Communication problems in marriage

[northwind79]

I have been going through some rough times with my wife over the past few months. I'm 32, she's 29 and we've been married for 3 years.

 

The main problem that we're having is that it's very hard for me to communicate my feelings to her, not because I find it hard to open up, but more often than it feels as if she's taking my thought and driving a sledgehammer right through them. This has caused me to become more withdrawn and when we have conversations I try to keep them to neutral topics where I won't have to talk about my own thoughts or feelings about things.

 

The thing, however, is that she has started complaining about that I never talk to her anymore, that I don't talk about what I feel, that I keep stuff about myself away from her and that she always tells me everything about her feelings and her life. I can't tell her about the reason why I feel I can't talk to her, though, because I know that will result in weeks of her being angry, and in the end she will most likely use what I have told her against me to show that I'm somehow a treacherous husband or something similar.

 

When I talk to her about a problem or some issues that I have with various things then what she tends to do tell me what to do about the problems, but it's not friendly suggestions but instead commands that she fully expects me to follow. Recently my brother, and as an extension my whole family, were going through a tough time due to his drug abuse. I found it very hard to talk to my wife about it because every time I was telling her about what was happening or tried to discuss with her about what to do, she would be giving me various commands some of which I thought were not applicable whatsoever to the situation at hand. After a couple of days of the crisis she started getting increasingly agitated and would snap at me for bringing it up and also for not listening to her when she told me what I should do, and if I did exactly what she told me to do then the problem would be solved and I wouldn't have to bother her about it anymore. This led to me just keeping whatever happened away from her because I couldn't trust her giving me support.

 

What has happened after this is that my brother has gotten his life back on track but my wife still hates him and doesn't want to have anything to do with him and has forbidden him to come to our house. In fact she has also forbidden two of my other friends to come to our house because she doesn't like one of my friend's wife and because my other friend was rude to her a few years ago. Once I tried to bring up the fact that I thought it was unfair that she tried to control who I can or cannot bring over as a guest and that I have never said no to her bringing any of her friends over, regardless of if I like them or not. She found it amazing that I could actually say something like that to her and thought that I was a traitor to her, and not loyal enough because I wanted to bring people over to our house that she didn't like. To this day she brings it up as an example of why I'm a bad husband.

 

Other times if I bring up things in regards to our marriage, or in regards to how she's behaving against me, then she will deflect the issue at hand by bringing up some old arguments that may or may not be related to the current argument. It could be something as simple as this: she says something that I find to be insulting, I tell her that I didn't like what she said and that I found that to be insulting, and then she would respond with "so it's ok for you to what you did 6 months to me then?" All I would want to hear is something along the lines "sorry, I didn't mean to insult you, won't happen again", but that never happens. At the end of the day then we argue about some trivial stuff that we argued about months ago.

 

Lately she's started to be sarcastic about things that I do. A couple a months ago at work, a few of my colleagues started a "biggest loser competition". I joined because I wanted to start losing some weight. So far it's been going pretty well and I've lost about 6 kilos in 2 months. When I'm telling my wife about how things are going and about how much I've lost each week she would respond with "so what's the point of you losing weight? you're gonna gain it all back and then some during christmas." I've ignored those comments but last night we had a weird argument about the whole thing. I told her that people at work were telling me that they could start to see that I've lost weight and that I should keep up the good work. She then was asking why I decided that I should lose weight? I said that when I first weighed myself before the competition started I realized that I was weighing way too much and I thought that I didn't want to be this size anymore. She said that it's ok to listen to other people tell you that you should lose weight but not listen to your own wife? She said that she had been telling me several times that I should lose weight but I didn't do anything. I said that no one told me what to do, I took my own decision, besides, I said, if I started losing weight because someone else told me to but I'm not determined myself to do it, then either nothing will happen or whatever weight I've lost I will gain back quickly. I said that it's about altering my own life in some ways, staying away from junk food, chocolates, sugary and fatty stuff, and exercising more, and those are decisions that you don't make lightly. It's not like telling me that I should wear a different tie because it goes better with my shirt or something like that. At this point she got so upset that I couldn't talk to her anymore.

