A question to the ladies out there...

[sadpanda87]

do girls have a switch in their minds with regards to relationships?

 

it seemed to me that my.. ex now simply switched from 'in love' to 'have no feelings for you' over night. is there a point where you simply decide the relationship is over, and no matter how hard the guy tries... its over?

[Sugarkane]

I could ask you exactly the same question about guys. I'm usually in the same position most of the time. I got dumped out of the blue, but I'm the woman. Most of the time I'm the one putting the effort in and the guy isn't. Why is that?

[Sugarkane]

Why can't guys date someone more than 6 months? I like to call them 6 month guys.

[sadpanda87]

all my relationships so far have been over 3 years... im the serious kind of guy. and no, i dont have a switch like that. this question is due to the fact my ex - whom i was with for 4 yrs decided within two weeks of moving away for work that she no longer loved me. and a month before that we were talking about plans for the future, marriage etc... and a few days before the break up she still seemed to be fine about us.

Edited November 27, 2011 by sadpanda87

[Kamila]

It's a protection switch from my experience. I happened like you said overnight with me.

You just don't fall out of love with someone.

You just make a balance of the relationship and see if you're moving somewhere.

If the guy isn't committing himself to you (living together, marriage, ...), then what's the point in pursuing the relationship any further ?

It's a very cruel decision to make, but necessary to protect your heart.

If your guy hasn't got your back or wants something else, or doesn't make you a priority, then it's time to GO.

Why stay if you're thin air for him ??

 

But like you said in your post, you would like to rekindle with this girl.

Well ask her what she wants, how does she see a future with you ? What are her goals ? And do they match with yours ?

You can win a girl over. That's for sure.

My ex-bf could do that (although I doubt highly that he will ever...) by simply saying he would like to live with me and make compromises where needed.

And also that he loves me and can't live without me and couldn't see himself with anyone else. Would you like to take this journey with me ?

 

The base of a relationship is love. But just like a flame, you need to keep fueling it. Keep the love alive.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Hmm Ive been accused of what you describe here...

 

And no, there is no switch...its more like...well at least in my case...in order to function I had to put all the reasons why I had to leave (which were gather over the entire length of the 2 year relationship) in the front of my mind, as I was going through the process of the break up. From the outside, I looked cold and like every move was calculated, and to some extend it was...but it wasn't that I stopped loving my ex...i just had to focus on the bad to keep moving forward with a tough decision.

From experience and from research on relationships (seriously, look it up. TONS of research on this), women dont make a decision to break up overnight...its a lengthy, and very painful process...which most men are not even aware of. Usually, when the woman makes the final decision it might look like it was out of nowhere and/or because of something insignificant, but usually, that seemingly insignificant thing was the drop that overflows the cup....

SO..to answer your second question about getting back a girl....

 

Depends...

 

Depends if she wants to talk to you about why she made this decision...what, during the lenght of the relationship, she found difficult to bear....

Now if there is something like..."well, I dont like how we argue"....then you got a shot....because you can work on that...

But if its something like "well, I just dont like you" or something like that...then...well no.

 

Basically...if its something outside of who you are as a person...you got a chance...if its something about your personality....then no....(and I strongly advice you to not try to change yourself for anyone!!! it does not work!!!)

 

Good luck....and remember if she doesn't like who you are, there is someone out there who will!!!!

[sadpanda87]

the reasons of fights or whatever may have been our habits and personalities clashes from time to time... can that be helped?

[69ways]

I could ask you exactly the same question about guys. I'm usually in the same position most of the time. I got dumped out of the blue, but I'm the woman. Most of the time I'm the one putting the effort in and the guy isn't. Why is that?

 

My ex when overnight to : I am the happiest woman int he world that I am getting married to you, to I feel cold inside me, you dropped me like a stone.

 

All this was because of an argument believe it or not.

 

I was committed and willing to move to her country to be with her, even gave her a 3000 usd ring.

