I was an OW but had no clue! :(

[LilMissMovinOn]

You stay strong!! Keep on ignoring him..

 

But, what you really need to do now is change your email address. Yes it's a pain in the butt, transferring all your contacts, and letting them know about a new email address..It'll be worth it because then you won't EVER hear from him again.

 

He was fishing. What's this sh.t about him wanting to talk to you, to clarify 'friendship' or whatever the f he wanted to say.. Who cares!

 

Blocking him isn't working for some reason as his emails are still getting through. So, please, change your email address. for your own sanity!

 

 

Starting this reply over after the last (quite lengthy) was eaten up in cyber space.

 

Thanks for this suggestion whichwayisup. It seems the obvious solution but is one of only last resort for me due to complications re changing email (not just transfering contacts). I got another message last night. Just a few lines saying not to contact him after all, goodbye and wishing me 'luck'. I didnt reply. This means as far as he knows I left things on a kindly / compassionate note, and simply blocked him after his previous abusive email. He would know that this is fair enough. Logic tells me this is probably the best way to leave things, (for what it's worth), in terms of protecting myself from his (glaringly obvious - yikes!) vindictive streak. I get to be the 'good guy' (which I mostly was all along anyway), and he gets what he should have gotten from the outset, which is to no longer be in my life in any way (something which he would also know is reasonable, all things considered).

 

He still doesn't realise my email block function isnt working. Ideally things will stay this way as then I wont need to change my email addy (I'm expecting maybe a couple more emails down the track but if I keep not replying I know he will eventually give up). Hopefully knowing I will have to change email addy's if I dont maintain N.C will help to spur me to maintain this. I hope so. I changed my cell phone number twice already because of him (the first a failed N/C attempt) and I don't intend to go through the same thing all over again with my email addy.

 

I allowed the latest email to sit in my inbox overnight. I've transferred it to my keep box so I dont have to see it. It was attached to the previous email with his number in it below (I don't have / know this otherwise). I'm feeling confused. This is his first attempt at genuine communication (to the extent that this is at all possible, with a person whose past dishonesty has to be experienced to be believed), with me since D-day. Accusing me of telling lies about him sounds ominous, and I don't know what he means by this. I fear finding out as he is incredibly dishonest and is the type of person who would argue black and blue with an eskimo even, that the color of snow is pink!

 

I don't know what to do other than maintain N.C. So for now I am doing nothing... although I note that by not deleting the latest email (I think this is because it has his number in it) I am yet to fully let go. It makes to feel powerful for a change that after feeling so powerless in terms of being at the mercy of his emotional abuse for such a long time, that finally, I am now the one who is in the 'one-up' position. I have a contact number for him and he doesnt have any for me. He thinks his emails are blocked but (unfortunately) I still get them meaning I have tabs on where his head is at whilst he knows nothing further about me. Maybe I just need to sit on why I'm not fully letting go for now. I suspect it's because we never had a closure discussion with each other after D-day. Before receiving these emails I had managed to finally find this for myself, on my own. Now I'm not so sure. There is a crack in my closure. How dare he want me to give HIM some sort of closure now (although I suspect he seeks re-involvement on HIS TERMS rather than closure), at his beck and call after all this time, when he cruelly denied me the very same thing, over and over again, on my many repeated previous (failed) attempts to maintain NC. On the other hand, I was taught as a child that two wrongs don't make a right.

 

What to do ? Thoughts anyone?

Edited January 7, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[LilMissMovinOn]

ok then. I will give myself some advice....

 

~standing with a lounspeaker directed toward my own ear~

 

GET RID OF THT EMAIL!! I DON'T NEED THE NUMBER OF SUCH A HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL PERSON ANYWHERE NEAR ME! THAT IDIOT HAS DONE MORE THAN ENOUGH HARM ALREADY. ANYMORE WHICH HAPPENS WOULD MERELY BE MY OWN DOING BY PLACING MYSELF IN HARMS WAY!!

 

~clears out half deafened ear~

 

Reply to myself:

 

Ahh ok. Yes of course. What was I even thinking! Good. That's sorted then!!!

 

~heads off to delete dickwad's email & prays like a mofo no more come~

[spice4life]

ok then. I will give myself some advice....

