I can feel it (but I can't see it...)

[TheJiltedGeneration]

Well time for another update I guess, thought I’d post here, as the other post is well slightly bloated I guess...

 

 

feeling very weird right now, still havent quite moved on, the stilted phase of doing nothing is still ever present... and I kind of fear the intensity might be renewed...

 

tommorrow I need to pick up a assignment from uni, in which I MIGHT bump into my ex... ( she has the same assignment to pick up..) it's not something I really look forward to due to her dazed kind of chirpiness I will have to observe from afar .... to be honest I would be content with the idea that we never met at all..

 

as well as this.. tomorrows my b-day.... sometimes I wonder if she will remember ( she never has) its not really the occasion I care about but .... well.. whether is she can remember anything associated with me.. (I know she wont)

 

still I feel alot better since our break up, and I know I DONT want to go back to that as just being with her was a near ruination of everything held together... heck I cant even remember any times where we were close now, or it doesnt resonate at least anymore, just the vile excuses for attention when she warranted my company...... I've started to feel better since I've avoided any contant with her ( again as I said previously ostrich syndrome helped..) but now.. I dont know if I will be able to keep it together.. maybe I was ignoring how i feel or will I be able to keep a stiff upper lip....

 

I've done a number of things this week which is a massive step also...

Deleted her number at last and delete the emails she said in reply to mine when she felt like at least.... still havent deleted my poems to her though..

 

I guess the best way to equate what I am feeling is that I still feel a fondness but now I cant attach where that fondness originated, or why.... almost like the memories themselves are illusory attempts to link what I felt now to where it came from back then...

 

I know if she really attached any sentiment to her current life with thoughts of me, after 6-7 months ( or 5 online) she would have brought them to light months ago, is so glaringly obvious after the almost boilerplate typicalness of her responces, ( or lack thereof...) that I’ve got to go by the numbers I guess...

 

Hell unless I had something materialistic to offer her like a rare offering to her like “the adventures of tron bonne” ( ultra rare ps1 game, she liked megaman..) or something to that effect, she will never explain herself or even give me the time of day..

 

 

It still feels unreal, just how permanently cold this person is.... from this complete shut off. if this is was going to be the conclusive state of our relationships the entire time, then I dont know why I feel fondness still.... for her apathy? for her textbook distancing? she's only unique in her creativity beget from her mental immaturity...

 

once she grew apart from me..She just completely changed as if, even down to the clothes she wore, (kind of like crypsis of image, as she even said she wore them because of how everyone wore them.. ) her change in hairstyle, and since then she’s never been the same..

 

I am started to ask myself how we were so close in the first place, if she treats me like I am so maligmant, I know the june/july furore pushed things past the looking glass... but she cant even link my final response to her behaviour....

 

It’s like the only thing she would every respond to , as if she needed a excuse to jusfify her turned hate of me, was when I was angry.. like thats all she sees as palpable in human beings... never any sentiment towards when I tried to be nice.. or when I tried to do things for her....

 

I guess her silence succinctly tells me the level of investment in our relationship..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

so basically I didnt bump into her, and nothing email or txt wise for today ( or yesterday as its gone 1 am now) *sigh* was this really a remote possibility? ... maybe deep down I wanted to meet her again, I donno anymore, just .. I really wish I never invested that time in her which then turned me into a basket case for 2 years.. all that expectation built up for a harder harsher fall.... heck after this string of typical textbook cold shoulders from practically every woman I've been interested in ( 34 I've counted....), I don't see why I should bother with women anymore... just seems so much easier from them to walk away or take all the attention without returning any affection with even the smallest of gestures...

[light_vader]

I really wish I never invested that time in her which then turned me into a basket case for 2 years.. all that expectation built up for a harder harsher fall....

Friend,

Only wish for that the day you decide to give up on you, the day you decide to succumb to your feelings of anger, desperation and loneliness and the day you decide you can't take it no more in this life.

 

Otherwise, that was the best thing that ever happened to you so far!!!

Unless of course, you want to give up on learning the lesson.

 

Breaking up with her has shaken your world, and that is a great thing. It's the start of a possible new life for you.

 

By the way, wanna know about cold? Mine works on the cublicle next to me, and now picture me seeing her all day with her new boyfriend, not even the guy she cheated on me with, but a new one! Haha...

