Would you stay friends with someone that made a rude comment about your weight?

[Lurker1983]

This question goes out more to the women. Let's say you live with a roommate for months. She tells you her problems, and you share yours. You say you have a body image disorder and that your mom is obsessed with you being as thin as possible. She also shares how people have made rude comments about her weight. Mind you, both of us are average and aren't overweight. Yet, we were simply discussing how certain people in our lives (like my mom and her clients/dance teacher) have been critical.

 

Months later, your roommate suddenly says to you "Do you keep your weight on to piss your mom off? You have gained a lot of weight." How would you feel? Would you feel your friend is being malicious, especially when she knows weight is sensitive issue for you? Your friend justifies her actions by saying "You told me you don't know what you look like. That's why I told you." HUH? She did say sorry when I told her it hurt my feelings, but it's still weird why you would want to say that to someone.

 

When I moved with this roommate, I did gain 10 lbs because she invited me to eat all of this unhealthy food. When I moved out from her place, I ironically lost all of my weight lol.

 

I decided to keep a distance from this person. I even deleted her off of my facebook. That comment of hers was just weird. Most women I have talked to understand that women are already under a lot of pressure as it is to have the perfect body. They don't need a friend nitpicking at it.

 

The only hard part was that she let me stay at her apartment when the person I was dating was being toxic. I'm grateful that she did that, but I think her comments reveal who she really is in a way.

 

 

Would you ladies stay friends that said that to you? I tried to get over it, but I just can't do it. A real friend doesn't bring you down like that.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Lurker1983

[Feelin Frisky]

I stayed friends with a guy who said something very hurtful about my weight. We were living the same life-style of working hard, drinking hard and eating loose. He gained no weight and I seemed to gain it for both of us. It upset me and I took a lonely walk home for a couple of miles being angry, ashamed and hurt. I lost some weight because of it and stopped hanging out with him after work every day in Wall Street saloons (in our 20's). He became a bad alcoholic and committed suicide. But I stayed friends with him until he moved to Wisconsin where he croaked himself a few years later. We just didn't run together the same way after that nasty comment but I didn't sever ties entirely over it--I just knew that he was the main trigger for my overdoing it and my metabolism wouldn't let me get away with it. Maybe I'm lucky after all. RIP.

[Forever Learning]

Could it be possible she asked this question without any malicious intent? The intent is always open to interpretation. Your interpretation is a knee jerk reaction that she was trying to be b*tchy when she said it.

 

But what if, she was actually honestly asking you this question due to the previous discussions you had with her about your mom pressuring you to be thin? I think it may have been a very innocent question on her part, without any malicious intent.

 

But only YOU will know for sure, because you know her best, and you were there to assess her tone of voice and facial and body language as she asked it. Along with, her previuos history of things she says/ asks you.

 

Everyone makes mistakes (plural) and life is a learning process. Good friends are hard to come by. It sounds like at other times, she has been a good friend to you (letting you stay over to escape a toxic person in your life).

 

You need to step back and weigh all the evidence as to who she is in the big scheme of things, to determine whether or not you really want to sever the friendship. I have a history of having a tendency of getting my feelings hurt more easily than many people and have severed friendships over comments like what she said to you.

 

In retrospect, I can see now (that I am in my 40's) that I was often times over reacting to a misguided and poorly thought out comment from a friend, due to my OWN very thin skin and my own deep insecurities at the time (in my 20's). My parents didn't help things, they played a big role in forming who I was in my teens and twenties - they were very negative and critical perfectionists, never offering support and positive commentary.

 

My parents actions shaped who I was at that early and tender time in my life (teens / twenties). My mother was also concerned with keeping her daughters thin. There was no junk food in the house, no pizza every so often, etc etc. My snacks allowed after school were carrot sticks and a spoonful of wheat germ. Fun stuff. I actually feel annoyed all over again while writing about this. That just goes to show, these resentments and emotions towards one's parents run deep. However, I do not have the same level of intensity of emotion about it all, as I did in my twenties. The emotion has lessened and subsided. The hurts don't hurt as bad anymore. Time tempered the emotion.

 

Oh, but those puny snacks Mom allowed me did keep me thin. I was a stick figure girl with knobby knees and no body fat, through age 15 or so, until I found friends to drive me to the store and I used babysitting money to buy snacks I had always wanted to try but wasn't allowed.