 

~standing with a lounspeaker directed toward my own ear~

 

GET RID OF THT EMAIL!! I DON'T NEED THE NUMBER OF SUCH A HIGHLY DYSFUNCTIONAL PERSON ANYWHERE NEAR ME! THAT IDIOT HAS DONE MORE THAN ENOUGH HARM ALREADY. ANYMORE WHICH HAPPENS WOULD MERELY BE MY OWN DOING BY PLACING MYSELF IN HARMS WAY!!

 

~clears out half deafened ear~

 

Reply to myself:

 

Ahh ok. Yes of course. What was I even thinking! Good. That's sorted then!!!

 

~heads off to delete dickwad's email & prays like a mofo no more come~

 

Hahaha! Sorry you didn't get any responses.

 

Delete delete DELETE that email account! This guy has nothing but grief to offer you and you need to give yourself the time and space to clear your head. Once it's clear you will ask yourself, "WTF was I thinking?!" I promise.

 

If an email happens to slip through somehow, right click and delete without reading. If you read it, you will reopen the wound and it will set you back again. Give yoursel the gift of peace by staying NC and that includes not reading ANYTHING from him.

 

Hope this helps! Good luck!

[LilMissMovinOn]

Hahaha! Sorry you didn't get any responses.

 

Delete delete DELETE that email account! This guy has nothing but grief to offer you and you need to give yourself the time and space to clear your head. Once it's clear you will ask yourself, "WTF was I thinking?!" I promise.

 

If an email happens to slip through somehow, right click and delete without reading. If you read it, you will reopen the wound and it will set you back again. Give yoursel the gift of peace by staying NC and that includes not reading ANYTHING from him.

 

Hope this helps! Good luck!

 

Thanks Spice4Life. I probably I didn't get any responses b/cuz anyone reading this thread would have thought, 'wow, this chick must be outta her freakin mind to bother wasting a even a second of her time that a**hole', & figuring out how to say that 'nicely' (as per LS guidelines) would have been too mindboggling to bother! LOL

 

I'm going to try to keep the email addy as I've lost so much already b.cuz of this person (health wise - not related to work injury & loss of an earlier 2nd job) that due to the complications of changing this (much more than just file & contacts transfer), I'm finally putting my foot down & saying enough! He thinks he's blocked anyway, & if he ever had any sort of genuine amends he felt the need to make, a simple google of my name will bring up my post office box address, something which would not escape him. I highly doubt any sort of genuinely remorse or apology will ever come though & from my end, even if it did, it would change nothing.

 

You are spot on that with time to clear my head I will look back & think, WTF? I've been thinking exactly that, almost from the moment this thing started (HUGE red flag fail there)!!

 

I appreciate the encouragement though & yes, your post was helpful. This situation was HIGHLY TOXIC & the emotional abuse & resulting betrayal bond means that it's tenacious in the hold it can quickly have over me, if I allow it to. This is due to the impact of random intermittant re-inforcement which creates THE MOST POWERFUL type of attachment bond between victim (for want of a better word) & abuse perpetrator. Toxic relationships change our brain chemistry which is why people feel a 'high' when in contact with the object of their affections, & withdrawal symptoms when they pull away. I don't have too many of the withdrawal symptoms though (notwithstanding that my post re 'feeling sad' was one example of this) & am just relieved this person is out of my life.

 

Cheers & thanks again for the reply.

Edited January 7, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[spice4life]

Hmm...interesting. So you are disengaging yourself from a toxic bond? What's your plan for breaking it completely?

[LilMissMovinOn]

It was broken completely until these emails arrived notwithstanding that underlying grief issues for me (my issues not his) had only just begun to surface (which I think shows this ie due to no longer having anything but care factor zero for him, I had finally begun to process my own seperate issues). I think the fact that I maintained N.C speaks volumes, however, allowing time to pass is also an important factor in breaking such a bond. My strategies are thus:

 

1. He is blocked from all social networking sites & both parties (at my request) have set personal pages to 'private' (no trouble there so far).

2. I have changed ALL of my contact phone numbers

4. He has changed his phone number & I dont know what his new number is (yippee lol)

3. I threw any momento / gifts he had given me into the sea a couple of months ago as a symbolic letting go ritual for myself.