 

It's stuff like this that makes it difficult to open up because I never know when something I say will escalate into a full blown argument because I just try to discuss things with her. Especially the stuff that doesn't have a direct connection to us and our marriage is something that I'm amazed that she manages to twist it into me having some hidden agendas, not respecting her or not listening to her.

 

Obviously she feels as though I don't respect her enough but I don't really understand what else I can do because on one hand I do respect her tremendously and do the best I can to cater to her wishes and demands, but on the other hand I also feel that I need to protect myself because I don't want to feel that my mind has been beaten into a pulp every time we have a conversation.

 

I don't really know what to do about the whole situation. I have been thinking that maybe we should go to couple's counseling or perhaps I should go to some individual counseling because I feel that I can't really discuss my marriage with anyone. Other aspects of my life I can discuss with my friends and family but not my married life. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Thanks for reading.

[findingnemo]

Hi Northwind,

 

No other suggestions. You need to both go for MC where you can get a word in and where she can be told by a neutral party that she lacks basic communication skills. Has she always been that way with you? Is there something that happened that made her suddenly combative?

 

In MC, you'll discover what exactly is bugging her. It could be her natural way of handling stressful situations that comes from experiences in her childhood. Whatever it is, a good therapist will get to the bottom of things. If you find you don't like the therapist or you feel that you Re going nowhere after 2 or 3 visits, find another. Try whatever you can to change this because it only gets worse if left as is.

 

Good luck.

[lordWilhelm]

"I don't really know what to do about the whole situation. I have been thinking that maybe we should go to couple's counseling or perhaps I should go to some individual counseling because I feel that I can't really discuss my marriage with anyone. Other aspects of my life I can discuss with my friends and family but not my married life. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Thanks for reading."

 

That would be a really good idea in your situation. Would she be open to MC?

[DonJuanInc]

I have been going through some rough times with my wife over the past few months. I'm 32, she's 29 and we've been married for 3 years.

 

The main problem that we're having is that it's very hard for me to communicate my feelings to her, not because I find it hard to open up, but more often than it feels as if she's taking my thought and driving a sledgehammer right through them. This has caused me to become more withdrawn and when we have conversations I try to keep them to neutral topics where I won't have to talk about my own thoughts or feelings about things.

 

The thing, however, is that she has started complaining about that I never talk to her anymore, that I don't talk about what I feel, that I keep stuff about myself away from her and that she always tells me everything about her feelings and her life. I can't tell her about the reason why I feel I can't talk to her, though, because I know that will result in weeks of her being angry, and in the end she will most likely use what I have told her against me to show that I'm somehow a treacherous husband or something similar.

 

When I first read this, my knee jerk reaction was to place some level of blame on you for shelling up and being unwilling to communicate because of how you expect her to react. Although this may be true to some extent, after reading the rest of your post I was amazed (in a bad way) at how your wife reacts to you.

 

When I talk to her about a problem or some issues that I have with various things then what she tends to do tell me what to do about the problems, but it's not friendly suggestions but instead commands that she fully expects me to follow. Recently my brother, and as an extension my whole family, were going through a tough time due to his drug abuse. I found it very hard to talk to my wife about it because every time I was telling her about what was happening or tried to discuss with her about what to do, she would be giving me various commands some of which I thought were not applicable whatsoever to the situation at hand. After a couple of days of the crisis she started getting increasingly agitated and would snap at me for bringing it up and also for not listening to her when she told me what I should do, and if I did exactly what she told me to do then the problem would be solved and I wouldn't have to bother her about it anymore. This led to me just keeping whatever happened away from her because I couldn't trust her giving me support.

 

Completely understandable. I've dealt with loved ones going through drug addictions and I know how helpless and frustrated it can make you feel. I can't imagine how it would feel having to deal with an unsupportive spouse on top of that.

 

What has happened after this is that my brother has gotten his life back on track but my wife still hates him and doesn't want to have anything to do with him and has forbidden him to come to our house. In fact she has also forbidden two of my other friends to come to our house because she doesn't like one of my friend's wife and because my other friend was rude to her a few years ago. Once I tried to bring up the fact that I thought it was unfair that she tried to control who I can or cannot bring over as a guest and that I have never said no to her bringing any of her friends over, regardless of if I like them or not. She found it amazing that I could actually say something like that to her and thought that I was a traitor to her, and not loyal enough because I wanted to bring people over to our house that she didn't like. To this day she brings it up as an example of why I'm a bad husband.

