Raped or active Participant

[halebw]

I would like some help. My girlfriend got drunk last weekend with a friend and ended up sleeping with some guy her friend knew. She never told me, but she told a few people the day after as well as telling my best friend the day after that as well as telling him this guy was the best she had had. He, of course, told me. I kicked her out of the house and was very angry.

Then she went to a shrink. After that, she is saying she was raped. She said she told the guy no, and he proceeded. She has gone to the doctor and talked to a lawyer. Now I feel like an ass hole because if she has been raped and I just threw her out, then that is not a good thing for me to do. But, there are things that just don't fit.

Why did she go back to his room in the first place? Why didn't she get up or push the guy away? There were other people in the house, why didn't she scream or cry out for help? She said she "gave up" after he persisted. That dosen't seem like rape. Or is it? I don't know and it is killing me. I don't know what to feel, mad at her for cheating and giving up on our relationship, or supportive of her as she was a victim of a crime. Do you have any advice?

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

I am sorry for you but based on her remark to your best friend I think you

did the right thing. I seriously doubt that any rape victim would say that the sex was the best she ever had. This comment would indicate to me that she got busted getting drunk and sleeping with this guy. She brags it was the best sex she had. Your friend tells you and you kick her out rightfully so. Now she realizes she lost a place she was living in and her boyfriend. She goes to a shrink to justify her actions. The bottom line is that it is inconceivable a true rape victim would brag to her friends how great the sex was. It sounds like she was playing you and now wants you back. Why would you want a girl friend who would go to a party and get drunk and sleep with someone else and then brag how great the sex was? It is interesting that it is only after you kick her out she claims rape. In addition, why wouldn't she have gone to the police immediately and tell you instead of bragging to her friends how great the sex was. I am sorry but no way this sounds logical. You did the right thing.

She is a cheater who bragged how great the sex was. Why would you want this? I wish you luck.

[dudesomewhere]

dude "She never told me, but she told a few people the day after as well as telling my best friend the day after that as well as telling him this guy was the best she had had."

 

Nobody who's raped would react like that. Maybe it's guilt but it aint rape.

[HokeyReligions]

[color=darkred]ACT

 

The perpetrator invaded the body of a person by conduct resulting in penetration, however slight, of any part of the body of the victim or of the perpetrator with a sexual organ, or of the anal or genital opening of the victim with any object or any other part of the body.

 

[The concept of "invasion" is intended to be broad enough to be

gender-neutral.]

 

 

LEVEL OF FORCE REQUIRED

 

The invasion was committed by force, or by threat of force or coercion, such as that caused by fear of violence, duress, detention, psychological oppression or abuse of power, against such person or another person, or by taking advantage of a coercive environment, or the invasion was committed against a person incapable of giving genuine consent.

 

[it is understood that a person may be incapable of giving genuine consent if affected by natural, induced or age-related incapacity. [/color]

 

 

 

[color=darkblue]The California Supreme Court clarified almost 18 years of conflicting California case law by ruling a man can be convicted of rape if a woman first consents but later changes her mind and asks him to stop.

 

The 7-0 decision Monday overturned a 1985 state appeals court ruling that said such circumstances were not rape, which carries a maximum eight-year prison term for each count.

 

A withdrawal of consent effectively nullifies any earlier consent and subjects the male to forcible rape charges if he persists in what has become nonconsensual intercourse. [/color]

 

Legally, she may have been raped. However, her actions leading up to the rape and afterward suggest that she doesn't care about your feelings and has disrespected you and your commitment to each other the minute she started drinking that weekend and went off with another man. The fact that she said he was the best she ever had is crap. I think you did right to throw her out. The courts might decide one thing, but they can't dictate your feelings. If she is going to a psychologist or counselor ask if she will give permisison to that counselor to talk with you about all of this so that you can sort out your own feelings. Or ask to sit in on a session or two. My opinion: you did the right thing to throw her out, now forget her, heal and move on. Good Luck

[magda]

I doesn't seem like she has much of a case for rape. It doesn't even seem worth taking it to court. Even most cases with much more evidence on the side of the victim don't end in a conviction. She didn't even go to the hospital?