 

I said you are the love of my life, the missing gear....

 

Even on her bd i travelled for 5 hrs to give flowers, just to be called egoistic and was there to create trouble on her bd........

 

10 months after the break up she calls to see if i got a gf and tell me she will not find a better guy.....WTF?

 

We all know women are hormone driven engines.

 

The emotional instability of women is well known and documented.

 

You get your period, you change

 

You get pregnant, you change

 

You give birth, you change.

 

 

Is not your fault off course that nature has given you such a complex hormonal system but heh, we are the ones who drag all the moaning and instability.

 

I agree , some men are unstable also but the majority are not, they just see in women qualities that they cant handle and get driven away.

 

Is all very confusing for us to understand what you want when you change from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde (see female version).

 

 

Actually on this site there are more heartbroken men than women and the sad part is that we all wanted to make those ex gf happy and express our love and and devotion , so I quote a recent publish paper from the HCHS:

 

It’s the wife who files for divorce in about two-thirds of divorce cases, at least among couples who have children. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the proportion has changed slightly over the years; for example, in 1975, approximately 72 percent of the divorces in the U.S. were filed by women, whereas by 1988, only about 65 percent were filed by women.

 

Yes there is an improvement as I see and maybe one day it will be 50-50 but at the moment , is the female gender that divorces men.

 

Do I really need to say more................?

Edited November 28, 2011 by 69ways

[sadpanda87]

heh. cant live with em cant live without. story of my life. i just wanted to find the one person that makes me whole and share my life with, is that too much to ask.

[YouNeverKnow86]

Is it possible for female dumpers to say they are over you and no longer have feelings for you but in all actuality not be telling the truth? On the outside they seem fine (give you the perception) but when they are at home they do think of you time to time. I just feel like it doesn't make sense that they appear to totally lose feelings for you overnight. I do believe the cold/distant thing is a defense mechanism. Others take?

[69ways]

Is it possible for female dumpers to say they are over you and no longer have feelings for you but in all actuality not be telling the truth? On the outside they seem fine (give you the perception) but when they are at home they do think of you time to time. I just feel like it doesn't make sense that they appear to totally lose feelings for you overnight. I do believe the cold/distant thing is a defense mechanism. Others take?

 

I agree with the defense mech. but this is where they mess up.

 

 

The reaction is usually unjustified and the reasons that might have led to a spontaneous importand decision (see break up) , are not the ones stated by them.

 

They usually react based on how they feel at the moment , without thinking about the short or long term impact it will have on life.

 

 

Girls usually dont get marry to the man of their life or they loose him because of these reactions which usually , I personally believe have to do with internal personal issues and not really with the realationship.

 

They tend to believe:I cant do better than him.

 

Can you? Really can you, or is this guy the best it can get.

 

This is where the mechanism backfires and blinds them believing is the realationship's fault.

 

We all know women have terrible self confidence, unless they are Russians, lol which they are arrogant.

This , together with hormonal instability leads to rushed and wrong life impact decisions.

 

Yes the relationship might have sparked the reaction but usually the issues between the couple are not something not sorted out if both want.

 

My ex had depression, instead of coming to me for help, she exploded on me.

 

Result?

 

Everything got messed up and now she says:I should have asked for your help but she is too damn proud to say I want you back.

 

 

Everything I say , are based on personal experiences and personal opinions....

 

I dont put all women in one box as men can be messed up also BUT this is the majority in my opinion.

[YouNeverKnow86]

I agree with the defense mech. but this is where they mess up.

 

 

The reaction is usually unjustified and the reasons that might have led to a spontaneous importand decision (see break up) , are not the ones stated by them.

 

They usually react based on how they feel at the moment , without thinking about the short or long term impact it will have on life.

 

 

Girls usually dont get marry to the man of their life or they loose him because of these reactions which usually , I personally believe have to do with internal personal issues and not really with the realationship.

 

They tend to believe:I cant do better than him.

 

Can you? Really can you, or is this guy the best it can get.