Just don't give it much thought, I don't know how it ended but if it was from her part, then probably that coldness and apathy means she checked out the relationship long before the break up.

 

Also try forgiving her for whatever she did and does, and give yourself the gift of forgiveness to, for letting yourself sink into this ship of sadness.

Everybody deserves forgiveness, just work on that and I promise you'll feel better.

 

There is really no point on going through life leaving resentments along the way, these are just scars that take away pieces of the true happiness you could be having.

We all make mistakes, and relationships are no easy thing. So forgive her and in the long run you'll feel much better, that is probably the last step towards healing from your breakup.

 

Take care friend.

[davesterr]

I think your mind is playing tricks on you like mine once did on me.

It doesn't matter how much we supress the feelings we have towards our ex.

No matter how deep we hide it and tell ourselves were over them.

Because the truth is that if she simply glanced at you and said she wants to give it another shot , u know you would be back to where you once were.

Loving her with everything you got with her simply taking you for granted.

 

You know , we got alot in common.

I thought i had to be a great actor starring in my ex's favorite movie for her to even notice me.

For me to even be worthy enough to get her back.

Just like how you think you need to get her this really rare megaman game just for her to talk to you.

And guess what?

I was wrong.

And so are you.

 

I found out which guy my ex girlfriend is dating currently.

Every emotion aside. He is a complete tool who is nobody compared to me.

And she's dating him!

All this time i thought i had to become a god to even talk to her yet she's dating a complete tool.

What im trying to say is: You might think you need some ultra rare game.

Or something of huge importance to her for her to talk to you but you dont.

See you're good enough on your own to deserve an explanation.

But the truth is: She doesn't care enough to give you one.

 

I could go through a million thoughts why my ex chooses this guy over me.

And you could spend all your savings on a really rare game to try get ur ex to explain so you can have a closure.

See my ex is dating someone else. I don't know why or what she sees in him but she is.

And your ex is not giving you a closure even when you deserve one.

But in the end it doesn't matter.

All that matters is that we both understand that this is how things are.

And no matter how hard we try or how hard we want to change it.

We can't. Why? Because we already gave it everything we had and did everything we could.

 

This leaves us to: The realisation or in other words: The sad truth.

I know it's killing you.

And it is hard thinking of whether you will run into her or whether you won't.

Because you still haven't let go.

I don't know whether it's love that keeps you stuck.

Whether it's not having found someone else that keeps you stuck.

Or whether you're simply dying for closure.

I know how hard it is.

I lost a full month of sleep not knowing why my ex ended it.

It can drive you insane.

All i wished for was to get closure.

Seeing her one last time. Giving her one last hug. Telling her one last goodbye and hearing why she broke up with me.

And guess what? I got that closure.

And you know another thing? Im still completely torn everyday.

It may have helped me at the time but in the end it didn't.

It simply replaced the question: Why? With: What now? What if? What could've been?

Long story short: As much as you desire her explanation it won't set you free.

You can't force yourself to stop loving your ex.

Whether she loved you back or never cared about you doesn't matter.

You really loved her and thats the only thing that counts cuz thats how you felt.

All we can do now is find happiness in this life on our own.

Right now you're all by yourself now.

It's an empty lonely place and it's hard.

But you once did great on your own before even ever meeting her.

So in time with hard work , balance and dedication you can do it again.

 

I don't blame how you feel towards other women anymore.

We all have to deal with this world full of shallow people in our own way.

For example: I promised myself never to love again. Ever.

There's just no way i could give a girl my full heart once again knowing that i can get it completely broken once more.

Not to mention how hard it is to find someone you can truely love.

Someone that could stand next to your ex and be just as special.

Which you can love just as much.

 

Either way for me this led to 2 conclusions:

Never date again and be single for the rest of my life.

Well that really sucks and im not looking forward to that.

Or i could date and hit on girls and become a ''player'' in a way to just fool around.

No emotional attachment or anything but yet the ability to be with a hot girl.

Yeah i know what your thinking.

That's really shallow and it's not the same as love.

And you're right , its not.

You can't hold hands , you can't hug eachother and have that closeness and amazing happy feeling of love.

