"Men don’t want to “talk about it”, we just want to be left alone"

[SecretlySad]

Secretly sad---what do you think would be some positive steps you could take to increase your confidence?

 

(I"m not expecting you to answer that here, either, if you don't want to---I'm nudging you to think about it for yourself.....)

 

I am not too sure. I have tried to make myself feel more confident in various ways, but I always revert back to my meek self.

[freestyle]

I am not too sure. I have tried to make myself feel more confident in various ways, but I always revert back to my meek self.

 

Is IC an option for you?

 

It could be that your self-esteem has been damaged by being in a relationship where your point of view is never heard or acknowledged. Being continually invalidated just drags you down more and more.

 

If you decide to get out of your current relationship, you may find it easier to feel good about yourself, and set healthy boundaries for future relationships.

[SecretlySad]

Is IC an option for you?

 

It could be that your self-esteem has been damaged by being in a relationship where your point of view is never heard or acknowledged. Being continually invalidated just drags you down more and more.

 

If you decide to get out of your current relationship, you may find it easier to feel good about yourself, and set healthy boundaries for future relationships.

 

Sorry, I’m not familiar with what IC is??

 

I agree. It’s just finding the initial strength to get out of it. I tell myself every weekend that this is the weekend I am finally going to do it.

[carhill]

IC= individual (psychological) counseling

[Lurkers1983]

I'm still not getting this. He never communicated any feelings, expectations because he doesn't know how? You decided to fall in love and live with a rock...a stick? now you are frustrated because you expect a rock to learn to communicate?

 

I'm more inclined to say he has shut off.

 

Do you want solutions or just folks to hold your hand and agree that you are a victim?

 

I'm not trying to be smutty here and normally don't write like this . But my girlfriend knows exactly how to get me to talk. She gets that smirk on her face and promises me a slow, long .....if I 'get the right answer'. It gets us both laughing and breaks any tension. We can actually have a conversation while she's 'doing the deed'. Try approaching your guy as his sexy slutty girlfriend and not some angst-filled victim or his mother.

 

Honey, I think you have some of your own personal issues to deal with if you're projecting this "playing the victim" mentality on to everybody.

 

Seriously, anything with boobs and a vagina is a nagging victim to martinman and yukon.

[Lurkers1983]

He makes me feel like everything bad in our relationship is my fault. If HE does something to upset ME and I let him know I'm hurt, rather than try and talk it through with me he tells me if I am going to be "cranky" all day then he doesn't want to be around me. I feel like I have to be this robot that's only ever happy and smiling and laughing.

 

This sounds like gaslighting and he's guilting you. He's also not seeing that it takes two to tango. Both partners need to acknowledge their part in arguments. If one partner entirely blames the other, that can be considered manipulation.

 

If he can't communicate and doesn't want to learn, than that's what you're going to get. Just decide if this is what you can put up with or if you want to move on. There are plenty of men out there that don't guilt you or will minimize your feelings.

[Lurkers1983]

First of all, I have no confidence. People can tell me over and over how I can do so much better and I don’t deserve something, but actually convincing me is another thing. I grew up in a household where I was beaten down verbally. Called names, told I would amount to nothing by my father. That kind of stuff sticks with you.

 

And now here I am, with a man who makes me feel like everything is my fault – and I believe it. Believe I am not worthy.

 

Plus, there IS another side to him. A kind, sweet, loving side which I have never experienced before with any other man. He’s not just the ogre I have described here. When things are great between us they are WONDERFUL, but on the flip side, when they’re bad they’re horrible.

 

It doesn’t help that I live at HIS house either (a stupid lovestruck mistake by me).

 

 

 

This is a frequent thing. He has said “if you don’t know I’m not going to tell you” more than any woman I’ve ever known. I say I DON’T know, that’s why I’m asking, but he just shuts me out.

 

 

 

It happened for 2 days once. He didn’t speak a word to me. When I finally asked him what was going on he said he didn’t like how I’d spoken to him regarding something. He couldn’t just TELL me that like a grown man, he had to leave me feeling sick for 2 days wondering what the hell I’d done. I feel like his daughter rather than his girlfriend sometimes. He can yell and scream at me all he wants, but if I even slightly raise my voice, I’m being disrespectful.

 

Thanks for taking the time to give me all your advice freestyle.

 

 

 

Sorry for the triple post, but you are describing the HONEYMOON PHASE. People like him can be very sweet. Everybody has a good side. Even serial killers can be sweet, friendly, helpful and charming (John Wayne Gacy).

 

But, that doesn't mean you have to put up with his other traits. There are much better people out there. You can find a man that's amazing instead of someone that's "sweet sometimes."

[SecretlySad]

This sounds like gaslighting and he's guilting you. He's also not seeing that it takes two to tango. Both partners need to acknowledge their part in arguments. If one partner entirely blames the other, that can be considered manipulation.

 

He never takes blame or responsibility for anything. Even when I know I am the one in the right, I will apologise to him just so he will start speaking to me again.

 

He guilts me AND makes me feel ashamed of myself if I want to do something he doesn’t like.

 

A few years ago a girlfriend invited me to take a pole dancing fitness class with her. When I told him I wanted to do it he was very unhappy and told me only “sluts and single mothers” do things like that. He made me feel so dirty that I lied to her and said I couldn’t afford it.

 

He has also told me things like “if you’re going to go to a party dressed basically as a prostitute, not even the police would jump in if 5 guys were raping you because they’d be able to see why” when I told him I wanted to go to a dress up party as a pin up rockabilly girl.

 

He is never like this around anyone else though. Everyone loves him. Oh if our female friends only knew he felt this way.