 

And yes, I have since pondered whether some of my eating habits, once I was out of my parents house, wasn't a big "F-YOU" to my parents and their dietary restrictions on me. It's a valid thought and a valid question. Just hurtful when your friend asked it. But it might have been an innocent question after all, on her part. Does any of this make sense to you? I hope so.

 

So anyhoo, just think long and hard about your own reactions to a friend's stray comment. Make sure you're not overreacting. Talk it out with her if you can, or send an email. Express your hurt, and why it hurt you. Maybe you guys can salvage the friendship and grow stronger from it. This is true in all relationships in life. Good luck.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Forever Learning

[PlumPrincess]

Could it be possible she asked this question without any malicious intent? The intent is always open to interpretation. Your interpretation is a knee jerk reaction that she was trying to be b*tchy when she said it.

 

But what if, she was actually honestly asking you this question due to the previous discussions you had with her about your mom pressuring you to be thin? I think it may have been a very innocent question on her part, without any malicious intent.

 

But only YOU will know for sure, because you know her best, and you were there to assess her tone of voice and facial and body language as she asked it. Along with, her previuos history of things she says/ asks you.

 

Everyone makes mistakes (plural) and life is a learning process. Good friends are hard to come by. It sounds like at other times, she has been a good friend to you (letting you stay over to escape a toxic person in your life).

 

You need to step back and weigh all the evidence as to who she is in the big scheme of things, to determine whether or not you really want to sever the friendship. I have a history of having a tendency of getting my feelings hurt more easily than many people and have severed friendships over comments like what she said to you.

 

In retrospect, I can see now (that I am in my 40's) that I was often times over reacting to a misguided and poorly thought out comment from a friend, due to my OWN very thin skin and my own deep insecurities at the time (in my 20's). My parents didn't help things, they played a big role in forming who I was in my teens and twenties - they were very negative and critical perfectionists, never offering support and positive commentary.

 

My parents actions shaped who I was at that early and tender time in my life (teens / twenties). My mother was also concerned with keeping her daughters thin. There was no junk food in the house, no pizza every so often, etc etc. My snacks allowed after school were carrot sticks and a spoonful of wheat germ. Fun stuff.

 

Oh, but it did keep me thin. I was a stick figure girl with knobby knees and no body fat, through age 15 or so, until I found friends to drive me to the store and I used babysitting money to buy snacks I had always wanted to try but wasn't allowed.

 

And yes, I have since pondered whether some of my eating habits, once I was out of my parents house, wasn't a big "F-YOU" to my parents and their dietary restrictions on me. It's a valid thought and a valid question. Just hurtful when your friend asked it. But it might have been an innocent question after all, on her part. Does any of this make sense to you? I hope so.

 

So anyhoo, just think long and hard about your own reactions to a friend's stray comment. Make sure you're not overreacting. Talk it out with her if you can, or send an email. Express your hurt, and why it hurt you. Maybe you guys can salvage the friendship and grow stronger from it. This is true in all relationships in life. Good luck.

That's a very good post. I'm the same. Nowadays, I try to be more generous and not take things too seriously.

Edited November 26, 2011 by PlumPrincess

[Forever Learning]

That's a very good post. I'm the same. Nowadays, I try to be more generous and not take things too seriously.

 

Thank you! I view life as one big learning process, it never ends. And I have had so much to learn, and usually learned the hard way.

 

Some people, for various reasons (usually childhood traumas), seem to be incapable of learning much (my ex-husband for example). That is a shame but also a hard truth in life.

 

If someone (anyone) is able to rise above the initial emotion and hurt of a situation (or if not rise above it, at least work and reason through it, giving time a chance to let them calm down from riled up emotions) they usually benefit in gaining a more clear and stable perspective on the issue/problem, especially when putting it into 'the grand scheme of things'. Easier said than done.

 

Also, it's harder to define what the 'grand scheme of things' is exactly, when you are in your twenties. But it can be done, with thought and reflection, especially about one's self and why we react the way we do (so much is childhood hurts that propel us to have our hardened one sided view of the world around us).

 

It all sounds corny when I write it right now. But anyway, it is my truth. I'm still working on alot of what I have just written myself, probably always will be. And that's ok. It's not a race to perfection, just a journey to peace. Cheers!

[Lurker1983]

Talk about not taking responsibility for one's own life. Your bad eating habits are 100% your own responsibility.