But atleast you wont get your heart broken and shatered into a billion pieces.

 

Ofcourse there is option number 3:

Trying to love again.

See love is a gamble.

All you can do is see if the girl is worth the risk.

Whether you trust her and how much she means to you when you finally meet her.

In the end it's what your personal beliefs are that will make you make your decission.

I gave up all hope on women after waking up and seeing the world through my current eyes.

However if you still do have hope then that's good.

Hopefully for you u will find someone you deserve and will be happy together with because i can tell you , the world through my eyes is a real cold , empty and shallow place.

 

To summon it all up together to tell you what i think of how things are as i stated before:

1: Your ex just doesn't care.

As much as this hurts its the truth.

This is common with the dumper who lives their life like it never happend , where as the dumpee spends more than a year feeling completely torn and hurt and going crazy inside.

The only thing you can do about this is simply accept the sad truth.

The truth that all the love came from your side only.

And the only time you felt close together was infact when she allowed you to be close to her without her being close to you because as close as how you felt to her , she never felt the same.

 

And 2: As much as you want her to explain herself to you.

As much as you desire closure so u can move on without worrying or thinking the past over and over , she won't give it.

As rude as that is , she is not a nice person.

But the good thing is: You already know her explanation.

You simply just want to hear it from her.

But in the end you already know the answers.

She never felt the same for you.

She used you on so many ways and merely let you kiss her cuz she admired your persistence but truthfully never really liked you.

It doesn't matter why she didn't.

All that matters is that she didn't , for whatever reason that may be.

Because that's what lead you to where you are now all this time after the break up.

The best thing you can do is simply not beat yourself down telling you weren't good enough or whatever sick thoughts your mind can come up with to destroy your self worth.

Because in the end you know you did everything you could for this girl trying to make her happy and you know how much you loved her.

And believe me , that's really good enough.

She just either can't see what she had in front of her when you were with her or she simply didn't care for whatever reason that may be.

But it is not your job to find out why or hearing it from her mouth.

It's simply your job to let it go and move on.

Break these emotional chains and let yourself be free.

And yes freedom is scary because you're all on your own.

But if you don't break them and move forward , putting as much distance between you and your ex mentally and emotionally , then you will never be in a different place than where you are now.

And that means you will never allow yourself to fully heal.

 

I know this is really hard though.

And im not expecting you to do this over night.

In a way you need to be awakened.

All i can say is: I got the perfect closure from my ex and i still feel just as bad.

As much as you think it will help you , it won't.

It will simply replace one question with another.

And in the end there will always be questions unless you are back together.

It is now your job to accept it for what it is and to want to move on.

The reason i mentioned you need to be awakened is because despite what anyone says on this forum.

Despite how much thinking you do or knowledge you gain.

It doesn't hit your inner self untill it hits you.

The micro second that tells your true self the truth.

The unlucking of your inner power that wants to make a change and is sick of being where you are now.

For me it was finding out who my ex replaced me with.

Seeing what a complete loser he is made me realise my self worth.

All this time i thought i was nobody. Worthless. Not good enough because no matter what i did i still wasn't good enough for my ex.

But if she's dating that idiot then i know i am definitely good enough if not great.

Realising that hit me.

I stopt destroying myself mentally and i stopt feeling psychically paralized.

I found the strength to join the gym and use all the rage , sadness and emotions that kept me immobalised all this time , and use it to better myself.

Once you will find something that will awaken you , you will do a whole lot better.

Does this mean you will stop loving your ex?

Or stop loving what you once had?

Or stop thinking what could be?

No.

But it does help you move on and heal you mentally.

Healing emotionally only happens when you realise the past is the past with all the good and bad memories that happened.

But you decide to live in the now and make it as good as you can be.

Do whatever makes you happy most.

Not what your parents want , not what your ex girlfriend wants.

No , do what makes you happy.

And hopefully then you will work towards a great future where you can be happy by yourself.

Will you meet someone else you will fall in love with?

Maybe.

Will you date alot of girls witout emotional attachment if that's what you decide to do?

Probably if you chase hard enough.

But in the end all of that is just extra because you will no longer need someone else to be happy yourself.

And that's really what life is about you know.

Doing what really makes you happy.

