Trying to make sense of it all

[Soul_sister]

I can't believe this happened to me. I am a BS who became the OW in an emotional affair. My husband left me for another woman a year and a half ago and I took precautions to heal, not to date until was ready, and then out of the blue an online friendship started becoming more. I was already deeply involved when it came out that he was married- although he assured me that his marriage was over. He was staying one more year until his youngest child graduated and then he was leaving. He claimed his wife knew and his (grown) kids knew already. The marriage was over and had been for years.

 

Our conversations were deep, intimate, and very sexual. He told me he loved me and that I was his soulmate. He told me he wanted to be with me forever and even asked me what my requirements were in a house so that he could find us a perfect home to live in together. He asked questions about me, my family, my life....we talked about anything and everything. I had been married to an emotionally distant man for 18 years so I ate it up. I fell so hard for this

man, I bared my soul to him.

 

One day we were chatting on Skype when his son walked in on him. He blew it off saying that if his wife caught him he'd leave her sooner that he planned so I thought nothing of it. After that though he started pulling away, texting me less and less. When I asked him what was going on, he said that he had no right asking me to be more than friends. I asked him not to end it, I would wait, and he said he wasn't ending anything. After that the relationship was different. He texted me less, was emotionally distant, didn't ask me anything about my life, but would make sexual comments, and alluded to our future together "someday". One night he was out and texted that the missed me and he was only interested in me. I asked what he wanted from me and he responded that he wanted me to love him with all my heart. He told me that the thought about me every second of everyday. Then after that...distant again!

 

The next time we talked I asked him if we were in a relationship and he responded NO! He said that the distance between us is too great (we live in different states) and even though he is attracted to me and thinks of me constantly we can't be in a relationship! WTF???? No mention of anything we had in the past! Even though the affair was never physical, we shared a very intense emotional bond. I'm absolutely stunned to think that it meant nothing to him!!! Did he decide not to leave his marriage? The sad fact is that I truly believed that he was in the process of ending his marriage. We both talked to each other about our marriages and how our divorces would affect our children. I honestly would never have gotten involved with a man who thought was still committed to his marriage and now I feel like such a fool.

 

I am hurting so badly. I don't even know what happened!!! I feel used and abandoned by someone who I felt was my soulmate, I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anyone again.

[Soul_sister]

Thanks for your quick reply, LadyGrey. You are correct we never met IRL-we were waiting for both marriages to be over before we did. I do realize much of what we had was a fantasy but I hoped that we could begin to create a "real" relationship once we met. I really can't believe I became so close to this man...I never in a million years would have guessed he was lying to me. (Though I never would have guessed that my husband would have been cheating on me either)!

 

I'm not sure I am up to sending him an email. He has texted me "hello" a couple of times since our talk and I haven't responded at all. I'm pretty sure he knows I don't want to continue communication at this point.

 

I'm doing ok as long as I don't go into the why, why why mode. It's such a strange situation...we never had sex (though the conversation was sexually charged at times). Why would he spend the past 3 months stringing me along if he just wasn't that into me anymore? I keep telling myself how lucky I am to have only spent the past 6 months involved emotionally with him...it could have been so much worse! Funny thing is that he's not my type at all. I literally wouldn't look twice at him if I met him on the street. I was just in such a vulnerable place after my marriage ended and he made me feel so wanted. I will consider this a lesson and be sure to guard my heart closely next time. And I will never, ever believe someone's marriage is really over until the ink is dry on the divorce papers.

[SoMovinOn]

One obvious lesson... you never really know how you will respond to a given situation until you are there.

 

The other you should see from this is - nothing online is real. It could be all made up, or, at best, you get to see a little bit of someone, whatever they choose to show you.

 

There is some good here... he made you feel wanted and desired at a time when you really needed that. The experience should give you a boost of confidence knowing you can find someone, a real man, in the flesh, who can make you feel that way.

 

Put this one behind you, take care of you, move ahead with your life.

[freestyle]

 

And I will never, ever believe someone's marriage is really over until the ink is dry on the divorce papers.