 

This a reflectioin of how you see come across in this post. A victim. Your room mate isn't the issue. You are.

 

Fortunately it seems you are slowly realizing this and understand that you need to get charge of your own life.

 

 

 

I take responsibility for my weight gain. Where did I say I didn't? I was simply explaining the change in environment. You are the one misinterpreting the comment.

 

I think you accusing me of playing the victim was poor communication on your part and a bit insensitive. A better way of saying so is "Just take responsibility for choosing to eat your roommate's food."

 

There's a way to get the point across while being empathic to others and solution-focused oriented.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Lurker1983

[Lurker1983]

ForeverConfused-You may be right in the sense of how we over-react to things, but I still think people are entitled to their feelings. The dealbreaker is whether the person on the receiving end understands where you're coming from.

 

Martinman's post is reminding me of how people blame child abuse victims. It makes me wonder if he's the type of person that can't understand the long-term effects of parents abusing their children. Let's say a child sexual abuse survivor has always struggled with not being able to stand up for herself. Obviously, this comes from being raised in a family where you were taught that you didn't have the right to say no and that anybody could violate you. If nobody taught her or raised her to have the confidence to be assertive, how would she know? I would think it's cruel for someone to say "You are responsible for your own actions. You are playing victim. Just get over it and start standing up for yourself."

 

Maybe MartinMan didn't mean anything bad with his "You are playing victim" comment, but the way how he said it triggered a lot of emotions. Then again, I work in a field where we would all be fired by our clients if we told them "you are playing victim." That's just not in my vocabulary, and I don't believe in minimizing people's feelings.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Lurker1983

[Eddie Edirol]

I take responsibility for my weight gain. Where did I say I didn't? I was simply explaining the change in environment. You are the one misinterpreting the comment.

 

I think you accusing me of playing the victim was poor communication on your part and a bit insensitive. A better way of saying so is "Just take responsibility for choosing to eat your roommate's food."

 

There's a way to get the point across while being empathic to others and solution-focused oriented.

 

You missed what he said. You are the one with the disorder. Its not her problem, its yours. Its just a self esteem issue, its not even really a disorder. You cant depend on the world to coddle you because you dont want to hear "hey you gained weight!" You think that people that walk around with three fingers freak out when people freak out after shaking hands? Nope, they learned that people cant handle it, and they rise above it.

 

She thought she could be honest with you, but you proved to her that she couldnt be. You already knew that you were working on losing the weight, you DID lose the weight, you shouldnt even be thinking that you have a disorder anymore, because now youre where you should be. Now that you lost the weight, you just need to get rid of the victim mentality. If you stop thinking that you have a "disorder", you wont be so unnecessarily sensitive. Also needing to be talked to like a 5 year old, as you asked the other poster to do. Im sure youre an adult arent you? So you did her a favor by unfriending her. By the way, if you didnt tell her why you are distancing yourself from her, youre not better than she is, and youre adding cowardice to victim.

 

So the real question is, do you enjoy the drama of the situation, or do you just want to keep being a victim? You lost the weight, why would you still hold this against her when she was right?

[Lurker1983]

By the way, if you didnt tell her why you are distancing yourself from her, youre not better than she is, and youre adding cowardice to victim.

 

You're contradicting yourself here. First, you are implying that there's nothing wrong with what she did. Second, you are saying "You're not better than she is." Have you thought about that your sentence right here is admitting that something is wrong to begin with?

 

 

 

 

Its just a self esteem issue, its not even really a disorder.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder. Are you saying that you have more authority over psychologists? She has bipolar disorder herself. I don't make comments about her disorder or try to trigger her. My point is that if I express the same empathy towards her, I would expect the same. I would never tell her "Bipolar disorder is your problem and not mine." I'm a friend, who is there to listen and help.

 

 

You cant depend on the world to coddle you because you dont want to hear "hey you gained weight!"

 

We're talking about a friend, and not the entire world. I haven't experienced the rest of the world saying that. I don't know where you live, but most people here don't randomly drop comments like that. I live in a major city and not a small town.

 

you shouldnt even be thinking that you have a disorder anymore, because now youre where you should be

 

The disorder is pervasive just like bipolar disorder, chronic depression and chronic PTSD.

 

 

You lost the weight, why would you still hold this against her when she was right?