Everything else thats good that comes along the way is just something extra that makes you feel even better but it will no longer be the sole reason for happiness alltogether because you will have found it on your own.

 

You know you can get through this man.

You just need something to truely wake you up.

You will always keep your memories and im sure she will always have a place in your heart despite all the bad stuff that happened.

But in time you will no longer hold on to it as you do now.

And you'll find yourself in a way better place.

Just keep committing yourself to take those small steps.

Turn those small steps into bigger steps.

Before you know it ull be in shape and has run the damn marathon itself.

And when you moved that much forward you will see so many great things on the other side you never knew existed.

Goodlucks.

Edited November 29, 2011 by davesterr

[fenderjames]

Excellent posts folks .

[bbronco]

Your post was just the motivation and sentiment I needed to get through this emotional road block of a morning - thank you for the perfect words!

[TheJiltedGeneration]

So update again just to give myself a piece of mind....

 

Handed in my fiction piece, and when I least expected it as I was crossing over the road I saw my ex walking up the street ready to hand her coursework in to registration also. I didnt directly acknowledge/ tilt my head or any other signifier to show that I’ve acknowledged her... just saw her black cardigan unzipped to show a blue plaid top gaiting upwards which only caught passing by my peripheral vision.. but I didnt make a pause or anything and just “marched on”. She might have found the urgency of my strutting humerous I guess, but I just wanted to get out of there before I broke down and display any sentiment towards her.(she would probably would have basked in it tbh).

 

It’s 3 days past my birthday now so that window of reestablishing communication is obviously gone, this confirms everything ... she has moved on indefinitely...

 

Still even so I keep struggling interpersonally on the semantics of her abandon. Of course logically I KNOW she has no feelings and is completely phlegmatic I just hate the fact that I am still preoccupied and quixotically wishful for her sentimental side, even when it goes against the gain she is entrenched in. I don’t see what I find so special about her; she’s intelligent yes but not really a remarkable person, in fact her responses are so textbook that she’s only capable of the one trick pony of distancing in order to solve any problems with us that arises. Simply put she’s a rather weak person. No matter how many times I have transgressed in our relationship, I have always apologised and acknowledged my errors, however she never does.. maybe I am just feeling the fallout of “wanting what I can’t have” but tbh I dont think thats the case. I think its just I can't believe a woman I felt somewhat bonded with ( in certain ways at least except for her apathy..) just slipped away, time is not so much a healer but really a hollow definition of how such moments are so ephermrial , empty and ultimately not worth any investment.

 

no other woman has made me feel this way. She’s unique in her intelligence and creativity and knowledge of things I am quite the avid fan of ( memes and gaming/geek culture I guess to give it a definition) but beyond that as a lover , maybe a potential life partner all she would probably due is remove herself from too intimate of a connection unless something of her own self interest is involved ( anthropomorphic art work, stories ,ect) . I donno it just feels like.. she really was the one, and that bond we briefly had ... was just amazing to me, I’ve never felt so close to a woman before, it felt relieving, I guess I was on such a high from it that I didnt even begin to observe the cracks forming in the deepest reaches of the crooks.

 

This kind of really ultimate rejection after being such a extant tugboat fodder, makes me not WANT to attempt to find another partner as well.. I don’t want to sound sexist but all of them emotionally and relationship wise kind just seem to kind of play the same hand on the table. ( think it would be correct to say all youths not just girls but still I think its just ad homenium really so ignore my stupid feelings, not all girls are like this I know..)

 

They are at first Thrilled, vivacious and enamoured at first then when the feelings wane they just distance themselves to the point of disappearing without any explanation shy from the visual shorthand from the silence itself. I find young people to be so cowardly sometimes I would never want to do that to a person to keep them wantonly hopeful..., but c’est la vie. It just seems impossible to find someone who doesnt think love is merely a one way street therefore only one person needs to be the maintenance man where the other just enjoys the latent attention from it, never will a lover show me a side of caring for at least for my well-being. Women just seem a waste of time now, better to just be self reliant and happy than be burdened with the self-serving trainsient whims and volatility of a ego-centric woman.

 

Thanks guys for the advice, it does honestly help, just I still need to find a away to regiment my emotions which seems impossible. Thanks again davestarr for giving it for how it is, we all know it, just a shame we can’t control our feelings and tbh they seem so adjunct to me, really wish I could regulate them so I can do some productive things in my life, they are so pointless...