4. I have made a decision (for now) not to do the course I had planned to eventually do which is only available in his city (@ a specialist national training institute) before possibly re-locating permanently overseas, in order to be sure I am no-where near him.

5. I have decided that if I break NC due to the email block function failing on my current email account that despite the incredible difficulties such a thing would cause, if needed, I will change my email addy.

6. I have a N.C / do not respond plan in place should any further unsolicited emails arrive (which has worked since I implimented this).

7. My family / friends / therapist know what happened with this guy & are available for me to talk things through when needed.

8. I am posting on LS which has been most helpful in terms of boosting my objectivity

9. I am dealing with the underlying issues which made me vulnerable to allowing this person into my life in the place (grief & loss & health issues) in therapy.

10. I have a response plan in place in case he ever shows up @ my home (unlikely given he lives interstate but one never knows)

11. I am clear as to what changes would need to be evident before I would bother listening to even a single word of what this guy might ever have to say i.e I MIGHT be willing listen to a GENUINE amends from this person but ONLY if they had a number of years of recovery from all forms of acting out / addictive behaviour under their belt first (highly unlikely & something I'd quickly / easily be able to ascertain)

12. When I am ready to start dating again (a while away yet) if I meet someone who seems like a serious contender for my heart, when the time is right, I will make a FULL DISCLOSURE re what happened with this guy & seek their support in helping me feel safe. This may mean selling my home to move away or any manner of other options. I will clearly state that although I take full responsibility for my own wellbeing that I may need support in terms of ensuring I am never again vulnerable to being manipulated by this person, something which I think will show my sincerity in having truely moved on..

 

That's about all I have in place for now. All of which is underpinned by my overall committment to N.C. I got rid of him 17 yrs ago, & after the first weekend this time when I had a new partner for a period of time & I will & am doing so again. I have a zero tolerance attitude to abuse & am overjoyed to have moved on!

Edited January 7, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[whichwayisup]

Suggestion?

 

Set up the new email account now, slowly take your time in the next month updating your contact list and maybe once a week send out a group email sayin this is your new email address. This way if he does contact you and your block feature doesn't work again, then you can just shut down the account completely and your other account will be up and working/ready to go.

 

Why wait and take the chance "IF" you break NC? Why set yourself up for failure?

 

Respectfully calling you on that.. If you truly want NC to stick and NEVER EVER to hear from him again, you will (as much as it's a pain in the butt) change your email address.

 

Keep strong.

[LilMissMovinOn]

Suggestion?

 

Set up the new email account now, slowly take your time in the next month updating your contact list and maybe once a week send out a group email sayin this is your new email address. This way if he does contact you and your block feature doesn't work again, then you can just shut down the account completely and your other account will be up and working/ready to go.

 

Why wait and take the chance "IF" you break NC? Why set yourself up for failure?

 

Respectfully calling you on that.. If you truly want NC to stick and NEVER EVER to hear from him again, you will (as much as it's a pain in the butt) change your email address.

 

Keep strong.

 

Strong & free here. Thankyou for the encouragement.

 

I hear what you're saying whichway but I'm not willing to change my email address at this point. It's long winded to go into all of the details as to why but I do have very good reasons for this none of which are remotely related to this cretin. If I felt at risk of breaking N.C in any way I would change this now in fact. I feel reasonably confident that I can maintain N.C though & as it will cause major disruptions to my work / study & other areas of life for me to change it, I'm going to leave it for now & see how I go.

 

The reason N.C was always eventually broken in the past is that I didn't know I was an OW. Now that I know this & have spoken with the Mother of his child about what happened, having full knowledge of the level of abuse this guy has subjected both of us to, is to quite sufficient for me to maintain N.C.

 

Essentially, the only feeling I have toward this person now is disgust. Anything else was all just smoke & mirrors on his part with no basis in reality. I really am totally free. After all he put me through, I now feel 100% BETTER (not worse)! I also think it most fitting that 'he who lived by the sword' - (giving me the silent treatment etc) - ultimately died by it also (figuratively speaking). Poetic justice at it's best!!

 

If I'm back eating humble pie on this down the track I will deal with that then. I doubt it though. Sometimes you just 'know' hey (& reading this guy's C.V - key parts of which did not emerge until the very end - say's it all!)