 

This is where the mechanism backfires and blinds them believing is the realationship's fault.

 

We all know women have terrible self confidence, unless they are Russians, lol which they are arrogant.

This , together with hormonal instability leads to rushed and wrong life impact decisions.

 

Yes the relationship might have sparked the reaction but usually the issues between the couple are not something not sorted out if both want.

 

My ex had depression, instead of coming to me for help, she exploded on me.

 

Result?

 

Everything got messed up and now she says:I should have asked for your help but she is too damn proud to say I want you back.

 

 

Everything I say , are based on personal experiences and personal opinions....

 

I dont put all women in one box as men can be messed up also BUT this is the majority in my opinion.

 

I agree, I think a lot of it has to do with personal issues. Especially in short term relationships (love and run type of deal). I think many girls are scarred from past relationships and are depressed. Two weeks before she broke up with me out of nowhere my ex suddenly started falling asleep more around me and just looked drained. She blamed it on her summer job she just started but was she depressed? One time I caught her upstairs digging through her kitchen cabinet (her body was half way out of it). Was she digging for a late night snack or sweets? She would disappear to get me a drink or something for a decent amount of time and the one time I went upstairs I saw her doing this. Also the fact it took her over a year to get over her ex boyfriend to me was a red flag. Maybe she was dealing with personal demons.......I have no clue. Also one time during our post breakup arguments she said this: "you know what, I am a bitch." This is a girl that put up such a nice front too me and seemed she would never hurt a fly but admitted to me she was a "bitch" out of nowhere. So confusing.

[69ways]

I agree, I think a lot of it has to do with personal issues. Especially in short term relationships (love and run type of deal). I think many girls are scarred from past relationships and are depressed. Two weeks before she broke up with me out of nowhere my ex suddenly started falling asleep more around me and just looked drained. She blamed it on her summer job she just started but was she depressed? One time I caught her upstairs digging through her kitchen cabinet (her body was half way out of it). Was she digging for a late night snack or sweets? She would disappear to get me a drink or something for a decent amount of time and the one time I went upstairs I saw her doing this. Also the fact it took her over a year to get over her ex boyfriend to me was a red flag. Maybe she was dealing with personal demons.......I have no clue. Also one time during our post breakup arguments she said this: "you know what, I am a bitch." This is a girl that put up such a nice front too me and seemed she would never hurt a fly but admitted to me she was a "bitch" out of nowhere. So confusing.

 

Sounds like depression and self hatred but if she had asked for ur help, i bet you would had been there.

 

This is the irony , that we could help them but instead they drive us away.

[YouNeverKnow86]

Sounds like depression and self hatred but if she had asked for ur help, i bet you would had been there.

 

This is the irony , that we could help them but instead they drive us away.

 

69,

 

No clue what her deal is. All I know is that supposedly "after" the breakup her ex boyfriend contacted her (they haven't spoke in 2 years). I just don't think it is coincidence this happened, I firmly believe it happened before we broke up. Did his call trigger her so called depression and question her feelings for me. Right after the breakup she said some weird things such as: "I should be head over heels for you but I am not", "you are currently in a better place then I am (have a job & done with school)".....She then went cold but would chat on the phone. Stated "I am really going to miss you"......I don't know. She just changed into this person I never thought was possible. From a sweetheart to this so called "bitch" as she called herself.

[ladyravenloft]

I could ask you exactly the same question about guys. I'm usually in the same position most of the time. I got dumped out of the blue, but I'm the woman. Most of the time I'm the one putting the effort in and the guy isn't. Why is that?

 

Ditto. Completely blindsided and not heard a word since. I think it's more due to immaturity and lack of sensitivity than gender.

[4givrnt4gtr]

the reasons of fights or whatever may have been our habits and personalities clashes from time to time... can that be helped?

