What would you do if a girl kept calling your boyfriend?

[LoveStrung555]

If your bf's ex kept calling his phone a lot of times and you had his phone and saw her calling, what would do? Wouldn't you answer it and tell her to stop calling your man?

 

Also what would you think if your boyfriend said he didn't want you to answer the phone or say anything to the girl? Would you find that kind of suspicious? Why wouldn't he want you to defend what's your's?

[in_absentia]

I'd allow him to take/screen his own calls if a girl, or his ex, kept calling him what seemed like an excessive amount I'd wonder why, so I'd discuss it with him. I definitely wouldn't answer his phone or tell anybody to back away, it's his choice who he speaks to and how frequently he speaks to them, and part of being in a great and healthy relationship is that each partner should act with respect to the relationship of their own accord, not because they are being controlled by their partner butting in!

[Jam3s]

It is a difficult one to feel comfortable with and it comes down to trusting your partner and his reasoning for taking her calls and messages. My gf spends a lot of time with a past ex (who has openly told her he still has feelings for her) but she says she has set it straight with him that there is nothing more but a friendship there and I just have to accept and trust that she will only be friends with him and not succumb to his advances. At the same time if you sense something suspicious going on then you have a right to find out because you don't deserve to be played and getting hurt either.

[in_absentia]

It is a difficult one to feel comfortable with and it comes down to trusting your partner and his reasoning for taking her calls and messages. My gf spends a lot of time with a past ex (who has openly told her he still has feelings for her) but she says she has set it straight with him that there is nothing more but a friendship there and I just have to accept and trust that she will only be friends with him and not succumb to his advances. At the same time if you sense something suspicious going on then you have a right to find out because you don't deserve to be played and getting hurt either.

 

Seems a bit suspicious to me to be honest. I know some exes can be friends, but those kind of friendships usually only work if they don't spend TONNES of time together, but restrict it to a more healthy amount (especially if one is in a relationship) and THERE ARE NO FEELINGS LEFT! I wonder why your gf gets so much out of this friendship even though she knows that her ex still has feelings. Do you think it's attention? I would have thought if she truly cared for the guy she'd limit or cut contact somewhat to protect him, as spending lots of time with an ex you're still smitten with is going to be nothing but painful. Gotta say I wouldn't be tolerating that personally, but that's just me. Hope you don't think I'm outta line here or attacking you/her!

[RiverRunning]

His ex is calling him at all (and they don't share children together)? Her or me. That's about as simple as it gets. Especially if she's constantly calling and he's trying to insulate her or 'protect' her little feeeeeeelings. That shows a lack of consideration for you and it shows that he's elevated her above you. She is more important to him than you are.

 

I went through something similar...only much more severe. He really shaped up when he realized that all of his stuff was sitting in garbage bags on the living room floor, and I was about to walk out a single woman. He never did any of that crap again. He knows that if he does, he won't even have a chance to explain himself - he will be single. And at almost 30, I think he realizes that the dating pool is getting smaller and he can't play Casanova with his ex-girlfriends.

 

This is on your boyfriend. The ex isn't a bad person, I'm sure, but she continues because your boyfriend allows it and responds to it. So it's time for a cheery chat that consists of something like, "I'm not comfortable with you being in contact with your ex/not comfortable with her calling you more than once a month/etc. I realize that you are free to make your own choices, but I can't be in a relationship with someone doing that. I'm sorry."

 

If he continues, leave. If he doesn't, give him a pat on the back and continue to encourage that behavior.

[RiverRunning]

But I agree, confronting the ex or answering his phone calls is excessive. It makes you look psychotic and it's not going to keep the ex from calling. If anything, it will drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend. The problem is with him, so you handle the problem with him.

 

I never have spoken to my boyfriend's ex, even though she was heavily involved in a lot of our troubles. He was at fault, not her.

[Jam3s]

Seems a bit suspicious to me to be honest. I know some exes can be friends, but those kind of friendships usually only work if they don't spend TONNES of time together, but restrict it to a more healthy amount (especially if one is in a relationship) and THERE ARE NO FEELINGS LEFT! I wonder why your gf gets so much out of this friendship even though she knows that her ex still has feelings. Do you think it's attention? I would have thought if she truly cared for the guy she'd limit or cut contact somewhat to protect him, as spending lots of time with an ex you're still smitten with is going to be nothing but painful. Gotta say I wouldn't be tolerating that personally, but that's just me. Hope you don't think I'm outta line here or attacking you/her!

Well they dated a good 4 years ago and have been best friends ever since (she has also dated since then with other guys). So she sees it as a close and important friendship to her but in my opinion he still sees her as a potential partner but she assures me she has set it straight with him and has no romantic feelings for him anymore and I do believe her when she tells me that. I told her that if he makes a move on her then I will step in however since that would only show a lack of respect for her after she made it clear where they stand and it also shows a complete lack of respect for me which I will not stand.

[RiverRunning]

Well they dated a good 4 years ago and have been best friends ever since (she has also dated since then with other guys). So she sees it as a close and important friendship to her but in my opinion he still sees her as a potential partner but she assures me she has set it straight with him and has no romantic feelings for him anymore and I do believe her when she tells me that. I told her that if he makes a move on her then I will step in however since that would only show a lack of respect for her after she made it clear where they stand and it also shows a complete lack of respect for me which I will not stand.

 

 

 

It's time for you to go, Jam3s. I know you were probably hoping for an optimistic situation, but you have your answer. He's hung up on his ex. He would be with her IF she were available and IF she were willing. And who knows if he has other close friendships like that with other women - women he keeps an eye out on but he can't be with them if they're paired up. Exes who have any traces of feelings for each other shouldn't be in contact - period. Because innocent people like you who are just looking for someone to love wind up as the third wheel in somebody else's under-the-radar love drama.

 

I don't fully believe the ex either. Obviously you would probably know better than anybody, next to the ex herself. But WHY is she keeping this 'friendship' alive - doesn't she have other friends who could fill the voids your boyfriend does, only she could find those friendships in people who AREN'T exes? She knows that by continuing to talk to him, she is feeding into his feelings. You cannot continue a friendship with someone and pretend he's going to get the hint and his feelings will magically disappear because she says, "I'm not into you like that." The longer she talks to him, the more she reinforces his feelings - he is probably thinking that she'll someday come around and start dating him again.

 

I think it would be best for your mental health to move out of this situation. She is getting something out of her friendship with him. I have been in a somewhat similar situation in the past. I was talking to someone I knew had feelings for me. It wasn't until it hit the fan that I realized that I was still talking to him because I LIKED the flattery and the attention he gave me. I liked that he was filling a void that was missing in my relationship, even though I knew I didn't have romantic feelings for him. But I too ran under the cover of, "He's just my friend and I'm not interested, so it's okay." But by continuing to talk to him, I was giving him hope that I would someday split with my boyfriend and start dating him, even when I was upfront and honest about my intentions in our friendship.