 

Most women would agree that it's none of somebody's business to comment on weight. Pointing it out can make a woman feel uncomfortable, even if she knows it. That's like me telling you "Hey, you have a small penis." Don't lie to yourself and say that you would let it slide. I highly doubt you would want your significant other saying that.

 

Also needing to be talked to like a 5 year old, as you asked the other poster to do. Im sure youre an adult arent you?

 

Effective communication skills still apply to adults. Why do you think so much information exists on healthy communication in relationships? It's because people are trying to teach two adults to not resort to negative comments. I disagree with your opinion on how it's needing to be talked like a 5 year old. Most people are polite and gracious where I live, and don't talk in the manner that you are speaking.

 

you just need to get rid of the victim mentality.

 

People have a right to setting their own boundaries in friendships and what makes them comfortable. Healthy people respect boundaries, will not complain or criticize.

 

I posted this topic mostly to women, because there would be a higher chance of understanding. You can have your opinion, but you're also coming from a male perspective where you might have a hard time empathizing. If you can't see where I'm coming from, too bad. You keep your opinion and I will keep mine. Thanks for sharing your input.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Lurker1983

[Lurker1983]

I stayed friends with a guy who said something very hurtful about my weight. We were living the same life-style of working hard, drinking hard and eating loose. He gained no weight and I seemed to gain it for both of us. It upset me and I took a lonely walk home for a couple of miles being angry, ashamed and hurt. I lost some weight because of it and stopped hanging out with him after work every day in Wall Street saloons (in our 20's). He became a bad alcoholic and committed suicide. But I stayed friends with him until he moved to Wisconsin where he croaked himself a few years later. We just didn't run together the same way after that nasty comment but I didn't sever ties entirely over it--I just knew that he was the main trigger for my overdoing it and my metabolism wouldn't let me get away with it. Maybe I'm lucky after all. RIP.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. My condolences.

[Lurker1983]

Eddie and Martinman-Let me share with you a quote from a friend who is a part of my childhood sexual abuse survivor group

 

" We are victims and we are on the road to become more than a survivor. we can understand and are willing to understand how the mind interacts, reacts, responds, and behaves after having gone through something traumatic. some victims sometimes can't even understand that. but, it's because they are in denial themselves. If our feelings are hurt, it doesn't mean we are wrong. Anybody who tells you have no right to your feelings is seeking to re-victimize you."

 

 

 

 

I'm going to e-mail her and tell the friend in the OP how I really felt again. I was stressed out last night and couldn't sleep, so I may have acted out of irrational thought.

 

Nonetheless, I stand by my opinion that it was a tactless comment, and that some of the men on this forum have a tendency to be condescending. When she apologized for her comment, I told her it was okay and let it slide. But, it would still occasionally bother me and pop up in my head. This probably resulted in me not being fully honest with how I felt. Repressed feelings can lead to anxiety and pent-up anger.

 

So, I'm going to tell her how I truly feel. Effective communication also means being honest and in touch with how you feel. It's not about playing victim, but honoring your feelings, your thoughts and your boundaries. There's no rule that says you have to put up with something that you're uncomfortable with in a friendship/relationship.

 

Sorry for the triple post. The most empathic person in this thread is foreverlearning, who seems to have similar experiences and is also a woman if I'm not mistaken.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Lurker1983

[twinkles]

Many many years ago after a breakup I gained a few pounds..maybe 10

 

My uncle asked me if i had gained the weight so none would look at me and love me.

 

I reflected on that for a long time. Sure like you I felt hurt but you know what to this day I am grateful for his comments because they were true.

 

Try to figure out why your friends comment is hurting so much and try to work on that.

 

Don't resent your friend for what she said. It is rare in this world when someone can be really honest with you. Consider you self lucky.

 

PS.. my uncle was right

[Lurker1983]

Bingo. Exactly on the mark. It's revealing how the OP then goes into compare our lack of sympathy for her immmaturity to the predicament of victims of child abuse. She is playing the ultimate victim card.

 

Lurker. You are adult. Suck it up and get on in life.

 

It genuinely isn't my intention to play the victim. I will get on in life, and that means not having to put up with someone that responds like you.

 

If you consult with professionals, they will tell you that your "suck it up" comment is re-victimizing, unhealthy and agitates the healing process. There's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings, being mindful and then reaching for a solution.

 

If you think I'm immature, there's research to support that the brain chemistry does change during trauma and psychological regression occurs.