 

For goodness sakes I'm not desperate for a date if & when I want one!! LOL

 

To everyone who posted in this thread ... I could hug you all!! Thanks again!!

Edited January 8, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[LilMissMovinOn]

Suggestion?

 

Set up the new email account now, slowly take your time in the next month updating your contact list and maybe once a week send out a group email sayin this is your new email address. This way if he does contact you and your block feature doesn't work again, then you can just shut down the account completely and your other account will be up and working/ready to go.

 

Why wait and take the chance "IF" you break NC? Why set yourself up for failure?

 

Respectfully calling you on that.. If you truly want NC to stick and NEVER EVER to hear from him again, you will (as much as it's a pain in the butt) change your email address.

 

Keep strong.

 

That said though, this IS a good suggestion whichway so I WILL give it due consideration. If people knew the full complications of changing my email addy though most I think would also understand why this is an option of last resort

[spice4life]

It was broken completely until these emails arrived notwithstanding that underlying grief issues for me (my issues not his) had only just begun to surface (which I think shows this ie due to no longer having anything but care factor zero for him, I had finally begun to process my own seperate issues). I think the fact that I maintained N.C speaks volumes, however, allowing time to pass is also an important factor in breaking such a bond. My strategies are thus:

 

1. He is blocked from all social networking sites & both parties (at my request) have set personal pages to 'private' (no trouble there so far).

2. I have changed ALL of my contact phone numbers

4. He has changed his phone number & I dont know what his new number is (yippee lol)

3. I threw any momento / gifts he had given me into the sea a couple of months ago as a symbolic letting go ritual for myself.

4. I have made a decision (for now) not to do the course I had planned to eventually do which is only available in his city (@ a specialist national training institute) before possibly re-locating permanently overseas, in order to be sure I am no-where near him.

5. I have decided that if I break NC due to the email block function failing on my current email account that despite the incredible difficulties such a thing would cause, if needed, I will change my email addy.

6. I have a N.C / do not respond plan in place should any further unsolicited emails arrive (which has worked since I implimented this).

7. My family / friends / therapist know what happened with this guy & are available for me to talk things through when needed.

8. I am posting on LS which has been most helpful in terms of boosting my objectivity

9. I am dealing with the underlying issues which made me vulnerable to allowing this person into my life in the place (grief & loss & health issues) in therapy.

10. I have a response plan in place in case he ever shows up @ my home (unlikely given he lives interstate but one never knows)

11. I am clear as to what changes would need to be evident before I would bother listening to even a single word of what this guy might ever have to say i.e I MIGHT be willing listen to a GENUINE amends from this person but ONLY if they had a number of years of recovery from all forms of acting out / addictive behaviour under their belt first (highly unlikely & something I'd quickly / easily be able to ascertain)

12. When I am ready to start dating again (a while away yet) if I meet someone who seems like a serious contender for my heart, when the time is right, I will make a FULL DISCLOSURE re what happened with this guy & seek their support in helping me feel safe. This may mean selling my home to move away or any manner of other options. I will clearly state that although I take full responsibility for my own wellbeing that I may need support in terms of ensuring I am never again vulnerable to being manipulated by this person, something which I think will show my sincerity in having truely moved on..

 

That's about all I have in place for now. All of which is underpinned by my overall committment to N.C. I got rid of him 17 yrs ago, & after the first weekend this time when I had a new partner for a period of time & I will & am doing so again. I have a zero tolerance attitude to abuse & am overjoyed to have moved on!

 

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!

[LilMissMovinOn]

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!

 

Thanks spice. u too!

 

I've been reading other ppl's 'back stories' (I think yrs may hav been one but I can't quite recall exactly which 'story' belongs to which poster, although I think yrs started w a person claiming to be sep? If not, sorry posting via ph so limited capacity to easily double check as I write this now...)

 

Anyway, as has happened to others (some who posted in this thread)... it seems falsely claiming to be sep is a common tactic used by ppl in committed r.ships to reel in an AP.... OR the r.ship begins with one or both parties sep (in cases where both were in committed r.ships) & then 'spills over' into an A @ the point where one or both parties decides to reconcile with their original partner... in these cases it seems that very similar to me, ppl had no intent or desire to enter an A. Being able to keep things ' off ' though after reconcilliation w original partner/s it THEN becomes one...