 

No need to say sorry for the triple post, I like all the advice. Thank you

Edited November 30, 2011 by SecretlySad

[DonCanard]

Men withdraw in to an emotional cave to regroup, think things through and then come our fighting. Women flounder about emotionally, talking to others about it and then reach out to their partner.

 

This is where the problem arises. The man wants to be left alone, but she innocently reaches in to the cave, trying to stay in contact with him. This pisses him off, he snaps at her and she backs off, wounded and confused. He's annoyed by her intrusion.

 

The two styles are incompatible. Only education will bridge the gap.

 

I've only recently learned this.

[Woggle]

Men withdraw in to an emotional cave to regroup, think things through and then come our fighting. Women flounder about emotionally, talking to others about it and then reach out to their partner.

 

This is where the problem arises. The man wants to be left alone, but she innocently reaches in to the cave, trying to stay in contact with him. This pisses him off, he snaps at her and she backs off, wounded and confused. He's annoyed by her intrusion.

 

The two styles are incompatible. Only education will bridge the gap.

 

I've only recently learned this.

 

This is true in some cases but some men also know that these emotional talks are usually just a rigged game that will have the man in the bad guy position no matter what he does. It's like trying to win a race with no finish line.

[SecretlySad]

Men withdraw in to an emotional cave to regroup, think things through and then come our fighting. Women flounder about emotionally, talking to others about it and then reach out to their partner.

 

This is where the problem arises.

 

No. The problem that arises is that there is no “think things through then come out fighting” with him. It is more a case of “shut her out then never talk about it again”.

[freestyle]

No. The problem that arises is that there is no “think things through then come out fighting” with him. It is more a case of “shut her out then never talk about it again”.

 

Yep, it sounds like you're dealing with stonewalling---which is completely refusing to discuss anything viewed as uncomfortable.It's basically treating the other party as if their point of view is irrelevant.

 

It's one thing for a guy to retreat to 'his cave' -to think things through , regroup, and not feel put on the spot.

 

It's ANOTHER thing entirely when there's a complete REFUSAL to communicate---followed by pretending nothing was ever said---(sweep it under the rug, and don't deal with it)

 

There can be no resolution of conflict when stonewalling is happening.It's all about "shutting the other person up".

[andtheyslept]

The weird thing is, that exactly how my ex was.. and I'm a guy

[LZ2000]

I am not a stranger to conflict and disagreements and I pretty much grew up having to deal with them for a long time in my life. I have made it a strong uncompromising point to deal with them in a manner that is respectful and dignified.

 

Me and my ex broke up not too long ago.

 

When we were together, I did all that I can to ensure communication between the both of us was fair, constructive and supportive. Sure, we have our quarrels but I never excused myself to be lenient on my personal values, at times it is disappointing to see my ex be so immature about it. And then I found out she now had a new relationship with someone else.

 

It was really insulting to me, I felt I wasted my time and energy.

[soulm8]

I am not a stranger to conflict and disagreements and I pretty much grew up having to deal with them for a long time in my life. I have made it a strong uncompromising point to deal with them in a manner that is respectful and dignified.

 

Me and my ex broke up not too long ago.

 

When we were together, I did all that I can to ensure communication between the both of us was fair, constructive and supportive. Sure, we have our quarrels but I never excused myself to be lenient on my personal values, at times it is disappointing to see my ex be so immature about it. And then I found out she now had a new relationship with someone else.

 

It was really insulting to me, I felt I wasted my time and energy.

 

Wow! I so empathize with that. I've found it really helps to focus on the fact that I did my best to be fair, constructive and supportive. Spending time and energy on proper communication and relating to a partner isn't a waste - it's a valuable learning experience and prepares you all the more for the right person. It just feels terrible when you realize your efforts with that particular person have been somewhat futile (and they didn't appear to learn anything or appreciate it).

 

Life is a journey... not a destination

[LZ2000]

Wow! I so empathize with that. I've found it really helps to focus on the fact that I did my best to be fair, constructive and supportive. Spending time and energy on proper communication and relating to a partner isn't a waste - it's a valuable learning experience and prepares you all the more for the right person. It just feels terrible when you realize your efforts with that particular person have been somewhat futile (and they didn't appear to learn anything or appreciate it).

 

Life is a journey... not a destination

 

In a fair, open minded, level headed and respectful perspective,

 

I'd say that the time i've spent on her is wasted, i don't see her anymore.

 

But true, i have gained a valuable learning experience from it. Also I have grown my insights to a much more wiser one. I could say that I have "traded" my time spent on a bad relationship that is only a wasteful decline, for personal wisdom.

 

I know, the previous sentence may seem to have a business, economic tone to it which may not sit well with some readers........ so please excuse and forgive me if i had offended anyone. I can't think of a better example than that.

 

I just wonder how many people could basically accept or understand this explanation of mine and move on in their love lives, they may or may not be able to.......... I just wonder.

 

Anyway , thanks much Soulm8, for providing me with some food for thought!

Edited December 10, 2011 by LZ2000

[soulm8]

"It's sad when someone you know, becomes someone you knew."

-- Henry Rollins

 

I think some are more capable than others to consciously make the trade. I choose to do so out of necessity and my desire to heal my heart.

[LZ2000]

"It's sad when someone you know, becomes someone you knew."

-- Henry Rollins

 

I think some are more capable than others to consciously make the trade. I choose to do so out of necessity and my desire to heal my heart.

 

Yes, i agree, there is a certain degree of solace when one chooses to do so. It is liberating.

[soulm8]

Yes, i agree, there is a certain degree of solace when one chooses to do so. It is liberating.

 

I sure hope so! Otherwise, I've wasted too much energy and time

[snug.bunny]

No. The problem that arises is that there is no “think things through then come out fighting” with him. It is more a case of “shut her out then never talk about it again”.

 

I believe that means, the relationship is over.