 

Is there anyway to delete or lock this topic?

[Lurker1983]

Many many years ago after a breakup I gained a few pounds..maybe 10

 

My uncle asked me if i had gained the weight so none would look at me and love me.

 

I reflected on that for a long time. Sure like you I felt hurt but you know what to this day I am grateful for his comments because they were true.

 

Try to figure out why your friends comment is hurting so much and try to work on that.

 

Don't resent your friend for what she said. It is rare in this world when someone can be really honest with you. Consider you self lucky.

 

PS.. my uncle was right

 

 

10 lbs isn't that much of a weight gain. It's not true that men will not love you because of that. Everybody has a different preference.

[Eddie Edirol]

Many many years ago after a breakup I gained a few pounds..maybe 10

 

My uncle asked me if i had gained the weight so none would look at me and love me.

 

I reflected on that for a long time. Sure like you I felt hurt but you know what to this day I am grateful for his comments because they were true.

 

Try to figure out why your friends comment is hurting so much and try to work on that.

 

Don't resent your friend for what she said. It is rare in this world when someone can be really honest with you. Consider you self lucky.

 

PS.. my uncle was right

 

It genuinely isn't my intention to play the victim. I will get on in life, and that means not having to put up with someone that responds like you.

 

If you consult with professionals, they will tell you that your "suck it up" comment is re-victimizing, unhealthy and agitates the healing process. There's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings, being mindful and then reaching for a solution.

 

If you think I'm immature, there's research to support that the brain chemistry does change during trauma and psychological regression occurs.

 

Is there anyway to delete or lock this topic?

 

 

Sorry to break it to you, but you cant just block a topic because youre not getting the validation that you want. People here will see right through your words, theyve all seen it before. Going through life avoiding hearing what you need to hear as opposed to what you want to hear is going to at some point hit you like a wall of bricks. Even Forever learning told you that youre being too sensitive. You seem to be more aware than someone who is "playing" a victim, so im surprised looking for validation in the first place.

 

BTW, youre right, 10 pounds is hardly anything to lose sleep over as far as a comment, post incident. But which is it, youre frustrated with your friends intentions or her comment? It sounds like shes done this more than once, and you suspect she is doing it maliciously. I know how to have empathy at will, I just dont have empathy for people who feel the need to exaggerate a non issue. if you look good, youre getting dates, or youre in a relationship right now, this is SO a non issue. Nothing should be touching your self esteem right now.

 

You already know what to do. You know who she is, we dont. if she has a history of trying to hurt you, you drop her as a friend.

If she is trying to be honest, you need to recognize that and stop trying to find reasons to be hurt. Bipolar or not. Especially if you already overcame the weight issue, that wasnt even an issue. Youre an adult, even Rosie ODonnel stopped using her abused childhood as a reason. If you recognized that an abused childhood was the cause of something, then you can overcome it, Like Forever Learning has. otherwise, it can only be assumed that you enjoy stressing yourself out.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[Micki]

Lurker, I think your friend's comment was harmless. It didn't sound malicious at all.

 

In fact, it sounds like you have a good friend. No one is perfect and no one is always going to say the perfect or right thing. Not our parents, kids, spouses, or friends.

 

However, after you expressed that the comment hurt your feelings, your friend apologized for it, which tells me that she respects your feelings and values you as a friend.

 

Personally, if it were me, I would let the animosity go, and I would definitely stay friends. I think that real friends forgive and don't hold grudges for minor things, especially if the person apologizes, and it's not an everyday occurrence. People make mistakes...no one is perfect. If I ended a friendship, it would have to be over something major, not minor.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Micki

[LilMissMovinOn]

Talk about not taking responsibility for one's own life. Your bad eating habits are 100% your own responsibility.

 

This a reflectioin of how you see come across in this post. A victim. Your room mate isn't the issue. You are.

 

Fortunately it seems you are slowly realizing this and understand that you need to get charge of your own life.

 

 

In fact research indicates that the eating habits of our friends & partners (which I think would include housemates) has a substantial impact upon our own eating habits and weight issues, so please stop being so arrogant and judgemental.

[LilMissMovinOn]

Sorry to break it to you, but you cant just block a topic because youre not getting the validation that you want. People here will see right through your words, theyve all seen it before. Going through life avoiding hearing what you need to hear as opposed to what you want to hear is going to at some point hit you like a wall of bricks. Even Forever learning told you that youre being too sensitive. You seem to be more aware than someone who is "playing" a victim, so im surprised looking for validation in the first place.