 

In my case there are other powerful 'don't go there with a barge pole' factors which caused me to end things (primarily emotional abuse & untreated addiction / mental health issues). These factors which slowly emerged via trickle truthing, were the reasons for me trying to end things repeatedly prior to knowing I was an OW (except 1st one off w.end). Notwithstanding they are treatable issues which one CAN recover from, or be managed w medication, few ever achieve this, & when combined with all he has put me through, this rules out going any further w this person, most likely for good.

 

That said, I have realised I'm @ a critical juncture as this is where (notwithstanding other trainwreck issues) some make the mistake (possibly after a period of NC) of CONTINUING the r.ship w a wayward person, which THEN b.comes an A. Some AP's would then b told 'it's not an A' claiming to hav s frm original partner again but wen sitch is LD how wud u really know? Unless one intends to fly bk / forth reg - you wouldnt (& even if did this easy enuf for wayward person to set up sep crash pad to make s seem real)...

 

All of this adds to why best for me not to bother with post Dday closure call w him... he's not in rehan which means only one thing. He will lie during the call through his teeth. (ie how do u know wen a practising addict of any kind is lying? their lips r moving! lol)

 

I had enough of this PRIOR to knowing I was an OW & I just cant b bothered putting myself through it again... If he had called me FROM rehab, perhaps w a worker monitoring the call I MIGHT hav been willing to a post dday closure call..

 

The way things stand though Id only b inviting more of his crap into my life. I was over his crap a long time ago. Now I know the underlying CAUSE of it all (ie he was w Mother of his child all along - plus, OTHERS !!!) I've been instantly cured of any care factor. I don't 'care' about ppl who abuse the sh*t out of me. Rather, if I had sufficient evidence I's be prosecuting him for rape re 1st night!

 

So YES, I WILL stay strong....

 

Thanks again for the cheers. Others are more than welcome.

This has been TOUGH folks, but I AM TOUGHER! xx

Edited January 8, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[Severely Unamused]

Thanks spice

 

I've been reading other ppl's 'back stories' (I think yrs may hav been one but I can't quite recall exactly which 'story' belongs to which poster, although I think yrs started w a person claiming to be sep? If not, sorry posting via ph so limited capacity to easily double check as I write this now...)

 

Anyway, as has happened to others (some who posted in this thread)... it seems falsely claiming to be sep is a common tactic used by ppl in committed r.ships to reel in an AP.... OR the r.ship begins with one or both parties sep (in cases where both were in committed r.ships) & then 'spills over' into an A @ the point where one or both parties decides to reconcile with their original partner... in these cases it seems that very similar to me, ppl had no intent or desire to enter an A. Being able to keep things ' off ' though after reconcilliation w original partner/s it THEN becomes one...

 

In my case there are other powerful 'don't go there with a barge pole' factors which caused me to end things (primarily emotional abuse & untreated addiction / mental health issues). These factors which slowly emerged via trickle truthing, were the reasons for me trying to end things repeatedly prior to knowing I was an OW (notwithstanding 1st one off w.end). Notwithstanding they are treatable issues which one CAN recover from, or be managed w medication, few ever achieve this, & when combined with all he has put me through, this rules out going any further w this person, most likely for good.

 

That said, I have realised I'm @ a critical juncture as this is where (notwithstanding other trainwreck issues) some make the mistake (possibly after a period of NC) of CONTINUING the r.ship w a wayward person, which THEN b.comes an A. Some AP's would then b told 'it's not an A' claiming to hav s frm original partner again but wen sitch is LD how wud u really know? Unless one intends to fly bk / forth reg - you wouldnt (& even if did this easy enuf for wayward person to set up sep crash pad to make s seem real)...

 

All of this adds to why best for me not to bother with post Dday closure call w him... he's not in rehan which means only one thing. He will lie during the call through his teeth. (ie how do u know wen a practising addict of any kind is lying? their lips r moving! lol)

 

I had enough of this PRIOR to knowing I was an OW & I just cant b bothered putting myself through it again... If he had called me FROM rehab, perhaps w a worker monitoring the call I MIGHT hav been willing to a post dday closure call..