Edited December 2, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

urggh 6 weeks since I've stopped looking at her deviant art yet.. more strongly tonight than ever.. what can I say that I havent already told myself... why can't my emotions adapt to this rhetoric.. I just need to even scrap the bottom of the barrel to find something to take my mind off her, anything..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

k so got work in just under a hour, I keep justifying tomyself "oh your just checking for closure" or "oh you never know she was never the type to be open with her feelings she might be keeping to herself.." I donno.. know it will just kill me in the end.. but tbh I don't think anything else will hurt more than how I feel right now.. she's moved on, I know.. but I haven't and I don't know if I can anymore. I want to I want to love myself and think I don't need anybody, but even so the brevity of what we had was just.. I just felt so close to her.. she defunct in some ways but.. I donno

[TheJiltedGeneration]

ok so i did check her page yea it stings quite abit.. also a friend of mine seems to have added her back as friends, I should;nt look to much into but still.. I just gave myself something to think about when I get back to work huh.. great...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

she hasnt updated much so yea couldnt get a broad picture of whats she's been up too. so just gonna keep me guessing.. I 'am really finding it hard to know how the hell to move on, I just wish she wasnt so cold.. do i really deserve this to happen again.. I threw everything I could into this and this is the result..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

... well its been this long.. I want to re-establish contact.. I really miss her.. and I can't think of her being devoid of my life, it just doesnt seem like a lifestyle I want..

 

I just can't but I know she wont be good for me and she will just revert to her old oft-supercilous ways... yea I was in the wrong for segments of our relationship, but so was she, I can't convince myself that I will ever be able to forgo any clear objectives w/o her, I cant think of a life w/o her.. when her mind is not on something ( she does have a one-track mind.. in a way something we have common ground in, though my one-track mind is always on her) she seems like shes really engaged with me.. I donno.. what do I do?

[TheJiltedGeneration]

ok I took abit of a break played some castlevania , looked at one of her posts in one of her game forums in responce to someone supposidly "lambasting" the game, and I kind of got my head together slightly ( I got to be careful doing this I dont want to stalk .. but yea it kind of is.. but some of the things she writes and keeps to herself.. well shes brilliantly intelligent.. like unbelievably.. shame she chooses to keep that away from the limelight.. ) . I still want to talk to her again, but on my terms which means I have to wait for her to make the first move to re-establish contact ( I know she wont, but yea this is the whole point of NC I guess to see if I really mean anything to her..) the reason why this argument established reticence in being the one to make the first move is because, well.. I saw a side of her on that post that seemed to lash out at shadows a bit, the guy was speaking negatively about the game, but there was no need of her to be so vindictive considering that everyone was entitled to there own opinions and to me at least he didnt seem to make a personal attack at her. Yes I agree his arguements where very generalized, but still he conducted himself accordingly to the forums, and wasnt trolling or trying to purposely get under her skin.. so yea think her response was abit unfounded...

 

abit silly all of this I know, but just seeing this rather stubborn and unwieldily attitude reminded me why it didnt work out with us in the first place, she really needs to respect others and respect that people have different opinions. She seems to really misunderstand people sometimes and fixate herself on that prejudice without taking a step back ( I cant say much though.. but then again that was started from a lack of communication on her part).

 

so yea I guess a blessing in disguise there ...

[silly_panda]

Man... NC is for you to take your time off to improve yourself and forget about her... If you are spending your days thinking about her, trying to figure out what she it thinking, waiting for her to contact you first, then I don't see what good NC does to you... You might as well just call her and have a talk with her about EVERYTHING and be done with it...

 

I see many people using NC the wrong way...

[No_Leaders]

Alright man, i know you're hurting. I've been down that very same road i think most people have. The thing is she screwed you over, you need to realize it was her loss and move on. Easier said than done right? Well lemme share my story. 4 years ago (damn i feel old) haha so i had a 4 year long relationship end right around the time i was turning 21. It was horrible, i was depressed turned into an alcoholic, i felt like i didn't want to breathe without her. I had no will, no ambition, no drive. It's tough when you're so emotionally embedded into a person the thing is finding other things to occupy your time. I never got closure from her, she wanted a break cause we had been fighting. During that break she said she still loved me wanted us to work things out, then i fell for her ways believed every word and BAM! She talks to me less and less, deletes me off myspace, and i'm like okay i'm no idiot i know what's up here. Course my gut instinct was right she found someone else.

