don’t wish harm on you, but I hope you struggle with your guilt for a long time. You just lost an amazing girl. I am not tooting my own horn here, but I was always faithful, always showed you love. I took care of you when you were sick, and encouraged you with you were low. I have my own faults, but I was pretty damn awesome. So my dearest B, know that I loved you, all of you. Know that I was (and am) in love with you, not just the idea of us. Know that I gave my all in the relationship. Know that you threw it all away. Know that I am moving on. They say when it rains, it pours, but it's felt like a flood. I hope it stops raining soon. I deserve happiness. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Sincerely,[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]C[/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Hey, what makes you think that he cheated? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelseaLS Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Hey, what makes you think that he cheated? Well we had a fight the day of the break up because he lied to me about going out to the bar with an ex gf of 10 + years ago. Then I found some message, but I tried to ignore them and tell myself otherwise. It's kind of strange... this ex of his was on his FB friends before this all happened, and then after he broke up with me, he deleted her. The actions and words said make sense. I am 99% sure he did... I just didn't want to believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
nevadagirl Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 ChelseaLS, I see you posting on here a lot - and I find myself lurking on here a lot - just wanted to say I know how you feel. You're not alone. And I hope it gets better. It's cold comfort that this is not unique for any of us...and that it passes. But this really sucks. I hate that you have to work with your ex - it makes NC really difficult and it contributes to an irrational hope that things can work out. My ex wouldn't leave me alone even though I ignored him but the result was the same...2 months into the breakup and I'm feeling okay only to be bitch-slapped back to square one when I found out what was REALLY up.... and funny how they always have an ex out there who doesn't seem to care about the damage she can do to another woman. It's not that I lay the blame at the feet of their ex...but you'd think....that they'd think....why would I contribute to this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelseaLS Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 ChelseaLS, I see you posting on here a lot - and I find myself lurking on here a lot - just wanted to say I know how you feel. You're not alone. And I hope it gets better. It's cold comfort that this is not unique for any of us...and that it passes. But this really sucks. I hate that you have to work with your ex - it makes NC really difficult and it contributes to an irrational hope that things can work out. My ex wouldn't leave me alone even though I ignored him but the result was the same...2 months into the breakup and I'm feeling okay only to be bitch-slapped back to square one when I found out what was REALLY up.... and funny how they always have an ex out there who doesn't seem to care about the damage she can do to another woman. It's not that I lay the blame at the feet of their ex...but you'd think....that they'd think....why would I contribute to this? Thanks nevadagirl. I do post on here often, it seems to keep me sane.. and it gives my family and friends are break . I fully agree with your last paragraph. I am not sure why anyone would want to contribute to **** like this. It boggles my mind and saddens my heart. Like you I don't place the blame soley on their ex... after all aren't our ex's supposed to be their own people and responsible for their own actions. I know everything will work out in the end, it just feels like my world is crumbling with the break up and other **** that keeps piling up. I feel its so unfair and so undeserved. I am by no means perfect, but I try to practice good morals, and take responsibility for my own actions. I am so emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 Im sorry to hear that, keep up your journal please it helps others, including me, i started a NC one lol. It does help, ive also got a private one where i jot down everything id like to say to him. I think it does help. Many a times when writing a journal you answer your own questions, it gives some clarity don't you think, i think it may also be helpul in future break ups to refer back too. I am sorry to hear your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 oh i forgot to say, that exhaustion is the start of giving up, moving on. Just don't get sucked back in by breadcrumbs like i did. I even got the whole i want to get back together speach, never happened. Avoid the crumbs.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelseaLS Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Entry#2 Day 51 Nov 27 I hate weekends. I hate this. I hate that I still love you B. It's reality now. I am moving on. I love you, but I can't force you. The weekend was ****. I went out and had fun with my friends, my girls. It temporarily took my mind off of you. I'd like to run away, fly away, leave and just go. Again, I hope you are hurting too. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Hey chelsea, noticed you hadnt been around, hope your ok. xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelseaLS Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Hey chelsea, noticed you hadnt been around, hope your ok. xx Hey Smokey, Thanks for the concern. I okay... dying inside but okay. Time I guess. I would like to fast forward. I hope you are doing well, and are managing to cope. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I remember that, wishing it would go quicker, try not to wish your life away. Im fine, keeping busy it does help. Whats new? Any updates? xx Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 ChelseaLS, i am sorry you are going through this mess. what i really want to know is how is your medical situation? we can get through this other stuff you know that. How are things on that other front? Just thinking about you from that perspective. You will be fine with this I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
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