 

The way things stand though Id only b inviting more of his crap into my life. I was over his crap a long time ago. Now I know the underlying CAUSE of it all (ie he was w Mother of his child all along - plus, OTHERS !!!) I've been instantly cured of any care factor. I don't 'care' about ppl who abuse the sh*t out of me. Rather, if I had sufficient evidence I's be prosecuting him for rape re 1st night!

 

So YES, I WILL stay strong....

 

Thanks again for the cheers. Others are more than welcome.

This has been TOUGH folks, but I AM TOUGHER! xx

 

I find it inspiring to see (well, read as) you build yourself up.

 

I'm a sucker for this sort of stuff.

[LilMissMovinOn]

I find it inspiring to see (well, read as) you build yourself up.

 

I'm a sucker for this sort of stuff.[/quote

 

Shucks. That's a lovely sentiment but if only you could SEE me severely unamused. Moping around day & night in my dressing gown due to illness, hair awry, & chain smoking (I didnt smoke for 14 YEARS b4 he re-entered my life.. says it all.. ughhh... and following a HEART ATTACK & onging heart probs? INSANE...) . I'm dealing w other major stuff right now but smoking is high on hit list for nxt task on my healing journey. Shame it's relieving me of so much $ in the interim..He's cost me $50,000 in lost wages frm 2nd job I couldnt hold way bk already, (not covered by insurance)...

 

I will take any encourgement I can get tho so thanku. Coming frm a B.S it's VERY humbling. B.S (former defacto/supposed 'ex') was in affair w dikwad & left her (very decent as far I could ascertain frm dikwad) NOW xH 4 dikwad . She blamed HERSELF wen everything came out. I tried to reassure her she too was a victim of his abuse (b4 knowing abt his MANY indiscretions even she had kicked him out of the house, sold up & tattoo'd 'damaged' on her wrist) & tht she was in no way to blame 4 tht (whilst gently wryly noting truth of saying 'he did it WITH u / will do it TOO u) but of course knew I was not the best person 2 b telling her tht. Regardless, I know I f*cked up badly in all of this - for both myself & B.S (i.e I cudn't care less abt HIM). Thinking abt it as I txt almost brings tears, except there's none left to cry as they were all long ago used up on countless rounds of emotional abuse prior to learning I was OW.

 

I feel as tho my very life depends on getting rid of this guy... I have been diagnosed w clinical depression (related to illness & impact of this on all areas of life - not him - but his crap took me to very dark places in my mind). Tht's why I kept trying to end it b4 learning I was OW (xcept 1st w.end). He knew I was having suicidal thoughts @ one point (I'd never act on these I dont think as Im not the drama queen type unless it was ONCE, if you get my drift - altho tht really is NOT an option as I hav an adult Son I could never do tht 2) & he STILL did the silent treatment thing (ie I was genuinely suicidal as a result of his abuse rather than trying to manipulate him into contact. I'm more a straight up front type of person & had NO IDEA I was an OW at the time)... I realised then & there how evil this man really is...

 

I'm genuinely really ill with other health issues (apart frm heart probs). I havent worked for an extended period of time...His crap was not helping (hence numerous attempts @ N.C frm me prior to learning I was an OW - ie refer bk to I was having SUICIDAL thoughts! )

 

This creature (soz but I cant call him a 'man' as IMO he ISN'T one) must now stay GONE FOR GOOD....

 

And as much as I hate to admit it (as it makes me feel weak considering this guys C.V) I do need support to stay strong in my N.C committment as the lack of a post dday discussion could pull be bk in if I'm not careful (even tho to protect myself frm his vindictiveness I can see this would b most unwise & hence N.C staying STRONG)

 

Reading yr bk posts SU I also hope I left things in terms of the B.S (unmarried) was for the best. B.S was only a voice on the ph to me in tht we never met IRL but she's a REAL PERSON whose heart was bleeding just like mine as I shared w her everything which had happened. I felt so terrible about my part in what I was responsible for doing to HER (ie again. bugger him). I didnt tell B.S the crap he'd told me abt her 2 get me to (2 sum extent) willingly participate in the remainder of tht 1st w.end after the first (horrible) night & she didn't ask. I knew it was prolly just lies anyway & didnt want B.S anymore than my actions already had..

