Worried after period of silence :(

[sweetyboo33]

I've been seeing this guy for about a month now and things moved very quickly...not so much physically, but emotionally. We wanted to be together a lot, had phone conversations for hours until early AM, texted and talked every day after our first day, and just ultimately felt an instant connection. He was very sweet and affectionate. We're both looking for the same things in life, share similar values, and are marriage-minded at this point in life. We even hinted at things with us being something that maybe would last forever and maybe having a future together...saying things like "might be our last first kiss" and "start of something special" etc etc. We kept saying things like we were so blessed to know each other. I felt comfortable being myself with him and when we were together. We were in our own little world smiling, laughing and being cute and romantic together. I would joke that we were making our own romantic comedy. When we were apart, we'd both say that we missed each other. You probably get the gist. He was crazy for me and I for him. We were on the brink of becoming an official couple it seemed. Things were really falling into place.

 

Soooo, then I was a bit surprised when on Wednesday night I didn't hear anything from him. His last text to me Wed. afternoon said he "wouldn't mind a smooch." and that he missed me. So, things were good with us - no problems. He had always called or at least texted on his way home from work and before going to sleep. So, I texted him to say I missed talking to him and hoped everything was okay (I'm a worrier by nature). I didn't receive a response that night or the next day (Thanksgiving). Nothing all day. I was sad, but chalked it up to maybe he was just really busy spending the holiday with his family that was visiting from out of town. Still, I thought it was odd that he wouldn't have texted me a little something as he had been doing every day for the last four weeks, even if just to say hi or something at the end of his day before bed or when getting up. I started to worry a bit. Then Friday. Same thing happened. I texted him saying that I missed him and hoped that I'd hear from him soon, that it wasn't like him to be so silent. I didn't hear from him all day. I thought maybe something was up with his texting, so I called him at the suggestion of my friend. It rang both times, but then voicemail picked up, so I left a sweet (not irritated or demanding sounding) message saying basically the same thing - hoping things were okay and that I missed him and that if I did or said something to upset him recently, I wanted him to call me to let me know so I'd have the opportunity to try to make things right. I told him how special things were between us and that I didn't think it was in his character to say goodbye in silence like this. Still no call or text after that heartfelt message to him. It's now Saturday almost noon. He hasn't been active on Facebook or the dating site that we met on in almost a week. I have no idea what to think, but I'm worried beyond belief and driving myself crazy right now. Every possible reason is running through my head...he met someone else, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, he was in an accident, he's sick, something bad happened to him, he lost/damaged his phone, something happened at work (he has a very high-risk job with Gov. agency), he had to leave town unexpectedly for work or something. Died, even?? I have no idea, but I would think with everything going so well with us, he'd be considerate enough to let me know something by phone or e-mail if one of those scenarios was the case, unless something really bad happened to him and was unable to contact me. This is just so unlike him to be so silent. Even if he was cold-hearted and I was being deceived this whole time, most people would at least text or e-mail saying they were done with dating them. And I understand the vanishing act being normal when people casually date for a few times, but we were way beyond that. He works very long hours and when he wasn't working or sleeping, he'd be with me or be talking to me. I don't have suspicions of him seeing someone else. He is very loyal and told me about being cheated on.

 

Please advise. I'm so distraught and don't know what to do. I don't want to accept that I've lost him and this is the end just yet. Should I go to his house when I know he would normally be home from work and relatives out of town for the holiday (i.e. Sunday night)? Maybe e-mail his best friend (he knows about me, never met tho) and ask if he has heard from him and knows anything? I just want answers. I'm worried about him.

[cerridwen]

He made contact on Wednesday.

Today is Saturday, so he's been silent for only two days.

 

You've known him a month.

That's not a lot of time.

You don't know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he's incapable of simply fading away without a goodbye.

So, don't let your anxiety convince you there's been an accident or death.

 

Don't email his friend.

If by NEXT Sunday night, you're still this distraught, and there's still no sign of him, MAYBE drive by his house and see if his car is there.