 

What do you mean by habits? Habits as in leave dirty clothes everywhere habits? or drink bottles of alcohol every day habits....cuz if its the former, then yes...ofcourse there is a chance...as long as both of you are ready and willing to compromise, or you are ready and willing to do whatever she needs without feeling you are having to change a core aspect of yourself.

If its the latter (as in more serious habits which may be damaging) yes I think there is still a chance, provided you are 100% committed to stop those habits.....but thats not going to be as easy as say remember to pick up your dirty clothes, so not only you have to be committed to change those serious bad habits but also willing to do what it takes to the root of whatever is creating those bad habits.

 

Now personality clashes, those are tougher....especially because she already made the decision that she doesn't like them, and doesn't want to be around that....for instance if you are introverted and she is a party girl, she might have been able to stay at home with you for however long you were together, but after a while, she might have realized that what she thoughts wasnt all that important, it is...and very (otherwise she wouldn't have broken up with you). This is why I said that if there is something about your personality that she doesn't like (and that you either dont mind or actually like) then its pretty much a good time to cut your losses and move onto someone who likes ALL of you......

 

Another thing....

 

I saw in a latter post that you are looking for someone who can make you whole.....quite frankly, that may be why she left....NO ONE can make you whole...and if you come at a girl with that expectation, she might do one of two things...1) Run the other way. 2) Be flattered that you think she can do all that for you, give it a shot and realize that its a HUGE responsibility to be someone else's half....or whatever percentage you want her to be. Most healthy people want a companion, not someone they need to make whole. Trust me on this one. THis is one of the reasons I left my ex....its a huge responsibility, and its draining. Even when you say it to be romantic, it still feels heavy.

My recommendation to you is to work on feeling healthy and whole on your own...once you feel like you dont NEED anyone to be happy THEN you can go on to try to find a woman who can share on your happiness....think about it...what would feel better, two people who are half happy/half whole? or two people who are fully happy come together...happiness becomes twofold!!! go for that

[sadpanda87]

wise words 4giv... i understand the logic and the reasoning but i guess its getting over the emotional part that will be difficult.

 

in terms of habit its more about the way we communicate, show affection and/or consideration. sometimes it is misinterpreted and have adverse effects.

 

im just a social drinker and i dont smoke, i dont abuse my girl... if thats what you were wondering. forgetful sometimes but im working on that. we were quite similar in regards to the party vs introvert question.

 

i wish i knew why she's doing this, then i'd know what to do. anyone psychic here...

[69ways]

What do you mean by habits? Habits as in leave dirty clothes everywhere habits? or drink bottles of alcohol every day habits....cuz if its the former, then yes...ofcourse there is a chance...as long as both of you are ready and willing to compromise, or you are ready and willing to do whatever she needs without feeling you are having to change a core aspect of yourself.

If its the latter (as in more serious habits which may be damaging) yes I think there is still a chance, provided you are 100% committed to stop those habits.....but thats not going to be as easy as say remember to pick up your dirty clothes, so not only you have to be committed to change those serious bad habits but also willing to do what it takes to the root of whatever is creating those bad habits.

 

Now personality clashes, those are tougher....especially because she already made the decision that she doesn't like them, and doesn't want to be around that....for instance if you are introverted and she is a party girl, she might have been able to stay at home with you for however long you were together, but after a while, she might have realized that what she thoughts wasnt all that important, it is...and very (otherwise she wouldn't have broken up with you). This is why I said that if there is something about your personality that she doesn't like (and that you either dont mind or actually like) then its pretty much a good time to cut your losses and move onto someone who likes ALL of you......

 

Another thing....

 

I saw in a latter post that you are looking for someone who can make you whole.....quite frankly, that may be why she left....NO ONE can make you whole...and if you come at a girl with that expectation, she might do one of two things...1) Run the other way. 2) Be flattered that you think she can do all that for you, give it a shot and realize that its a HUGE responsibility to be someone else's half....or whatever percentage you want her to be. Most healthy people want a companion, not someone they need to make whole. Trust me on this one. THis is one of the reasons I left my ex....its a huge responsibility, and its draining. Even when you say it to be romantic, it still feels heavy.