 

BTW, youre right, 10 pounds is hardly anything to lose sleep over as far as a comment, post incident. But which is it, youre frustrated with your friends intentions or her comment? It sounds like shes done this more than once, and you suspect she is doing it maliciously. I know how to have empathy at will, I just dont have empathy for people who feel the need to exaggerate a non issue. if you look good, youre getting dates, or youre in a relationship right now, this is SO a non issue. Nothing should be touching your self esteem right now.

 

You already know what to do. You know who she is, we dont. if she has a history of trying to hurt you, you drop her as a friend.

If she is trying to be honest, you need to recognize that and stop trying to find reasons to be hurt. Bipolar or not. Especially if you already overcame the weight issue, that wasnt even an issue. Youre an adult, even Rosie ODonnel stopped using her abused childhood as a reason. If you recognized that an abused childhood was the cause of something, then you can overcome it, Like Forever Learning has. otherwise, it can only be assumed that you enjoy stressing yourself out.

 

 

Oh my goodness. Who/what are YOU? A glass house or something???

[LilMissMovinOn]

j

Mature adults take responsibility for their own behavior. Any adult who complains about gaining weight because of their room mate's eating habits has a serious case of self-denial.

 

It's no wonder they would have no 'mature' perspective on how to react to a simple comment like a remark on their appearance.

 

Take responsibility for one's own life and stop being a whiny child.

 

Get off your sanctimonious high horse! The poster with weight issues may need in fact to CHANGE HOUSEMATES or accommodation arrangements in order to be in an environment where they are not tempted into unhealthy food choices & for them, coming to this realisation may be what is needed for them to 'take responsibility' for this issue. This is much like a former smoker realising that in order to stay stopped after quitting smoking, they can no longer share their living space with other smokers. Some will be able to of course whilst others will not. Who are any of us to judge others however? We are not them, do not know the full story of what they are going through, & thus, have no right to do so. Get a life & stop putting down people who are merely doing the best they can with theirs!

Edited November 28, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[LilMissMovinOn]

This question goes out more to the women. Let's say you live with a roommate for months. She tells you her problems, and you share yours. You say you have a body image disorder and that your mom is obsessed with you being as thin as possible. She also shares how people have made rude comments about her weight. Mind you, both of us are average and aren't overweight. Yet, we were simply discussing how certain people in our lives (like my mom and her clients/dance teacher) have been critical.

 

Months later, your roommate suddenly says to you "Do you keep your weight on to piss your mom off? You have gained a lot of weight." How would you feel? Would you feel your friend is being malicious, especially when she knows weight is sensitive issue for you? Your friend justifies her actions by saying "You told me you don't know what you look like. That's why I told you." HUH? She did say sorry when I told her it hurt my feelings, but it's still weird why you would want to say that to someone.

 

When I moved with this roommate, I did gain 10 lbs because she invited me to eat all of this unhealthy food. When I moved out from her place, I ironically lost all of my weight lol.

 

I decided to keep a distance from this person. I even deleted her off of my facebook. That comment of hers was just weird. Most women I have talked to understand that women are already under a lot of pressure as it is to have the perfect body. They don't need a friend nitpicking at it.

 

The only hard part was that she let me stay at her apartment when the person I was dating was being toxic. I'm grateful that she did that, but I think her comments reveal who she really is in a way.

 

 

Would you ladies stay friends that said that to you? I tried to get over it, but I just can't do it. A real friend doesn't bring you down like that.

l

 

Your so called 'friend' (deliberately or not but not out of the ballpark to have been intentional) sabotaged you by constant sharing of unhealthy food. These ppl are known as 'feeders' & will ruin your health (not to mention your figure) if you let them. No I would not continue a friendship with such a person given her odd / malicious comments to you.

[Lurkers1983]

It's me, the OP. While I understand that Eddie and MartinMan were trying to help, I didn't agree with the level of communication. Micki and Foreverlearning did an excellent job about disagreeing with me, yet communicating effectively. It's not about seeking validation, but the way how you speak and the words that you choose. Some of the reactions here, even if harmless, weren't my idea of a healthy and supportive environment. Does supportive mean you agree with everything someone has to say? No, but it's about learning to communicate your differences without offending either party.