Don't go in.

Perhaps once it's confirmed he's alive, you'll be able to move on.

[writergal]

Ah, online dating. The world where men and women play mind games with each other, and treat dating like the lottery.

 

I hate to say it but you've been dumped, sweetyboo33.

 

If he was texting you everyday for 4 weeks then suddenly stopped for the past two days, you've been dumped. The pattern has been interupted. A holiday like Thanksgiving wouldn't prevent him from contacting you if he was still interested. But, his silence speaks volumes about his feelings at this point. There's no excuse (other than he died!) for his silence. You've already smothered him by calling him immediately after texting him, which shows you are too possessive of someone you barely know. In a way, you may have sabotaged any future with this cyber-dude by expecting him to be in constant communication with you before you actually spend time in person. You asked what you should do?

 

Do not email his friend.

Do not do a stalker-drive by his house to see if he's still alive.

Do not contact him again via text, email, phone, smoke signals or telepathy.

 

Accept that you had fun for a month with a guy you met online, then go back to your profile search and start over.

 

Oh, and try to find a guy who calls you and spends time with you in person. Text-relationships aren't real. People can say and insinuate things they don't really mean or have any intention of every doing. "I love you" to "a smooch would be great about now" are cyberspeak and in my book hold no meaning because you don't actually hear the person say it.

 

Here's a cool article about the psychology of online relationships. Maybe this will help you get over this cyber-dude who clearly doesn't want a real relationship with you.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/relationship-boot-camp/201104/relationships-today-text-or-not-text-is-it-curse-or-blessing

Edited November 26, 2011 by writergal

[sweetyboo33]

Wow, such harsh words. I'm not sure any of us can clearly say what's going on. As I mentioned in my post, there are a number of scenarios, most of which he probably could find a way to still reach out to me. I understand he is with his family that's visiting from out of town, so perhaps he has just been so wrapped up with them. Or worst case, something tragic. I saw that a co-worker posted on his Facebook page today about him not being at work either yesterday or today, which is very unlike him...he said he hasn't called out of work in years and takes it very seriously there. But who knows. I'm done speculating until I learn more as hopefully things are revealed in time. Thank you for the advice though.

 

I do want to point out though that if my post wasn't clear, he and I DID have an in-person dating relationship. We started by a few chats online and then phone conversations and later that first week of talking, met for our first date. We have been hanging out in person a few times a week for the last month, so we definitely developed an in-person REAL connection. We also talked on the phone every night that we didn't see each other...for hours a lot of nights. Jury is still out as to whether that connection has gone by the wayside.

 

Maybe it can be seen as possessive that I texted and called a few times in the last four days, but honestly I see it as caring as to what happened with us and to make sure he was okay. It was all heartfelt and didn't come across as angry. It's interesting, a few weeks ago actually, we were talking one night and I told him that I didn't call guys and that guys should do the pursuing. He agreed with me about the pursuing part, but said something along the lines of "you mean you wouldn't call a guy if he suddenly stopped calling you?" to which I responded "no, probably not." He was shocked and said "wow." So, I think he wouldn't mind if I reached out after him not contacting me. So, I took that as meaning it was okay with him that I texted and called a few times in a four day period. But I am done with contacting him at this point. Ball is totally in his court now and if there is no good excuse for him ignoring my texts/calls the last few days, I don't think I would even entertain picking up where we left off. I feel it's inconsiderate of my feelings, rude, and immature if there's no valid reason. It would hurt a lot considering where I thought we were, but what can ya do? I have too much self-respect to allow a guy to go MIA for awhile. And if this is his way of telling me goodbye for some odd reason, shame on him.

[writergal]

Wow, such harsh words. I'm not sure any of us can clearly say what's going on. As I mentioned in my post, there are a number of scenarios, most of which he probably could find a way to still reach out to me. I understand he is with his family that's visiting from out of town, so perhaps he has just been so wrapped up with them. Or worst case, something tragic. I saw that a co-worker posted on his Facebook page today about him not being at work either yesterday or today, which is very unlike him...he said he hasn't called out of work in years and takes it very seriously there. But who knows. I'm done speculating until I learn more as hopefully things are revealed in time. Thank you for the advice though.

 

I do want to point out though that if my post wasn't clear, he and I DID have an in-person dating relationship. We started by a few chats online and then phone conversations and later that first week of talking, met for our first date. We have been hanging out in person a few times a week for the last month, so we definitely developed an in-person REAL connection. We also talked on the phone every night that we didn't see each other...for hours a lot of nights. Jury is still out as to whether that connection has gone by the wayside.

 

Maybe it can be seen as possessive that I texted and called a few times in the last four days, but honestly I see it as caring as to what happened with us and to make sure he was okay. It was all heartfelt and didn't come across as angry. It's interesting, a few weeks ago actually, we were talking one night and I told him that I didn't call guys and that guys should do the pursuing. He agreed with me about the pursuing part, but said something along the lines of "you mean you wouldn't call a guy if he suddenly stopped calling you?" to which I responded "no, probably not." He was shocked and said "wow." So, I think he wouldn't mind if I reached out after him not contacting me. So, I took that as meaning it was okay with him that I texted and called a few times in a four day period. But I am done with contacting him at this point. Ball is totally in his court now and if there is no good excuse for him ignoring my texts/calls the last few days, I don't think I would even entertain picking up where we left off. I feel it's inconsiderate of my feelings, rude, and immature if there's no valid reason. It would hurt a lot considering where I thought we were, but what can ya do? I have too much self-respect to allow a guy to go MIA for awhile. And if this is his way of telling me goodbye for some odd reason, shame on him.

 

My words weren't meant to be harsh, just...realistic. You two barely know each other. I think you fell too hard, too fast for this guy by spending every other day with him in person, then talking and texting every day.

 

It's too much, too soon which means it will probably burn out just as quickly as it started. It's unfortunate but most likely what could happen here.

 

If you read the Psychology Today article I linked to you in my previous post, it directly applies to your situation because it discusses dating and texting. The article also analyzes two couples who use texting and dating. The second couple in the article reminds me of your post, so that's why I included it.

 

I agree with torn_curtain too; you shouldn't be talking about marriage etc. after only dating for 4 weeks. Trust me I've been in that dating scenario when I dated a divorced guy. He gave me his apartment keys 3 weeks after we met and told me he wanted to marry me. We'd only been on a few dates by that time and barely knew each other. My mistake was to allow myself to get swept up in the fantasy he created, so that when he dumped me a few months later, I was devastated because I'd bought the goods he sold me which weren't real. He was divorced, desperate and using online dating to mulify his anxiety about being alone after nearly a decade of being married. I was a sucker to date him.

 

Another guy I met online went out of town for a week after we'd only been dating for two weeks. Before he went out of town we slept together but didn't do the deed you know? Well, he told me that he wouldn't have time to text or call me while he was visiting his family which I thought was odd because like you and your guy; he and I had been texting every day and talking to each other on the phone a lot. I texted and called him while he was on his trip but he refused to respond. His silence during his trip was a huge red flag for me. I should have dropped it and moved on but I was too stubborn. So I sent him a nasty email which he called me about after he got back from his trip; to tell me that my ovaries were too old for him (jerk) which is why he didn't want to date me anymore (he and I were the same age when we met). He was a snake charmer that one. He came on strong and hard when we met online, but as soon as reality kicked in, he was gone in a flash.

 

Your guy hasn't contacted you while he's been with his family. If he didn't tell you ahead of time that he wouldn't be able to text you (and if he did, that's a red flag as my story illustrates), and he went from texting you every day to not texting you for the past two days...something is up and it's not good.

 

All I'm saying is that you need to use more discretion when you do OLD because when you rush into something as you have, it's easy to get swept up in the fantasy of what you want. You need to slow things waaaay down and not spend every other day together when you first start dating someone or you'll get burned. That's all I'm saying.

Edited November 27, 2011 by writergal