 

As mentioned.. rape victims who wish to be taken seriously usually don't talk about how the forced sex was the best they ever had. Was your friend being entirely honest? Either one of them is lying to you or she's pretty crazy.

[Pyrannaste]

She never told me, but she told a few people the day after as well as telling my best friend the day after that as well as telling him this guy was the best she had had.

 

Do you know in which terms she described the episode to the other people she talked to? Can you contact them and find out if she described it as something awful or as someting to brag about?

 

I tend to agree with the others, and I would have probably reacted the same way. There are quite a lot of faults in her story.

 

But I can very well understand how you don't know how to feel.

 

In high school a friend of mine used to say she had been raped, at first I truly believed her and felt terrible for her.....but as time went on quite a lot of people started to wonder whether the story was true.

There were a lot of things that made no sense in her story, she told about it anyone but her parents, and with the fact that people believed she had been raped she got quite a lot of advantages......she finished high school (she would have failed exams otherwise, they let her pass her exams because she had been raped), she got away stealing other girls'boyfriend, she got everybody's attention, she managed to take advantages of some people(including myself) and she managed to break up a few relationships.

as an exemple she used to call this ex of her while he was with his new gf, asking him to come see her in that moment, saying she needed company.He eventually always went at her place , (apart from being really pretty she was great at using that rape thing to make him feel guilty) leaving his gf where she was (home, dinner out, her parents'house) until they broke up.

Well, when chances she was making it up were HUGE and no one believed her anymore, I still didn't know how to feel. There was this voice in my mind that kept telling me "what if she's been realy raped?????" When I started to doubt about the truth of her story I felt a *monster*. It was horrible.

So I can undertand how you feel and how torn you are.

 

It would be great to find out the truth...... but in cases like yours you can *never* be sure.

 

The comment about having her best sex......to your friend did she sound guilty while telling so? did she sound like she was feeling bad?

some girls orgasm during rape, which makes them feel guilty, like it was their fault(this does not seem the case, though)

[faux]

I am always skeptical about women who seem very open about past rape experiences. I have noticed that people who really did go through this sort of thing do not like to talk about it, and it takes them quite a while to feel comfortable enough with you to tell you. The ones that come right out and say it very quickly often have problems, and are not being honest.

 

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but I would be cautious about her claims at the least. If you really trust this friend that you heard this from, then I believe you did the right thing. Drunkenness is no excuse, and the rape part does not fit very well if she claims he was the best she had ever had.

 

I believe you have every right at present to be skeptical and keep her out of your life. I, personally, prefer to be with women who do not act recklessly and place themselves in dangerous situations, or settings where they most likely will run into trouble.

[halebw]

First, thanks for your comments. They really are helping me deal with this situation. To answer some questions, I trust my friend like he was my brother, he is actually notorious for being blunt and saying exactly what he has heard, so I have no doubts about what he has told me. Besides, he was really fond of her and I together, and he had made those comments before, so I am sure it is the full truth. As far as the tone, he did say it sounded like bragging. And after what I have heard on here and I just had a good conversation with my mother... I think I know what happened.

I believe that she was attracted to the guy, and wanted to sleep with him, but she also cared about me and our relationship. So she didn't know which way to go. I don't think she intended to go out and sleep with this guy, but I think that she was, wether consiously or subconsiously, curious and interested in what might happen. I do think she was taken advantage of after she went back to the room with him, but the fact that she went back to the room with him answers the questions of how she looked at our relationship. And because of that I now feel confident that I have done the right thing.

Thanks, if you have any more comments, let me know. So far, they have helped me out greatly as it has just confirmed my belief.

 

BWHale

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I think your analysis makes a lot of sense. You sound like a good person and your deserve a person who values your relationship and respect. It is apparent that this girl has neither. Don't look back and move on to someone who values you and who you can trust. You made the right decision. I wish you luck.