4 months NC - Now what?

[b_80_h]

So, I've been posting on the forums a lot about this dilemma I've been having lately, but this particular thread will be pretty brief. It's been 4 almost 4 months since I've talked to my ex girlfriend. We broke up back in June, and it was really hard on both of us. She ended up recovering better than I did, and when it came time for us to return to college, I had to make the choice and stay home and go to community college because my life had spiraled post-break-up.

 

I saw her one last time in August to return some stuff she had stored with me over the summer (she lives in Georgia, while I live a couple miles from the college in the state of Washington), and I made a half-hearted attempt asking her if she wanted to meet up and talk sometime. Long story short, she rejected me and told me to stop talking to her. I wasn't exactly an appealing guy after the break up originally happened, because I was depressed and trying my best to reclaim my personality after making tons of mistakes during the school year, and I didn't get any better after that. I only recently broke out of the funk I fell into.

 

Basically, it's been almost 4 months since we had contacted each other. I've managed to heal enough that I can see my old personality showing through the gloom, and others can as well. I'm trying my best to work on myself and rebuild the bridges I burnt over the last 6 months or so.

 

However, I've been finding myself wondering how she's doing. I'm not crying over her anymore, and I'm not aching to see her like I used to, but admittedly I've been thinking about her again. I'm terrified of how she might respond, but at the same time I'm somewhat hopeful. We were each others' first serious relationship, and we managed to wade through some tough times and still come out together. I guess I feel like something good might come of breaking NC...

 

Okay, the main problem: it's been 4 months, and I feel like reaching out to my ex and breaking NC. I don't want to look like I'm pursuing her, because I'm not ready for that, but I want to talk to her and reconnect, possibly seeing if there's any spark left at all. So, do I just ignore these feelings and continue NC? Do I contact her now and just get things off my chest? Or do I wait until I feel 100% confident about it, then play it cool with her?

 

 

As a little PS: I'd prefer answers that aren't "just her go." If that is genuinely the best answer, then so be it, but I KNOW it isn't the only one. I'm trying to treat this issue optimistically, so I'd like to believe there's a chance to at least rebuild a relationship with this woman, even if it isn't a romantic one. Even if it seems crazy, I'd still like to know any ideas on how to make this work.

Edited November 25, 2011 by b_80_h
added a postscript

[ChelseaLS]

So, I've been posting on the forums a lot about this dilemma I've been having lately, but this particular thread will be pretty brief. It's been 4 almost 4 months since I've talked to my ex girlfriend. We broke up back in June, and it was really hard on both of us. She ended up recovering better than I did, and when it came time for us to return to college, I had to make the choice and stay home and go to community college because my life had spiraled post-break-up.

 

I saw her one last time in August to return some stuff she had stored with me over the summer (she lives in Georgia, while I live a couple miles from the college in the state of Washington), and I made a half-hearted attempt asking her if she wanted to meet up and talk sometime. Long story short, she rejected me and told me to stop talking to her. I wasn't exactly an appealing guy after the break up originally happened, because I was depressed and trying my best to reclaim my personality after making tons of mistakes during the school year, and I didn't get any better after that. I only recently broke out of the funk I fell into.

 

Basically, it's been almost 4 months since we had contacted each other. I've managed to heal enough that I can see my old personality showing through the gloom, and others can as well. I'm trying my best to work on myself and rebuild the bridges I burnt over the last 6 months or so.

 

However, I've been finding myself wondering how she's doing. I'm not crying over her anymore, and I'm not aching to see her like I used to, but admittedly I've been thinking about her again. I'm terrified of how she might respond, but at the same time I'm somewhat hopeful. We were each others' first serious relationship, and we managed to wade through some tough times and still come out together. I guess I feel like something good might come of breaking NC...

 

Okay, the main problem: it's been 4 months, and I feel like reaching out to my ex and breaking NC. I don't want to look like I'm pursuing her, because I'm not ready for that, but I want to talk to her and reconnect, possibly seeing if there's any spark left at all. So, do I just ignore these feelings and continue NC? Do I contact her now and just get things off my chest? Or do I wait until I feel 100% confident about it, then play it cool with her?

 

 

As a little PS: I'd prefer answers that aren't "just her go." If that is genuinely the best answer, then so be it, but I KNOW it isn't the only one. I'm trying to treat this issue optimistically, so I'd like to believe there's a chance to at least rebuild a relationship with this woman, even if it isn't a romantic one. Even if it seems crazy, I'd still like to know any ideas on how to make this work.

 

 

Wait until you are 100%. If she doesn't reciprocate the way you are hoping, and you already said your scared of how she will respond, then I would wait.