 

Yukon-I stated earlier that I take responsibility for my weight gain. Yes, I should have turned my friend's invitation down, but I didn't. As lilmissmoving on said, our environments do influence us. We're not blaming the environment, but understanding how it affects us. Does that make sense to you?

 

 

Eddie-My roommate only made the comment once, and she did apologize again yesterday. The situation is now defused. When I made this topic, I was being mindful of how I felt and simply asking others what they would do in the situation. Since my previous experience with loveshack has been positive, I didn't expect some of the responses in this thread.

 

As far as child sexual abuse is concerned, I don't mean to use it as an excuse, but am trying to explain why some people act how they do. Does this mean that we have to stay in our situations forever? No. As long as you're working on growing, that's okay in my book. If I were using my abuse as an excuse, I would have continued living with my parents and not do anything about it. When we're healing from abuse, we may make mistakes and fail. In order to learn and succeed, mistakes and failure will be on the way. As they say in AA, one day at a time.

 

I know I have a problem with emotional de-regulation, but I'm working on it. Getting reactive to your comments was a mistake, but I'm over it now.If I wanted to play victim, I would resort to making you look evil, pout and try to get you banned. What I'm doing right now is acknowledging your words, while respecting my own boundaries.

 

 

MartinMan-I like your suggestion and that means not spending time on these forums. These forums don't build our character, but wear us down. It also creates a false sense of reality.

 

As for an adult getting worked up, I do think it's mature to acknowledge your emotions instead of burying them. Some of our emotions will be irrational. It's what you do with your emotion that counts. I was upset on Saturday, and took some time off on this forum. I waited to calm down until I could think objectively and respond to some of you. If I wanted to act immature, I would be stomping my feet and swearing at you.

 

 

So, the situation with my roommate is solved. Now, I'm leaving this topic as it is. Good luck to you all. My goal from now is not to spend time on these forums and do things that are good for me.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Lurkers1983

[Lurkers1983]

lurker, whether you are playing the role of the victim, the hero, or the monkey, what she said was incredibly tactless and quite rude. Especially coming from a friend.

 

There is an Alert Us button under every poster's post... people like to troll these boards and they have gone after me. It's nice to see I'm not the only they do this to. The same posters have said the same exact things to me.

 

 

Hi Lynnie, Thanks for your response.

 

I understand if you were hurt by these similar posters. What I'm trying to practice is to take these comments as a ball bouncing back off of you. It's okay to be hurt, take some time off of for yourself, and then practice letting go and rising above it.

 

Unfortunately, we can't control people's opinions and words. What we can control is who we choose to hang around with.

 

I'm making the choice to leave, but I wanted to respond to your post.

 

 

BTW, there were other issues with my roommate that made living situations incompatible, such as our cleanliness habits, swarms of flies, etc.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Lurkers1983

[Forever Learning]

MartinMan-I like your suggestion and that means not spending time on these forums. These forums don't build our character, but wear us down. It also creates a false sense of reality.

 

My goal from now is not to spend time on these forums and do things that are good for me.

 

I agree with you. This forum can create a false sense of reality.

 

Actual life experience via trial and error is a better teacher by far in which to learn things in life, in my opinion.

 

When you (or I, or anyone) find this or any forum is having a negative impact on one's life, they should give it a break or skip it altogether. Great decision.

 

It's not worth the aggravation or emotional response triggered by anonymous strangers with hurtful intentions cloaked in mixed messages.

 

There's way too much other fun stuff to do in life than sit at a keyboard and argue with folks. Not saying you are. Just a general observation.

 

All the best to you!

[Lurkers1983]

It's not worth the aggravation or emotional response triggered by anonymous strangers with hurtful intentions cloaked in mixed messages

 

Do you mean that you agree with me that these particular posters could be misperceived as hurtful?

 

It's ironic how these men didn't return when I calmed down and gave my point of view. My gut feeling is that they are looking to project their insecurities and frustrations online. They preach about acting like an adult, yet are they themselves the epitome of emotional maturity? If they abided by their own logic, they wouldn't feel the need to jump on an online forum and act condescending.

 

Something is going on in their own personal lives, but their computer is what lets them hide. Instead of taking the opportunity to better themselves and admit how their actions affect others, they would rather sit on a high horse and mask their issues. if that's not cowardice, I don't know what is.

[Lurkers1983]

Double post. Sorry.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Lurkers1983
double post!