 

I've thought often since abt mayb meeting w B.S IRL 1 day to discuss in person..We never discussed this as it didnt occur to me until later & by then I had changed my number so he couldnt contact me anymore. I sent her f/up txts as I 'put the pieces 2gether' as much as I could for her over the week or so we were in touch (2 ph calls & quite a bit of txting bk & forth) but she too now, no longer has my number. I dont know if hers is still the same or not. I gave her 48 hrs notice of my impending ph number change w opportunity to answr any further Q's she may hav & then changed it as Im so physically ill with other issues tht I desperately needed to move on in order to focus on me & my own life instead of anthing to do w Mr a**hole... without going into too much detail B.S knew this was the reason I was changing my number.

 

I sincerely hope how I handled dday (not knowing this was gunna happen of course) was right by her. Wen I realised he'd played us BOTH, I felt total honesty was the very least I owed her after my part in things.

 

I feel ****e today... I have bigger fish to fry tho & will hav a shower, make a few neccessary calls on other matters...

 

I know I'm in the process of RECLAIMING my life but I feel like a shell. An empty burned out person with mothing left to give the world (altho the reality is I giv endlessly where I can)... prolly just tired... Ive barely slept since those emails came & went...

 

And yes. As if dikwads glaring dysfunction in practically ALL AREAS (most of which didnt emerge until near very end) wasn't enuf, thought of B.S on other end of this is more than enuff 2 keep me the hell AWAY for good... I told B.S I was making an immediate EXIT & would leave the two of them to sort things out between them as they saw fit. This, at least, is a promise I intend to keep!

 

Edited January 8, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[LilMissMovinOn]

Broken. No p/calls & 'getting on w it' 2day after all. Just don't hav it in me. No desire to hear frm or ever see dikwad again. But I can feel him in my psyche. The enormity of it all is suffocating me. I can hardly breath & am paralysed. I know this is just PTSD symptoms frm wot he did to me ('my part in this aside)...My pain is nothing tho...imagine wot B.S must b going thru...

 

I WILL get thru this... I hav to...for my Son's sake...

 

My little wings r broken just now thts all. To paraphrase Victor Frankl, 'in order to shine a light for others, we must first endure burning'...

 

Time to call in the fire brigade me thinks (coming in form of therapist coming to see me at home later today due to my current limited mobility)

 

Thank heavens for him & the small circle of friends carrying me thru this (& so much else going on here)...I'm not religious but must hav had enuf karma in the bank for at least this small mercy...

[LilMissMovinOn]

after walking around in a daze y.day, & having a minor seizure (i think cuz of stress of receiving those emails) today, I'm slightly better. no more feeling small, sorry for myself (human i suppose) or tht Im to blame for HIS willfull deception. nope. instead just nauseas & shaking on the inside. things r weird & a bit 'spacey'. as if someone spiked my drink. i know it's just the ptsd symptoms. also having flashbacks of wot he did the first night & another time wen he became hostile/angry, just for a split second but thts a split second too long in my book, wen I refused him sex (& tht time having learned frm 1st night - I stuck to my guns).

 

Im totally pee'd off tht my best strategy for protecting myself frm his vindctivemess going foward was to be 'nice' & 'compassionate' in telling him to bugger off. truth is i wanted to tell him if he EVER comes anywhere near me again I will scratch his eyeballs out (figuratively). yet i also know i did what i needed to do to protect myself given idiot face has form in trying to create trouble for me w a previous employer years bk. how did i ever forget tht I wonder? I can only imagine it was due to being in such a bad way wen he executed his reappearance in my life.

 

In all the years in between our two periods of involvement, NOT ONE of my partners (3 in total) was abusive. NONE were f*cked up & NONE were disrespectful (or vice versa). who does this slug think he is i wonder? god's gift? surely, he jests!!

 

I'm not a violent person & I would never in a million years assaullt sum1, but my natural instinct is to want to punch this a**hole's head in (soz abt the colorful language. Im not my normal self right now).

 

I doubt any further emails will arrive (he has the capacity cut off w a chilling level of coldness at mere will). I DO think he will eventually arrive on my doorstep tho. DAMN HIM!!! He thinks I didnt reply b.cuz I blocked him for sending an abusive email. Thus, wen he is nxt in town for family reasons, he will come skulking around sniffing me out to see if Im willing to accept a phoney 'apology' & to sign up for more abuse. HELL NO is the answer, NO WAY - NO MATTER WHAT!!!