 

Otherwise you risk taking a GIANT step back in your healing, which you have already had a rough start with.

 

You're healing is more important.

[patience82]

in my opinion i would say .. you did a good job resisting it.. so continue.. because if she wants you too, she would try to reach out as well.. or you can fish thru common friends before you make a step... because you will just get hurt again ... if it did not turn out as you "imagined".

 

Sometimes we miss people weve been with for the person that we picture them to be ...

 

-N-

[b_80_h]

Wait until you are 100%. If she doesn't reciprocate the way you are hoping, and you already said your scared of how she will respond, then I would wait.

 

Otherwise you risk taking a GIANT step back in your healing, which you have already had a rough start with.

 

You're healing is more important.

 

I figure you're right. It's gonna be a gamble either way, but I feel like the relationship I had with her is worth putting some chips down on. Obviously I wont go all-in, but it's worth making an effort at least out of respect for what we went through together.

 

in my opinion i would say .. you did a good job resisting it.. so continue.. because if she wants you too, she would try to reach out as well.. or you can fish thru common friends before you make a step... because you will just get hurt again ... if it did not turn out as you "imagined".

 

Sometimes we miss people weve been with for the person that we picture them to be ...

 

-N-

 

The one common friend we still have (the others didn't know me well, and kind of vacated soon after we split) has advised me multiple times that I should let her be, because she might not be too happy to hear from me. That made sense in August, when I was desperate and hurt and she was trying to settle into a new direction. Only thing I can do is give it a shot, right?

 

I got to watch her spiral into depression over a whole school year, and I supported and loved her as much as I could, so I've seen the worst in her. I remember her as the woman who complimented me in a lot of ways, so I'm trying to consider that without going overboard...

[patience82]

I figure you're right. It's gonna be a gamble either way, but I feel like the relationship I had with her is worth putting some chips down on. Obviously I wont go all-in, but it's worth making an effort at least out of respect for what we went through together.

 

 

 

The one common friend we still have (the others didn't know me well, and kind of vacated soon after we split) has advised me multiple times that I should let her be, because she might not be too happy to hear from me. That made sense in August, when I was desperate and hurt and she was trying to settle into a new direction. Only thing I can do is give it a shot, right?

 

I got to watch her spiral into depression over a whole school year, and I supported and loved her as much as I could, so I've seen the worst in her. I remember her as the woman who complimented me in a lot of ways, so I'm trying to consider that without going overboard...

 

 

I guess its time to think about yourself.. do you have a plan already just in case she will reject you, again? 3x? what do you "plan" to feel? im not going to ask you what you will do if she accepts you.. Im not being a pessimist.. but being realistic..

 

But if youre a gambler and a fan of rollercoaster then i must wish you goodluck..

[b_80_h]

I guess its time to think about yourself.. do you have a plan already just in case she will reject you, again? 3x? what do you "plan" to feel? im not going to ask you what you will do if she accepts you.. Im not being a pessimist.. but being realistic..

 

But if youre a gambler and a fan of rollercoaster then i must wish you goodluck..

 

If she rejects me? It's the most likely outcome as far as I know, so I'm braced for it. If she rejects me, especially once I've improved myself, then she's rejecting me at my best, and is no longer worth my time. I don't want to dwell on her, and I want to feel like I did my part to quell my own thoughts.

 

Oddly enough, I'd be less sure what to do if she accepted me, particularly if she accepted me romantically. I would have no idea what to do there honestly, but I think I could eventually figure something out... lol

 

Though, as an additional question for anyone who reads this...

Her birthday is coming up, in the middle of december. I was going to send her a message or something to wish her a happy birthday pretty innocuously, but I'm unsure how that might be taken. Perspectives?

[patience82]

If she rejects me? It's the most likely outcome as far as I know, so I'm braced for it. If she rejects me, especially once I've improved myself, then she's rejecting me at my best, and is no longer worth my time. I don't want to dwell on her, and I want to feel like I did my part to quell my own thoughts.

 

Oddly enough, I'd be less sure what to do if she accepted me, particularly if she accepted me romantically. I would have no idea what to do there honestly, but I think I could eventually figure something out... lol

 

Though, as an additional question for anyone who reads this...

Her birthday is coming up, in the middle of december. I was going to send her a message or something to wish her a happy birthday pretty innocuously, but I'm unsure how that might be taken. Perspectives?

 

 

okay do it for peace of mind (i cant be a hypocrite because i did that too TWICE but in one month) i got satisfied with the result .. It was WHAT I EXPECTED i got rejected but it helped me love myself more .. and in no time i didnt care about him anymore..