 

It is what it is, i never got closure, i decided to talk to other girls to get my mind off things. That worked well, along with focusing on writing music (i play guitar soo) things like that are a great outlet. I've been through a few relationships since, actually at the moment dealing with this girl who's being shady as all hell. I reallly like her a lot were not dating but we've been talking for quite a while now and hangout a lot, i'm getting a bad feeling about this. So i'm just gonna keep my options on the table and withdraw a bit so that i'm not setting my hopes to high. Thats how you need to go into every situation my friend. Keep your guard up, keep your defenses up. Life is a battlefield and you need to strive on through it! Talk to multiple girls go on some dates get a good feeling of someone you might have a good connection with but DO NOT get emotionally attached.. it might be easy too since you're looking for something to replace what you lost but if you do that you'll scare any girl away for coming off too strong. Just take it a day at a time brotha! and stop checking your ex's things, cut her out of your life, your mind, your thought process.

[davesterr]

Thanks for being honest with ur posts jilted.

This shows clearly signs of not following up with peoples advice and giving in to your own weakness.

This right here shows how a sane person can go insane.

 

You're putting urself up for alot of hurt.

You think you can't get hurt more?

Just look back at when you just broke up and it felt like the end of the world.

 

You're turning yourself into a stalker , a facebook/deviantart spy.

You're analizing who she adds who she is dating and who she might do all the stuff with that when you find out would kill you.

And yet that's the dirt you're after of finding.

Because u sure as hell know she won't be posting how she wants to get back with you.

Because if she did want that she would've just told you in person.

 

Im not gonna give any more advice as of how things are or what you should do.

Some people never learn , others learn the hard way.

Not sure which of the above you are but in the end it's your life.

All i can tell you , your gonna screw yourself up more and more.

Untill you dig a hole so deep , you wont be able to get out.

Untill you finally snap and confront her and beg her back.

Then you will get rejected again and guess what?

When you thought you couldn't get more hurt , you just did.

Anyways like i said it's your life man.

But if you dont get a grip and stop tormenting yourself , you're gonna regret it.

 

There is no closure in looking at someones fb.

And you are not after closure.

You're unhappy cuz your single.

You're not very popular with women.

That's why you cling on to her like a spineless chicken.

Whether you love her or not doesn't matter.

The only reason you are still here is because ur unhappy.

Untill you find happiness by ur own or with someone else nothing will change.

So stop lieing to yourself by thinking checking her profile will give closure.

Because it will do nothing but make you go insane.

More than you are going already.

 

Listen to silly panda.

If you still let your ex in ur life by looking at her pictures and going through every possible outcome of what or who she is doing.

Then you might aswel break nc and just talk to her.

I mean seriously , nc while doing this crap wont solve anything.

It's like dieting while eating fried food at the same time.

You give yourself hopes and expectations of moving on , yet you make the same mistakes thus getting u nowhere.

If you keep making the same mistakes but expect change , your an idiot.

 

Like i said , listen to silly panda.

Either stop screwing yourself over and get serious.

Or just talk to her and get all ur stuff out.

Everything that you want to know , want to hear , confront her and let everything out. Everything.

No more thinking back of the past after about more stuff u wanna tell her. Get everything out the first time.

Whether she will listen and respond is a different question tho.

But this type of nc that you're doing now is gonna solve nothing.