 

I feel sik tho as instead of being able to say wot I REALLY think wen tht day comes I will hav to act out in person, the whole kind / compassionate schtick again. the mere thought of this makes me want to THROW UP. And yet it is the smartest thing to do in light of the threats to make trouble for me. the only thing in my favor is tht i can use his extreme narrcissism against him. he will absolutely LAP UP the kind / compassionate tone. For HIM thts an ego stroking hit, even whilst being rejected. I will blame not being able to go there again on the state of my poor health (w.out giving details of this). He's not getting off TOTALLY scot free tho as I WILL also mention I consider him to hav a problem w being abusive toward women. I will use the abusive email as an example of this. Then wen he tries to justify his unacceptable behaviour by claiming i lied abt him (not true btw) i will simply explain im not available to discuss tht as i dont feel it would be helpful. He will then b TOLD to leave. I am SO stressed out. like im just waiting for tht knock on the door. i giv it 6 mths max. i hope im wrong on this. time will tell.

Edited January 10, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn

[Lucky_One]

I would suggest that you contact a solicitor and have him state to this guy that he is to stay away from you via all paths (physical, electronic and anything else he can think of), or you will press charges against him for stalking and harassment. If your accusations against him are true (rape, financial losses, abuse, harassment), then it appears according to Section 3(2) of the 1997 Protection from Harassment Act that you would be able to get an injunction against him as well as damages.

 

As for contacting his GF to get together for closure, that is an insane idea. That is merely inviting drama at a minimum, and continued, escalated contact with him at a maximum.

 

Go to your long list again, and look at 11. Are you serious?

 

I am glad that you are seeking therapy; good luck.

[LilMissMovinOn]

Ive already exhausted all legal options avail to me & hav had both legal advice (hoping i cud sue for libel re untrue allegations. they wer made only to me so I cant) & he doesnt fall under state based D.V legislation (i know, i helped to draft this but double checked w police & they confirmed this is correct).

 

If he uses electronic or telecommunications devices to threaten or harrass he may then come under Fed law re this. He has to b warned 1st tho & then do it AGAIN b4 action can b taken. If he is any further prob or makes any explicit threats (which he hasnt to date) I will go this route. for now it's just abt damage control & iv done the best i can there & think how i left things was best in terms of hopefully making him think twice abt his vindictive streak. the nice as pie email indicates this wrkd. all i need to do now is maintain strict NC. tht shouldnt be overly hard seeing as this jerk appears to want to destroy me (he was always very jelous of my achievements. now i can see y. ie b.cuz he is such a loser)

 

I also think i read something abt 'if' what i am saying has happened true'? if so u gotta b kidding right? y on earth any1 wud think id lie abt such things, esp wen it makes ME look dumb for having put up w it all, is beyond me. lol

 

suffice to say iv realised i need to move this thread to the abuse forum. after all how can 1 hav had an A if they didnt even know they were an OW? yes i hav some responsibility for what happened tht 1st w.end but the mitigating circ's r pretty damning on him, not me.

 

i will move this thread wen i hav time to figure out how to do so. meanwhile i appreciate wot iv learned frm the om/ow forums which is basically dont go there. ever. i knew this already tho, which is y iv neva had an A. Im not sur if i really belonged in this section of L.S to start w but appreciate ppls feedback & wish every1 well

[LilMissMovinOn]

the idea of meeting B.S IRL was a passing thght i decided against precisely for those reasons. i dont need the drama & just want this dysfunctional person gone for good.

 

& re point 11, who knows perhaps i will change my mind on this. i certainly reserve the right to. i owe this a**hole NOTHING. most likely he will die a practising addict anyway. tht's very sad 4 him but frankly, wud b a relief for me as it would mean tht he will never b able to abuse or manipulate me in such a terrible way ever again. i hope for his sake he doesnt die of course, but honestly, it's care factor zero here, so wotev.

 

cheers.

[LilMissMovinOn]

An update

 

After a couple of days in hospital for physical health problems I'm slowly putting myself back together after the email disruption. There haven't been anymore emails so that's the first good thing. The second is that I've stopped smoking. I didn't smoke for 14 years prior to idiot face re-entering my life. It feels so good to have stopped again. Yay.