My recommendation to you is to work on feeling healthy and whole on your own...once you feel like you dont NEED anyone to be happy THEN you can go on to try to find a woman who can share on your happiness....think about it...what would feel better, two people who are half happy/half whole? or two people who are fully happy come together...happiness becomes twofold!!! go for that

 

When I hear people saying to be happy , I get confused.

No one in this world and I challenge anyone to tell me they have always been happy.

There is not such a situation of been happy.

Sometimes you are happy , sometimes you are not.

The main point is to feel comfortable and satisfied.

That, does not translate to been happy.

 

I am also against the idea that we need others to be happy also, as correctly you mentioned as I dont believe in the happy state of mind as you realised but we need our partner to assist us to feel secure from our fears and inner issues. and also to be next to us as been together with someone , its a coop against the issues if life

Thats what women mean when they are looking for :Secure or I can count on you which equals to: When I feel like S... , please lift my self confidence.

[69ways]

69,

 

No clue what her deal is. All I know is that supposedly "after" the breakup her ex boyfriend contacted her (they haven't spoke in 2 years). I just don't think it is coincidence this happened, I firmly believe it happened before we broke up. Did his call trigger her so called depression and question her feelings for me. Right after the breakup she said some weird things such as: "I should be head over heels for you but I am not", "you are currently in a better place then I am (have a job & done with school)".....She then went cold but would chat on the phone. Stated "I am really going to miss you"......I don't know. She just changed into this person I never thought was possible. From a sweetheart to this so called "bitch" as she called herself.

Spitting the beans early and giving us all the details will help us to also help you.

Yes you are right, she had her eye on him from before and all the reactions have been caused by her guilty consciousness

[davesterr]

It's weird how the person you love can suddenly change over a day into a complete stranger.

And like a complete stranger have no feelings towards you whatsoever no matter what you do or how hard you try.

My ex girlfriend also started calling herself names.

In a way its a weird behavior.

Why would they call themselves a bitch or a whore if they are in control of their own actions?

I always thought if you dont like it then dont be that way.

But i learned that that's what they chose for.

They rather be whatever they call themselves than to be with you.

 

In my case i still find it hard and i still struggle everyday.

Like most of us on here i wonder: Can a dumpee ever get back with the dumper?

Even if he already tried everything in the world that exists to get her back?

In the end only time has an answer to that which im not gonna wait for.

However i wonder: Even if i could get back together which is the only thing i really want in life.

Do i want to really?

Because the girl i fell in love with no longer exist.

She changed overnight just like that without me ever hurting her.

It's a weird yet sad concept but in a way it makes me feel less attached to her knowing she changed in a complete different person.

Then again it might just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Because i know if i had the chance i would do whatever it takes to bring back the girl i once loved knowing shes still inside her somewhere.

 

Sorry for typing all this weird stuff.

It's another one of those mornings where you wake up and the first thing you think about and can't stop thinking about is the one thing you don't want to think about most. I need to get my mind off things.

 

Ps: To answer the topic starters question though.

I think there isn't a real switch that can turn off true love.

I just think there was never any true love from the other side to begin with.

And for whatever reason they just stop caring to favor themselves.

If it's true love then even if you ended it yourself you would go crazy witout the other person.

If the other person isn't heart broken and just moves on in life like it never happened then im pretty sure there wasn't real love to begin with from their side.

[69ways]

It's weird how the person you love can suddenly change over a day into a complete stranger.

And like a complete stranger have no feelings towards you whatsoever no matter what you do or how hard you try.

My ex girlfriend also started calling herself names.

In a way its a weird behavior.

Why would they call themselves a bitch or a whore if they are in control of their own actions?

I always thought if you dont like it then dont be that way.

But i learned that that's what they chose for.

They rather be whatever they call themselves than to be with you.

 

In my case i still find it hard and i still struggle everyday.

