Compartamentalizing?

[Bunnyslopes]

I posted the following (my experience with my fMM) in another thread, but would be interested in hearing other people's experiences with compartmentalizing - either them doing it, others doing it, etc. Is it generally a coping mechanism? A symptom of a bad relationship? A result of no integrity?

 

I've spent more time trying to understand my own part in my A, and have only recently gotten around to thinking how it might have affected the MM I was involved with.

 

He generally just described his marriage as "flat" and would constantly refer to how he didn't seem to know the rules at home and so was always breaking them. He works a rather unusual set of jobs that take him away from home for about 5-8 months out of the year. I think he is someone who has good intentions and when his wife last month started questioning him about his feelings for me, he pulled away from me but tried to keep contact. I think he is confused and for a while I tried to support him (he is also in a grieving process for a dying family member). But I realized that if I supported him and all these heavy things - a 20+ year marriage and a loss of a family member and other things, I'd lose myself in the process. I also told him that by me staying in his life, he wouldn't be facing the issues he needs to face with his marriage - and then things become my fault, which is something I'm not prepared to handle. I did say these to him and afterward, felt like I'd given myself the closure I needed.

 

The questions that I have that will forever go unanswered have more to do with his behavior. I've been reading a lot of these forums and the concept of compartmentalization is very interesting to me. On a theoretical level it makes sense, but on a personal level it is hard to understand. Here is what I'm talking about - This MM and I met on a remote job site (we work different jobs, but happened to be in the same spot) and we had a mutual interest and he invited me to come help out with his family business the following year (also in a remote location and not near where I live). As I think I described in a previous thread, he has 6 children and his family is Mormon. All the older children help with the family business and the youngest ones still live at home.

 

The MM fell head over heals for me in the short span of time that I was there and the morning our relationship became physical (in a sort of bunk house where his oldest children were also sleeping), he brought me home to his house. He held hands with me in front of his daughter. I babysat his kids, took them shopping, helped make dinner with his wife and she and I even had a conversation about marriage after he fell asleep on the couch. I was in shock and disbelief over the disconnect. I generally react either very quickly (I've got a terrible temper) or slowly... and in this case I felt like I was in a different world and my brain and decisions were muddled.

 

I didn't understand what he was going through - I felt like a trainwreck on the inside and he was so put together. It almost felt like he was trying to get caught, or like he was flagrantly misbehaving like a kid because he was expected to break the rules. I don't know, but it was too heavy for me. I couldn't handle it anymore and ended up leaving early - and the rest of the relationship (total of 5 months) was over phone and texts. That part seemed more normal, he was no longer working the family business and had gone back to the job where he travels and so his phone calls and texting was all done when he wasn't at home. I just still don't understand what the hell happened those days that I was at his home. It makes me worried about him and his ability to compartmentalize so severely. I think part of my intrigue with him was trying to understand how someone can do that - I've always been drawn to people who are full of contradictions, but usually not in a romantic relationship.

 

[SoMovinOn]

I think for some, compartmentalizing is a coping mechanism - it's how they are "ok" with what they are doing. For others, it's just how they keep their two lives separated. For others, it's a means of helping them keep the secret, avoid lies... it could be a combination of some or all of the above too.