Edited December 4, 2011 by davesterr

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I haven't contacted her.. yet.. I guess I am not sure what I want from NC anymore, I guess i knew she wouldn't respond... and tbh I DONT WANT TO APPROACH HER NOW.. mainly cause I KNOW what she;s going to say, she seems comfortable w/o me so that is that.. she forgot my birthday, she never apologized.. it's just.. I guess your right... I've never been that close with other people I really want to have that stalwart sense of independence just.. I still can't think of a life w/o her.. like every day I invent scenarios where she's made amends and silly things like that.. I threw all my eggs in any basket I could find to try and get over her, learn japanese, play loads of computer games , write reviews.. , ect,ect.. her memory still remains.. no matter what I do.. and I don't know ,,

 

 

it was only that one day, beyond that I did avoid her page for upwards of 6 weeks...

yea.. I know it doesnt matter, its still giving in.. well I donno

I've deleted my facebook, I am not going to acknowledge her birthday ( january the 8th) as she seemed oblivious to mine... I'll try and watch, read, follow more reviewers and do something productive, but even after 6 months I just feel empty.. nothing is riveting or something I feel passionate about, it is ( like I said) papering over the cracks. I dont really want to try my luck with other women, cause I kind of feel like it will end the same way, alot of young people dont know what they want these days, and obviously I aint quite the image of a alpha male.

 

this kind of cycle tends to repeat itself. I gave myself a pep talk of learning my lessons with other women and her as the girls that seemed interested in me all seem to respond the same way.. and learning to be happy single, but still even while trying to veer forward on this.. no matter what i do, be it based with hatred or fondness, her memory still clashed on to me..

 

 

I think what I had there was what alot of people would call a lapse of insanity... heh actually I've had a few for the past 2 years.. it's just seems hopeless.... 23 years old and I dont see myself with anyone in the near future, I dont see a future... I am not amazingly attractive, or tall, or witty or charming.... I have none of these traits in spades or better but also looking at the other spectrum, a lot of other type of people with potential interest just seem false anyway or have there own agenda.. I've always had a reticence with engaging with groups of people from past experience..

 

I want to be self reliant, hell I would give anything to be asexual or have none of the emotions that have turned me to a basketcase, as like I said they just seem so adjunct and contribute to everything than being wasteful element of my life...

 

 

I know we all are going through this, there are no quick fix answers, maybe guiding, but no getting over this over night, but its been ... over half a year since we've really been in close contact.. and yet I still can't move on.. this senario has happened so many times its almost impossible to digest.. just how predictable this all this.. I 've had horrible thoughts of anger involving her.. I've had fondness and wishful ones.. yet this cycle does not want to stop, I have to force myself out of bed sometimes or have my stepdad constantly badgering on outside my door...

 

 

this is all self-serving boo ho my life is so bad kind of **** i know, we all are in the same boat. PLEASE dont think all this advice was not on my agenda.. it was, I tried to follow it, I tried to tweek my thoughts into realism, its not my logic thats the problem is my emotions, I donno maybe I should start taking anti depressants again ( didn't really work last time) or something... I just want this to be over.. and I want to be strong independent and better than her.. when I think about it, when I first started uni I was way more level headed, and perhaps more engaged in my course before I met her or begin to take it to the next level.. I guess when looking back at it that was my first sprout of independence and willing-fullness to stand on my own two feet... everytime a girl does this to me it takes me too long to get over it... it almost feels like the whole perpose of her coming into my life was to destroy this aspiration I had.. as since then uni has never been on my mind, hell this repeats itself over and over and over.. with every woman and it always seems timed to big changes in my life.. I've done decently in uni but think.. if she wasnt there at all I could have done way better...

 

 

tbh Iam just self indulging right now so I will end it here.. it's just really hard to find that silver lining guys.. especially considering just how ineffectual my being seems to be in the minds of other women.. ( or in a way beyond using me for some motive or other..).. I just wish I could find someone new and genuine... or someone who could love me for me.. not because of the attention I give them.. is my thought process a self designed amalgamation of qualities I would consider to make that perfect rapport with another person or does someone like that really exist, I dont know what to think anymore..

Edited December 4, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[davesterr]

Don't feel like you can't post anymore.

If you got feelings you wanna share or let out then let it out.

That's why this forum is made.

 

But really man , you are looking for happiness with someone else.

If life has taught anything to you , me or all of us here is that that is a risky move.

You know how shallow and fake people can be.

How everyone only has their self best interest at heart and not yours.

So waiting for someone else to make you happy is dangerous.

And since we can't control when it will happen it is really useless to wait on it.

 

Like i said man , you gotta find a purpose , a reason to living this life on your own.

If you can't then you wil always depend on someone else.

And when you depend you can be let down.

 

You already know what you need to know.

Maybe anti-depressents work but the best way is to fix what's causing the depression in the first place.

Get out of your comfort zone and face all your fears.

Maybe that includes talking to your ex if you want to let it out.

If your guts and instincts tell you you have to talk to her , you have to ask for 1 last closure then do it.

I don't know the outcome but just listen to what your inner voice wants you to do.

Maybe you want to improve yourself , become more charming or better looking or whatever you are after , who knows , just do what you fear.

 

I do know though when you finish university , get your stuff and get the hell out of there and find a good job.

The further you are from your ex , when you know you won't run into her.

And accept life as it is that you are no longer and will no longer be together.

Things will improve.

Untill then , stay strong.

 

And ps: Sorry if i sounded mean in my previous post.

Believe me i been where you are.

I fell in the reptition cycle.

And i know how much it hurts.

I want you to feel better more than anyone man , thats why i try so hard to give you my best insights.

It's just , when someone feels so low , so weak , being depressed is only gonna make it worse you know.

You need to snap out of it and wake up.

Find the courage or strength to do whatever you feel like doing.

So don't take my post wrong , it wasn't ment to upset or sound mean.

I just don't want you crawling in a hole you dig yourself cuz i know you're better than that.

You're just hurt and in a bad messed up situation.

But it's the past you know.

Only when you made peace and accept , can one let go.

And only when their current life is better than their past life , can they be happy.

I don't know what it takes for you to get there , only you know.

But whatever it is , do it.

Don't just sit here behind your computer because it won't do you any good.

Edited December 4, 2011 by davesterr

[TheJiltedGeneration]

 

You know how shallow and fake people can be.

How everyone only has their self best interest at heart and not yours.

So waiting for someone else to make you happy is dangerous.

And since we can't control when it will happen it is really useless to wait on it.

.

 

yea that sentance alone is echoing through my mind right now, it does underpin what I've been doing, all this time, I dont know what programed my mind to be this overly wishful, tv, movies, heck even anime.. but yea reality unfortunately doesnt hold up, people aren't as genuine I guess, and really being around alot of friends and some friends who are really using ppl to get over other people and for transition purposes.. *sigh* it's really hard to de-program this entrenched kind of viewpoint just because of how seemingly wonderful it sounds. a way to end all emptiness .. though really even when in a relationship in rl it doesnt even do that.. it's so quixotic and silly I guess...

 

 

thanks for being so forebearing Davestarr d/w about aplying abit of school of hard knocks.. it is what is is.. I don't need people to pat me on the back, I need them to be straight and honest yet with the best interest at heart, and thats what you've been doing all this time. for that I am grateful and I guess we could all ruminate about the past and how it affects us now, but I guess we would never move on.. I need to go maybe take a break for a while ( get of the computer as you say) it's hard to get out and go since most of my life routine is set on being abit of a hermit, but I guess I just need to press forward..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

so yea a little update on my mentality just to give myself a piece of mind, learnt alot from looking at ex's pages a few days ago and now committed to abolishing any form of communication ( be it shorthands into her current life via facebook or what she's drawing on deviant art) as really it's not going to cause clarity for me but instead make me urge the need to reestablish contact even more.

 

think sleep might have a part to play in enthusiasm to do things, I want get a few things done early so gonna try and sleep earlier I guess. Play more castlevania games ( finished 7 of the games in just under a month and got curse of darkness and dawn of sorrow on the way)

 

I did a bit of foresight into the tangibility of a reconciliation in the back of my head today, and tbh after the way she treated me why should I allow her back in my life. could I trust her not to vacate again when the strain starts to mound again when the only way she knows how to solve any hardship is to simply walk away from it?. Is that a quality I want in a woman? never direct unless I ask for it?. how could I trust her again if I know she doesnt have the ability to approach me with directness because of the innumerable times she's has clearly shown her feelings of security in circumvention.. Also do I want her to say really damaging things again without taking responsibility for it ever? is that what a caring person does? assume they are completely in the right all the time? *sigh* It just couldn't happen realistically..

 

there is NO evidence I can think of to show she could change anyway... It's in the numbers so why bother being so wishful she will have a change of heart..

 

gonna see if I can do something productive for the next hour.. then..... go to sleep... take care all.. sorry I was such a p***y last week....