 

This is ridiculous. I've dealt with my SO not wanting certain guys over because she doesn't like them, but when you're living together it's a joint thing. I do my best to see these guys at their place or at a Boston Pizza for a couple beers or whatever, but the odd time they come over she just has to suck it up. She has friends I don't like, but I tolerate it when they're over or I go somewhere else. Compromise.

 

If the issue is something vehement, like an absolutely obnoxious friend or something, then it's understandable. Otherwise though, have some middle ground.

 

Also... saying your spouse is bad or referencing examples of why they suck is terrible. You should to have a serious discussion with her, and if she's unwilling, you should explore the option of seeing a professional counselor.

 

Other times if I bring up things in regards to our marriage, or in regards to how she's behaving against me, then she will deflect the issue at hand by bringing up some old arguments that may or may not be related to the current argument. It could be something as simple as this: she says something that I find to be insulting, I tell her that I didn't like what she said and that I found that to be insulting, and then she would respond with "so it's ok for you to what you did 6 months to me then?" All I would want to hear is something along the lines "sorry, I didn't mean to insult you, won't happen again", but that never happens. At the end of the day then we argue about some trivial stuff that we argued about months ago.

 

Sounds pretty defensive. I used to be this way, and when my girlfriend explained she just wants me to apologize and isn't necessarily attacking me, I started interpreting things a different way. Try explaining to her that all you're looking for is for her to acknowledge how you feel and apologize for insulting you.

 

Lately she's started to be sarcastic about things that I do. A couple a months ago at work, a few of my colleagues started a "biggest loser competition". I joined because I wanted to start losing some weight. So far it's been going pretty well and I've lost about 6 kilos in 2 months. When I'm telling my wife about how things are going and about how much I've lost each week she would respond with "so what's the point of you losing weight? you're gonna gain it all back and then some during christmas." I've ignored those comments but last night we had a weird argument about the whole thing. I told her that people at work were telling me that they could start to see that I've lost weight and that I should keep up the good work. She then was asking why I decided that I should lose weight? I said that when I first weighed myself before the competition started I realized that I was weighing way too much and I thought that I didn't want to be this size anymore. She said that it's ok to listen to other people tell you that you should lose weight but not listen to your own wife? She said that she had been telling me several times that I should lose weight but I didn't do anything. I said that no one told me what to do, I took my own decision, besides, I said, if I started losing weight because someone else told me to but I'm not determined myself to do it, then either nothing will happen or whatever weight I've lost I will gain back quickly. I said that it's about altering my own life in some ways, staying away from junk food, chocolates, sugary and fatty stuff, and exercising more, and those are decisions that you don't make lightly. It's not like telling me that I should wear a different tie because it goes better with my shirt or something like that. At this point she got so upset that I couldn't talk to her anymore.

 

Weight loss is a big deal, and it sounds like she's not supporting you at all. Not only that, but it sounds like she's even discrediting you. Counseling man, you gotta check it out. You guys are interpreting what's going on in such radically different ways, and you aren't communicating effectively enough to reconcile these different views. If you don't seek a third party to mesh your views, you will continue to grow apart.

 

It's stuff like this that makes it difficult to open up because I never know when something I say will escalate into a full blown argument because I just try to discuss things with her. Especially the stuff that doesn't have a direct connection to us and our marriage is something that I'm amazed that she manages to twist it into me having some hidden agendas, not respecting her or not listening to her.

 

Obviously she feels as though I don't respect her enough but I don't really understand what else I can do because on one hand I do respect her tremendously and do the best I can to cater to her wishes and demands, but on the other hand I also feel that I need to protect myself because I don't want to feel that my mind has been beaten into a pulp every time we have a conversation.

 

I don't really know what to do about the whole situation. I have been thinking that maybe we should go to couple's counseling or perhaps I should go to some individual counseling because I feel that I can't really discuss my marriage with anyone. Other aspects of my life I can discuss with my friends and family but not my married life. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Thanks for reading.

 

I feel for you. Try having a serious conversation about the lack of communication, and try explaining your views. If it doesn't go over, tell her you'd like to try going to a counselor. Good luck.

 

Cheers.