Like most of us on here i wonder: Can a dumpee ever get back with the dumper?

Even if he already tried everything in the world that exists to get her back?

In the end only time has an answer to that which im not gonna wait for.

However i wonder: Even if i could get back together which is the only thing i really want in life.

Do i want to really?

Because the girl i fell in love with no longer exist.

She changed overnight just like that without me ever hurting her.

It's a weird yet sad concept but in a way it makes me feel less attached to her knowing she changed in a complete different person.

Then again it might just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Because i know if i had the chance i would do whatever it takes to bring back the girl i once loved knowing shes still inside her somewhere.

 

Sorry for typing all this weird stuff.

It's another one of those mornings where you wake up and the first thing you think about and can't stop thinking about is the one thing you don't want to think about most. I need to get my mind off things.

 

Ps: To answer the topic starters question though.

I think there isn't a real switch that can turn off true love.

I just think there was never any true love from the other side to begin with.

And for whatever reason they just stop caring to favor themselves.

If it's true love then even if you ended it yourself you would go crazy witout the other person.

If the other person isn't heart broken and just moves on in life like it never happened then im pretty sure there wasn't real love to begin with from their side.

I am big believer of true and unconditional love.

Unfortunately neither my ex or yours felt this way for us unless they are confused....

[sadpanda87]

im not sure if unconditional love exists. i used to believe it but im not sure if it's real anymore, everyone is looking for something .

[davesterr]

I think unconditional is a big word.

But i think true love exists since i am able or atleast used to be able to love that way.

Then again i dont know if mutual true love exists cuz i have never experianced it nor can i talk for anyone else besides myself of being capable of loving that way.

In the end im sure it exists somewhere however the chances of both meeting eachother at the exact same time , at the exact same day and at the exact same place and somehow reaching out to eachother enough to find a way to meet eachother instead of merely seeing eachother that both like eachother enough who are both capable of mutual true love and willing to risk it and give eachother both their entire hearts is pretty close to non existence if u ask me.

Edited November 29, 2011 by davesterr

[69ways]

im not sure if unconditional love exists. i used to believe it but im not sure if it's real anymore, everyone is looking for something .

It existed on my part.

[YouNeverKnow86]

It's weird how the person you love can suddenly change over a day into a complete stranger.

And like a complete stranger have no feelings towards you whatsoever no matter what you do or how hard you try.

My ex girlfriend also started calling herself names.

In a way its a weird behavior.

Why would they call themselves a bitch or a whore if they are in control of their own actions?

I always thought if you dont like it then dont be that way.

But i learned that that's what they chose for.

They rather be whatever they call themselves than to be with you.

 

In my case i still find it hard and i still struggle everyday.

Like most of us on here i wonder: Can a dumpee ever get back with the dumper?

Even if he already tried everything in the world that exists to get her back?

In the end only time has an answer to that which im not gonna wait for.

However i wonder: Even if i could get back together which is the only thing i really want in life.

Do i want to really?

Because the girl i fell in love with no longer exist.

She changed overnight just like that without me ever hurting her.

It's a weird yet sad concept but in a way it makes me feel less attached to her knowing she changed in a complete different person.

Then again it might just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Because i know if i had the chance i would do whatever it takes to bring back the girl i once loved knowing shes still inside her somewhere.

 

Sorry for typing all this weird stuff.

It's another one of those mornings where you wake up and the first thing you think about and can't stop thinking about is the one thing you don't want to think about most. I need to get my mind off things.

 

Ps: To answer the topic starters question though.

I think there isn't a real switch that can turn off true love.

I just think there was never any true love from the other side to begin with.

And for whatever reason they just stop caring to favor themselves.

If it's true love then even if you ended it yourself you would go crazy witout the other person.

If the other person isn't heart broken and just moves on in life like it never happened then im pretty sure there wasn't real love to begin with from their side.

 

You got the whole name calling thing too? These girls are unreal