 

Oh dont do it on her birthday... its always a bad thing... i think after would be good...

 

anyway in the long run .. you do what you want .. and learn from your mistakes.. even the same mistakes lol.. the outcome is the same .. eventually we'll learn from it ... the irony is .. we dont know what we were missing in the process, while mastering to conquer that same mistake...

[b_80_h]

okay do it for peace of mind (i cant be a hypocrite because i did that too TWICE but in one month) i got satisfied with the result .. It was WHAT I EXPECTED i got rejected but it helped me love myself more .. and in no time i didnt care about him anymore..

 

Oh dont do it on her birthday... its always a bad thing... i think after would be good...

 

anyway in the long run .. you do what you want .. and learn from your mistakes.. even the same mistakes lol.. the outcome is the same .. eventually we'll learn from it ... the irony is .. we dont know what we were missing in the process, while mastering to conquer that same mistake...

 

Well, she's got a birthday the day before christmas, so after might not work... lol

 

I only brought it up because it felt like it would be a nice way to show I was thinking of her. It sounds nice in my head, but I'm unsure of the practical application of it... lol

[patience82]

Well, she's got a birthday the day before christmas, so after might not work... lol

 

I only brought it up because it felt like it would be a nice way to show I was thinking of her. It sounds nice in my head, but I'm unsure of the practical application of it... lol

 

 

my mom told me .. its nice to say merry christmas to my ex and his family since i was close to them.. (but in my case i wont .. cause i dont care anymore) so if you want you can greet them .. i wanna know the outcome .. if it went good ill try new year

[b_80_h]

my mom told me .. its nice to say merry christmas to my ex and his family since i was close to them.. (but in my case i wont .. cause i dont care anymore) so if you want you can greet them .. i wanna know the outcome .. if it went good ill try new year

 

See, I got to meet her family when I visited her at home... It'd just be weird to say much to them, since I'm probably in the category of "forgetten ex" now for them.

[patience82]

See, I got to meet her family when I visited her at home... It'd just be weird to say much to them, since I'm probably in the category of "forgetten ex" now for them.

 

You cannot be that crazy!!... SHOWING UP... youve got to call first...

 

you see even in restaurants you have to call first to have a reservations.. for a "certainty" that you HAVE A PLACE..

 

having a medical check up YOU HAVE TO CALL TOO.. to be entertained...

 

to a party you have to greet them before you CAN COME...

 

You see 1. youre being needy .. 2. you're excitement is goin pass the border.. 3. im not nostradamus but im havin a bad vibes take care of yourself hey

[BCCA]

Ask yourself this: what has she done that tells you that she is in any way interested in rekindling anything with you? It seems from what Ive read, she has done nothing that says she even wants to talk to you, let alone have something romantic with you. I think youre asking for dissapointment.

 

No matter how much you THINK you've 'braced' yourself, nothing can prepare you for the very real possbility that she isnt going to want to have anything to do with you. You'll be crushed. Like I told you before, no matter what you think - you WILL have expectations, and when you dont get what you expect from contacting her, you're going to be really messed up.

 

Her birthday is coming up, in the middle of december. I was going to send her a message or something to wish her a happy birthday pretty innocuously, but I'm unsure how that might be taken. Perspectives?

 

Dont send her anything or call her, its not a good idea. Again, you will have some expectations of whats going to happen, and youre likely not going to get what you want out of it. Just let it go.

 

You have to accept the fact that things are probably over. IF she hasnt made any attempts to get you back in 4 months, its just not going to happen. Leave well enough alone, man.

[b_80_h]

Ask yourself this: what has she done that tells you that she is in any way interested in rekindling anything with you? It seems from what Ive read, she has done nothing that says she even wants to talk to you, let alone have something romantic with you. I think youre asking for dissapointment.

 

No matter how much you THINK you've 'braced' yourself, nothing can prepare you for the very real possbility that she isnt going to want to have anything to do with you. You'll be crushed. Like I told you before, no matter what you think - you WILL have expectations, and when you dont get what you expect from contacting her, you're going to be really messed up.

 

Her birthday is coming up, in the middle of december. I was going to send her a message or something to wish her a happy birthday pretty innocuously, but I'm unsure how that might be taken. Perspectives?

 

Dont send her anything or call her, its not a good idea. Again, you will have some expectations of whats going to happen, and youre likely not going to get what you want out of it. Just let it go.

 

You have to accept the fact that things are probably over. IF she hasnt made any attempts to get you back in 4 months, its just not going to happen. Leave well enough alone, man.