 

 

This is a good rule to live by---you can spare yourself an awful lot of heartache.

 

People in the process of separating (or even freshly divorced) are usually on an emotional rollercoaster, with their heart bouncing around like a ping-pong ball.It's normal........

 

My observation is that anyone in that much of a tailspin is not going to thinking/seeing clearly---so they are not going to be capable of being a good partner to someone else, until they stop spinning. So there will be a lot of push/pull behavior.Not unlike what you experienced OP--

"Go away..."

"Give me all your heart"

"We need to back off........."

"I'm only interested in you...."

 

That push/pull behavior will put you through hell........

[Bunnyslopes]

Soul_sister-

 

I found this LS thread to be interesting when I was trying to understand some similar behaviors: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t222871/

 

I do think that things are generally more complicated, but it helped give me a perspective that I wasn't familiar with before.

[Soul_sister]

Thank you for that thread, Bunnyslopes. After reading through it I suppose I do feel that I was "thrown under the bus" and didn't even realize it. He obviously changed his mind about our relationship and rather than tell me directly, he decided to minimize it just enough to make it comfortable for himself while throwing me just enough crumbs to keep believing that we were going somewhere. I have a feeling that he had second thoughts once caught by his son-perhaps he never really intended to leave, or perhaps the financial aspect of divorce after a 20+ year marriage was too daunting for him.

 

Regardless of the reason, I think I need to look inward and determine why I believed so completely in someone who was all talk and no substance. I fell for everything...from "my wife is evil" and "we haven't had sex in years" to "I've never truly been in love before I met you". The crazy thing is that he seemed exactly opposite of my stbx...obviously just as dangerous emotionally though.

 

I'm obviously not ready to date yet...I think I ignored just about every red flag possible. I'm truly sorry that I allowed this man to use me and I'm so very sorry that I interfered in a marriage that was obviously still intact. Even if he does still plan to leave his wife, she obviously had no idea that he was talking to me and for that I feel terrible.

[LilMissMovinOn]

I was already deeply involved when it came out that he was married

 

He claimed his wife knew and his (grown) kids knew...

 

I honestly would never have gotten involved with if I'd known.

 

I feel used and abandoned by someone who I felt was my soulmate, I don't know how I'm ever going to tust again .

 

This begins & ends on one level with the fact that you didnt realise at first that he was married. These men deliberately use such tactics knowing it takes strength of charactar for ppl to just walk away once they find out, strength which as human beings with human vulnerabilities many people at first, do not have. Thus, he DID use you & it's normal to feel hurt, betrayed & (boy do I know this one) foolish.

 

Love is not dishonest though so no matter what he SAID he did not love you. A soulmate would not willfully deceive you either, so he was NOT your soulmate.

 

The key here was your VULNERABILITY when u first 'met' online. Predators smell this a mile away. I strongly suspect you are not the only woman he has done this to (hence his well developed grooming technique ie hide the M to get AP unwittingly hooked first)

 

Chalk the whole episode up to experience & be strong by going into NC for good with him (with or without final email first as u see fit). Remember, he did it WITH you, so he will do it TO you.

 

There is a REAL soulmate out there somewhere for who really WILL love you. This man merely manipulated you & masqueraded as such for his own selfish ends. This may sound harsh & doesnt change how you felt about HIM but is a fact as far as HE is concerned.Good luck with it all.

Edited November 28, 2011 by LilMissMovinOn

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:

 

See why some women go crazy and kill men, smh. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. One of the first things you do is start a relationship is tangible. That is how you truly get to know people. Anything that is not out in open will die from lack of sunshine. Both of you made a mistake. The only difference is you hopefully will learn from this. That’s all life is really. You seem to be holding yourself together and that’s a plus. Accept it for what it is and be grateful that this affair was not stretched out for years. No one deserves to be treated badly. Keep your chin up think positive thoughts and don’t be pulled in another relationship like this again. Have your list of requirements and stick to it. No more half-assed relationships. I wish you the best.