"Men don’t want to “talk about it”, we just want to be left alone"

[SecretlySad]

What is it with men and this?

 

Not all men of course, but a lot I seem to have encountered. Isn’t communication the key? If you can’t talk, what do you have?

 

Whenever there is a problem in our relationship my guy completely shuts me out.

 

If e.g. I do something to upset him, instead of talking to me about it he locks himself away in our bedroom and gives me the silent treatment. I always give him his time alone thinking after a while he will be ready to talk, but he never does. He continues to ignore me and bites my head off if I even suggest that we need to talk about this.

 

Then he pretends nothing happened. I don't bother bringing it up again because I know it is going to get me nowhere. ¾ of the time I don't even know what it is I've done because he wont talk to me, then gets mad if I don't apologise!

 

He makes me feel like everything bad in our relationship is my fault. If HE does something to upset ME and I let him know I'm hurt, rather than try and talk it through with me he tells me if I am going to be "cranky" all day then he doesn't want to be around me. I feel like I have to be this robot that's only ever happy and smiling and laughing.

 

The WORST thing about this is if I say to him "you never want to talk about anything" he seems to be shocked, insulted and COMPLETELY denies it.

 

I have even heard "if you need to talk, go to your sister or best friend, not to him" from people. I NEED to be able to talk things out with my partner.

 

I would never suggest couple's counseling - he thinks any sort of counseling is for "crazy people". I'm not sure what else to do

[norajane]

He doesn't know how to deal with conflict in a relationship. He avoids, deflects, and turns it around to attack you and make you the bad guy. He's an immature little boy.

 

Maybe he had parents who treated him like sunshine came out of his ass and he was never wrong. Or maybe it's the opposite and his parents always made him feel like he wasn't good enough or something. It doesn't matter, since he isn't interested in working through any issues.

 

Not every man is like this. You have one who is. You don't have to stay with him, you really don't.

 

But be very clear: he won't change. This is who he is.

[SecretlySad]

He doesn't know how to deal with conflict in a relationship. He avoids, deflects, and turns it around to attack you and make you the bad guy. He's an immature little boy.

 

YES! This is precisely what happens.

 

I don’t know how to deal with it. The man is 46 years old. Everything else about him is so mature and worldly, but then there is this other insecure, immature little boy side.

[Woggle]

Because sometimes having discussions like this with women is like being arrested. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

[SecretlySad]

Because sometimes having discussions like this with women is like being arrested. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

 

Sooooooo where to, then? The problem should just be ignored and unresolved?

 

I am not one of those kind of women anyway. I hate my mistakes being thrown back in my face just as much as anyone would, so I don't do it to others.

[norajane]

YES! This is precisely what happens.

 

I don’t know how to deal with it. The man is 46 years old. Everything else about him is so mature and worldly, but then there is this other insecure, immature little boy side.

 

There is no way to deal with it. Either you can accept it, and accept a relationship like the one you have with him right now, or you have to walk away.

 

He will not change - this is how he is.

[ScienceGal]

What is it with men and this?

 

Not all men of course, but a lot I seem to have encountered. Isn’t communication the key? If you can’t talk, what do you have?

 

Whenever there is a problem in our relationship my guy completely shuts me out.

 

If e.g. I do something to upset him, instead of talking to me about it he locks himself away in our bedroom and gives me the silent treatment. I always give him his time alone thinking after a while he will be ready to talk, but he never does. He continues to ignore me and bites my head off if I even suggest that we need to talk about this.

 

Then he pretends nothing happened. I don't bother bringing it up again because I know it is going to get me nowhere. ¾ of the time I don't even know what it is I've done because he wont talk to me, then gets mad if I don't apologise!

 

He makes me feel like everything bad in our relationship is my fault. If HE does something to upset ME and I let him know I'm hurt, rather than try and talk it through with me he tells me if I am going to be "cranky" all day then he doesn't want to be around me. I feel like I have to be this robot that's only ever happy and smiling and laughing.

 

The WORST thing about this is if I say to him "you never want to talk about anything" he seems to be shocked, insulted and COMPLETELY denies it.

 

I have even heard "if you need to talk, go to your sister or best friend, not to him" from people. I NEED to be able to talk things out with my partner.

 

I would never suggest couple's counseling - he thinks any sort of counseling is for "crazy people". I'm not sure what else to do

 

This is my ex EXACTLY. I took me months after the break up to see I was in a losing battle. I will NEVER, EVER be in a situation like that again. So... all you "nice guys" posting on here about how you can't find a date because all women want men that are bad for them, bologna! I'm here and there are other women like me! But I digress.

 

If you cannot communicate, the relationship will fail. Or you will drive yourself into an emotional black hole trying to keep it together. It's ok for him to have trouble communicating, but a complete lack of trying is unacceptable. Give and take... not just take!

 

How long have you been together? Are you married? Are there kids involved?

[SecretlySad]

This is my ex EXACTLY. I took me months after the break up to see I was in a losing battle. I will NEVER, EVER be in a situation like that again. So... all you "nice guys" posting on here about how you can't find a date because all women want men that are bad for them, bologna! I'm here and there are other women like me! But I digress.

 

If you cannot communicate, the relationship will fail. Or you will drive yourself into an emotional black hole trying to keep it together. It's ok for him to have trouble communicating, but a complete lack of trying is unacceptable. Give and take... not just take!

 

How long have you been together? Are you married? Are there kids involved?

 

Really? I’d love to talk more. If you’d like

 

I constantly struggle with trying not to blame myself. We have been together for 7 years and I am at the point where I find it hard to have any confidence about how I feel. I don’t know if my feelings are valid because he always makes me feel like they aren’t, like I am going nuts and I just need to “lay off”.

 

Please keep in mind I am not a nagger, I don’t yell, I don’t do any of that girl-related stuff. I just want to talk. I would never give him the silent treatment like he does to me. He says “if you don’t know I am not going to tell you” 100% more than I do!

 

No marriage, no kids. Don’t want either.

[D-Lish]

Because sometimes having discussions like this with women is like being arrested. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

 

You're right, it's better to just live in silence with your partner and pretend everything is okay while choosing to tell strangers on the internet your private feelings.

[ScienceGal]

7 years is a long time. I spent 3.5 years with a man that would act like this, and was an angry drunk. It was hard to get away. I dated a couple men after him (much better) and then got with my ex for 6 months. He is the one that is exactly what you described.

 

He said that my wanting to talk about things was disrespectful to him and that I wasn't treating him as an equal. He wanted to be left alone and talk about things when he felt like it (which was never). We had 2 major fights and I realized that his reasoning was pretty much just opening the door for complete mistreatment of me with zero accountability on his part. Basically, I could never say anything that he didn't like. And he acted as though all of my opinions were ridiculous and inaccurate. If I were a Stepford Wife, he would have adored me.

 

The problem I found was that he couldn't accept any blame, ever, and that's an unhealthy place to be. In all relationships mistakes are made on both ends. It's how you communicate and resolve them that moves the partnership forward. If your guy thinks he's perfect, there is no resolution. I think counseling is a great idea, I just don't know how you'd convince him. If he won't go, then I have to agree with Nora, he can't change and you should move on. Get in to counseling yourself if you aren't already. You deserve better.

 

 

[Woggle]

You're right, it's better to just live in silence with your partner and pretend everything is okay while choosing to tell strangers on the internet your private feelings.

I don't think that but if you have one of these discussions the mans thought should be heard as well instead of it just being her talking him all the things he does wrong while he just sits there and nods.

[ScienceGal]

I don't think that but if you have one of these discussions the mans thought should be heard as well instead of it just being her talking him all the things he does wrong while he just sits there and nods.

 

You seem to be describing nagging.

 

When there is an actual argument over something legitimate, both people need to be heard and respected, that's all. Sounds easy, but is actually difficult for most. In emotional conversations there are many roles people can default to: the crier, the screamer/vulgar one, the deflector/blamer, the one who walks out, the physical one (either punches the wall or punches you). I've dealt with all of these (I'm the crier, as I am usually dealing with someone who has one of the other behaviors I've described).

 

The goal always has to be to repair what is broken, and that means being honest and stepping outside one's own ego. I have no problem doing this... I'm still waiting for someone who can reciprocate that. And lets face it, some people are so far down the line of being damaged it's actually unhealthy to try to maintain a relationship with them. Also, sometimes both people can really be trying but the difference in opinion is just too great to repair.

[SecretlySad]

I don't think that but if you have one of these discussions the mans thought should be heard as well instead of it just being her talking him all the things he does wrong while he just sits there and nods.

 

The last time we had a disagreement/argument was over something he thought he’d heard me say. Turns out he had heard wrong, yet still had no problem ignoring me for a day. When I finally asked him what was wrong and let him know I hadn’t said what he thought I did, I didn’t get much of an apology. Now if the shoe was on the other foot, he’d still be punishing me with snide remarks now.

 

I sat him down and calmly told him that if he thinks I have said something to offend/upset him, he needs to let me know, he can’t just shut me out like he just had. I said we need to be able to talk about things.

 

I thought he was really listening to me. He was quiet and seemed to be really taking it all in, until after I had finished telling him how I felt he said “Are you done? Are you done making me feel like ****?”.

 

I am a very calm person. I don’t yell or scream or name call or anything like that. If someone yells at me I hate it, it scares me. I become a little girl again. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. If I was to dare do any of these things to him he’d be outraged. HE on the other hand seems to think it’s ok to yell, point his finger in my face and totally shut me out.

 

He said that my wanting to talk about things was disrespectful to him

 

He wanted to be left alone and talk about things when he felt like it (which was never).

 

Basically, I could never say anything that he didn't like. And he acted as though all of my opinions were ridiculous and inaccurate.

 

It’s freaky – this is him to a T!

 

I could never understand why he was calling me “disrespectful” for wanting to sort out our issues!!

 

The minute I say something he doesn’t like, that’s it. The wall goes up and our discussion stops.

 

What I have always struggled with is the denial. Like I said in my OP, he genuinely seems shocked and insulted when I suggest he never wants to talk about anything. Once again making me feel like I am nuts.

[jnc3]

I'm not a guy, but sometimes I need space to be on my own to process emotions (especially if they are turbulent ones). I don't want to say or do anything I won't be able to take back, so most of the time when there is conflict I recede into myself, then come out and discuss it when I've processed my emotions. I am told that I'm "guy like" though when it comes to feelings, and I don't like "talking about my feelings", even to my friends.

[BillieAnn]

Is archetypal. It originates from prehistoric times. Men think more when they are alone. Women do it with verbalization.

[Woggle]

Is archetypal. It originates from prehistoric times. Men think more when they are alone. Women do it with verbalization.

 

This explains why I come up with my best ideas in the shower. I am standing there with my mind working on overdrive.

[SecretlySad]

You sound like a sour, naggy, self centered b...c.

 

WOW, I don’t think that was necessary.

 

I am none of those things. I came on here for advice. What should I do, list the good things about him then end my OP with “oh and he doesn’t ever communicate with me, how can I deal with that?”

[SecretlySad]

Look in the mirror. Get off his back. Women like you drive guys into a shell. "I sat him down and..." What a patronizing way to speak about communicating. He's not a pet dog.

 

YOU need to learn to communicate properly.

 

Women like me? Please tell me... what are the traits of a woman like me? And what do you suggest??

 

I don’t nag.

I don’t yell.

I don’t scream.

I don’t name call.

I have never given him the silent treatment.

I never push the issue.

I don’t hold past mistakes over him (he does to me though).

I don’t punish him.

 

When I look at how other women treat their partners I am appalled. Emotionally abusive. I could never do that.

 

I am telling you, he never wants to talk. EVER. The most I have done was ask him to sit down and talk with me because we NEED to be able to talk about things. He ignores me, pretends I’m not even there. I just wait it out until he’s in a good mood again and then get on with things, pretending nothing happened. I HATE doing that, but I know if I say to him “I’d like to talk about earlier” he will just get mad and shut me out again. I make myself sick. I am like a little girl around him, so softly spoken, pathetic and frightened when I want to talk about things. He has made me feel like anything I say is irrelevant.

 

He needs to learn to deal with conflict rather than running from it all the time. This poster was spot on, he makes me the bad guy - just like you're doing right now:

 

He doesn't know how to deal with conflict in a relationship. He avoids, deflects, and turns it around to attack you and make you the bad guy. He's an immature little boy.

 

"Sat him down" was just a term, I have never forced him to do anything.

 

I am SICK of driving myself crazy blaming myself for this. I have done it for years.

 

NOT ANY MORE.

Edited November 29, 2011 by SecretlySad

[somedude81]

I constantly struggle with trying not to blame myself. We have been together for 7 years and I am at the point where I find it hard to have any confidence about how I feel.

Seven years?! Seriously? Why have you put up with this crap for so long?

 

I do not get why women seem to get stuck in bad relationships. There are millions of other men that would be glad to date you, and give you what you need.

[freestyle]

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

A lot of the behaviors you described sound like passive-aggression, taken to the extreme..........Stonewalling, withholding, etc.

 

Like him getting mad at you, but not letting you know WHAT he's mad about--expecting you to be a mind-reader.

 

And resorting to "punishing" you with the silent treatment--(which IS emotional abuse)

(taking a time out to cool off, is fine---refusing to speak to someone for days is ridiculous--especially when they've been left twisting in the wind, not knowing what's going on)

 

The silent treatment doesn't allow for any resolution of conflict---it's all about "getting back" at the other person. It's a no-win situation.And it's a very controlling behavior.

 

But somehow , you're always the "bad guy".........

 

 

OP, only you can decide if you want to continue to invest in a relationship with someone who's emotionally unavailable. I think it will be an uphill battle, especially if your bf wants to deny that there's even an issue.

 

Hey, it's working out great for him---he's got you tip-toeing around, walking on eggshells---trying to schedule emotional intimacy around HIS needs, and on HIS terms.And ONLY his terms. And scared to open your mouth, for fear of upsetting him.Upsetting the status quo. So his behavior is being rewarded.......

 

...........BUT---you can change that. You can't control him, but you can choose what you will and won't tolerate.

 

OP--I'd like to recommend that you do some reading on passive controlling behavior, and passive aggression---I think it could shed some light on what you're dealing with.

[carhill]

Move on to someone with a more compatible communication and relationship style. He's 46. It ain't changin' for him.

 

I call this an irreconcilable elemental incompatibility. That he thinks professional psychological counseling is for *crazy* people says volumes about his perspective.

[SecretlySad]

Seven years?! Seriously? Why have you put up with this crap for so long?

 

I do not get why women seem to get stuck in bad relationships. There are millions of other men that would be glad to date you, and give you what you need.

 

First of all, I have no confidence. People can tell me over and over how I can do so much better and I don’t deserve something, but actually convincing me is another thing. I grew up in a household where I was beaten down verbally. Called names, told I would amount to nothing by my father. That kind of stuff sticks with you.

 

And now here I am, with a man who makes me feel like everything is my fault – and I believe it. Believe I am not worthy.

 

Plus, there IS another side to him. A kind, sweet, loving side which I have never experienced before with any other man. He’s not just the ogre I have described here. When things are great between us they are WONDERFUL, but on the flip side, when they’re bad they’re horrible.

 

It doesn’t help that I live at HIS house either (a stupid lovestruck mistake by me).

 

A lot of the behaviors you described sound like passive-aggression, taken to the extreme..........Stonewalling, withholding, etc.

 

Like him getting mad at you, but not letting you know WHAT he's mad about--expecting you to be a mind-reader.

 

This is a frequent thing. He has said “if you don’t know I’m not going to tell you” more than any woman I’ve ever known. I say I DON’T know, that’s why I’m asking, but he just shuts me out.

 

And resorting to "punishing" you with the silent treatment--(which IS emotional abuse)

(taking a time out to cool off, is fine---refusing to speak to someone for days is ridiculous--especially when they've been left twisting in the wind, not knowing what's going on)

 

It happened for 2 days once. He didn’t speak a word to me. When I finally asked him what was going on he said he didn’t like how I’d spoken to him regarding something. He couldn’t just TELL me that like a grown man, he had to leave me feeling sick for 2 days wondering what the hell I’d done. I feel like his daughter rather than his girlfriend sometimes. He can yell and scream at me all he wants, but if I even slightly raise my voice, I’m being disrespectful.

 

Thanks for taking the time to give me all your advice freestyle.

[carhill]

I just went back and found this opinion I gave not three weeks ago. Remarkably similar to the one I posted just prior, and I hadn't searched the OP's history at that point, which I did just now. The rest of that thread is worth a read for respondents as well, IMO.

 

Hope it works out

[freestyle]

Secretly sad---what do you think would be some positive steps you could take to increase your confidence?

 

(I"m not expecting you to answer that here, either, if you don't want to---I'm nudging you to think about it for yourself.....)

 

I understand having the negative programming instilled during childhood, also.

 

It's difficult to overcome, but not impossible. It's a series of steps you need to take. Your self-esteem is up to you, no one else can change your self-image.

 

The healthier you become internally---the healthier your relationships will be.

[SecretlySad]

I just went back and found this opinion I gave not three weeks ago. Remarkably similar to the one I posted just prior, and I hadn't searched the OP's history at that point, which I did just now. The rest of that thread is worth a read for respondents as well, IMO.

 

Hope it works out

 

Thank you again for your opinion, carhill Although I hope your directing them to that thread doesn’t fuel the fire for people who already appear to hate me on here