 

I'll give you credit for being the consistent realist for me here... lol

 

I guess I'm stuck between wanting to follow this advice, and wanting to feel like I had a chance to finally close a door on my own.

 

 

How about this instead? I'll be returning to the university for the next school year. If I contact her at any point, that might be the time to do it. Even though it's still leaving the door open for some heartbreak, it forces me to put my life together and stand firmly on my own, that way I can think clearly about it.

[BCCA]

I'll give you credit for being the consistent realist for me here... lol

 

I guess I'm stuck between wanting to follow this advice, and wanting to feel like I had a chance to finally close a door on my own.

 

 

How about this instead? I'll be returning to the university for the next school year. If I contact her at any point, that might be the time to do it. Even though it's still leaving the door open for some heartbreak, it forces me to put my life together and stand firmly on my own, that way I can think clearly about it.

 

The reason I keep singing the same tune is because I was once in your shoes, and I did all the WRONG things, and all I got from it was dissapointment after dissapointment, and it took me forever to get over the breakup because of it. If I can help to spare you the same frustrations, than thats what Im going to do. No matter what you want, anytime you involve somebody else, it has to be something that BOTH of you want, or its just not going to happen. Way too many people think that if they just did or said the right thing, everything would change, and that only happens in movies - not real life.

 

You can close the door on your own right now by just accepting that its over and trying to move on with your life. Often times, we convince ourselves that we need the other person for closure of some sort, when nothing they do is going to help us heal whatsoever. Only when you can look in the mirror and tell yourself its over and that you need to heal can you move on. The other person is only going to be a source of pain and dissapointment, not any help in your healing process.

 

I think going back to the same school as her is a bad idea, and I almost positive that youre only doing it because you want to re-involve yourself in her life. If you go back to her school, and you walk on campus the first day and see her making out with some other dude, youll be absolutely crushed. For that reason alone you should just go someplace else. Again, we all convince ourselves that under the right circumstances, this person who dumped us will change their mind, and then we go out on a helpless journey to try and create said circumstances. In the end, all you do is keep breaking your heart over and over until youve had as much as you can take and then actually make the changes you need to get over them. The first thing you HAVE to do is distance yourself from this girl, and going back to her school is not doing that at all. Take my advice - find another school. Youll thank me later, trust me.

[b_80_h]

The reason I keep singing the same tune is because I was once in your shoes, and I did all the WRONG things, and all I got from it was dissapointment after dissapointment, and it took me forever to get over the breakup because of it. If I can help to spare you the same frustrations, than thats what Im going to do. No matter what you want, anytime you involve somebody else, it has to be something that BOTH of you want, or its just not going to happen. Way too many people think that if they just did or said the right thing, everything would change, and that only happens in movies - not real life.

 

You can close the door on your own right now by just accepting that its over and trying to move on with your life. Often times, we convince ourselves that we need the other person for closure of some sort, when nothing they do is going to help us heal whatsoever. Only when you can look in the mirror and tell yourself its over and that you need to heal can you move on. The other person is only going to be a source of pain and dissapointment, not any help in your healing process.

 

I think going back to the same school as her is a bad idea, and I almost positive that youre only doing it because you want to re-involve yourself in her life. If you go back to her school, and you walk on campus the first day and see her making out with some other dude, youll be absolutely crushed. For that reason alone you should just go someplace else. Again, we all convince ourselves that under the right circumstances, this person who dumped us will change their mind, and then we go out on a helpless journey to try and create said circumstances. In the end, all you do is keep breaking your heart over and over until youve had as much as you can take and then actually make the changes you need to get over them. The first thing you HAVE to do is distance yourself from this girl, and going back to her school is not doing that at all. Take my advice - find another school. Youll thank me later, trust me.

 

The only thing I'm considering now, more or less, is why I should abandon the school because of her. Your points are valid, and no matter what I say about how I would feel good for her being happy, it would kill me to see her with another guy. However, I chose that school before I ever met her, and I will probably be living off-campus. I'm going back there for the sake of the football team, and to finish the degree I started. As you've probably noticed, I'm extremely stubborn once I set my mind to something, and I'm determined to finish what I started academically for reasons that run pretty deep.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it doesn't seem right to abandon something just because of some chick. Wouldn't it be the ultimate act of moving on to continue to live my life?

 

You're convincing me of leaving it alone until I get my head straight, because I'm thinking about her more since I've been having some more recent problems. It's probably going to be a little while, but I can't do something dumb like talking to her until my life is in a really solid place... You know, until I don't feel like I need her.

 

It seems like I'll never get over this until I quit feeling like I need her, and once it ceases, I'm pretty sure my desire to talk to her will as well.