kimberlefowler Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated. After I got over being very made and kicked him out I told him we could try to make it work. I asked him to be honest with me about everything. I asked him if he has talked to her since then, he said only once when he told her it was over. I thne found out that was a lie that he called her the day I kicked him out. He said the reason he didnt tell me was because he thought it would only make thing worse. I told him no, it is worse now that he lied and got caught. I have told him he HAS to be 100% honest with me about everything. That I can not take any more lies. Is he making a fool of me or could he have really thought he was doing the right thing by not telling me? I think he knows now that I will find stuff out, and what if I do? where do I draw the line? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 You've already drawn the line. The line was drawn when you made your wedding vows. He cheated - he has to fix it, or get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 Hi, I totally agree with papillon. Have you talked to him about counseling for the both of you? Please keep in mind to and I'm not saying he'll do it again, but i would keep my eyes and ears open this time. Look for clues as well about wheather or not he may be doing this again. He also needs to know that not only is it a disrespect to you its to your marriage as whole. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
objectiveperspective Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 ...... although it is completely understandable that at the moment you are incredibly angry, hurt, confused and probaby going through emotions that you didnt realise you even had. knowing all the ins and outs of the affair, trying to now watch him like a hawk for signs of further betrayal will bring you further pain and distress.( although I know that you simply cannot NOT do this and I'm not saying its wrong to do that) I feel you need to try to not focus on the details of the affair, because that will take your energy and focus off the really important thing and that is YOUR relationship. when the time comes that your anger and hurt subsides a little you should try to find a way to sit him down and talk, really talk about WHY he did it. There will be a reason WHY he had an affair. This is what he needs to be honest with you about. Talk about how he and you viewed your relationship before the affair, this may yet bring further pain if you discover that he has been hiding some dissatisfaction with the relationship that you had not picked up on. Some will say , he should have communicated this to you before having an affair, but maybe he didnt feel he could. Not blaming you at all, just pointing out that sometimes communication can be taken for granted within a marriage on both sides. Until you truly feel you know the reason WHY, you will not be able to get back to making it work as you will be consumed with the thoughts of the who and the what as opposed to the WHY. The best thing I have ever read on this subject is Anatomy of an Affair, by Dr Reena Sommer. Hope this reads as supportively and non judgemental as i intend it to be , just trying to offer an objective, practical way forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Linlin Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 It has been 8 weeks since I found out my H has cheated. He is still lying to me about contactng and talking to her. He told me that he would be honest and tell me anytime he spoke to her. We live in a small town and our children are in the same class so unfortunately they run into each other. I have caught him several times lying to me about what they say to each other. There conversations are always alot longer than he lets on. Be very vary and cautious. Look out for yourself and any children you have. Got get some counselling for yourself first. The OW is still telling my H she loves him and I believe will continue to cause trouble. We are separating and I am not taking him back right now. He has alot to prove to me first. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Analyzer Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 Hi, another thing to keep in mind to is...sometimes when people are caught or called on what it is they are doing, they rarely stop, they just become better at hiding it. I think thats what Butterfly_Queen was referring to as far as keeping your eyes and ears open. Sometimes people can give away clues as to what they are doing and not even realize it. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimberlefowler Posted May 26, 2004 Author Share Posted May 26, 2004 yes, we are going to a MC. and he is even reading the books the MC asked us to. I just dont know what to think or do anymore. I guess only time will tell. I have asked him why he did it, it says he doesnt know and that maybe it is not just one thing. He said he felt we where not close and he was confussed about a lot of stuff. " I will try to focus more on" us" then" them", but it will be hard Link to post Share on other sites
Linlin Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I am not trying to discourage you but some of this sounds familiar to the reasons why my H had an affair and the reasons he gave. The difference is I have not given him the option of coming back, right now, if ever. The time to go to a MC in my opinion was before it happened but that is too late. Be sure that you bring up everything that YOU were not happy about in your marriage and make sure that he changes before you take him back for good. You have the power right now. I am not saying walk all over him, but make sure that you get what you want out of it. If he can really change and stick with it, then it will work. Good luck to you and take care of yourself this time. Link to post Share on other sites
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