To love or not to love...again?

[findingnemo]

Hi everybody,

 

I've been thinking about what I want for my life in the future. I've been separated for almost 3 years and I'm in the middle of a D. I've met a few guys who seem interested and interesting but I haven't had anything remotely serious with anybody yet. I feel that I must have an idea of what I want for myself and at the same time make sure my 3 young kids will be safe and emotionally secure. Lately I've been thinking that I should rule love and M out completely for my near future. It seems like such a risky venture and having had two disastrous Rs (including my M) already, I don't want to play Russian Roulette with my life again. I feel like I need to make the decision now that I'll not allow myself to fall in love again before I can start dating. And yet...how practical is that? I need love just like anybody else and if I ignore this fact, I'll be choosing to live in la-la land. Love could sneak up on me and destroy me once again.

 

1. How did you feel about loving again after your separation or D?

 

2. Anybody have a practical plan on balancing the needs of my kids and my own needs for companionship? What did you do?

 

3. Right now I feel like M is a really bad idea. It's not easy to get a D and the whole ordeal has put me off even thinking that I will voluntarily walk down another aisle. Anybody feel the same way? Is this a natural reaction? (it seems like an extreme reaction to me but that's how I feel).

 

I'm lonely but scared of even looking at someone for a serious R. How did/do you get past that and how long does it take? I'm also scared that I'll wake up one day to find my last son leaving home and I'll be all alone...and too old to love and be loved.

 

Any views/advice will be highly appreciated?

[findingnemo]

Why can't you fall in love with a guy who will help you take care of your children?

 

It almost sounds like in your mind, you have separated men into two groups:

 

1. The reliable boring guys who are good step parents.

 

2. The exciting guys to have sex and fall in love with who will not be good step parents.

 

What about 3., guys who you fall in love with because they make good step parents?

 

See, this is the part I really don't get at all. It sounds like you think finding a guy who will help make sure your 3 young kids will be safe and emotionally secure isn't enough.

 

What else is there?

 

 

There it is again....you seem to have the notion that a partner who will be good for your kids is mutually exclusive to a guy who will be good for you...when the reality is they are one and the same thing. You will keep failing at relationships until you figure out how you got to such a place.

 

Wow...when I read the beginning of your post, the first thing I thought was that I've never thought of guys in terms of boring vs. fun, or reliable vs. unreliable and concluded that I like fun and unreliable. No. I don't like bad boys at all. My idea of fun is also quite conservative in taste. But I think you're on to something here. Maybe I don't think I can find a guy who can love them, be a great dad and be loved by me.

 

I have worried that I am all my kids have and that perhaps it would be selfish and irresponsible of me to risk loving anybody based on the way things can turn out badly. I honestly believe that their dad doesn't love them. Maybe that's why it's hard to think that another man would.

 

What got me to this place? Not sure. An abusive M? Emotional effects of having been an AP? A history of 2 long term but unsuccessful Rs (ie. the A and the M)? Whatever it is, I'm not sure I trust myself right now to even know a good man if saw him. All I see is potential heartache all over the place.

 

Thanks for your opinion. It gives me a lot to think about.

[findingnemo]

You need to find the boring reliable bland hard working good step daddy type, and then use your knowledge of the feminine arts to bring out the tiger in him.

 

That's hilarious:laugh::laugh: