MI11 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 My girlfriend is pregnant with my child. It was not planned; the condom broke one night and I thought it felt a little differently inside of her, but didn't think much about it, as that had never happened to me. We are aware that there are options available to us, but we are not going to end the pregnancy. The issue is, if this had not have happened, I am not sure that we are right for each other long-term. It is hard to explain in such a small space; we enjoy being together, but there are a lot of things missing when I think of "marriage." I absolutely will be there for my girlfriend and child, but in my position, should I necessarily marry this woman? Would it be worse for the child if he/she is raised in a potentially unhappy home, as opposed to a situation with split parents? I fully understand this is ultimately a decision for myself and my girlfriend, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to hear some advice from outside sources. This will be the first child for either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I would say not to rush into anything then. Marriage is a HUGE step, and although I do not believe in having a child out of wedlock, I can testify that having married parents that don't get along (but stayed married) isn't fun either. And entering a marriage that you don't fully believe in is just a bad idea for EVERYONE involved. Given your situation I would I think the best course of action would probably be to just feel out the relationship, take it one step at a time, maybe even wait until the baby comes to decide anything. Then at least you can see if you WOULD be effective parents while in a romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
PugInPajamas Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 In this day and age having a child out of wedlock is not that big a taboo. Why rush into marriage if you are not sure ? Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 You also dont want the child once they grew up to think that they are the reason you got married if it did eventually lead there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MI11 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Thank you for the responses thus far. I agree that I can certainly afford to wait before making this decision. I just know I am going to have a hard time with this. My parents have been together for over 35 years; I just always had this image of being a family once I had children. Obviously, this is not always the case in today's world, but it is still difficult for me to come to accept that I may be raising a child with split parents. I want to do what is best for everyone involved. Does anyone on this forum have an experience similar to what I'm facing? Please note this woman is a good person; I just do not think we have that "best friend" connection that a marriage should include. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 This kind of marriage usually ends in divorce anyway. I think you can make the co-parenting arrangement work, even if you're not married. Who knows, maybe in a few years, you'll fall in love with this woman and decide you want to marry her after all. But as of right now, there's no need to rush into marriage just because you have a baby on the way. Kudos, by the way, for being a stand-up guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 I can relate to this in a few ways. Firstly, I'm the eldest child in my family and I've always had a sneaking suspicion that my parents weren't really 'right' for each other, but decided to make it work when my mum fell pregnant with me. Despite several more siblings, the family unit has never been what I'd call 'really close'. I don't consider it a good example of how I want my life to pan out. I want something much better than they had. This influenced my decision when something else happened... Just over a couple of years ago my girlfriend at the time unexpectedly fell pregnant, much like the situation you're in now. We were having more than our fair share of problems anyway, and it suddenly became abundantly clear to me how one could end up with a partner who wasn't really right for them. I decided that was a life I couldn't lead, and I had to do what I felt was right, cruel as it was. I left my girlfriend whilst she was pregnant, knowing I wouldn't be strong enough to do it after the baby arrived. I was there for the birth, I helped her out whenever possible, and saw the baby every weekend. Fast forward two and a half years to the present day. I'm still on good terms with my ex who is now living happily (I think!) with her new boyfriend/fiance, and my daughter will be two in January. I still see her every weekend. It does hurt to know that some other guy is going to have a bigger influence in her life and raising her than me. I miss not being able to see her more. It's also a big pain on my finances to pay child maintenance. Nonetheless, I still believe I've done the right thing. I'm single again at the moment, but by the time the little one is old enough to really want to know why I made the choices I did, I intend to have a genuinely really great long term relationship going. And I'll be able to say 'This is why'. Hope my perspective helps you out in some way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MI11 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 Wow, Andy, your story is eerily similar to mine. Thanks for sharing. I have been having trouble sleeping lately. I know I do not want to marry this woman, but I feel that this baby is going to "trap" us into an unhappy life together. How did your ex react when you left her? I initially thought it would be difficult to do what you did; I was thinking it wouldn't be fair to my girlfriend at this time. However, I've given it some thought and I'm not sure it's any better to avoid being up front and honest about things. I have a really hard time with the notion of having a baby and not being a family. I know that isn't all that uncommon these days, but it's just not something I ever thought would happen to me. I will give this some more thought, but I am starting to lean toward telling her how I feel. I have always thought it's important to be open and honest with your partner and this shouldn't be an exception. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I will give this some more thought, but I am starting to lean toward telling her how I feel. I have always thought it's important to be open and honest with your partner and this shouldn't be an exception. I would agree with being honest with her, however tread lightly. Pregnant women are extra sensitive, and this is a VERY emotionally charged conversation to have. Do you plan on continuing this relationship at least? Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 How did your ex react when you left her? I'm not going to go into details here, but it's safe to say she was very upset. To say it was hard to do would be an understatement. If you go that route, chances are you'll never do anything harder. But on the other hand, if you know she's not the one, it's better to give her the time for her to find the guy who is right for her, rather than split up 5 or 10 years down the line when it may be too late. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Adoption. You and girlfriend get your freedom and peace of mind knowing that your child will be in a home with two parents who can afford to raise her and who desperately want a child. When the kid is 18 you can have a family reunion. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) Thirteen years ago, my now-husband was living with a girlfriend with whom he had a rocky relationship, and she became pregnant. She wanted to get married, but while he cared about her and wanted to be there for their child, he didn't feel like marriage was the right path. He takes marriage seriously, only wanted to do it once. She was angry--which, honestly, isn't exactly a weird response--and she kicked him out, but they maintained a certain level of friendship as co-parents. When his daughter was very little, her mother had majority custody. He visited every weekend, had her over for evenings twice during the week. When she was weaned, she started sleeping at his place 2x a week, and when she started school he took more custody. He and her mother have always shared holidays and her birthday (both of their families live in the same area which makes that much easier than it is for some people). I started dating him when she was an adorable first-grader. I was 30, he was 35, we were just amazingly right for each other. His daughter was shy with other people but for whatever reason she and I got along really well right from the beginning. I moved in, and a couple years later we married. My stepdaughter was part of the wedding ceremony and right after my husband and I exchanged rings, I gave her a sapphire bracelet (her birthstone). It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world always, there have been times she wished we were all living together in one big home, for example, and there are tensions now between her mother and us. Also sometimes managing her after-school sports/art classes etc. can be difficult due to her fluctuant schedule--but we manage it. My stepdaughter doesn't remember a time when her parents were together, we all remain civil for her sake as we are adults, and she really loves having an extra-big family (four parents, eight grandparents...she includes ALL of us when she draws her family tree) and extra holiday gatherings. She has a step-parent she likes and a little brother at each house. She is a fantastic big sister to my toddler son, they absolutely adore each other. She lives with us half the time, and with her mother half the time. My husband has told me many times that while he sometimes feels guilty for the parts of his daughter's childhood that he has missed not being there for her every day, he knows that he made the right decisions and he is very grateful for the family he has made. One story, one possible outcome. Edited December 7, 2011 by Stung Link to post Share on other sites
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