Soleil Maria Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 So I'll start this post off by admitting my own faults. I have a HARD time trusting men. I've been in numerous relationships before where I've gotten hurt pretty badly. The worst case of this was with my ex-fiancee, who I left a little over a year ago. He had a self-admitted porn and sex addiction that escalated into taking candid photos up other women's skirts. Once I found out this lovely fact I left him right away, but the wound from that was bad. We were set to be married in only a few months, had the location paid off, dress paid for, diamond ring on my finger, living together...the whole nine yards. So yes, needless to say, I've become very un-trusting of men and kind of insecure. Fast forward to present day. I've been with an AMAZING man for almost eight months now. He's sweet, affectionate, goofy, had a wonderful stable job, is just great all around. However, my lack of trust has started to bite me in the arse, and I have NO clue how to turn off these insecure thoughts rampaging through my head. For starters, lately he's been looking at a LOT more porn than we have been having sex. How do I know this, well...I check his phone's history to see what he's been checking out. Yup, there's that insecurity showing it's wonderful colors. What makes it even worse is that instead of just looking up your standard porno, he gets off to pictures of just normal (albeit skankily dressed and posed) women that are posted on various Internet sites. One of these sites is through our local radio station where girls can send in * * * * ty pictures of themselves to be crowned "Eye Candy of the Month". I noticed the other night he had looked through DOZENS of these pictures. Yet we're lucky to have sex twice-three times a week. So I'm already feeling icky and insecure over this fact. Then, at Thanksgiving dinner with his family today, his cousin was there with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is GORGEOUS, and I've had my boyfriend comment on this fact multiple times to me. Tonight my boyfriend told me he used to (jokingly?) hit on his cousin's girlfriend all the time, to the point where she actually went to his cousin and said something about it to him. Why would he tell me this lovely fact, I'm wondering, when it doesn't help my insecurity at all. Then my boyfriend ALSO has to mention what a great and trusting relationship his cousin has with this girl, a fact that I've also heard him mention numerous times. So now I'm sitting at home feeling depressed, jealous and insecure, and I have no clue how to turn it off or if I'm even justified in feeling yucky over anything. =( Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 When does it ever end? A guy who "gets off to pictures of... normal women"... and it is "worse" because he does this "instead of looking up your standard porno" Rule #1: You can't be unhappy or upset over porn unless it's PORN! You did show great reflexes in dumping the pervy guy who was taking photos up womens' skirts. You're having sex 2 or 3 times a week ('if you're lucky')... which is well within the range of normalcy (save for the "if you're lucky" part) You still allow for the chance that he is "an AMAZING man" and you reveal that the website of "a local radio station" is prominent to his spank bank (I tell ya, that's where I go as soon as I get home from work... the website of a local radio station) It is OK for you to feel insecure, but doing so is only limiting you. Why not trust yourself a bit more, particularly since you were so reflexive in dumping the guy who had overstepped the bounds of creepiness. Maybe give it more time, and refrain from snooping on his phone or his computer just for your added peace of mind? Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 He sounds immature and pretty inconsiderate. Sorry Maybe you needed some more time to focus on mending from the damage done by your ex before getting involved with someone else. In my experience, insecurities like this just don't go away magically --- they get worse. You can try to communicate your feelings to your partner and hope that he's willing to compromise with you and help you overcome your insecurities (even if it just means he will try to be understanding of them while you seek other ways to overcome them) --- but if he's not, it may be best to tackle them without him....... otherwise he will keep triggering them and you will live in too much stress, and in effect he will too. And you two will fall a part anyway, heh. One can't have a relationship without trust. You should be able to feel secure and comfortable with your partner, and they with you (for majority of the time). Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 2 to 3 times a week? I'd kill for that kind of frequency. I think most folks around here would consider once a week "kind of bad" and less than that as "something's probably up." But roughly every other day is a pretty normal groove to be into. It may not be the frequency that you desire, but I suspect you want the frequency to rise because you feel it will help with your insecurity, not because you actually desire it. A guy who "hits on his cousins' girlfriend" repetitively isn't a winner. I can't imagine flirting with someone to the extent that they run to their boyfriend to express their discomfort. I think your boyfriend's got some kind of weird thing going on with his admiration of her. It may well be that he's got a bit of a crush - he probably doesn't know the girl all that well given his creepy behavior, but in his head he's invented how 'perfect' she and his cousin are together. Something there is off. I can't tell you exactly that he's got his eyes on her, but I think I'd be lying if I were to say that it's entirely normal. The porn issue is something else entirely. You had no business looking up his records, especially given the frequency of your sex life. If it had tapered off and there wasn't a good excuse for it - of course you should speak up. But in this case, you willfully violated his privacy over something that someone did to you in the past. I understand it's painful - men can do some incredibly malicious and thoughtless things (and yes, men, women can do the same to you. I know). But if you've been together for 8 months and he's still insensitive enough to be so focused on his cousin's girlfriend, something is amiss. Either it's time for a frank discussion (in which you make clear in no uncertain terms that any gabbing about the cousin's girlfriend stops immediately), or it's time for you to hit the road. And if the discussion doesn't go well, it's still time for you to get your map out and start planning your exit. Link to post Share on other sites
Chitowngirl Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 2 to 3 times a week? I'd kill for that kind of frequency. I think most folks around here would consider once a week "kind of bad" and less than that as "something's probably up." But roughly every other day is a pretty normal groove to be into. It may not be the frequency that you desire, but I suspect you want the frequency to rise because you feel it will help with your insecurity, not because you actually desire it. A guy who "hits on his cousins' girlfriend" repetitively isn't a winner. I can't imagine flirting with someone to the extent that they run to their boyfriend to express their discomfort. I think your boyfriend's got some kind of weird thing going on with his admiration of her. It may well be that he's got a bit of a crush - he probably doesn't know the girl all that well given his creepy behavior, but in his head he's invented how 'perfect' she and his cousin are together. Something there is off. I can't tell you exactly that he's got his eyes on her, but I think I'd be lying if I were to say that it's entirely normal. The porn issue is something else entirely. You had no business looking up his records, especially given the frequency of your sex life. If it had tapered off and there wasn't a good excuse for it - of course you should speak up. But in this case, you willfully violated his privacy over something that someone did to you in the past. I understand it's painful - men can do some incredibly malicious and thoughtless things (and yes, men, women can do the same to you. I know). But if you've been together for 8 months and he's still insensitive enough to be so focused on his cousin's girlfriend, something is amiss. Either it's time for a frank discussion (in which you make clear in no uncertain terms that any gabbing about the cousin's girlfriend stops immediately), or it's time for you to hit the road. And if the discussion doesn't go well, it's still time for you to get your map out and start planning your exit. DITTO!!!!!!!!!! Very well said. Link to post Share on other sites
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