4givrnt4gtr Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 ughhhh UUUGGGHHHHH So its been three weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years...it was a rough thing to do....I love him...I REALLY do...but I think i love him more than he loves himself. Ive begged him to go to a therapist for ongoing depression that has caused a lot of problems in his life...which included drug addiction as a teen/young adult. At this point he is doing better than during those dark days but I always feared that without proper care to get thru the trauma of living with a mentally ill mother and losing his father at a difficult time would eventually lead him to go back to drugs. He always assured me he wouldnt, that all that was almost 10 years ago...but then I found out he has been smoking weed for the past month behind my back and denied it when I found out. I know that weed isn't exactly the same as hard drugs...but with his history...its just not good. I asked him, begged him, to stop, to go to therapy for the stress he said he was dealing with and for which he needed to use weed for...but he wouldnt....so I made my decision and left..... However, we still have to talk because we still have to deal with the apartment we shared....and quite frankly because we love each other. Its so so very hard to let go..... Today as a way to make myself move on and think about something else, I signed up for eharmony. I am not necessarily looking for a relationship....just some distraction, just look at other people and perhaps feel some hope that I just might find someone that Id be a better fit with....but the more i looked the more I miss my ex....his gentleness, his genuineness....ughhh!!! It just frustrated me and made me want to run back to my ex!!!!! This isn't working!!! I feel sad, lonely and depressed....and when I see him i feel angry that he would choose that stupid thing over us......he says he would love to give us another chance, but quite frankly, after all this mess and with all the doubts ive had....its just wouldnt work. I hate where Im at...I hate that this is my decision but I dont want it....I hate that there is NOTHING i can do about it... I dont know how to feel better, my first instinct of looking elsewhere failed miserably...and it really doesnt help that I see this woman whom I knew had a crush on him making her move (even though he says he wants nothing with her).... UGHHH I HATE THIS!! And to top it off....this holiday cheer all around me....good Lord if I don't feel like the Grinch right about now..... God this sucks Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Good for you for having boundaries and sticking to them. I'm on the same page as you as far as illicit substances go. I know you said you signed up as a distraction, but I think it's a little soon for it. Instead of looking outside, look in for happiness and healing. Members of the opposite sex on a dating site is just too close to home after a fresh breakup. Friends, hobbies, books, classes might be a better route. Something where you're not comparing things to your ex, but able to enjoy for no other reason than just participating. Again, the breakup is still recent, so it's going to be rough no matter what. You dictate what follows, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Thanks for your response. I agree its too soon...Im not even midly interested in any of the people there. Plus, its not like I have time to date anyway. Today I went with my ex to get his tattoo he's been meaning to get for a very long time. I had promised Id go with him since we started dating so I went. Hanging out with him makes me feel that maybe..JUUUUST maybe...there is hope. We love being together, we have great time just laughing and joking.....and then, as soon as we walk into his house, the first thing he does is go straight to his room to start smoking weed....right in front of me...knowing how I feel about it. :mad: All the while telling me how much he loves me, how he'd do anything for me, how he will always be there for me !!!! Needless to say I get mad all over again....I get frustrated because i even think there is hope. We are at his mom's house so I just reel it all back and go back to "just friend" mode...he immediately feels it and has the nerve to ask me what happened. I dont want to make a scene so I said nothing, finished the show we were watching and leave. I drove home...angry, crying all the way, angry that I matter so little to him, that he could care less about my feelings... I feel so stupid It doesn't help that my life is sucking bad and there is not much I can do about it. Im a full time doctoral student, meaning my life is basically reading, school, training, rinse and repeat. Even if i wanted to, I have no time to engage in things that make it easier. Ughh this sucks sucks sucks.... Im wondering if I should REALLY cut all ties....stop pretending we're just friends....just really let it go for real this time.... Its so hard but I am getting tired of driving home crying every time we hang out. I hate this. Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Well, the consensus here would be if you're really ready to walk, then cutting contact, while still painful, is the way to go. That choice, ultimately, is up to you. But cutting contact is meant to specifically avoid situations like you've just described. It seems like if you stick around, you're just going to end up hurt. You can get advice on what to do here, but unfortunately we can't tell you how to make it not hurt. Truth is, it's going to. But your well-being trumps the well-being of your relationship. If you're not happy, and it's because of things he does that he knows you don't like, there's no point in suffering through it. You set boundaries, they're not unreasonable, so now you need to decide what matters more. But don't suffer through a relationship for the sake of the perceived suffering of not being in one. If you don't listen to yourself, you'll just wind up unhappy down the road. Unrelated, what are you going to school for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Well, the consensus here would be if you're really ready to walk, then cutting contact, while still painful, is the way to go. That choice, ultimately, is up to you. But cutting contact is meant to specifically avoid situations like you've just described. It seems like if you stick around, you're just going to end up hurt. You can get advice on what to do here, but unfortunately we can't tell you how to make it not hurt. Truth is, it's going to. But your well-being trumps the well-being of your relationship. If you're not happy, and it's because of things he does that he knows you don't like, there's no point in suffering through it. You set boundaries, they're not unreasonable, so now you need to decide what matters more. But don't suffer through a relationship for the sake of the perceived suffering of not being in one. If you don't listen to yourself, you'll just wind up unhappy down the road. Unrelated, what are you going to school for? Hmmm yeah....I know I HAVE to walk...there is too much doubt in my mind about him and the relationship....unfortunately he makes it hard by being way too loyal...my mom puts it as "being a puppy who no matter how many times you kick him, he'll still come back to your feet" (Yeah my mom isn't helping either). Last night we talked about how I felt regarding his use of drugs (again). HE said he thought I didnt want anything with him anymore and didn't care what he did so he didnt think it bothered me when he smoked.... Its confusing (which is another reason why I want to leave...he is REALLY good at twisting things and make it sound like it all was a mistake/misunderstanding) Ugh In any case, if I screw my objective head on tight, I can see this is not good for me or him....regardless of how kind, helpful and understanding he is.....sometimes I feel like Im being played in some weird way, like, he says everything I want to hear and pulls this wonderful considerate man act (I have always felt it was an act for some reason....even though he's been consistently acting for two years) just to get what he wants....maybe Im just paranoid...I dont know. In any case, to answer your question, and ironically enough, Im doing a doctorate in clinical psychology. It actually doesn't help my case because a lot of the things he does/say are very much like one of the disorders we study ad naseum..and in fact other people (included people in this forum) have also mentioned he seems to have the traits of that personality disorder. However, its so hard for me to believe it for some reason.... Oh well.... So yeah, still trying to figure out how to get out of this one....I feel like I somehow checked into Hotel California.... Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 You seem to have your head on straight, you'll be ok. :-D I'll pick you up in my virtual car at 7 for a virtual movie date to keep your mind off things. Keep your virtual hands to yourself though, I'm not that kinda guy. :-P Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 You seem to have your head on straight, you'll be ok. :-D I'll pick you up in my virtual car at 7 for a virtual movie date to keep your mind off things. Keep your virtual hands to yourself though, I'm not that kinda guy. :-P hahaha thanks for the laugh...you seem to be a pretty cool guy. Thanks for the support Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 But seriously, you seem to have thought this out and have made your choice. You're halfway done now. As for the rest, it'll just take time, and when you get sad or lonely, just remember why you did what you have. It's for the best, enjoy you and have fun! You know you can always come here to vent/rant if you need it. You can always PM if you wanna chat, though I know I don't have all the answers. :-P Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 30, 2011 Author Share Posted November 30, 2011 But seriously, you seem to have thought this out and have made your choice. You're halfway done now. As for the rest, it'll just take time, and when you get sad or lonely, just remember why you did what you have. It's for the best, enjoy you and have fun! You know you can always come here to vent/rant if you need it. You can always PM if you wanna chat, though I know I don't have all the answers. :-P Well I am happy to report that everything seems to be done now...we were finally able to turn in the apartment we shared so we have nothing left to say...and you could feel it as we walked away from the apartment. Suddendly the warmth that was there not two days ago is gone....I had planned to tell him we had to stop seeing each other, but apparently something I said last time we talked made him make that choice himself.....interesting. As I drove away and we literally went on our separate ways I felt a sudden sense of finality....it is truly over.... wow... So now Im waiting to see how Im going to react emotionally...so far Im kinda numb...kinda sad...ish....and kinda....relieved...mostly relieved and at peace....I guess it was the right decision. Thanks for the support, once again! It means a lot....even if you dont have answers...at the very least you seem to be able to make me laugh, and thats huge at this point! Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 4give, Listen I know that everyone will bash this guy I know everyone of my ex's friends family bashed me. (I never finished school so I am a loser I guess) but deep down I never did anything but love my ex never looked at another girl bent over backward for her was kind tender gentle pretty much perfect except for not making enough money. So I am gonna stick up for him. This guy seems to have been through hell and back and still managed to be kind and gentle to you. As a person in the field you are in you know that there is pretty much nothing wrong with weed(I have never done it ever) Maybe this guy needs it to cope and will grow out of it at some point. Its just weed really. Think about how this guy treats you, how much he loves you. Is he really kind and tender? Loving? You seem to be madly in love with him, I know my ex was with me and everyone talked her out of me. So I am gonna be devils advocate and tell you that you need to really think about this, think about him with another girl! Then think about him with another girl and won't take you back if you eventually can't handle it and want him. I wish someone had stuck up for me when everyone was bashing me because she was the love of my life. I met someone new and she did way too much damage to go back. ie. she went on eharmony lol seriously. It made me feel like I meant nothing to her crushed me. Ok you know where I stand don't let this guy get away cause he seems like one of the good ones. NO ONE is perfect, look at the abusive cheating rotten controlling guys out there there really aren't many good ones. I say give him a chance its just weed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 1, 2011 Author Share Posted December 1, 2011 (edited) 4give, Listen I know that everyone will bash this guy I know everyone of my ex's friends family bashed me. (I never finished school so I am a loser I guess) but deep down I never did anything but love my ex never looked at another girl bent over backward for her was kind tender gentle pretty much perfect except for not making enough money. Im sorry her family is so materialistic! thats not right!! So I am gonna stick up for him. This guy seems to have been through hell and back and still managed to be kind and gentle to you. Yes he was....unfortunately, I have come to understand that love isn't only about what someone does for you...its also about what that person does for himself, how he carries himself in the world, and how he lives his life...Ive also been in that side of the equation. Ive been as kind and helpful as I could be, and when I was dumped I wonder why...given how good I was to him...it wasn't until later (being on THIS side of the equation), that all the niceness in the world can't compensate for not having a strong sense of who I was and what I stood for. I became a doormat for that particular ex and that was SUCH turn off for him...i never understood that until I started to date the most recent ex, who would ignore his needs and desires in order to fit whatever he thought i wanted. Not only that, but he also did nothing to get himself better, (as he suffers from deep depression and anxiety), and instead used illegal drugs to cope. As a person in the field you are in you know that there is pretty much nothing wrong with weed(I have never done it ever) Actually, excessive use of weed decreases the ability to process information at a normal speed, even when you're not using it at the moment...but thats neither here nor there...my point is that I don't want this in my life now, much less when we have children. This was my main point in the whole situation....for some reason he said he couldn't promise me he would stop using, so I had to make that decision. Maybe this guy needs it to cope and will grow out of it at some point. Its just weed really. Think about how this guy treats you, how much he loves you. Is he really kind and tender? Loving? You seem to be madly in love with him, I know my ex was with me and everyone talked her out of me. So I am gonna be devils advocate and tell you that you need to really think about this, think about him with another girl! Then think about him with another girl and won't take you back if you eventually can't handle it and want him. I wish someone had stuck up for me when everyone was bashing me because she was the love of my life. I met someone new and she did way too much damage to go back. ie. she went on eharmony lol seriously. It made me feel like I meant nothing to her crushed me. Ok you know where I stand don't let this guy get away cause he seems like one of the good ones. NO ONE is perfect, look at the abusive cheating rotten controlling guys out there there really aren't many good ones. I say give him a chance its just weed. I really appreciate your input...it sounds like you wish someone had told your ex what you're telling me about mine. I understand that. Unfortunately there is much much more than weed that made me make that decision. Actually, most people make the decision to break up with someone based on many issues that come to a head by one seemingly unimportant detail. However, thinking more about it, even if it IS just weed, and that is something I have decided long before I even met him that this was something I would not tolerate, it would be foolish of me to give this value up. I actually thought about it...and didnt even last a day...I HATED seeing him high and quite frankly, it grossed me out when he looked totally off, smelling horrible and knowing he is doing something really stupid. Not to mention the constant thought that he could care less about my feelings given his smoking in front of me knowing very well that I hate it....basically I knew that had I not ended it then I would just end up resentful and nagging him every single time he did it...eventually the relationship would end anyway. Thanks for the advice, but quite frankly, and removing the feelings out of it, I think I made the right decision leaving..... Edited December 1, 2011 by 4givrnt4gtr Link to post Share on other sites
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